Poems

The scenic sky sets a mood of gray

Within the structure, a child grabs a toy

The toy is worn, loved.

The teen types a heartfelt word

Phones buzz.

Cries. Laughter. Interest sends me down a rabbit hole

A bus whirrs in the backnoise.

A sound of rumbling and warbling volume.

I log off.

A can

A song

A friend.

Crush

Crush

Crush

I can’t empty my brain

I can’t pour it out

Pour it out

POUR IT OUT!

I can’t pull the drain

Or everything might come

Pouring out

Pouring out

POUR IT OUT!

I can’t empty my brain

But if I did

It might look like this:

All of it

Swirling in its indecency

Trying its best to comfort me

Is it here I find my solace?

Is it here I manage to

Pour it out

Pour it out

POUR IT OUT!

I can’t just pour it out, I’m not an artist

I’m a legacy of fakeouts

We say that we are creatives,

But all of us are frauds.

All of us are frauds.

So you can’t just tell me to

Pour it out

Pour it out

POUR IT OUT!

It’s a leaky faucet

That’s lost its valve

         D

       Ri

     P

     .

         D

       Ri

     P

     .

         D

       Ro

     P

     .

Isn’t it funny 

When our mentors 

Become our roadblocks?

As if in order to grow

We must bypass them?

Make our art more artistic

Make our struggles more real

P u t   o u r s e l v e s   t h r o u g h   h e l l .

Only to make it so we

May have our moments

         D

       Ri

     P

     .

         D

       Ri

     P

     .

         D

       Ro

     P

     .

So you told me to

Pour it out

Pour it out

POUR IT OUT!

So I did

And now 

I see no reason to continue 

Such a charade

I must confess

All of us are frauds

Is quite the line

But the theatricality of it

Changes none of its truth.

We hide behind our talents

And allow that to define us

So that we don’t have to put in the work

To do something

B E T T E R .

Thank you to all who have helped

But I can stand on my own two feet now.

Dear You,

Do you remember what it was like to walk down the sidewalk?

The suburban sun shining down onto you as lights on a stage would

You told me you wanted to kiss me, and you knew you weren’t ready

But you did it anyway.

Dear you,

I will never return your clothes.

I hate how good I look in them,

But I love the look on your face

When you see me looking better in them than you.

Coca-Cola checkers never looked so right.

Dear you,

The car rides to your house had never meant so much

Than when I knew you were gone

You gave me your hand, your heart,

I gave you mine, because it fit in your pocket

I can no longer listen to the music we played

It reminds me of the smile on your face.

Dear you,

When I said I tend to rush things,

Why’d you say you didn’t care?

Why’d you speed us up?

Because that rush

That was what hurt the most.

The fact that we almost did something

That I will never be ready for.

Dear you,

You said you didn’t want to hurt me

You said that the people from my past would never love me as you did

Do you think that disappearing gave me light?

Or maybe you did it because you knew you needed space

But couldn’t even tell me you were tired.

Dear you,

Whose fault was it really?

Everything that happened to both of us,

Did I do something too?

Or.. was it more than black and white?

Why can’t I blame you for everything?

Do I want it?

Do I need it?

Buzz

Shockwave

In my system

Shaking me awake

Am I running on

Fumes

Or is it

Artificial energy?

Better than the 

C o n c e n t r a t e .

But dilute isn’t perfect

Bittersweet

Picking poisons

Mix my decisions

Indigestion looks good on some people

But I don’t feel like

Stomach cramps

Today.

So I’ll overload 

With sugar!

Makememovefaster

Goingoingfasterfaster

S   T  O  P . . .

Crash and burn

Artificial energy

Lost my moment.

I know a flag.

It tastes of death.

It smells of singed hair

And reeks of burning flesh.

I know a flag.

It sends its men out

To fight

To die

To break.

I know a flag.

It doesn’t want to be this.

But we who wave it

Make it so.

We who wave it

Kill ourselves.

I know a flag.

It is a puppet.

It is made to be this.

It is our puppet

I know a flag.

Let it go. 

It shouldn’t mean hate.

It shouldn’t mean death

It shouldn’t mean loss.

I know a flag.

Red, white, and blue.

Means the end for many.

But why?

I know a flag

A flag we’ve dyed black.

A flag we’ve painted blue.

A flag we refuse to help.

I know another flag.

They hate each other.

Why?

Singing

Swinging

Back and forth and

Music

Swaying

SOUR NOTE.

Stopping

Thinking

Catching up and

Going

Dancing

SOUR NOTE.

Where? And

How? And

Can it go? And

Begging,

Wishing,

SOUR NOTE.

It's a little bit empty.

And a little bit free.

And a lot of pain.

But it won't last forever.

It's a little bit scary

And a little bit lost

And a lot of screaming inside

But it won't last forever.

It's a little bit hard

But it gets easier 

It's a lot of questions.

But it gets better.

It's a little bit of spiraling 

And a little bit of anger 

And a lot of self-reflection.

But it's time to let go.

You can mold and shape

All you want.

Form a shapeless pile into something…

Beautiful

But no matter what,

It can still melt

It’s still

Wax.

Dripping down

Wax. 

Running in streams

Wax

Hardening again.

Wax.

Still beautiful, but something new.

Wax.

Untameable. 

I'm more exhausted than I'll admit

Cuz everything's changing. 

And maybe I could use this as a chance to adapt 

But I'm 

            Too 

                    Fucking 

                                    Tired.

Now one story is ending 

 (I've never been good at endings) 

But something's gotta go so I guess that

I'll have to start 

-----

Here.

-----

So goodbye to Hollow.

Goodbye to bay leaves.

Goodbye to cycles, performers,

To graves that are halfway filled.

I am so sick of changing. 

But change never ends.

So I'll pick up my bags,

And I'll shuffle ahead,

May the cycle complete 

            Lest 

                     I 

                      Walk

                 Til 

            I'm 

Dead. 

Too many words in one line

The rhymes don't align

And repetition

          repetition

             repetition

                 repetition

Sinks in,

I am far too critical of myself 

To be in the place that I'm in.

So I push on,

But it's always 

B i t t e r s w e e t ,

And I have no

S        R        C      U      E

      T       U       T       R     .

So I can't be complete. 

So goodbye to Hollowhead.

Goodbye to Bayleef.

Goodbye to red, green, blue, yellow,

Performer, and various hats…

Goodbye to storytime 

That nobody hears at all

And goodbye to effort that I put in 

For nobody even to care…

I woke up too fast

To notice my past

To clarify that 

I   w a s   m o v i n g   a g a i n .

And I'll break the scheme more

Cuz I don't want a chore out of something I love.

I will bring back my passion,

Kicking and screaming,

It's not worth the struggle

If I end up leaving.

It's harder to climb 

Than I thought 

I thought. 

I thought I knew everything 

I thought I was lucky

I thought that this poem would be shorter 

But it just keeps 

Rattling on…

I 

Am 

Done.

I'll keep on fighting…

But I comprehend chlorine 

And I'll poison myself 

Til it's gone…

Do you breathe?

And if you do, 

is it easier now?

Does your chest heave less,

is the excess weight off your supports?

Do you want to know the truth?

I'm scared of you.

You were there for my worst,

when I was a fraction of who I am now,

and even now,

I am still so far from who I want to be.

And it scares me

that you may only know me as who I was

and not as who I am becoming.

Cataclysmic moves

Don't suit

Don't soothe

Make it perfect too

Don't move

Don't shoot

You're fine where you are

But we can't find where you are

How'd you fall apart?

Quickly, before it’s over

Catch the final seconds

Hold them in your hands

Don’t you want it?

Don’t you want to remember

Who you were?

Glass bottles and

Glowing stickers and

Bad decisions and

more privilege than you thought you had?

Quickly, before it goes away forever

Remember the mistakes you made

The friends you loved

The way it felt

It hurt,

But you were alive.

Don’t you want it?

Quickly, before it’s over

Immortalize your naivety

So you can say you’ve grown.

I wasn't looking

and there you were anyways.

But we always claim not to be looking.

Maybe the truth is that

we never stop.