I suppose I could start this in some witty way, a pun or clever hook, but honestly, that isn't what this is. This is something of an organizational tactic for me, a way to keep track of my thoughts while getting something out of it. If I'm being fully honest, I'm unsure what my goals are with this project. I just decided to make it. I've been doing that a lot lately. Just... making things. I don't think there is some magical meaning to be had here. It's a website, cobbled together from a free service and a handful of communications classes I took in middle school. But I digress. As I'm sure you'll come to see, these blog posts will have a certain... stream of consciousness to them. Rather than dedicated topics, I plan to take you wherever my brain decides to lead me. while you're here, feel free to enjoy poetry, or as I called it in high school, ʎɹʇǝod, keep track of updates on my music, and don't look at the ominous : that looms over the page. Just trust me. DON'T. This site is just an infant as of right now, but I hope to grow it into something beautiful. There will be weekly updates to the website overall, and at least one blog post a month. For now, this is your friendly neighborhood indie musician, signing off for the night.
I was dumped about 4 months ago. It broke me, if I'm being honest. I realized things about myself that hurt to acknowledge, I realized things about my ex that I outright refused to acknowledge up to that point, and all in all... I just kinda emptied out. I had nothing really left in my soul. And then... I started making. Making anything. Making stupid, useless projects, that didn't end up going anywhere at all. And I didn't care. Because the product wasn't what I needed. The product was... fine, I guess? But it wasn't the part of creating things that healed me. It was the points in between conception and creation. The feeling of finally letting out so much pent up frustration and emotion, emotions that evolved and altered as I healed... that was what got me through the worst of it. I was free. Not to say I'd been kept in an iron fist or anything, I wouldn't say that at all. But there are things you give up in a relationship, and I had a tendency to not recognize when I'd given up just a bit too much. Like my free time. I had given her every remaining second of my life. And I don't necessarily regret that. But I have to admit, now that it's over, I feel this ability to breathe in a way I didn't know I could before. I have this feeling that I am really, genuinely okay. Did she leave me with scars? Hell yes. But I left her with just as many, so it'd be wrong to complain. When leaving a relationship such as that, a two way folly of naivety, all you can do is accept responsibility for the bullshit you pulled, and try to find peace and freedom in no longer having to answer to another person before doing something. That's what it really is. It's freedom. I am free in a way I don't think I've ever really been before, and it's fucking terrifying, but exhilarating in every step, in every breath. I am making things. Songs, poems, fucking websites. I just feel less constrained by my surroundings; and rather, I feel empowered and emboldened by them. It gets better. It's just not gonna look like "everything is fine now." It's gonna look like "oh, I'm a different person entirely from back then, and that was only a few months ago, how the hell did I change so fast?" It's gonna look like freedom. Freedom to change, to create, to exist louder. Just... freedom.
Hey. It's been a minute, hasn't it? Truth be told, I've been busy becoming a different person. It's strange how much you can change without changing at all. To recap, in the last eight months, I have:
Been dumped
Been rightfully called out for some incredibly gross shit I did in high school
Finally confronted that terrible shit instead of just saying it happened forever ago
Cut off my best friends because turns out they're both transphobic as fuck and it just never came up
Rebuilt my friend group from the ground up
Gotten addicted to weed
Started smoking herbal cigarettes because turns out weed makes me wanna smoke
Been fired from my job because a disability that I didn't know yet that I had
Discovered I had a disability that effectively blacklists me from ever working a labor job again
Started walking with a cane
Successfuly quit weed
Successfully landed several gigs over the summer
Finally moved on from the breakup
Started dating again for the first time in three years
So my year has been packed. I get the feeling that my karma is being reset, like I'm going through the growing pains right now so that something genuinely good for me can develop. the world is in the process of stripping away everything that isn't essential to who I am, and showing me what my insides really look like. I guess that's been the theme of the last few months. I've been forced to look at who I am without all of these other things in my life, and decide if what I see is the person I want to be. And if I'm being honest, when all of this started, I hated what I saw. It immobilized me to think about the fact that I've been like this for so long. But i'm finally picking up the pieces and not just putting myself back together, but making something better. I finally like who I'm becoming. It's been a long, long time since I truly felt that way.
Things end. Movies, shows, careers, relationships... Things end. I'm currently sitting at the end of the projects that made me. Hell, my poetry doc from Sophomore year of high school just ended after 5 years. 2025 was a year of endings. Because that version of me needed to end so the next one could begin. I've had one hell of a character arc. But I'm getting sick of writing about redemption. I have redeemed myself in my own eyes. I have made up for the awful person I used to be, at least internally, enough to stomach the sight of myself and to make the further progress I need. I have deconstructed myself and I'm... exhausted from it. Honestly... I only just realized that I'm entering the next generation of projects. Everything I've released up until now has been a first venture into something. HALF/way was my first venture into releasing music, nightsongs was the first time I used guitar, Intrusions parts 1 and 2 laid the groundwork for every release after, and Intrusions 2 was my first experience with a professional DAW, minisodes was my first time using Logic Pro, my preferred DAW now, Before I was Perfect featured the first tracks I wrote after moving out, and Hollowhead... Hollowhead has been my pet project for six years. It was the first musical project I ever took on. Now I have new firsts, but I also just... want a break. I love discovering new things about myself, but when is the last time I just... let things end instead of replacing it with something new? Let's exist in the time between the end and beginning, that liminal space in time. In 2026, I'm not going to do much. I'll mostly just be building for next year, for the projects that haven't been made yet. Keep an eye out, hints should start leaking through real soon.