Making Meaning

For the last four years, I have been learning something new.  This sort of learning, involved me going out of my complete comfort zone.  It felt unsurmountable, to be littered with difficult obstacles, and was persistently challenging.  If anyone knows me they know, math isn't my thing.  When I discuss finances, I glaze over, and feel a knot in my stomach form due to the complete unease I hold in this life skill area.  But I volunteered my time and took on the role of Treasurer for a provincial professional association, the Nova Scotia Therapeutic Recreation Assocation (NSTRA)

I decided from the onset in 2021, to take an inclusive approach to the role.  I explored and identified barriers, I held hope and faith in my ability to be resilient, and approached my growth with pratical strategies.  There were times I struggled, really struggled, with restrictions around resources, training, stigma, negativity, low self-esteem and low motivation.  These struggles resulted in feelings of frustration and grief due to failing, or not reaching outcomes.  I am grateful for resilience and it's ability to build qualities like empathy, creativity, problem solving, communication and patience through experiences.  It was a journey of perseverence and involved nurturing support that contributed to my strength and allowed me to change.

Change is uneasy and I read recently, that 50% of initiatives of change are unsuccessful.  That is often a result of not having a well structured, organized, and open approach to managing change be it personal or professional.  There are helpful steps to achieve both adaptive and transformational change.  I undertook a process that involved enhanced communication, increased engagement and satisfaction. This process aligned resources, decreased frustration/ fear, and allowed innovation/creativity to take shape. This process of adaptation had to be agile, decrease risk of harm and improve productivity in an effective and supportive manner.

I think we can learn best to manage change when we experiece an inclusive circle of care.  So, I want to reconize that the impact of my learning, growth, and change was a result of the holistic support system of the other volunteers, service providers,  and colleagues.  To have served for an Association that embraces diversity in community, holds intential cooperative spaces, and strives to deliver a comprehensive service strategy contributed immensly to my learning and experience of change as I evolved in the role.  There was a unified culture of shared learning, responsibility, and belonging in the mindset of those alongside me, and this experience provided a network of relationships across the lifespan and educational backgrounds.   

I am not sure I can say I had a 100% change occur, but I likely had experienced an 80% success rate in my learning. I experienced a state of "enoughness," because I balanced my efforts over time, creatively, and actively that nurtured empowerment in my human spirit to make progess in my full potential.

Have you ever had an experience where you approach a stranger for one reason, and walk away feeling grateful for the conversation.  That's happened to me recently.  These bumps and blips of human interconnectedness are surprisingly impactful and can be life giving when most unexpected.

Speaking to a stranger and walking away feeling blessed is a powerful experience rooted in the benefits of human connection and kindness, which can improve mood, increase a sense of community, and offer new perspectives. Social and psychological studies on well-being suggest that interactions with strangers can create a feeling of unexpected joy and relief, providing a connection that makes one feel more optimistic and less fearful.

Why this feeling occurs perhaps is emotional relief. This moment of sharing with a stranger releases built-up tension, leaving you feeling lighter, and more at peace. Or this interaction increases happiness. Brief connections with others, even a chat in a parking lot, can make you feel happier and more content. Maybe it's the acquisition of an expanded worldview, exposing you to new perspectives, cultures, and ideas, making you feel more informed.  Then there is this sense of community. These exchanges foster a feeling of togetherness and trust, and reduces feelings of isolation. My spiritual being views it as an unexpected gift. A kind word, a shared laugh, or a moment of empathy from a stranger can feel like a trade, an action of both giving and receiving, warming your heart, and leaving you with a sense of blessing. 

I worry that this is becoming a lost life skill.  I need to be mindful to nurture it in today's world where the focus is on the "me", and the "we" is lost in our human experience.

Simple steps to build these simple exchanges are:

• make an effort to engage with others in a brief conversation

• open yourself to connection by offering a compliment or a comment on a shared situation

• practice kindness by carrying out random acts with no expectation of reward.

What interjects itself in these serendipitous relationships if you invite it is "grace."  Grace is what causes us to change, adapt, and identify with others. Grace is spiritual belonging.

As we approach National Day for Truth and Reconciliation on September 30th, take a moment to learn from what makes us different and what makes us a common essence. Humanity shares a common dream to live a good life; to be well; to gain wisdom; to be in good relations; to experience peace; to actively care for the other's welfare; and to be responsible to balance in Creation.  These are dreams we share with our Indigenous, First Nations and Inuit kin and what shapes their awareness of the "stranger."

I leave you with this thought from Adrienne Clarkson on belonging, and the philosphy of the Bantu tribe upheld in many African societies called ubunto, which means, "I am what I am because of what others have been in the past, and what I am now in the present will be a part of me in the future."

That means that the. stranger in the parking lot is connected to me, in the past, present, and future.  What an unexpected gift indeed.

I enjoy the Netflix series, "Sweet Magnolias."  It follows the lives of three main female characters - Maddie, Helen, & Dana Sue.  In the show, the three friends share a weekly tradition, where they come together for a period of time to openly share and unload their burdens to each other. They humbly hold a safe space for one another in community, over yes, a pitcher of margaritas. 

They literally and figuratively "pour it out," the contents of the pitcher and the contents of their emotional baggage. During the show, it is evident how the weight of past hurts and unresolved conflicts hinder their personal growth and create challenges in various areas of their life. 

The unresolved feelings, past traumas, and negative experiences that we carry in our present lives carries a potential of impacting our relationships, well-being, and ability to live in the moment. It's a persistent and deep-seated nature of negative feelings and patterns that hold our hearts captive to bitterness and our thoughts in a bad mood. If it has such a negative influence on life, than it also has an impact on death and dying.

It is important to consider the great gifts in the world: life and sacrifice. Death is closely related to both, but death is not entirely synonymous with either. Life is interpreted as a journey filled with experiences, a process of learning and growth, or a series of lessons that must be lived to be understood, and ofcourse biological concepts. Sacrifice is an act of giving something up, potentially for a greater purpose within life experiences - time, resources, or life. Death is the cessation of biological life, the inevitable fate of all of life, to no longer physically exist. Life does lead to death, and sacrfice does not necessarily lead to death.

So if life and sacrifice are a part of the goodness we experience, and they have relationship with death why do we avoid "pouring it out"?  I say pour it out with humility and gratitude.  Be open to giving and receiving. Choose to fully live, blessed with joyful abundance and restorative truth. Seek wisdom that produces good feelings, positive action, and inspires guidance.  Build community with your self, family, friends, local spaces, and the global environment.  Grow and flourish in your physcial, social, emotional, cognitive and spiritual progress.  Hold hope, have faith.

When you "pour it out"... you will receive grace, kindness, blessings, wisdom, spirit, comfort, peace, love, joy; and that will make dying and experiencing a good death a gift too. I'd be happy to pour it out with you, with or without the margarita. 

Richard Cecil, an 18th century clergyman, once said, "The shortest way to do many things is to only do one thing at a time." 

How do you spend your days? Trying to keep up the charade of being an effective multi-tasker? I've been struggling with juggling five things at once or more.  For me... it's not working out so well. 

Do one thing at a time... such a simple truth, simple action, the pursuit of authentic focus. Science even supports this awareness, our brains just aren't set up to focus multiple tasks at one time.  It slows us down, we make mistakes, our best self is lost. 

I once read a wisdom story that suggests we far too often get distracted by the four-legged stool, like the lion interacting with a lion tamer.  In the circus ring, the most important tool of a lion tamer is the stool, it keeps them safe, because it distracts the lion's attention.  A lion lies quietly still, frozenly confused by the distraction; gazing about all the things dangling in front of them.  Unsure what to tackle, debating what is important.

This is the only life we have, and every day is a chance to live it fully and intentionally, rather than just going through the motions or treating it as a practice run for something better in the future. What is important is making the most of the present moment and actively shaping your life rather than passively experiencing it. 

Stop trying to do so much, tame yourself to focus on one thing at a time to stop going through the motions and existing without a direction.

Life isn't a dress rehearsal, it's a circus ring.

Where is the fun in death? Odd question, but is it possible to restore playfulness, humour and perspective during this life experience?  Does death, dying and grief all need to be so serious?

Yes, in my humble experience, it is possible to find the fun in death.

Consider how children and youth process situations, new knowledge, and unknown territory in ways that offer comfort to the confused brain.  The best way for them is hrough developmental play.  Play is work for those in younger stages of the life cycle. So processing the concepts of death, dying and grief through play is a natural strategy in learning and understanding about the world around them.  Shielding and avoiding death conversations, or "death play" can cause harm and impact negatively growth and development.  Adults who are able to observe rather than control the play, create teachable moments through play, ask to join in and use the play objects to explain/ask questions can be a difference maker.  By just letting them explore and providing a supportive space encourages a healthy view on death, dying, and grief that is vital to the life long process and human journey of the spirit.

"Death play" in adulthood looks a little different - adults play games too. How? When dying they make attempts to preserve illusions through acts of defensive denial.  So, not to understand and learn about death, dying and grief but to protect and reject the reality of life, including the invetible, death.  Just like life, we face death as individuals.  Some adults accentuate the possible, this is the most common game, they choose the chance to beat the odds.  Some due to fear of death transfer a distorted view and grow envious of loved ones creating distance and despair at a time when a dying person needs to feel belonging the most. Others will stop the world, and escape to a happier time, reliving the past, rather than living in the present or there are those that see death, dying, and grief as nonsense, they can't do this right now view, where they spiral into total rejection and a protective pretense. 

So then, how can we find the fun in death, dying, and grief?  

• Let go -  embrace, accept, and celebrate the inevitable.

• Adjust mindset - view the situation as different, special, and new.

• Act with gratitude - be thankful for time as it is precious and a gift.

• Find the beauty in the moment, beauty brings joy into the light.

End of life is meant to be a tranquil part of the game of life.  The ultimate goal to the game is finding peace, to leave with comfort and dignity, that is the ultimate game and the ultimate challenge.  It's unfortunated that play, is lost throughout the life span due to societal pressures and perceptions. Bringing playfulness, humour and positive perspective forward at this time can reduce stress, enhance creativity and problem solving,  improve social connections, and nurture overall well-being. 

Holding space through play, not playing games, engages truth, expression, and explanation that evoke concerns for well-being. It can impact positively emotional health, the experience of grief, overcoming fear, offering hope, providing TLC, and being present for all involved. Finding the fun in end of life care, is about managing, not controlling death.

How often do you feel a strong sense of gratitude or thankfulness?  That was a question I heard this month that has sat with me.  So, I thought, I’ll blog about it.

At first, I thought gratitude is a pretty simple thing to experience. Then after some deeper thought after attending a lecture on gratefulness featuring author Diane Butler Bass, I realized it is more complicated in practice.  

She pointed out that gratitude can feel obligatory or required, but it can also offer healing or fulfillment.   There is a disparity experienced in the act of thankfulness between feeling and attitude, both privately and publicly.

Butler Bass suggests there are two concerns with the concept of gratitude.  

Why is it hard to practice gratitude in a meaningful and sustaining way?

What might it mean to live together as a thankful community or society?

Gratitude can be felt intimately, but then in turn, we find it difficult to express or accept it.  Even with such dependence on others to have safety and happiness in community, mutuality and reciprocity damages communal thanksgiving. Togetherness and individual acts of sharing & caring can provide enough for all.  But for us to flourish as individuals and communities we must grow to appreciate the contributions of others and acknowledge these important ties the bond us in life.

Wouldn’t we live differently, feel more deeply for acts of generosity and the gifts we receive, if we would stop making room for fear, scarcity, entitlement, economic inequality, and political injustice.  I am deeply grateful for the awareness of how myself and the world around me allow dissatisfaction to hold us in captivity. I am deeply grateful that gratitude is radical, transformative, whole, connecting, robust, grounding and evokes the gift of change in profound, insightful, healing, and intense ways.  Gratitude can be good or bad, and deep.

How are you about death? The majority of us are not that open and honest when it comes to discussions about death and dying.

There is such a taboo surrounding death - this inevitable life experience is feared, yet an undeniable truth all life experiences.

Having experienced significant back to back losses of loved ones, I experienced what is known as complicated grief.  In working through my own bereavement experience I grew into the awareness that death education and understanding has such a significant space in encouraging that shift from fear and denial to acceptance and preparation.

As a new "end of life doula," the good death trade is one I am humbly trying to enter and serve. 

Death Cafes are an important part of the good death movement.  These events are safe spaces that open up an opportunity to have conversations and acknowledge the naturalness of death.  These are informal gatherings that encourage open dialogue and reduces stigma.

Recently I experienced a Death Cafe and what a gift this 90minute time frame was to me in my life journey.  People of all ages and stages joined together as a community of support to listen, ask questions, and share their experiences and understanding of death and dying.  It was a simple conversation, that offered reassurance that we are not alone.  

As an up and coming EOLD, offering a monthyl gathering in an equitable, diverse, inclusived and accessible manner will come with a view to help people make the most of their (finite) lives.

I'm excited to invite you to participate in an online opportunity via Zoom or I will begin hosing in person events at Bethany United Church beginning May 2025.  Come to one, or both, whatever suits your need.  There is no cost associated for this group experience, no sales gimmicks, no counselling, no agendas, but there will be resources shared, stories told and death discussed.

Holding spaces, creating conversation seems like a purposeful way to spend life.

It is the 9th year anniversary of my parent’s death.  I’m an adult orphan. Didn’t know that was a thing, until it happened. Their death was not the first death I experienced that had a profound impact on my life journey.  My earliest memory of a death was that of a toddler.  This death was an immense loss and the grief rippled through the extended family on my mother’s side.  Then there was the loss of my grandparents on my Dad’s side and the loss of my grandmother on my Mom’s side, uncles, cousins, aunts, some family friends, a loss of a baby through my own miscarriage, my husband’s grandparents, his Dad’s life partner, his father, and most recently an his uncle.

And to state the obvious, I have been touched by the grief of good friends experiencing the death of a spouse or family member, a childhood/adolescent friends, neighbours, members of my faith community, and patients I have cared for in various healthcare settings.  

I have also said goodbye to beloved pets and been moved to tears by the loss of life world wide through wars, violence, genocide, personal harm, and pandemics.

I also am sensitive to the death in nature as our climate changes and grows weary of the attack of innovation that seems to destroy life via preventable natural disasters.

But through these experiences of death… is life and powerful lessons about connection.

So, do you wonder, my wonderfully made reader, what are these lessons?  These are the profound wisdom individuals who are dying often share as they near the end of life…

There is no death.

Everything happens for a reason.

There is no judgement.

We are all connected to unconditional loving energy.

These are universal truths. They can unite us. Guide us through life.   I continue to equip myself with the knowledge and tools to transform end of life experiences into those filled with peace, dignity, and love. I encourage you to grow from your own life experience of death, let it lead you to healing and connection.

Do you feel the reality of love is hard for us to understand? That living well is enough?  You know trying to "get things right" is not the hope that leads the human spirit, it is love and grace that is the gift. 

It's a difficult pill for us to swallow that we are loved exactly as we are. We live into the unease and fear so easily, to the point that we attempt to control our worthiness rather than opening ourselves up to compassion and forgiveness.  How can we stop cheating ourselves and beating ourselves up when we fail?  

Compassion leaves plenty of room for change. It is a powerful force in the human spirit that will not stop improvement or growth, in fact it nurtures it.  Compassion involves being regretful, learning from mistakes, working towards goals, opening ourselves to transformation, responding with kindness, acknowledging the difficulty of action, exploring the honesty within frustration or pain, and responding with unconditional love.

Our moment to moment awareness can be excruiating.  Life is hard for everyone, and it is hardly worth avoiding this awareness.  That's when the act of  mindfulness, when we are aware of  our present thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment through a gentle, nurturing lens - the lens of self-compassion.  We are not doing anything wrong, we are not at fault for it being hard, this is a belief that has to be released.  

May the light of  love lead you to treat youself like a friend when you are hurting.  Let the light of grace offer gentleness for yourself when you are suffering.  May gratitude enter with whatever abundance and form you have - now; today; in this hard moment.

To start the year off, I have been finding motivation early in the morning as I read with intention the book, The 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for lLess Stress and More Resilience, written by Aditi Nerurkar, MD.

I have been enjoying this insightful time of reading in the quiet hours of my day.  It is based on scientific evidence that the brain and body connection is critical in decreasing unhealthy stress and positively influencing more resilience.  The messaging is not lost to me as a holistic practitioner in health and human services.  The concepts are critical in understanding to overcome this human tendency to burn out with 5 simple shifts of the mind and 15 techniques that establishes a road map 

• to changing our relationship to stress

to balance our biological responses

• to feel calmer in the moment

I'm almost to chapter 6 of this 8 chapter comfort-filled resource.  I'm taking the slow and steady approach with one step at a time, and journalling the key thoughts that resonate with me for further and deeper reflection to root a place in my mind and spirit. As stated in the reflections of others who have read this booking, the author takes the reader on a practical journey of acceptance that there are myths to resilience and stress. It is important to really look at creating boundaries that honours the brain and body connection that are time efficient, cost-effeective, and readily applicable. 

If you are feeling out of tune or off balance, this might be a good read for you, a place to start. Stress is a biological response, that is built into each of us. There is promise in the simple acceptance that healthy stress for us spiritual beings is necessary to tackle these human experiences and life demands.  

A technique that is repetitive solution is the "Resilience Rule of  2."  This is a sustainable practice because it involves only applying 2 changes at a time.

Often when we can establish a desirable leisure lifestyle or a peaceful end of life we have found within us clarity, quiet, balance, release and optimal self.  As I move deeper into the last bits of this reading material I have established a renewed value in stress.  Stress is not a weakness, it is a biological strength of the human life.  I challenge you to explore your relationship with stress and resilience, its good for the brain and body.

Let's make a connection to cultivate resilience and foster health and well-being. Remember life without stress is biologically impossible it is a shared human experience.

We will have a lifetime of experiences.  A lifetime that will be filled with wisdom and love.  Knowing how to live more moments in our lives as moments in which we hold memorable encounters is a gift of the human experience.  It is a bold outcome to seek during a lifetime.

Part of every good journey is preparation.  It requires us, a lot of us, to consider our baggage, needs, resources, and awareness.

Part of every good journey includes anticipation.  This requires us to hold a place in our spirit for hope, excitement, change, growth, connection and learning.

Part of every good journey requires us engage to overcome obstacles, make critical decisions, and self-discovery.

Part of a every good journey is impactful when shared. So, it requires us to be vulnerable, seek clarity, and be appreciative.

Part of every good journey requires balance between stillness, movement, and purpose.

A good journey is the destination. When a lifetime ends, all life doesn't end.

I offer three questions I discovered during part of my lifetime this year, that I will be carrying through the seasons that remain and will help shape meaning into my life.

1. This year, what is different about you?

2. This year, what has changed for you?

3. This year, what are you facing that is new or unfamiliar to you?

During your lifetime, may you find spaces of longing, waiting, simplicity, humility, and return.

With gratitude.

Dana

Ideas shared were adapted from the resource, "On The Way to Bethlehem," by Rob Fuquay.