This was their original plot. When I first created Axe as a character, I knew he was bisexual, and though his book was going to end with him dating Kay, I wanted him to have a past relationship with a male to soothe my little teenage brain and convince myself I was writing something with good representation. Enter Ryan. My main thoughts were that I wanted him to be a character who was a good friend and fun to be around, but I didn't want Axe to end up feeling too seriously about him. Here are some bullet points from a planning document regarding their early interactions:

• They meet in sixth period art class. Ryan and his sister, Natalie, are new, and Axe loves making new kids feel welcome. Ryan’s quiet at first, but after some prompting from Axe, he talks up a storm. Axe is glad he just has someone cool sitting next to him in class.

• They talk a lot, exchanging numbers within the first week of school with loose promises to hang out. Axe flirts a little, because Ryan’s cute, and Ryan flirts back, but Axe can tell it's nothing serious; just fun.

• Regardless, he finds himself hanging out with at least one of the Cirino siblings if Tyler and Paxton are busy. He and Ryan play an awful lot of video games, which sometimes turns into teasing sessions with Axe flirting a little more than he probably should. Axe tells him everything, since he's an open book. Ryan tells him what seems relevant.

• Ryan learns Axe is bi on the school news, which they watch at the beginning of fourth period every day.

  • “What's your advice to freshman?”

  • “Don't kiss football players at parties. Bad idea.” (Axe went to his first party in high school, got incredibly high off social interaction, kissed a football player named Miller, and had to deal with the fallout. The fallout was basically everyone razzing him and Miller being weird around him.)

• And a lot of people have a laugh at his expense, because it was a big deal for all of a week last year, but Ryan doesn't know the story. Axe is obsessed with himself and happily retells the story. Friendship ensues after they discuss and bond over being like "men? nice!" and once Ryan finds out Axe smokes cigarettes he's like "bro PLEASE smoke weed with me."

• Ryan’s a year older (failed a grade) and he's allowed to turn in photographs instead of hand-drawn art. Axe learns that he's a budding photographer. He learns that Ryan’s into some of the same music. And he learns that Ryan has a sister named Natalie, whom Ryan swears Axe would get along with.

• Axe wholeheartedly agrees to meet her, but he really does like talking to Ryan. He hopes Natalie is similar so he can make two new friends just as cool as each other, but instead Ryan hints that they should go out, and Axe ends up going to see a movie with Natalie.

• It doesn't feel romantic whatsoever. Natalie is lax, like Axe, into music, like Axe, and outspoken, like Axe. Maybe they should like each other romantically, but the truth is, it's just a really good night with a friend. Axe realizes that maybe he's less into Natalie and more into Ryan—who, as far as Axe knows, is straight. Wonderful.

They ended up flirting with a bit more intent behind it eventually, but Ryan wasn't really mentally or spiritually in a place to be out to his parents or peers, so it was a bit of a situation. Axe didn't really care if they were officially an item, he just wanted to get smooched. Ryan cared about making Axe "hide" anything because he knew Axe was an open book. They hemmed and hawed for a while, had a little disagreement, talked it out, then eventually decided they're cool starting something casual. Like, maybe they'd go on dates here and there, but it didn't have to be an all-out Facebook official relationship.

They kissed for the first time on Ryan's balcony, a blink-and-you-miss-it thing because Ryan felt like if he didn't get the first one over with, he'd go crazy overthinking how to approach it. Axe was having a smoke. Ryan came to tell him dinner was ready, planted one on him, then went to go set the table with Natalie. They didn't have much time to talk about it between dinner and Axe heading home. Their second kiss was six days later around three in the morning. (Yes, I paralleled it in Pancakes. Their "second" kiss was six months later, and also around three in the morning. Axe and Ryan change but some facts just stay constant because I am Weak.)

What came next was a lot of "playing video games" (read: kissing in Ryan's room), "going to get coffee" (read: kissing in the Cirino sibling car), and "hanging out at abandoned buildings" (read: Ryan taking some photos, smoking some weed, then getting touchy). Ryan was just starting to settle into their relationship when his dad called him one day about five minutes after Axe had come over to do homework and told him they were moving to Indiana. Ryan responded to this news by Not Talking About It, getting high more often, inviting Axe over more, and silently fuming at his dad. They stopped kissing, or dating, or whatever all of that was, a few weeks before the Cirinos moved.

Ryan and Axe kept in touch religiously for the first two months of summer as friends, then Ryan suddenly started going longer and longer between replies. He told Axe he was just busy getting to know a new city, but in reality, Ryan began to feel like he was too dependent on Axe's friendship and replies and decided he needed some distance. Axe gave him space, then the Cirino siblings ghosted him. (Natalie will ALWAYS ghost in solidarity!!)

There are some fics posted on my AO3 for this verse: high school boyfs series

Years after the events of "high school boyfs," Ryan followed Axe on Instagram on some random day for no apparent reason. It just so happened that Axe and Kay had recently broken up due to divergent college plans, though they'd decided to stay friends. Axe and Ryan spent a few months texting and video-calling near constantly, and Axe was happy to have a friend he'd missed dearly back in his life. In this universe, Axe was pursuing music as a career-slash-hobby alongside working at a family fun entertainment center, and Ryan was beginning to enjoy living alone for the first time (AKA hooking up with people).

Ryan reached out to Axe after so many years because he had recently moved out of his parents' house, felt lonely, got high, and realized how stupid it was to keep Axe and all of his friends blocked on social media. He figured he'd had years to distance himself from whatever feelings he'd had in high school, and Axe was one of the better friends he'd made in his life, so there was nothing to lose by reaching out. They caught up via texting for practically 24 hours straight to fill each other in on the major points of the last four years, then they started sharing their new favorite music, then they started sharing day-to-day inconveniences, and then they were best friends all over again.

Axe's mother gets remarried to someone from--who would have guessed it--Indiana. Ryan invited Axe to hang out while he was up in Indiana, since it had been forever since they'd seen each other, and Axe wanted to visit his new step-brother who was in a band with three other people and far more established as an artist than Axe. Unfortunately, they are gremlins, so the second Axe and Ryan knew they'd be meeting up in person their flirting became more intentional. They spent a few days hanging around as friends, but eventually ended up kissing then hooking up.

They continued to... continue... over text even after Axe went back to Florida. They met up in Indiana every so often, whenever Axe was visiting family or there for whatever reason. It was basically a long-distance friendship with horrifying amounts of hitting on each other, but they'd have sex whenever they were in-person. Unfortunately, Ryan is a weakling in every single universe, and the friends with benefits deal began to get to him. He ignored the warning signs of developing feelings and continued to fuck Axe whenever it was convenient. Axe liked Ryan as a friend, as a lover--really, in all the ways--but he didn't actively consider dating Ryan because Ryan often said he wasn't interested in dating or something serious. (Meanwhile, he is in Love. Fool!!!!!!!)

All along, Axe maintained a friendship with Kay. He and Ryan talked about her regularly, and it was understood that there were still some unresolved feelings despite them deciding to be friends. She was his first (and really, only) serious and committed relationship, so it wasn't easy for Axe to brush past that especially with them still being in one another's lives.

Once it got to the point of Ryan feeling bone-deep sad and frustrated with himself for having a crush on Axe again, he told Axe he felt like they should stop hooking up because it had been going on for too long. Ryan pointed out that Axe still seemed to really care about Kay, so he should probably pursue that instead of whatever they were doing. Axe was disappointed since he loved spending time with Ryan and liked having sex with Ryan, but he understood. He left Indiana on good terms that time with loose plans to come back in a few months for another long-weekend visit.

It became clear very quickly that Ryan had not been completely honest and was struggling with the idea of them going back to just friends. Axe wanted to discuss it. Ryan did not. He asked for some space to get his head on straight. The last time Ryan asked for space, they ended up not talking for years, so they compromised that they would text each other to say "hi" here and there to make sure they didn't completely lose touch. Ryan decided alcohol was a lovely coping mechanism and confessed to Axe that whatever those feelings were, they weren't going away. Axe convinced Ryan to give him a chance.

Soon after starting to casually date for the second time, Ryan found himself in love again while Axe was still trying to work on being emotionally available. It was difficult for Ryan to understand what was so special about Kay, since he'd never really met her and the stories he'd heard about their relationship seemed juvenile and bland. It was difficult for him to be on a different page than Axe, and they disagreed about it not infrequently and communicated about it even more often. After a while, Ryan felt that it was too emotionally taxing for him to keep hoping Axe would love him back, and he asked if they could take a huge step back and just be friends again. Axe still wasn't really over Kay, even though he did like Ryan, so they agreed that was the best way to proceed.

There are some fics posted on my AO3 for this verse: friends with benefits series

Following the events of "friends with benefits," Ryan tried to cope with the one person who knew him best being basically incapable of loving him back. He joined photography club, made up with Natalie, declared a minor in business, and got a different job. He and Axe decided that the best thing they could do for each other was step back to just being the kind of friends who liked each others' posts on Instagram. Ryan knew he could move on if he just had some time and space and turned off the horny section of his brain around Axe. It was the flirting that kept getting them in trouble; as friends, they were golden.

In an attempt to make friends, he went to a photography club meetup and got embarrassingly day drunk. A cute guy named Daneil who had started recently as a transfer student spoke to Ryan, which felt like a declaration of love, then he said his last name was Lissange-Ryan, and Ryan felt that it was very cool that they had a name in common. Like, maybe they should kiss on it. It was Daneil's first kiss with a man, and he enjoyed it, even if Ryan seemed a little out of sorts. They kept things on track after a bit of making out and talked about normal things like classes and camera settings. And after the meetup ended, they didn't say a word about it.

Daneil Lissange-Ryan was studying Marketing and was not too perturbed about being randomly kissed by some guy in photography club. Behind the scenes, Ryan was groaning every time he saw Daneil and mentally begging him not to bring it up. It was one of the more embarrassing moments of his life, and he dropped out of photography club almost immediately after. Daneil continued to treat him like normal, though, and eventually the red-hot shame went away in the face of such honest forgiveness. They struck up a friendship in which Daneil (brimming with hope!) saved the couch in the Student Life Center for Ryan to nap during his on-campus days and Ryan (thriving under the attention!) happily gave up his nap time to hang out with Daneil.

There were good days and bad days for both of them. Daneil lost his first love/fiancee very suddenly several years prior. She died in a car crash on her way to the airport to visit family. Daneil went to a lot of grief support group meetings, saw a therapist regularly, and developed several creative outlets, but the grief never really went away. Ryan was grieving in his own way over Axe, and they grew closer because of it. Daneil learned that flirting went a long way to distracting and cheering Ryan up, and Ryan learned that a good meal was basically all Daneil ever needed to mentally reset and feel human again.

Their story was meant to be one of getting the fuck over Axe, second loves being the best loves, and Ryan finally feeling right in his own skin. then pancakes fucking yanked me 😭 daneil has a gecko named apollo and he knows how to salsa dance. it's what ryan deserved. sometimes deep down i think pancakes is the mistake and it was meant to be them but don't quote me on that

Meanwhile, on the other end of things, Axe and Kay are together. Don't ask me for details because I never planned it because, respectfully, I never gave a shit.

sometimes you find yourself sitting there and you think, "what would X character be like as a father?" and 30k spills out of your heart

in this story, ryan and trinity had a child together but decided their relationship wouldn't work in the long-run. ryan is now part of a three-prong parental unit made up of him, trinity, and trinity's fiance, jason. axe is ryan's hot neighbor because of course he is lmfao

i want to state for the record that i'm not actually convinced ryan would be a good parent at all but it was interesting to imagine the what if

Pancakes reference: Apparently, Ryan thinks, he and Natalie are friends again despite their bickering over calling the waitress. “Reinette’s the plan. Either that or Hayden, or both, if I have a couple of kids.”

here's the first little bit of it that i wrote:

“shit,” ryan breathes, staring at his trunk full of groceries then at the child on his hip. “i didn’t plan this good.”

“‘shit’ is a bad word,” hayden informs ryan.

“don’t say that.” like always, ryan grabs the gallon of milk and passes it off to hayden. “carry that for me.”

as they make their first trip up the stairs, ryan resigns himself to carting hayden up and down the stairs. it’ll take him twice as long to get his groceries this way, but needs must.

ryan sets hayden down and lets him lug the gallon of milk into the kitchen. outside, rain starts coming down in sheets. “shit,” ryan curses under his breath again.

“not a good word!”

“sorry, lil dude.” ryan doesn’t even own an umbrella. fuck. he could leave some of the groceries in the car, but there’s still cold items in his trunk he needs to get in the refrigerator. “did you bring a jacket?”

“mama didn’t put one in my bag.”

blowing out a breath, ryan looks around his apartment. there isn’t much in here for hayden to hurt himself on, but ryan’s sure as fuck not willing to risk it after all the times he's seen hayden walk straight into coffee tables. “wait just a second.”

though he’s pretty sure this makes him just about the shittiest neighbor in the history of neighboring, he steps out of his apartment and knocks on the door next to his. apartment 418 doesn’t answer, so he walks a little ways down to 416 and tries them.

“one second!” someone calls from inside. it sounds like a man, but ryan wouldn’t know—he’s never met any of these people in the year he’s lived here. after maybe a minute, the door swings open.

“hi,” says 416. he’s about ryan’s height, though much thinner and paler, and he’s wearing low-slung sweats and a zip-up hoodie. ryan’s pretty sure he’s shirtless beneath it.

“hi,” ryan says back. “i know we’ve never met, but i’m in 419. i just got, like, a fuckton of groceries, but i have my kid, and it’s kind of hard to cart all that and him up and down, and it’s raining, so—”

“i’m axe,” he interrupts. “you want some help?”

“yeah. please.” ryan swallows. his throat has a tendency to get irritated when he’s forced to ask for help, but having a kid has nearly broken him of that phobia. parenthood’s fucking hard. “i’ll get the groceries. it’s, like, gross and raining, and i know four flights isn’t fun.”

the man doesn’t look bothered one way or another. he lifts a shoulder and moves to step out of his apartment, but ryan throws his hands up. “uh, you’re already doing me a favor. i can bring him to you.”

axe smiles and glances behind him. “i’ve got a naked guy in my bed, so i don’t know if that’s something you really want your kid to see.”

so ryan’s neighbor is into men. ryan suddenly sees him through different eyes, but it’s not the time nor place for that, and his frozen foods are slowly defrosting in his trunk. “yeah, maybe not. uh, this way.”

he introduces hayden and axe quickly. axe seems kind enough and doesn’t hesitate to shake hayden’s hand, despite being quite a bit taller, so ryan decides he’ll just have to cut his losses and hope axe is capable of ten minutes of childcare. “just, like, watch out for him,” ryan says on his way out the door. “he runs into things sometimes.”

“got it,” axe tells ryan with a dutiful nod. he turns to hayden and asks, “do you have a favorite song?”

ryan wants to interject and say that hayden has lots of favorite songs—neither trinity nor ryan know where he got his musical affinity because neither of them play instruments—but his son killed it on his play xylophone as a toddler.

hayden’s only four now, but ryan feels like he was holding his kid for the first time just yesterday. it blows his mind when he looks down to see hayden walking on his own, or reaching one of his chubby hands into ryan’s pocket to steal his phone to watch youtube. ryan’s mom told him that kids grow up fast; he just didn’t know it’d be this fast.

it takes him two more heavy-handed trips to get the rest of the groceries, and he’s waterlogged and reasonably grumpy by the time he kicks his door open and pushes his groceries inside.

"dad!” hayden shouts immediately, jumping up from the floor and gesturing to axe with both hands. “axe sings!”

“that’s cool, little man,” ryan says indulgently.

“and instruments. he says he can teach me piano someday!”

“that’s very nice of him.” ryan cuts his eyes to axe, but axe is just smiling at hayden, just as taken with ryan’s kid as everyone else seems to be. “did you say thank you?”

“no. i said, ‘awesome.’”

ryan sighs. “close enough.”

“manners are cool,” axe says to hayden. “i don’t even think they let you have pianos unless you say ‘thank-you.’”

hayden turns to ryan. “is that true?”

ryan has to hide a smile, but he shrugs. “i’ve never bought a piano. talk to mister axe about it.”

“just axe is fine,” the man assures him. “do you need help putting those away?”

scowling down at a jar of applesauce, ryan tries not to let the kind offer rub him the wrong way. “i’ve got it. thank you. and, uh, we’re good now, if you want to get back to. . .”

foolishly, ryan makes the mistake of meeting axe’s eyes, hoping to convey the sentiment of ‘that naked man in your bed’ without actually saying ‘that naked man in your bed.’ axe raises an eyebrow at the look on ryan’s face, though, and for a second he even looks a little worried, so ryan has to say, “uh, i’m cool with all that. like, we’re not homophobic.”

“what’s homophobic?” hayden asks.

after debating the best way to phrase it for a four-year-old, ryan says, “it’s when you don’t like gay people because they’re gay.”

“that’s mean,” hayden comments. to axe, he says, “dad’s gay. but the kind of gay where he likes girls, too. which is why i’m alive.”

ryan sets the jar down with a clink. “hayden.”

hayden looks at ryan, all wide brown-eyes and curly lashes. “mama said so! you said so!”

“but you aren’t supposed to—to tell strangers that.” it’s hard to get through the sentence when axe starts giggling. “remember when you told mr. imler?”

“and i had to get a new teacher because he was mean,” hayden replies sadly. “i remember.”

reassured that hayden recognizes what’s wrong with his words, ryan casts an apologetic look axe’s way. “sorry. he catches onto things pretty quick.”

“it’s tough to keep things from kids. it’s cool that you know that, though,” axe tells hayden. “you must be pretty smart.”

hayden puffs his chest up, and for a second—and only a second—ryan sees the resemblance to mitch. “i start school next year.”

“that’s awesome.”

since axe seems content to hang around for a few minutes longer, ryan rushes through putting the groceries away—it’s best to do these things while hayden’s entertained, otherwise he has a kid winding around his feet asking a million and one questions about everything ryan’s purchased—then he remembers he never called trinity to say they got to his apartment safe.

he grabs his phone, brings up trinity’s contact, and presses ‘dial.’ “hello?” she says after she answers on the first ring. “everything okay?”

“it’s fine. we went to the grocery store, but then it started pouring down rain.” quieter, he adds, “i think hayden made friends with my neighbor. i had to ask someone to watch him for a second, and he’s this big music guy, i guess. he’s telling hayden about piano.”

trinity hums her interest. “we do need to get him into some kind of lessons. he loves music time at pre-k.”

“yeah, i know. i can talk to axe about it if you want? he might be serious about the lessons.” ryan gathers all of the plastic bags into one bag and stuffs them in the pantry. “i’ll hand you over to hayden.”

trinity murmurs some reply, probably splitting her attention between talking to ryan and working out a schedule for her soccer league. ryan goes into his poor excuse for a living room, seeing that axe and hayden have now moved on to discussing hayden’s favorite youtube channels.

“hey, it’s mama,” ryan says, passing the phone off to hayden. he turns to axe. “can i get you anything? i was about to make coffee.”

“that sounds awesome,” axe says, and he sounds like he means it. “i should probably get back before he wakes up alone, though.”

“oh.” ryan doesn’t know why he feels so flustered all of a sudden, but he shoves it back and forces himself to nod. “uh, sorry about earlier with hayden. we’re still kind of teaching him there’s a time and a place for certain words.”

axe waves a hand as ryan walks him to the door. “i don’t mind at all. it’s cool to know one of my neighbors is gay, too—or whatever you label it as. and i gotta say, i think it’s nice that you’re open about it with your kid.”

“thanks.” for ryan and trinity and jason, being open with hayden was never a question. “we figured it’d be good for him to know it’s normal from a young age. no need to let him simmer in silence if he ends up being like me, too.” ryan glances over his shoulder to see that hayden is safely sat at the coffee table, fidgeting with one of his racecars as he tells trinity about his day. “thanks for watching him. i owe you one.”

“you’re welcome, and you don’t have to owe me anything. he’s an awesome kid.” ryan smiles a little bit in pride, and axe smiles back and tilts his head to the side. “i never caught your name.”

“oh, jesus,” ryan says, lifting a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “i’m an ass. sorry, i’m ryan.”

“ryan,” axe repeats. “always wondered who lived in this apartment. i’d hear the door slam all the time, but i never saw you on the stairs or anything.”

“i work weird hours. and i’m kind of a homebody, so i’m not out much. i mean, i go out,” ryan says quickly, not wanting to sound like a complete loser, “but, uh, then i come back. and kind of get in your same situation.” ryan gestures towards axe’s apartment then freezes. “assuming that’s a hookup and not a boyfriend.”

subtle, ryan thinks. he hates himself for ever knocking on apartment 416. axe smiles again and unzips his jacket a little just to rezip it again. ryan wonders if he means to draw ryan’s attention to his chest. “it’s a hookup,” axe tells him easily. “i’m single, not that you asked.”

ryan twists his doorknob idly and listens carefully for hayden’s footsteps, but all he hears is him chattering away to his mom. “nice to know, i guess,” ryan says mildly.

axe laughs a little and turns on his heel to head back to his apartment. “have a nice day, ryan.”

he shuts his door behind him, so ryan shuts his door, too, and goes back to hayden, gathering him up onto his hip. he’s just about reached the weight where ryan can’t do this anymore. it makes his chest ache a little.

hayden pushes the phone up against ryan’s ear. “say bye to mama.”

“bye, mama,” ryan says dutifully. “talk later, trinity. love you.”

“love you, too,” trinity says to both of them. she hangs up a second later.

ryan twirls himself and hayden in a little circle just to hear his son laugh. “what are we feeling for lunch, little dude?”

;;

the next morning, hayden’s pounding his fists against ryan’s chest and demanding they do something fun. ryan checks the time—seven am—reassures hayden that nothing fun is happening this early, and pulls up a video for hayden to watch while he dozes for a few minutes more.

“dad,” hayden says a few minutes or an hour later, shoving at ryan’s side, “my stomach’s hungry.”

just to mess with him, ryan fakes a snore and rolls over right on top of hayden. “dad,” hayden groans. “you weigh, like, two million thousand pounds.”

words like that earn hayden a hell of a lot of tickling to retaliate, but he gets out of bed and pours hayden a bowl of his favorite cereal. he’s only just sitting down with a bowl of his own when there’s a knock on the door.

hayden perks up immediately. ryan eyes his son. “what'd you do, kiddo?”

“nothing,” hayden sing-songs. “can i get the door, dad?”

he runs across the room before ryan answers, but ryan still peeks through the peephole before he lifts hayden up to undo the locks and twist the doorknob. “axe,” hayden greets calmly. “did you bring the stuff?”

“christ,” ryan says under his breath. his kid sounds like a druggie.

axe says hi to ryan then crouches down and pulls two cd cases out of his jacket. “this one’s classical, and here’s jazz. can you read yet?”

“sometimes.”

“i put a blue sticker on jazz for you.” he glances up at ryan, who's looking between the two of them with both confusion and amusement. “did he not tell you? hayden, that's not polite.”

hayden clears his throat until ryan looks at him. “dad,” he says, clearly mustering all the maturity he can, “axe said he’d be happy to lend me some cds so i can listen to piano and see if i want to learn for serious. is that okay?”

ryan’s resolve melted around the time hayden said ‘dad,’ but he makes sure to hum over it for a second and ask axe, “you're fine with it? he's a kid; i’ll try and make sure he takes care of the cds, but. . .”

“it's alright. i have digital copies of everything.”

ryan nods and looks back to hayden, who's widening his eyes to look as innocent as possible. “then it's okay. but next time, if you're going to borrow something from anyone, let me know first.”

hayden nods furiously and holds his hands out for the cds. axe passes them over then stands to his full height. while hayden rushes back inside the apartment, calling out a “thank you!” over his shoulder right as ryan opens his mouth to reprimand him for forgetting, axe apologizes for coming over unannounced.

“i just didn’t want to tell him no and break his spirit,” he admits to ryan. “i know that’s not my call, but he seems really interested in music.”

“yeah, about that. me and his mom were thinking of getting him into lessons for something, but neither of us know anything about music. like, i’ve never picked up an instrument in my life, and she’s the same.”

axe tilts his head. “how old is he? four?” at ryan’s nod, axe continues, “he’s pretty young to learn any serious instrument. what i’d do is just buy him more music toys, anything that lets him create and kind of do his own thing. he seems pretty interested in piano, so maybe a keyboard?”

though he’s not even sure how to choose a good children’s keyboard, it’s a starting point. “awesome. we’ll look into it. thank you.”

“you’re welcome. there are youtube videos and stuff where he can learn little songs on keyboards, but i wouldn’t mind teaching him whatever if he likes learning from a person instead of a video.”

“i’ll have to ask him.” given the instant shine hayden’s taken to axe, ryan figures he’ll give youtube a rest for the day if axe offers to teach him. “it’s really cool of you to offer, though.”

axe shrugs. “he seems like a good kid. his excitement is pretty infectious.”

“yeah,” ryan starts to say, but he hears a crash in the background and hayden’s fearful voice calling for him. “shit. sorry, i gotta—”

“no, go. i’ll see you.”

he more or less slams the door in axe’s face before rushing to find hayden. he’s standing in the kitchen with shards of glass around his feet, so ryan orders him not to move and tugs a pair of his shoes on. he scoops hayden up and sets him on the counter. “i’m sorry,” hayden says tearfully. “i broke it.”

“it’s okay,” ryan says. he lifts up hayden’s feet one by one and checks for cuts. when he doesn’t find any, he sets about cleaning the mess. glass crunches beneath his feet as he crosses the room to pull the broom out of the storage closet. “it was an accident.”

“i just wanted to get a drink without interrupting you and axe.” hayden sniffles and pokes his fingers into his eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay. “i’m sorry, dad.”

ryan sweeps all the glass into a pile and sets the broom aside so he can grab hayden the drink he wanted in the first place. “water?”

“juice,” hayden mumbles. ryan gets him a plastic cup just in case and moves four or five of his kid cups to a bottom cabinet so hayden can reach them next time without daring to grab one out of the drying rack. “i’m so sorry.”

ryan frowns a little bit. hayden’s usually good about apologizing when necessary—trinity refused to let him take on the cirino trait of stubbornness—but even this is a little excessive.

“hayds,” ryan says gently, and it’s only ever times like these when he bothers with the nickname, “it’s a glass. it’s not the end of the world. are you okay?”

hayden twists his hands together in his lap. “it’s my first day with you, and i already ruined it,” he sobs. “and you and mama said i only get to go to the zoo if i’m good.”

“we’re still going to the zoo.” ryan rubs hayden’s shoulder and pulls him into a quick hug before kissing the top of his head. “you didn’t burn the house down, kiddo. it was an accident. and you were being good, not wanting to interrupt people, but it’s okay to interrupt if you need help. just come tug my belt loop or something. okay?”

“okay.” hayden sniffles again and holds tight to ryan’s shirt. he rubs at his eyes. “so, we’re still going to the zoo?”

ryan smiles at the hopeful note in hayden’s voice. “all four of us. you, me, mama, and papa.”

hayden sighs in relief. ryan asks him to stay on the counter while he sweeps the glass into a dustpan and vacuums over the linoleum to get any glass shards he didn’t catch with the broom. after that, being over-cautious, ryan lets hayden climb on his back and walks him into the living room. within minutes, hayden’s climbing all over the couch and singing his latest favorite song. ryan admires his quick recovery time.

--

it has a special little place in my heart. here's some other sections i like:

------ axe gave the kiddo some cds to try and hayden is disappointed classical music sucks -------

the next day, they go for a drive because ryan needs to deposit a check. the second the get in the car, hayden digs into his backpack and taps ryan on the shoulder with one of the cds axe lent him. “please,” hayden adds, when ryan’s too busy buckling his seatbelt to grab it immediately. “axe says he wants to know what i think, so i got to listen.”

“sure thing.”

halfway through the thirty-minute drive to the bank—ryan’s seriously considering switching, if only for the convenience factor—hayden asks ryan to pause the music. “this is kind of boring,” he says sadly.

“this is the classical cd. maybe you’ll like jazz better?”

hayden sighs, but dutifully digs through his backpack to find the second cd. ryan swaps them out. the first track is all piano, but the second one has a saxophone solo, and hayden says, “i like that,” after it’s over. “what instrument is that? piano?”

“i think it’s saxophone,” ryan tells him, but he’s not a hundred percent confident in his answer. “it’s a gold instrument.”

“huh.”

there’s hardly a peep out of hayden for the next few minutes, and ryan turns to check on him at the next stoplight. hayden’s passed out cold. ryan wishes he could take a picture, but he’s become the most boring, safest driver around since he had a kid. he won’t even touch his phone if he’s behind the wheel.

hayden comes to at the bank but quickly rolls his head against the seatbelt pillow and conks out again. he sets hayden’s usual lollipop aside because his son takes after him—hell hath no fury like ryan cirino being awakened from a nap, and all—but takes a quick picture of hayden while he’s parked to send to trinity.

ryan: [image]

trinity: i see he’s taking after his father

ryan: stop i know

ryan: also i talked to axe, he said hayds is kind of young to learn an instrument for real but we can look into like children’s toys?? he said hayds is kind of into piano so maybe a keyboard

ryan: but also axe gave him piano cds and hayds says he really likes sax

trinity: maybe there are sax toys? i’ll look!!

ryan: awesome

ryan: maybe theres some at target?? @ jason hook us up

trinity: LMAO i’ll ask him

ryan sets his phone down and turns to check on hayden again. his face is soft with sleep; his breaths are deep and even. ryan watches him for a few moments, letting peace seep into his bones just watching his child rest safe and sound. though he and trinity were both scared shitless when she tried six different pregnancy tests that came out positive, he’s beyond grateful now. he doesn’t even remember how he made it through the day before this kid.

taking so quickly to fatherhood was something of a surprise for ryan, but his parents seemed to expect it. dora says she always knew ryan would be a good father. michio rolled his eyes when he saw how easily hayden wrapped ryan around his finger, but he clapped ryan on the shoulder, too, which is about as good of a seal of approval one can get from michio cirino. even trinity said she wasn’t scared about ryan being a bad father—she was just worried about how they’d make it.

their relationship changed after she had hayden. they were both tired all the time, both working as much as they could, but once trinity’s pregnancy leave was up and over, they became a well-oiled machine in that time. they fell out of love without even realizing it, but ryan still loves her like crazy; they still treat one another to dinner when they have time, and jason sometimes tags along. sometimes, ryan has to laugh because, growing up, he thought his parents had a ridiculously complicated dynamic, but now hayden has a dad, a touchan, and a mama—all of whom get along, all of whom hug and say ‘i love you’, all of whom want nothing more than to to see him grow up a healthy, happy kid.

he turns the jazz piano down a few notches to make sure hayden gets the rest he needs. he takes the long way home, unwilling to wake hayden up so soon, but eventually they’re back at his apartment and hayden’s ready to bounce and wreak havoc as usual.

-------- axe joins pizza night <3 ---------

“the pizza’ll be, like, thirty minutes,” ryan announces. “hayden, you picking the movie?”

“i want axe to pick.”

ryan sighs and gestures axe to the living room. “he’s on his way to idolizing you.”

“i’ll try to be a good role model, then.” hayden pats axe’s leg and drags him over to ryan’s laptop, masterfully typing in the number code and clicking on the itunes icon to show axe their collection of movies. axe listens as hayden rambles on about what he likes and what ryan hates, so by the time axe actually has the choices in front of him, he’s more or less backed into a corner. “i guess i’ll have to go with moana.”

“good choice,” hayden praises him. “i like finding nemo the most, but dad can’t watch it because it makes him nervous about if i’m lost.”

“that makes sense. finding nemo makes me sad, too.”

“what’s that stuff on you?” hayden asks, jabbing a finger at axe’s shirt.

“cat fur. i have two cats.”

hayden’s eyes go wide as the moon. “animals?” he says in disbelief. “dad—”

“i know where that’s going, and the answer is no,” ryan says, pouring a glass of tea for himself and a cup of milk for hayden. “you want a drink, axe? i have beer, tea, milk, or water.”

axe leans his head over the back of the couch. “would it be alright if i made myself a cup of coffee?”

“oh, sure. i’ll do it; don’t worry about it.”

“i want coffee, too,” hayden says, despite knowing full well he’s not allowed to have caffeine at his age. ryan lets the silence speak for him. “ugh, dad, you never let me do anything fun.”

in a quiet aside, axe says, “coffee tastes gross. it’s for adults because it’s nasty. i only drink it because it keeps me awake.”

“what does it taste like?” hayden whispers back.

“bad. like dirt. i miss drinking milk like you.”

hayden scrunches up his nose at the mention of dirt, and ryan smiles at the sight. “dad says coffee would make me jump on the walls.”

axe considers that then nods his head. “he’s probably right, man. i’d listen to him. dads are usually right about that kind of stuff.”

“who’s your dad?” hayden asks bluntly.

“hayden,” ryan warns.

“it’s fine,” axe assures him. “my dad’s name is peter harmon. he lives in florida, and he hates coffee.”

“some old people hate coffee?” he seems scandalized at the very thought. “how do they stay awake?”

“they sleep better.”

“can i meet your dad?”

“hayden.”

“sorry,” he says sheepishly. “i’m just wondering.”

“i can show you a picture,” axe offers. ryan brings hayden his sippy cup of milk and ignores hayden’s indignant frown at the choice of cup. that’s for babies, hayden keeps saying. ryan doesn’t have the heart to say, i know, and you’re growing up now, so i really need to throw these damn things away. “that’s my dad, and that’s his partner, gabriel.”

hayden tries to repeat the name gabriel and butchers it a little, but his eyes light up when he sees axe’s dad. “you look like him. i don’t really look like my dad.”

catching the hint of disappointment in hayden’s voice, axe rushes to change his mind. “no, you definitely look like your dad. the older you get, the more it’ll show, i bet. i looked more like my mom until i was, like, twenty.”

------- ryan and hayden go to adventure palace, the family fun place axe manages -----

when he spends his final coin trying and failing to get a rainbow bear, hayden tears up. ryan takes a minute to calm him down before they head to the front to get their tickets counted.

hayden watches the count go up as ryan feeds the tickets into the machine. “we got, like, a million,” hayden says optimistically, handing ryan more and more handfuls of tickets. “nobody’s ever gotten this much, ever.”

their machine has only counted fifty tickets, but he lets hayden dream. after they’ve given every last ticket to the machine, it spits out a receipt that tells them they earned 402 tickets. hayden clutches it proudly to his chest, so ryan snaps another picture.

ryan: [image] 402 tickets and the kid’s ready to rule the world

jason: I believe in him bitch

ryan: jsdjhjs same

hayden wants to climb on his back because his feet are starting to hurt, but ryan makes him walk the few steps to the redemption counter before he lifts him while they stand in line. hayden points to a blow up seahorse on the wall. “i want that,” he tells ryan.

it costs about five thousand more tickets than they have available, so he pats hayden on the back and says, “let’s pick something else. what would you do with a big seahorse?”

hayden frowns. “tell it it’s pretty.”

ryan laughs and commits that to memory so he can tell trinity and jason about it later. hayden settles on a few smaller things, once he realizes that the number on his receipt is too small to get the super cool prizes. one stuffed slice of pizza, two bottles of bubbles, and a jar of pink slime later, hayden’s down to fifty tickets. he crouches down to look at the bins of stuff on display beneath the plastic counter and eventually taps ryan’s calf. “papi?”

“yeah?”

“do i have enough for four bracelets?”

ryan bends down to see how much the bracelets are, ten a pop, so he says, “yep.”

to the employee working with them at the redemption counter, hayden says, “i want four of these bracelets, please.”

ryan pats him on the back of the neck to show his approval of the good manners—he’ll have to take hayden for ice cream, if he’s up for it—and watches fondly as hayden pokes through the box of bracelets, brow furrowed in focus as he takes his time picking the colors he wants.

after he makes his choices, he still has ten points left, but he shrugs as if to say he doesn’t want them. ryan points to a box of candies and lets two pieces make up the difference.

both hayden and ryan have full arms as they walk out to the car together, and hayden takes his time reorganizing his backpack while ryan facetimes trinity and tells her about their time at the arcade. trinity laughs her ass off when he retells the seahorse story. by the time hayden gets onscreen to talk to his mom, he’s rubbing his eyes and mumbling.

“the baby’s tired,” jason says.

“i’m not a baby,” hayden says, like a typical four-year-old. “i just need a nap.”

“you get that from me,” ryan tells him, as always. to trinity and jason, he says, “we’ll talk to you two soon.”

“are we still going to the zoo?”

trinity’s face softens. “yeah, baby, we’re still going to the zoo. dad said you’ve been really good.”

hayden relaxes into his seat and rests his head on the seatbelt pillow ryan bought for his car naps. “okay. i bought us bracelets, so everyone knows we’re together.”

inexplicably, ryan feels himself tear up. he lets trinity and jason say goodbye before he shuts the door and wipes at his eyes, pinching his nose and sniffling. “me, too, buddy,” jason says, and ryan sees his eyes are a little red. “he’s the sweetest kid.”

“i didn’t even connect it. he said he wanted four of them, but i just thought. . .” ryan trails off because he didn’t really think anything. “fuck, guys, he spent a while picking out those colors. he was really thinking about it.”

he starts laughing a few seconds later because trinity looks near-tears, too, and it’s a little funny that the three of them got so tore up over hayden’s thoughtfulness. “anyway, i better drive us home and let him go down for a real nap. we’ll—”

“hey, uh, mr. ryan?”

ryan glances up to see an adventure palace employee in a polo. “yeah?” he wonders if he left his wallet or something.

“axe told me to bring you this,” the kid says, and that’s when ryan notices he has a rainbow bear in hand. “i saw you two having some trouble with the claw machines, and we all kind of know they’re bogus, so. . .”

“that is so sweet of you,” replies ryan, taken back. “thank you. how much is it?”

“oh, free.” the employee waves a hand and gestures back to the establishment behind them. “axe is big on breaking rules. he gives kids free stuff all the time.”

“thank you,” ryan says again. “can you tell him me and hayden said thanks?”

“what was that?” trinity asks after the employee wishes them a good day and takes their leave.

“axe sent one of his employees out here to give us a free bear.” ryan flips the camera around so trinity can see. “hayden wanted it earlier. it was in one of those claw machines, you know, the ones that are rigged? i guess they saw us and wanted to be nice.”

“damn, that’s nice.”

“i know.” ryan peeks through the back window and sees that hayden’s already fast asleep. “he’ll be happy when he wakes up.”

“send pictures,” trinity says as usual. “you should grab a nap, too, ryan. you look tired.”

ryan has more laundry to do and a lunch to throw together back at home, but he tells her he’ll do his best.

later, when hayden wakes up enough to rejoin the waking world, he demands to know how ryan got the impossible bear. because he figures it’s a little more exciting than just saying, “one of the employees opened the glass and took it out,” he spins a grander story, telling hayden that one of the employees worked super hard to win it because they saw hayden really wanted it. “axe told them to give it to you,” ryan finishes.

“axe is the best.” hayden hugs the bear to his chest. “should i give him something back?”

“you don’t have to. axe was just being nice.”

“but. . .” hayden pauses. “i can draw a picture. but he likes music.” hayden’s mouth twists as he considers his thank-you gift. ryan leaves to get him a cup of water and a fruit roll-up for a pre-dinner snack. when he comes back, hayden says, “can you help me write what my favorite songs are called?”

“sure,” ryan says. “or, uh, if you want, i have some cds.”

“what?”

“like, you could put your favorite songs on a cd,” ryan tells him, unsure of how to explain the concept of a mix cd to a four-year-old. “and then you give him the cd so he can listen to them.”

“oh,” hayden says, dragging the word out. “yeah. i wanna do that.”

ryan hasn’t burned music cds since he was in high school, but it’s basically muscle memory. though he knows it’s not a good lesson for his child, he goes on youtube to help hayden remember all of his favorite songs then uses a converter to illegally download them. hayden doesn’t seem to be paying attention to the technicalities; while he’s listening to the songs ryan pulls up for him, he doodles on a sheet of paper. he asks ryan how to spell the words “to,” “axe,” and “from,” and needs help remembering what some of the letters look like, but he’s gotten pretty good at writing “hayden” on his own.

because ryan’s computer is ancient, it quotes him forty-five minutes to burn the cd. though hayden’s reluctant to drop his project and do something else, ryan manages to talk him into helping make dinner: shell pasta and cheese with peas, another one of hayden’s favorites. hayden is still too young to cook properly, but he’s a fantastic assistant chef; he turns off the sink when the water line rises to what ryan guesses is about six cups, pours the box of pasta in when the water starts to boil, and stirs the pot once or twice before ryan gets nervous about the steam being too hot for hayden.

ryan lets hayden play with his new toys while they wait for the pasta to get tender. hayden blows bubbles and giggles when ryan pretends like it stings when they touch him, then he starts singing one of his favorite songs that must have gotten stuck in his head. ryan’s back at the stove stirring the pasta when a text comes through.

axe: I hope this doesn’t sound super weird but I walked by yours on the way to my apartment and I heard Hayden singing and he’s got TALENT

ryan grins and sends a screenshot of the text to trinity. she sends back a few crying-laughing emojis, and ryan responds to axe’s text.

ryan: stop this is super funny

ryan: hey, also, thanks for the bear it made hayden super happy

ryan: hes been working on a project all afternoon to repay you

axe: You’re kidding?? That’s so sweet

axe: Man what the hell he’s like the best kid I’ve ever met in my life you’re all doing a fantastic job raising him

ryan: hes an easy kid to raise like

ryan: hes so smart and makes good decisions for himself a lot of the time

ryan: but seriously thank you for the compliment, were all really proud of him

axe: As you should be

axe: Speaking as a person who’s worked around kids at least 5 days a week for about 8 years he’s one of the best kids I’ve ever met

ryan: hey like are you home for the night

ryan bites his lip and stares anxiously at the text. why the hell did he send that? quickly, he adds another text.

ryan: hayden’s probably gonna wanna bring your project over as soon as its done

fuck, ryan thinks. he’s the least smooth person alive. he rushes to stir the pasta when he sees it’s about to boil over. hayden blows more bubbles, but ryan’s pained reaction is delayed. hayden boos him.

axe: Ya I’m home!! I’m working on some projects of my own for music stuff

axe: My friend is coming over soon tho but it’s a friend !!! Not a sex friend

axe: My point is that ur child’s eyes will be safe

axe: I wasn’t trying to remind you that I’m single again but that is an added benefit I suppose

axe: The bottom line is ya man I’m home for the nite

ryan: nice

ryan: youre good dude but yeah me and little man might stop by if thats okay

axe: I’ll be here!! Me and my friend are actually making music so if he wants to listen for a bit he can

ryan: oh cool hed probably like that

impulse tells him to screenshot and send proof of this to dakota, but dakota’s been out of the country for business for the past week and hasn’t had time to respond to any messages. ryan will just have to fill him in when he returns. hayden asks who ryan’s texting, but ryan lies and says it’s mama because he doesn’t want hayden to know he already told axe there’s a project coming his way.

they put the pasta through a strainer then return it to the pot. hayden’s favorite part is stirring in the cheese, so ryan leaves him to it after reminding him to stay away from the metal pan because it’s still hot. he pours them two solo cups of tea, leaving the ice out of hayden’s.

ryan has a table in the kitchen, but it’s not comfortable for hayden to sit at without a booster seat, so they usually just eat on his couch and call it good. hayden’s messy, so ryan makes sure to lay a towel down in his seat before hayden climbs up.

“today was fun,” hayden says while they’re eating. “thank you for taking me.”

ryan’s heart softens, seeing hayden’s earnest eyes. there’s cheese sauce all over his chin, so ryan uses his paper towel to wipe at it. “you’re welcome, little man. you know it’s fun for me, too.”

“you didn’t really play the games.”

“it’s fun for me to see you have fun,” ryan tells him. “we can go again sometime when the weather’s better.”

“and golf?”

“and golf.”

hayden eats another bite of his macaroni and cheese. “maybe axe can play next time?”

ryan has no idea what axe’s work hours are like, nor does he know if axe would be interested in hanging out with ryan and hayden long enough to go mini-golfing, so he doesn’t want to make any promises. “maybe. next time you come over, we’ll ask if he’s busy.”

“okay. i’m full.”

ryan checks his bowl, and hayden’s only eaten about half of the macaroni and cheese he usually puts away, but they had a late lunch. he sends hayden to go wash up and carts their bowls into the kitchen.

he goes to his room to make sure the cd finished and places it into a spare case when itunes tells him it’s good to go. in sharpie, he writes, “hayden’s favorite songs” on the lines allotted. he takes the picture hayden drew axe and folds it until it works as an album cover of sorts.

hayden comes back from washing up, all of his toys gathered into his hands. he pushes most of them into his backpack but leaves a few for the toy chest that stays in ryan’s room. “i cleaned up after myself,” hayden tells ryan.

“i see that,” ryan says, a little amused. “thanks, buddy. want dessert?”

hayden clasps his hands behind his back and sways in place. “yes, sir.”

ryan raises an eyebrow. “what’s with the perfect manners?” he teases, reaching out to tickle hayden’s sides. “what are you angling for?”

“dad,” hayden complains through his helpless laughter. “stop it. i’m trying to be good.”

“you’re being awesome.” ryan presses a fierce kiss to his forehead. “best kid in the world, no question. what do you want for dessert? i have ice cream here, but we can go to dairy queen if you want.”

“um,” hayden says. “can we bring axe dessert?”

ryan sits back in his seat. he should have saw that coming. “he might not like dessert,” he tells hayden. unfortunately, he loves his kid too much to break his giving spirit. “why don’t you go ask him?”

hayden grins with all of his teeth. “can i? alone?”

ryan wishes he knew who hayden inherited his guts from. ryan would have never wanted to step out alone as a child, so it must be trinity’s influence. “not alone alone. i’ll stand at our door and wait for you.”

“okay.” it says wonders that hayden doesn’t even try to angle for more independence. “can i ask now?”

“sure,” ryan tells him. “do you want to give him his gift, too?”

“yes!” hayden calls. a second ago, he ran out of the room to go put his shoes on, but now he scurries back in to take the cd from ryan. he pulls his socks off, slips into his flip flops, and waits for ryan to lift him so he can handle the lock, as usual.

as soon as the door’s open he wriggles his way out of ryan’s grasp and starts down the hall. once he’s in front of the next door over, he hesitates, so ryan waves his hand to guide him down one door further. “416,” he says to hayden. “four-one-six.”

hayden peers up at the numbers beside the doors with a scowl. “the six is the snowman?”

“no, that’s an eight. a six is kind of like a snowman, but it only has one circle on the bottom.”

“okay.” hayden finds the right door and sends ryan a look to make sure before he knocks, immediately tucking his hands behind his back again. apparently hayden did inherit a little hint of ryan’s shyness.

axe answers the door a few seconds later and smiles at the sight of hayden. “hey, man. where’s your. . .?” he catches sight of ryan before he can finish the sentence. “hey, ryan.”

ryan nods his hello and lets hayden do the talking, while he’s feeling brave. “me and dad wanted to know if you like dessert, and i have this”—he lifts the cd as high as he can, but axe crouches down to take the gift from him—“cd with songs. dad said there are songs on there. we made it.” he pauses to take a breath for the first time. “we also have vanilla and green ice cream.”

just seeing axe smile at his kid makes ryan smile, too. he always thinks hayden is the best because he’s biased like most other parents in the world, but it feels good to see other people taking notice of how incredible his son is. axe flips the case open to see the title written on it and smiles even harder. “thank you so much,” he tells hayden. “this is the best gift anyone’s ever gotten me.”

though it won’t show on hayden’s brown skin, ryan’s sure he’s blushing. hayden’s hands are twisting restlessly behind his back. “you like it?”

“i love music and cds, and i love knowing people’s favorite songs.” axe unfolds the picture hayden drew for him and smiles some more. “this is really good, dude. you must draw a lot.”

“only sometimes,” hayden mumbles. “dad helped me write the words.”

“your handwriting is pretty good.”

“it’s okay.”

“it’s awesome,” says axe, copying hayden’s usual fervent tone when he says his favorite word. “thank you. i’ll listen to it and tell you what i think.” 

“okay.” hayden cuts his eyes to ryan, so ryan gives him a reassuring nod. “um, ice cream?”

“sure. i have a friend over. is there enough for him?”

“uh. . .” again, hayden’s gaze slides over to ryan, so ryan nods again. “yes. we have vanilla and green—i mean mint.”

“mint chocolate chip?”

“yeah,” ryan says for hayden. “that’s just a lot of syllables, so he calls it mint.”

“understood. that’s my favorite.”

“it’s me and my dad’s favorite, too!” hayden exclaims. “it’s the best.”

“it is the best,” axe agrees. “my friend likes vanilla better. do you want me to help carry the bowls?” he looks at ryan. “or, if it’s easier, you can just bring the cartons and use my bowls?”

“we’ll do that.”

ryan gestures hayden back to the apartment, but hayden tilts his head and says, “what’s that?”

ryan can’t hear anything, but axe says, “it’s a xylophone.”

“a zylophlone,” hayden repeats. axe nods because it’s close enough. “what’s that?”

this probably would work out better if ryan just handled the ice cream on his own. he tells hayden he can just go inside if axe is alright with it, and axe immediately says he is, so ryan runs and grabs the ice cream and his keys before following on their heels.

axe’s apartment is somehow worlds apart from ryan’s on the inside, despite how they have the same floor plan. where ryan’s walls are plain white with nothing but a row of coat hooks to break it up, axe’s walls are covered with taped up drawings—done by at least a semi-professional hand—photographs, and band posters. ryan doesn’t recognize any of the bands besides third eye blind, but he wonders if his apartment could use some decor. axe’s feels more like home than ryan’s has in two years.

“dad!” hayden shouts, running in from the living room to hug ryan around the legs. “dad, dad, look! they have some—some—like, there’s—”

“breathe,” ryan says, cradling the ice cream cartons in one arm as he bends to grab hayden’s shoulder. “hey, kiddo, relax. talk slower.”

hayden nods his head as he gulps down a few breaths. “sorry,” he manages. “i got too excited. they have so many instruments!”

“that’s awesome.” axe comes in from the living room to take the ice cream off ryan’s hands, and ryan follows him into the kitchen.

hayden is still clinging to ryan’s leg, so ryan leans down to pick him up, but hayden dances out of his grasp. “i don’t wanna be held,” he grumbles under his breath.

“it’s not embarrassing to let your dad hold you,” axe says, apparently having overheard. “i think it’s cool when you’re as tall as me.”

abruptly, hayden loves the idea of being held in front of new adults. ryan huffs out a laugh and props his son up on his hip. “oh, uh, i brought an ice cream spoon because i didn’t know if you’d have one,” ryan tells axe. “it’s in my jacket.”

axe turns and starts to reach for ryan’s chest without thinking then pulls up short. “i should probably ask for permission before i hit second base with you, yeah?”

a disbelieving laugh leaves ryan’s mouth. “keep it clean, kid,” a voice says behind ryan. “there’s an actual child in here.”

hayden frowns a little even if it’s a true statement, so ryan pats his back and asks him to grab the spoon out of ryan’s jacket so he feels like he’s helping. “that’s tilman,” hayden whispers not so quietly to ryan. “it’s axe’s friend, but they’re brothers.”

“oh,” ryan says, turning to greet him. “hi, nice to meet you. i’m ryan.”

tilman is shorter than axe and ryan with teal hair and dark brown eyes. his shirt sleeves are torn off, and ryan can see tattoos peeking out from his ribcage. “hi. nice to meet you, too.”

“you definitely look like brothers.” ryan can’t help but think of natalie, who’s currently on strike and refusing to answer ryan’s messages. he and natalie barely resemble one another in looks, but every time they’re together, people comment on their identical mannerisms—a flick of the fingers here, a raised eyebrow there. when he was younger, people calling attention to the similarities irritated the shit out of ryan, but he’s probably more in the habit of savoring them now.

kicking his feet to tap ryan’s leg, hayden says, “i don’t have any brothers.”

“maybe later.” tilman cracks a smile at their exchange.

---------- flirtyyyyyyyyyyyyyy dumbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb ughhhhhhhhhhhhh --------

computer set aside, ryan ambles around his apartment, quietly unloading the dish rack and washing the few bowls and spoons they used today. he brushes his teeth again—he had a cup of tea after he and hayden brushed together—and is in the middle of changing out of his jeans when his phone buzzes.

axe: Hey man jsyk you left your jacket here!! I’m sure you’re sleeping but

ryan: no im awake i can come grab it

axe: Oh okay cool!! I’ll come out

though his eyes protest the light in the main hallway, ryan steps outside and grabs his jacket from axe. every inch of him wants to walk right back inside his apartment without another word, but he forces himself to say, “thanks.”

“you’re welcome. you look exhausted; you should head to bed.”

ryan nods, but something makes him lean against the nearest wall like he plans on staying for a few moments longer. he glances over his shoulder to make sure the door to his apartment is shut tight.

“do you have him full-time?”

“nah. i don’t really have the space for a full-time kid, but i’ve been saving.” idly wringing his jean jacket, ryan looks over his shoulder again. “this isn’t really a good complex for a kid to grow up, but even so, he’s better off with trinity full-time.”

axe must notice the lack of self-pity in ryan’s words because he doesn’t rush to reassure ryan that he’s a great parent, too. “i can tell he’s a happy kid,” axe says instead. “i know you think he’s kind of latching onto me—”

“he is.”

“a little,” axe allows with a grin. his eyelashes are long and dark, curled to perfection, and it takes ryan a moment to realize that it’s not natural. the little flecks of black around his eyes prove that axe is wearing mascara. “but he admires you a fuckton, too. when he was checking out the instruments before you got there, he was just chattering about how he couldn’t wait to show you.”

that nearly calls tears to ryan’s eyes, mostly because it’s late and he’s feeling sentimental, but he manages to blink them back. “he’s such a sweet kid, man. i don’t know how i got so lucky.” axe doesn’t reply immediately, so ryan takes the opportunity to thank him for the jacket. “i’ll see you later.”

axe echoes the farewell, but neither of them move an inch. “want me to carry you to bed?” axe asks.

his eyes are blue and just innocent enough to be convincing, but over the past four years, ryan’s grown to be well-versed in telling genuine innocence apart from dirty tricks. “nice try.”

“i can stop trying.” though a smile pulls at his lips, axe’s eyes say he means it. “i’m sure you don’t need any more stress in your life.”

“i don’t mind.”

the tilt of axe’s head says he’s still uncertain. “you ‘don’t mind’ as in ‘i’m too polite to say shut up,’ or. . .?”

ryan rolls his eyes and folds his arms over his chest. “i ‘don’t mind’ as in ‘i’m not bothered if a cute guy who’s nice to my kid wants to flirt with me.’”

“awesome,” axe says. “is it too bold to say i was totally serious about carrying you to bed sometime?”

pushing off the wall, ryan turns his back on axe so the man doesn’t see his stupid grin. “goodnight, axe.”

he shuts his door behind him with a quiet click and grabs a glass of water before he heads to bed. as usual, hayden’s sprawled across the bed like he owns it and tangled in his comfort blanket.

ryan’s exhausted, but he’s happy. he turns on his side and rests a hand on hayden’s back for a little comfort of his own, and he’s asleep in seconds.

----------- hayden has to get glasses and he's CRYING -------

over the next few days, ryan works, mopes, and cooks only enough for one. he finds hayden’s socks everywhere and a bottle of bubbles he probably didn't want to leave behind. at least it's an excuse to drop by sooner rather than later to deliver the forgotten goods.

he and hayden facetime once, sometimes twice a day, and it's enough. ryan gets to pick him up one afternoon from school but has to take him straight to jason, who’s the only one out of three parents available to take hayden to his eye appointment. in a fifteen-minute drive, ryan gets five minutes of chatter about hayden’s school day and ten minutes of snoring. he buckles hayden into jason’s car in the knick of time.

“let us know how it goes,” ryan says to jason as he kisses hayden’s hair. “tell him i said bye when he wakes up.”

“will do.” jason gives ryan a quick hug before he hurries to the driver’s side and starts up the engine. “dinner on thursday!”

“okay!”

he only has a few minutes to get back to work before his lunch break’s over, so he doesn’t loiter. robins has been a busy place lately with everyone preparing for easter celebrations this coming weekend, but ryan prefers it to slow-moving shifts where the only people in the store for hours on end are the employees. nyla finds him at four o’clock to tell him they’re running low on egg coloring kits—certainly, those getting off work at five o’clock might drop by to pick up a few things—so he sends someone into storage to find the rest of them. it’s almost seven-thirty by the time he gets a chance to check his phone.

jason: Hi Dad this is Hayden and I have to get glasses and I’m gonna look like a nerd

jason: That text looks funny, but I assure you he actually cried over looking like a nerd

the force of ryan’s laughter shocks him. glasses aren’t the end of the world—natalie wears contacts and had glasses for a time—and he’d much rather help foot the cost for glasses than watch hayden continue on squinting and bumping into things. he researched a little, and a few sites said that kids who need glasses at a young age sometimes grow out of it. he has a feeling that won’t be much consolation for hayden.

before he can respond with something suitably comforting, or take it one step further and offer to wear fake glasses so hayden doesn’t look like a nerd alone, one of his employees calls him to the front over the register intercom.

when it finally hits eight o’clock, ryan bids his co-workers goodnight and runs to his car, hoping to spare himself for the rain, but he bears striking resemblance to a drowned rat by the time he’s safely in the front seat. cursing under his breath, ryan takes his jacket off and tosses it into the passenger seat. he should probably buy himself food on the way home, but damp hair and rain-sticky skin doesn’t put him in the best of moods. he goes straight home against all logic.

after a shower, he feels more like a human, but he still doesn’t have much food to pick from. he drinks one of the tiny juice boxes he bought for hayden—it takes him about three sips to finish off—and pops a few chips into his mouth while he searches for a better meal. hell, he’s so tired, he wouldn’t even mind going to bed without dinner, but waking up at three am starving isn’t something he likes to do with any frequency. whatever. he snags a granola bar and walks around the house to collect water bottles.

he sets his recycling out a minute before nine pm pick up and waves when he catches axe across the hall, setting his outside, too. axe’s blue bin has quite a few collapsed cardboard boxes. “hey, ryan,” axe says warmly. “how was your day?”

“kind of busy.” because he knows axe will find it amusing, he adds, “hayden does need glasses, by the way. he went to the doctor today then cried because he’s scared he’ll look like a nerd.”

like ryan expected, axe starts laughing. “he’s a trip.” his eyes drop down to ryan’s hands, and ryan crinkles the granola bar wrapper in his hand. “was that your dinner?”

“yeah,” ryan admits. “i got home sort of late, so. . .not the first time nor the last time i’ll have a poor excuse of a meal for dinner.”

axe’s face says he’s been there and done that a thousand times over, but he also jerks his chin towards his apartment. “i did a stir fry, like, an hour ago. you want any?”

stir fry sounds fucking insanely good, but ryan wouldn’t feel right eating axe’s food. if they’re both living on this side of town, in this apartment complex, ryan doubts axe is rolling in money and resources. “i’m okay. thank you, though.”

axe kicks one of his shoes into the doorway to hold the door and disappears inside his apartment without a response. he comes back with a tupperware dish. “i’m not gonna eat it anyway,” axe says when he sees the skepticism on ryan’s face.

“that bad?”

“no.” his smile is sweet and stupid, and ryan kind of wishes hayden were around to bother him into going to see axe more often. “you can get me back another time if you accidentally make too much food.”

ryan drops his too-polite-to-ask-for-food facade. fair trade is something he can work with. “sounds good. thanks, dude.”

“you’re welcome. have a nice rest of your night. and hey,” axe says, just before ryan disappears into his apartment. “can you tell hayden i say hi?”

though he tries to temper it, ryan’s grin comes out in full force. “sure. he’ll be happy to hear from you.”

“if it’ll help any, you can tell him i think glasses are super awesome.”

impossibly enough, ryan feels his smile widen. “i’ll give that a try. thanks, axe.”

they exchange goodnights again and let their doors swing shut behind them. ryan heats up the stir fry in his microwave and hums after he takes the first bite. he really needs to get in the habit of making himself dinner before he goes to work so a warm meal is just a few minutes in the microwave away.

it’s too late to call hayden to give him axe’s message, so he settles for texting trinity and asking her to let hayden call in the morning. before he goes to bed, he googles “my four year old needs glasses” again and reads a couple of articles about what he can do to make sure hayden’s vision develops normally. he even spends a few minutes looking at frames online and finds quite a few colorful pairs he knows will be right up hayden’s ally.

after he’s reasonably sure that he’ll be able to convince hayden glasses look cool, he searches something else. “my kid loves music” brings up a handful of sites promising to tell ryan everything he needs to know about raising a musical child, but he can feel his eyes drooping, so he only takes the time to bookmark two of them before he rolls over to go to sleep.

as per usual when hayden’s not home, ryan tosses and turns and starts awake more times than he can count. one of those times, he wakes up so cold he heaves himself out of bed to go to grab another blanket out of the rarely-used hall closet. he finds a blanket he stole when he moved away from home and wraps it around his shoulders, but then his eyes catch on the bottom shelf. ryan crouches down.

hayden’s rainbow bear is sitting on top of a few pillowcases ryan has no use for right now. ryan can’t imagine why hayden would have stowed it in here of all places, but he takes it out for now and sits it on his dresser so he remembers to tell hayden he found it in the morning.

hayden calls before ryan even gets out of bed—he doesn’t work until four pm today, so he usually sleeps in a little bit—and he seems convinced enough when ryan tells him axe thinks glasses are awesome. ryan describes a few of the cooler glasses frames he saw online last night, too.

when ryan tells him he found the rainbow bear from adventure palace, hayden immediately gets shy. ryan mistakes it for sadness and offers to bring the bear to dinner tomorrow, but hayden shrugs and changes the subject. once he gets passed off to trinity—it was time for hayden to brush his teeth and get his socks on—he brings it up again. “has hayden been asking about his bear?”

trinity gives it thought, but she says no. “he has asked about axe, though.”

“i can get him to facetime hayden, probably.” still, ryan bites at his nail. “i just found the bear in my closet last night, so i thought he’d been missing it, but. . .”

“what’s wrong?”

“nothing,” ryan says, because nothing’s wrong, it’s just nibbling at his conscience a little. “just, i never use that closet, like, ever. hayden knows that. i don’t know why he’d hide it in there.” a thought occurs to him, but even as he says it, it doesn’t sound right. “maybe he just doesn’t want it anymore and he didn’t know how to tell me.”

neither of them really believe that, going by the look on trinity’s face. “i’ll bring it up later,” she decides. “i don’t want him to think he can’t tell us if he doesn’t like certain toys anymore.”

“yeah, good call.”

they hang up a few seconds later, and ryan stares at the bear on his dresser. hayden had been over the moon when he woke up and realized it was his to keep, so hiding it away doesn’t really add up here.

he decides he’ll bring it to thursday dinner anyway. after all, he has no use for a stuffed animal at his place.

------ spoiler about the above. hayden left the bear at ryan's place because he's lonely and wants his dad to have a friend. hayden best kid ever we know -----

ah whatever there's more but that's enough

Pancakes reference: “I know, but . . .” Natalie trails off and peeks at him. “I mean, the drama there has to be crazy. What do you think it was? Like, maybe your mother was already married, and Dad was just a fling then her husband returned from war or something, and she had to get rid of you. Oh—wait, wait, I’ve had this theory for ages.” She takes a deep breath as if to prepare for a grand performance, and Ryan braces himself. “Ryan means ‘little king.’ Do you think that’s a hint? What if she was royalty? What if she was betrothed, and Dad was sort of her throwaway last chance for freedom? Maybe you’re some long-lost prince.”

so ryan's the prince of fucking genovia i guess but natalie's going to be queen because we all know she would be a significantly better ruler than ryan's stupid ass. here are various bullet plot points and outtakes (please note that sonal went crazy for this AU and contributed SO MUCH via text):

• ryan has a fake twitter account where he can be a normal human being (or really just a twitter drama goblin) and not a prince. unfortunately he is very stupid and makes friends, specifically kit and axe. axe is attempting to be a musician and kit is kit, they're all in a gc together because i say so

• its going to be fucking hilarious when axe is like "Why is Prince Ryan so fucking hot" and ryans gonna be like haha my guy i have no idea..... but tell me more..... what's ur fave thing about him.............

• ryan watching hannah montana so he can take notes about how to manage a secret identity

• axe talking about florida and ryan mentioning that he's been there then he's like why the absolute fuck did i say that even though that's not weird at all PLENTY of people have been to florida he's just paranoid

  • A: Oh cool when were you here like ??? I talk to so many people who went here like once when they were 4 to go to Disney and never came back

  • R: yeah that's me too sorry man

  • A: Wait where do you live now?

  • ryan: [googles "random city"] [gets back 'reykjavik, iceland'] [resignedly] fucking… just fucking whatever

  • R: iceland

  • A: What the fuck

• i just realized that sharing birthdays is a normal friend thing to do so what if ry lied about his birthday and axe is rly obnoxious the whole day like saying happy birthday and changing his display name to happy birthday ry and rys like... im a Fake

  • oh my god axe tries so hard to get ryan's address to send him something as well

  • "just email me a label i wont even read it i promise!! ill get my aunt to do it!!!"

  • ryan to team: i fucked up i know but just. can u just get me a cheap house in iceland i'm sorry

• i was thinking about prince ryan and i'm like 75% sure that he deactivates his account for like a full day because he's like yo i'm getting into some fucking SHIT with this axe guy and i don't have time! i'm such a busy prince i am the most busy i have no time at all and this isn't even a big thing... he literally leaves it deactivated for exactly 24 hours just to prove to himself that he can do this but like. 5 minutes into the 25th hour he's like ansfjdsak i tried! did my best! good game prince ryan! and reactivates his dumb account. he's so fucking shady and stupid i'm laughing

• one day ryan whines @ the kitchen staff because he goes to find chips and his fave kind aren't there and he's like? what the fuck :( "Gary next time you order. groceries I want a fuckton of cool ranch Doritos"  "what quanity sir?" "a fuck ton" "yes but--"  "im serious Gary just buy me a fuckton"  "yes sir" 

  • and ryan is. Teasing like Gary has been around forever so he's like ya he'll get me but Gary genuinely orders like 250 bags of cool ranch Doritos and when the shipment comes in he's like ? "I hope this is sufficient and equivalent, as you said, to a 'fuck ton'"

  • he has to donate like 245 bags to charity because there's no way he can eat them in time. headlines are like "Prince Ryan Donated 240 Bags of Cool Ranch Doritos to Various Charities" and everyone is like ???????????

  • if he gets asked about it he's just like "... There was a slight miscommunication with the kitchen staff”

• do u think ryan one day fucks up and sends a picture of this fucking million dollar painting that's just in the hallway somewhere and then is immediately like "OH HAHA IM AT AN ART MUSEUM.....HAHA"

• ryans probably really more for appearances like?? i dont think he ever has any say in anything important because he's too much of a shithead and makes very unhelpful comments just to be spiteful

  • the only thing he would genuinely get involved in would be like social issues because he's interested n passionate about that

  • actually like his family probably let's him be openly supportive of lgbt because like We Have A Progressive Prince!!!! but like not too supportive you know they filter a fair amount of it but ryans like hey I'll take what i can get

• ryan is so bad at being a fake person he confuses his lies all the time

• like honestly I bet ryan starts giving hints on purpose bc he gets BORED

• they start doing voice calls eventually but ryan never goes on camera obviously

• wait we have to have a sweetheart moment. axe calls his cats pet names all the time so they're watching something together and ryans only on audio obviously bc he #shy and hes been quiet for a hot minute bc his moods just drop off sometimes bc like he just wants to Talk™™™ to axe but cant always right... and axes cat. probably susan bc vincent hates him walks in and and is maybe acting weird so axe is like "are you okay sweetheart???" bc u. talk to animals obviously but ryans like. really fucking dumb i want you to be aware of this so he's just like "yeah im okay my mood just kinda dipped" and theres like a really awkward pause in which ryan realizes he instinctively responded to sweetheart and also that axe is cradling one of his cats and also that there is a 85% chance axe wasnt talking to him

• them meeting irl at some princely event in st. augustine whatever the details are but axe doesn't even know. the eye contact goes crazy tho

• by the time ryan finally does a face reveal it's just dead obvious like. i'm really pretty sure that when the Big Reveal happens it's a lot like "Dude you're literally my best friend" and ryan's like "why are appearances such a thing anyways!!!" but like. really. axe so knows. so he just sends a google image result of prince ryan and ryan's like "this is really rude you know" and axe is just like "I've known for like a month why are you making me suffer"

• even after they talk about it axe isn't embarrassed about his past prince ryan thirst at all tho so like with all of the fucking ridic shit he's said about prince ryan he's just like "wow you're so mean you lit just let me go on about your hair and your eyes for hours" "you also enjoyed sending me cropped photos of my own thighs" "LISTEN that was a really bad night for me dude"

• after the reveal they can start talking about their day to day though which is so nice!!! probably a lot of it should stay confidential and ryan knows this so it becomes a thing to make up fake names like. "yeah today I was in Romania" "you were in area 51 got it" "no axe honestly I was literally in Romania. Romania is a place it's not. fake"

• @PrincessNatalie: "Sorry we're late to the luncheon, Ryan wasn't done watching Hannah Montana"

once upon a time, ryan was not japanese. this seems baffling to me now, but i'd read so few fun romance books with asian protagonists that i think it never really felt like a real option. eventually, i got my act together, but before all of that... ryan was canonically italian. not like, his dad immigrated from italy, just like white italian. like if you ask where his family name is from, the answer is it's italian origin. so i thought it would be funny to imagine what it would be like if he were ITALIAN™

Pancakes reference (blink and you miss it): Once upon a time, Ryan’s father made noises about adding something stupid to Ryan’s birth certificate, but Ryan’s mom talked him down.

i'm ryan's stupid dad and i originally made his middle name silio LMFAO as if but this line in pancakes basically exists for me to harken back to original ryan (aka italian ryan)... but honestly, the dumb italy AU is better.

here's the intro/my stream of consciousness when starting this document:

an au in which ryan and natalie are born in italy and axe is supposed to learn about the culture

it's his fourth year taking italian and he knows about as much as a first year should. a classic case of favoritism; his teacher continued to pass him and gave far too much extra credit even if axe is astoundingly bad at the language. the trip takes place during one summer in between college semesters. ryan’s currently working as a waiter, because he was between jobs for too long and natalie was able to get him on the schedule where she worked.

ryan’s exhausted but smiling, refilling a table’s coffee when a group that’s far too large enters the shop. he tries to shoot their hostess a pleading look, to ensure that he isn’t required to serve them, but he can’t catch ari’s eye before he starts pushing tables together so that they can seat 8 to a table. ari sends ryan a smile as the group seats themselves, and they’re obviously americans. on some level, that piques ryan’s interest, considering how much american’s tend to tip, then he realizes that the tables ari pushed together—one’s in ryan’s section and the other is in natalie’s. like, sure, technically he’s only caring for the elderly group of four in his corner, but he’s tired, ari

natalie’s already greeting her new table, so ryan follows her lead and does what they’ve learned to do—give the americans their authentic italian experience. he introduces himself as silio, rather than ryan, and hears natalie call herself natalia instead.

a woman from natalie’s table approaches ryan’s and tells what he assumes to be her students to do their best to speak italian, only. as soon as she leaves, everyone throws the guy closest to ryan an amused look, some saying he’ll die if he has to speak italian for the whole trip, and the guy says, “hey, i learned how to ask for coffee on the plane. i’ll get out of this alive.”

and ryan gets the notion that the guy closest to him doesn’t really know italian at all, so he takes pity. they have english speakers in here every day and he won’t force them to speak italian if they don’t want to. “i know english,” he says. “so, like, you can order in italian for the experience, but if you suck at it, don’t bother.”

the girl across from the guy who apparently sucks at italian says, “once our teacher cancelled an oral exam because she said she couldn’t listen to axe’s italian.”

“and once he just quoted every italian line from the lizzie mcguire movie instead of actually doing the oral exam.”

the boy, axe, seems more amused than anything by everyone at the table picking on him. ryan smiles politely at their banter, then asks what he can get everyone to drink; about half the table asks in italian, some accents convincing and some not so much, then ryan’s sent on his way to gather a tray of drinks. he bumps into natalie at the fountain drink station and they share an eye roll. “americans,” natalie groans. “absolutely awful. their accents are atrocious.”

“i just told mine to speak english,” ryan says. “they aren’t so bad.”

natalie rolls her eyes again, neatly filling a cup with unsweetened tea. “you just like to fuck them.”

which isn’t exactly false, but ryan won’t give her the satisfaction. his last two hook ups were american, sure, but that’s just the luck of the draw. he returns to his table with five water glasses and three coffee mugs, distributing them a little messily, but they’re too busy chattering excitedly to notice how sloppy his movements are. once he gets to the end of the table, he has every intention to get their attention and ask if they’re ready to order, but the axe boy speaks to him before he can. he asks how ryan learned english.

“in school. but english is the only language me and my best friend have in common, so…”

“i get you. just wondering.”

“are you ready to order?”

the boy orders a rather lot of pancakes, then kindly asks ryan for some creamer, and ryan promises he’ll bring some by. it isn't the easiest thing, managing a table of 8 rambunctious americans who are all too eager to explore the city with their subpar italian language skills, but sharing irritable looks with natalie in the kitchen is enough

the axe guy engages ryan in conversation a few times, once using american slang that ryan has to ask him to repeat four times before he realizes it's a phrase he doesn't know. natalie catches him in the kitchen and asks him to bring a pitcher of water to her eight table, since she just seated another group of four in her section

he refills the teacher's glass and indulges in her conversation. his feet ache. he wants to fall onto his bed and not move for a minimum of 14 hours.

he refills water glasses at his own table while he's at it, but no one acknowledges him besides axe, who offers a kind smile. ryan notes that he's sort of hot--not usually the type ryan goes for, since axe seems to be a little punkish with all of his piercings and hair dye, but it's a nice smile nonetheless.

the two tables stick around for longer than just a meal, apparently discussing their itinerary for the day, so ryan mostly leaves them to themselves. then a black guy gestures ryan over and asks for more coffee, gesturing to axe, and axe offers another bright smile. as he's walking away, he hears axe say, “i’m pissed i missed the day you guys learned how to flirt in italian” and the black guy says, “you wouldn't have learned it anyways.”

a few minutes later, ryan returns with a corrected order for one of his americans that used the wrong word for something. he thinks axe is staring at him, but he doesn't look back. in the kitchen, natalie says, “the punk one wants to fuck you” and ryan rolls his eyes, because it's probably not true. if anything, he's just getting his first eyeful of an italian guy with a cute accent. he's got a hard-on for different, not ryan.

ryan’s eyes hurt and he can feel his feet lagging; he's worried he's going to trip. he also hasn't eaten and it's nearing noon, but he's hungry to the point of feeling like he might vomit.

he goes to refill the coffee at axe's coffee, absolutely wonderfully, gets woozy and has to catch himself on the edge of the table. his vision gets spotty.

someone asks if he's okay and he nods distractedly. then natalie’s at his back, shoving his shoulder and asking him how much he slept last night, and ryan forgets to lie. he slept for an hour. has he eaten? no.

natalie gives a long sigh, but ryan’s still finding his balance. “go to the kitchen and eat something,” natalie orders, and ryan gestures to his table pointedly. she glares at him and tells him she'll take over his table.

ryan shakes his head. “i need the money. i can't afford to give up a table.”

“you’ll get your tips,” she responds, nearly a growl. “go eat.”

so ryan does, after rolling his eyes and pointedly not meeting anyone's gaze on his way to the kitchen. because sabine, the owner of the restaurant, is a complete mom, she babies ryan and cooks him up french toast that he sullenly eats on the chopping block.

once, natalie drops by him in the kitchen with narrowed eyes, apparently wanting to see to it that he got food. then she goes to the coffee keg, fills a cup, and adds three sugars. the cup is set in front of ryan’s plate without a word.

however many minutes later—minutes in which sabine did not allow him back onto the floor and chefs continued to work around him—natalie returns with a stack of cash and two receipts. one says, “I hope you feel better!” and the other has a smiley face by a $20.00 tip.

“i’m taking this one to ari,” she says, tapping the large tip. “i just wanted you to see it.”

ryan nods and fiddles with the receipt that gives him well wishes. “thanks, natta.”

she lifts her chin, nothing if not regal. “you're welcome. stop fucking up your sleep cycle and i won't have to do it again.”

he thumbs through his tips, having to count five times before he gets a correct count, then he folds the receipt around the bills and pushes them into his pocket. when he folds the receipt, he sees writing on the napkin natalie included at the bottom of the stack.

I thought about leaving you my number but my phone isn't hooked up for international calls and also my best friend says it's “unbecoming” to ask my first waiter in Italy out. He's usually right so I'm trusting him. 

If that was a bad call though I do have Skype and my username is my name. And my name is Axe Harmon.

Really, I hope you feel better. Get some sleep

ryan folds it and unfolds it to survey it for more writing, then shoves it in his pocket.

later that night, natalie texts him and says, “the boy who left the napkin note asked about you, but i told him you were eating and he asked if he could leave you a note. you know my english reading is shit, so what did he say? i didn't see a phone number.”

ryan doesn't respond for an hour, then, because natalie is his sister and she did a good thing for him today, he sends her a complete translation of it in italian. natalie sends back a “hmmmm.”

the next day at work, natalie says, “you should talk to him. he seemed really concerned about you and seemed sweet.”

ryan doesn't know how to respond to her, so he doesn't. he asks dakota.

R: dakota you gotta help me

D: !! Hello my lizardous beauty I was jus thinkin bout u

R: what

R: anyways a guy left me a note the other day at work

--

dakota is a good friend, so eventually he convinces ryan to message axe because "u know ur going to anyway"

they sleep together because it's ryan and axe, what else are they gonna do. i didn't write that part but i did write the pillow talk because i know who i am:

afterwards, axe turns on his side to look at ryan. “that was nice,” he says.

“it was awesome,” ryan says.

“italian.”

“sorry,” ryan says, but he said that in italian on purpose. “i guess it was alright.”

axe reaches up and touches ryan’s mouth, tracing the curves and dips there. ryan turns on his side to face axe, too, and sighs when axe smiles brightly. “you’re so handsome,” axe says. “you’ve got a pretty flush going on.”

“blush?”

“flush,” axe says. “basically the same thing, though.”

ryan nods along and lets axe keep on tracing his features. it’s soothing in a way that almost makes ryan feel sleepy, but he knows axe’s free hours will end eventually, and it’s probably not smart to fall asleep around an american. they seem to be great at stealing things.

“i want to do this again.”

ryan opens his eyes and scowls. “what?”

he spoke in italian again, but axe smiles and says, “ancora.” his accent is terrible. he wiggles closer, kisses ryan’s jaw, and repeats himself. “ancora. per favore.”

ryan means to say, i don’t usually sleep with the same person twice. more than that, he means to say, sorry, i can’t. instead, he asks, “when?”

--

idk why these texts make me laugh but. here. of course ryan tells dakota EVERYTHING about the latest american in his bed including that they are going to meet up again soooooo

R: dakota

D: Yes?

D: Wait. Tonight was Axe night, wasn't it?

R: yes

R: he is sleeping in my bed is this allowed

D: shshsjjxjsjz

D: YES it's allowed unless he has a curfew

--

they decide they like hanging out together (read: fucking) but obviously can't hook up when it's daylight out

R: by the way, tomorrow is ok for me

R: but three feels early for sex

A: Oh true we can like hang out before if you want

A: There are like suggested itinerary for when we’re hanging out independently so we can do that if you’d like? I don’t know if it’d be boring for you though you’ve probably already been to all of these places

A: There is this one art museum like ten minutes away

R: yes, i know of it

A: Have you been?

R: no

A: Well I get in for free because it’s included in our tourist package so I’ll be a cheap date

-

R: [image] red alert

D: Clarify that it’s not a date

R: djhkjfhisjfihjtsdfjihdfjhlkdsjhlsjhirjeids

D: REALLY

D: YOU FUCKING PUNK ARE YOU KIDDING MEY OU WANT TO DATE IHIM

R: STOP I DONOT

R: BUT I.M NOT UPSET By HIM CALING IT A DATE

D: GAY

R: SHUT UP

--

and basically at the end of two weeks, ryan's fanning himself like a victorian woman and is fully swept off his feet. but like, in a scary way that makes his stomach hurt because obviously this american is going back to america, and none of the past two weeks have been "real" to him because he's on vacation. but hey, axe isn't gonna let anyone stew in their feelings. if he gets a SNIFF of romantic feelings towards him he's fucking IN

because why not they have their last night together which is very tender and full of being close and talking and watching tv. they smooch lots. then axe goes back to his hotel for curfew and texts ryan to ask if he'd be willing to drop by the airport around when they leave just to say bye one last time, and ryan agrees. axe gives ryan a necklace and ryan gives axe one of his keychains. axe says something like, "shit, man. you really got me." and "i'm going to be thinking about you for forever." they exchanged social media and everything of course, but different countries just ain't gonna happen ya know

wildly enough, there is a document where i wrote about ryan from depressing we're hooking up and i love you but you don't fucking care about me "friends with benefits" waking up in pancakes universe. and i went with that idea and continued to have various ryans wake up in pancakes universe because again, i did not give that man very many happy endings with axe. one day italian ryan wakes up in pancakes universe and pancakes axe is DELIGHTED to hear they are MARRIED and he is called a sweet italian PET NAME and they have a CAT who likes to sleep on their BALCONY in ITALY etc

so basically there's a happy ending for dumb italy eventually but i sure as shit didn't actually write it because i have to make ryan suffer

lmfao this was fully an inside joke with myself so i wrote ryan as a very subpar hockey player like the kind who gets sent down all the time cause he ain't worth it 💀 sorry but it's funny to imagine!! i followed hockey really closely for a while and one thing that's huge is having a nickname on the team, like every player usually has a nickname. i looked at ryan's last name and figured the most obvious pick would be "cheery" which was hilarious for its irony. i later added it into pancakes as a nod to this little universe

Pancakes reference: “Basically.” Paxton rolls off the bed a second later, walking towards the door and stopping by Ryan’s legs. “You got a movie preference, Ry-Rino?”

Ryan covers up his wince with a cough. Does he have a sign over his head that says “Please for the Love of God, Give Me a Nickname”? At least the ones from high school never stuck. Cola wasn’t so bad and Cheery was funny for its irony, but he thinks he’d die on the spot if anyone ever called him Diver again. “Whatever you guys want is fine. I have homework anyway.”

dakota's nickname is coco, and natalie's nickname on her team is also cheery. natalie is known as "the better cheery" amongst their teammates, friends, family, etc.

natalie is part of a women's hockey league and an out lesbian <3 she and all of her teammates absolutely ruin ryan when they train together in offseasons. he's literally not good

ryan and axe's stupid romance starts with axe thirsting over ryan on twitter because he's getting drunk at a sports bar with friends and he's like ice sport? i'm floridian? huh?? also i put ryan on the columbus blue jackets because i just wanted to make BJ jokes absolutely no other reason. and eventually the blue jackets do a silly little PR thing where they let dakota read some tweets to random players. to do so, he wakes ryan out of a dead nap and reads him one of axe's tweets saying something about how pretty his eyes are, and ryan's like, who the fuck are you, why are you like this, i am so tired, let me go back to sleep - typical ryan stuff

axe starts following hockey just a little even though he doesn't know what's going on because it seems like every time he watches a game, the blue jackets seem to do well. in particular, the player he tweets about (usually referring to him as "hottie") tends to have pretty alright games when he's watching. the blue jackets twitter team or whatever starts leaning into it one day when axe tweets something like "@cbj Tell #6 he has to get an assist because I'm watching" and then they reply to his tweet and they're like "we think he got the message!" when like 20 seconds later they get a goal off ryan's assist

ryan also has more personality in his pinkie toe than like every player in the league combined (i don't follow hockey as closely now, but back when i did so many of the players were dry and middle of the road as hell) so he tweets something like this: @cirino06: where’s the guy who watches and i always get a goal ? tell him to watch tonight so i don’t embarrass myself in front of my family, thanks and axe replies like "U got it" and ryan likes the tweet. silly things but we're here for a good time not a realistic time. also there is some shitty press and speculative stuff about players using pride tape for the one (1) game a year that it's expected on pride themed nights, and ryan gets annoyed and starts using rainbow tape during warmups for every game. then press does their annoying shit because i needed it for the plot and get all speculative and judgey and ryan gets Annoyed because the blue jackets team basically wants him to just say it's important in general and emphasize it's partly to show support for his sister.

later, ryan decides to come out to his teammates just because he doesn't really care. dakota already knew, obviously. another hockey thing is pregame rituals, and ryan and dakota's pregame ritual is a little smooch. i am only here to indulge myself

anyway ryan is a PR nightmare but he's funny. examples:

@cirino06: i might suck on the rush cause i’m always slow and tired

@evanohso: @cirino06 ...but?

@cirino06: @evanohso nothing that’s the whole tweet i’m watching some tape

--

@cirino06: the rumors are true i really did get healthy scratched for sleeping through breakfast. hate myself but that's showbiz baby

--

@cirino06: my life is one big embarrassment i was walking out of a store and someone waved so i was like oh a hockey fan but turns out their wife was behind me. just found out i’m a second-rate d-man who will never be a household name. not shocked and not upset

--

@cirino06: i just slept for 14 hours straight, i hate injuries but damn boi getting so much rest was sexy

@cirino06: why did it have to be my left wrist

@_Hails_34: @cirino06 You gotta use both wrists to shoot, so...

@cirino06: @_Hails_34 me you heaven above and everyone including my mom knows this tweet wasn’t about shooting a puck, hails

--

@AxeHarmon: @cirino06 I’m watching tonight, don’t break our streak

@cirino06: @AxeHarmon can you watch less games, i don’t have this much goal scoring ability

--

@cirino06: hockey is for everyone, ESPECIALLY for b team d-men who don’t know why the hell they’re still in the lineup

--

@cirino06: i don’t even own a blue jacket tbh

--

at one point, just for the sake of the story, ryan gets a nice clutch goal that helps them secure a playoff spot. it's one of those things he does maybe once a year, but guess who was watching when it happened!! after the game...

@cirino06: @AxeHarmon did u see me

@AxeHarmon: @cirino06 Ryan Cirino is elite

@cirino06: @AxeHarmon you’re the first and only person to ever say that

...and ryan adds it to his twitter bio...

cheery i guess @cirino06

hey what’s up cbj #6, professional hockey player, no idea how i got drafted but whatever i’m just chilling. look for the slow one on the ice, it’s me. “Ryan Cirino is elite” - @AxeHarmon

--

and eventually they start dming because axe is chill and easy to talk to. the horny section of ryan's brain is overdeveloped so he comes out to him eventually by linking axe to a video and saying "have you seen this interview? where my life literally flashes before my eyes after i realized what i said" and axe is like "I'm not trying to assume anything but are you coming out to meeeeeee" thus a true friendship was born. typical

ryan's tweets and the whole "axe is his good luck charm" thing is good for social media engagement so the blue jackets lean into it.

@cirino06: @AxeHarmon if i pay for your flight will u come to game 7 i’m like not even kidding

@AxeHarmon: @cirino06 Slide into my DMs and give me the deets

--

cheery: sorry for always tweeting you publicly cbj social media people say the fans like it so i should do it every so often

cheery: in all seriousness though you should definitely come if you don’t have work? they’ll probably give you some special treatment for all the hype so i guess expect a free jersey

cheery: no pressure though like im mostly joking

cheery: like not that i want to lose but the good luck charm thing is probably bullshit and just coincidence

Axe: No worries I’ll be there just to cover our bases!!

--

here's a little excerpt from a popular sports opinion writer blog or something after dakota and ryan both got a goal in a game. he's a dumbass but he's MY dumbass:

“I have no idea what just happened,” he told a reporter point-blankly when asked about the win. “I don’t even feel like that was me. I mean, the goal was basically an empty netter, so that’s believable, but — I guess there was some motivation here. Coco said he’d by me dinner if we won tonight.”

As Cirino’s fondness for free meals is known far and wide, the reporting staff shared a laugh. Cirino answered a few more questions, but he cut himself off halfway through and said, “I don’t even know what I’m saying. My mouth’s not working right now.”

In a league full of one-note men terrified to stand out, it’s always fun to watch Cirino’s progress as a hockey player. He’s not the best defenseman by far, a fact he knows well and isn’t scared to state aloud, but his show of personality lately has won a lot of fan’s hearts. It’s hard not to feel a little fond when you have a twenty-four-year-old man stuttering out half-sentences in front of you after an incredible win.

--

a tweet that dakota is told he's "not allowed" to post (stop censoring him!!!):

@Covington27: “The only thing I have in common with the playoffs is that I’m hard” - your illustrious third-pairing defenseman, Ryan Cirino

--

@bluejackets: Happy six year anniversary to @cirino06 and @Covington27! The pair talks about the first time they met, six years ago today. video

[Transcription:

R: Well, it was at World Juniors. I was on the roster for Team USA, but I was a healthy scratch of course, and Coco was…

D: Not scratched. Of course. And there for Canada, naturally, but Cheery came to watch us play anyway.

R, rolling his eyes: I was there to watch a number of players, not just him, but he likes to get a big head about it. I ran into him after the game when me and the other Team USA boys went to the same place to eat.

D: You followed me to the bathroom.

R: God, I—no, I didn’t, shut up, Coco. We just both happened to get up and walk there at the same time, but once I realized we were going the same way, I faked like I had a call so I wouldn’t have to have that weird moment in the bathroom with you, but you were taking forever and I was dying, like, I really had to go. So I went to the hall and Coco was just leaning against the wall all like, “Oh, important call?”

D: Oh, come on, I know when someone’s faking a call.

R: You made it weird.

D: Well, that’s what I do. We talked for about fifteen minutes, after Ryan went to the bathroom, of course, and we exchanged numbers. We were texting a lot before our draft year.

R: I guessed he was going to go sixth overall, and I was right.

D: He only guessed it because it’s his lucky number.

R: Yeah, well. Put me and you on the same team, so I wouldn’t call it unlucky.

D: Yeah, yeah.

Was it love at first sight?

R: Oh, absolutely not.

D: He hated me at first. He threatened to block my number a few times.

R: So annoying. He paid for AHL games just to text me and make fun of my play, like, he’d sit there and talk about the game live via text. It was ridiculous.

D: It kept him young.

R: Sure it did.

D: Plus, that’s how I make friends. I just annoy you until you love me.

R: Well, it worked. Obviously.]

--

they end up flunking out of the playoffs after a brutal loss in overtime. ryan instantly becomes tradebait. he's not part of the core, even if he's popular on social media, and everyone's convinced he held the blue jackets back during the playoffs save for a few lucky bounces. he gets sent to a newer team in indiana, the mustangs, and they're very progressive (the gm's daughter is a lesbian, the head coach is a woman, etc) and are willing to discuss ryan being open about his sexuality. his agent works out a lot of the details for him. in ryan's own words, here is why he doesn't care about the team making a Big Deal about his sexuality (this was a text to axe): "someone has to be the first, and it’ll hurt the league less if it’s a third pair defensemen who fell asleep during warmups once and has not one, but two own goals"

axe and ryan end up becoming roommates in indiana because work had been asking axe to transfer to a new branch blah blah whatever i made it up i just wanted them to live together!! they do their "i'm going to flirt with you in broad daylight but if you show any instance of actually taking action i immediately become shy and cannot look at you for 3 days" thing. it leads to situations like these...

ryan: i am messy

dakota: What did you do now?

ryan: i dont know

ryan: im stupiddd

ryan: we were both walking in the hallway and it's narrow so we went to whatever we got in each other's way and axe touched my hip and went around me and instead of letting him do that like a normal person i turned with him and grabbed his wrist so he didnt take his hand off me because i am as usual fuckibf desperate for casual touch and we both kind of paused and i realized it looked bad so i was jist like "oh one of the boys asked to come hang is that. alright" and axe was like "yeah of course we alrwady talked about that you never have to ask just give me a heads up when they're here so I don't walk around naked" 

ryan: and i was like right yeah. but instead said "you never walk around naked i would have noticed" and axe is such a fucking Flirt he literally tilted his head and did the Boy smile and was like "well ive gotta give ya something to look forward to" then headed for the kitchen and asked if i wanted spinach dip so now i am trembling over a plate of spinich dip and it isnt on my diet

dakota: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

but then of course Captain Communication has to come to ryan's bedroom and make sure he didn't make him uncomfortable, so here's that dialogue (it's axe, then ryan, and keeps alternating):

Axe: Hey, so. . .I don't want to make something of nothing, but I just want to be clear that you can always tell me if something I say goes too far or makes you uncomfortable. I'm a good listener and it's no trouble at all for me to adjust my behavior a little. You know, this is your home, your safe space, so if I ever start to make it feel stressful or weird I want to know.

Ryan: That's really sweet of you. I don't really know what to say. It wasn't uncomfortable. I mean, we've always kind of. . .

Flirted.

Yeah, and it's fine. I mean, it's fun.

Okay. I just wanted to check in on it.

Yeah. I mean, l good. So. . .

Which of the boys are coming over?

Uh, just Kirby. He wants to get out of the house.

Cool.

Okay.

Okay.

. . .Get off my bed.

Sure thing. Tempted?

Shut up. Go do your math homework.

and ryan's like THANK GOD i am going to some away games and will not see his face for 3 days

--

because it's convenient, the fans of the team embrace ryan pretty well in the new season and his new teammates do too. for one of ryan's milestone games (i.e. 300th game) that happens to fall on a pride night, a few of his teammates use specifically bi pride tape as a little birthday present to ryan. and though he's on the opposing team, dakota participates too. here's the press:

In the post-game scrum, he spoke on it: “Me and Cheery talk every day. He’s been my best friend for six years, and I think he’s pretty much stuck with me for now. One of the guys on his team asked me if Ryan would hate it if they did that, and I told them he’d be a little embarrassed, but he’d love it, too. They said I should do the same if I wanted to, and of course I did.”

in the background, dakota has been working up a trade to move to indiana with ryan as his contract closes out in columbus. life is boring without his best friend!! and since dakota is actually a good player, he can pick his poison in this case. he gets his trade to indiana eventually. <3

--

their first kiss in this au is sooo fucking embarrassing like ryan is more of a disaster than usual here's his panicked texts to dakota:

R: i am stupid

D: Christ. What now?

R: i kissed him

R: then. ran

D: WHAT

R: i wanna kms just

R: i was like i think im gonna head to bed and i was standing behind the couch so he reached back for like a fist bump or something idk but then i was closer than expected so he just wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me down for a hug and i panicked and kissed him kind of on accident i dont know it happened really fast and we both sort lf laughed after and i was just like okay well. night and he was totally normal and sweet about it i want to die

D: AJDJSJDF WHAT

R: i don't KNOW like i just kissed him but he kissed back so i was like okay??? and we just kissed for like maybe 10 seconds idk like nothing wild just like. normal

R: it felt normal idk

R: what the fuck it was fine in the moment but now im like. shaking hshdhdjd

D: HSHDJDJSJD

--

then from there on out they just start messing around because they're annoying and what else are they gonna do???

there was another hockey au where ryan was outed then they do the whole fake dating trope like this will be easier to swallow if you say you're with a long term partner rather than you've hooked up with like 20 dudes but that one was less fun and i didn't really develop it much. basically, ryan and axe had a well documented friendship, still dated in high school as described in "high school boyfs", and so he was an easy pick to just say their relationship had deepened over time.  here's some funny texts from that AU though:

R: also

A: ??

R: so earlier we mentioned maybe since we'd be seeing each other a lot anyway we could just hook up some or something 

A: Needing some stress relief?

R: god yeah

R: if that's okay

A: As long as you're not going to use sex as something like a payment method for what I'm doing as a friend, I'm down

R: oh yeah im too stupid sorry that didnt even cross my mind

R: i was gonna repay you with some pancakes and eventually a car or something

A: A fucking car???

R: cat* 

R: a cat

A: A FUCKING CAT??????!!!!! 

R: shut UP

this AU isn't mentioned in pancakes, but rather, a mention in pancakes led to this AU.

Pancakes reference: “Food science?” Breanna says.

Ryan catches some lettuce before it falls out of his mouth and says, “Yeah. It probably would be my major if I weren’t going the useless route with photography. I’m way too fucking stupid for it though. It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like: the science side of food. We had to learn all this stuff about food safety, use a little chemistry here and there. I used to have, like, every part of the nutrition label memorized, and I’d have to figure out all of those values. A big part of it was coming up with products based on a scenario and selling it to an audience.”

“That sounds really interesting.” The way Axe looks at Ryan says it might be the most fascinating thing he’s heard all year.

one day i thought to myself, what if ryan pursued that path regardless of being bad at chemistry? and i thought about how much of an unreliable narrator ryan is. upon first meeting axe, he almost always thinks he's grating, annoying, and fake nice. and i thought it would be funny to put them in a chemistry lab together. this was mostly a text AU. behold:

Ryan: dude there's this guy in my chemistry class who makes my fuckin blood boil like

Ryan: god he makes me so mad and ive only spoken to him like twice but hes so fucking annoying

Dakota: Tell me about him

R: okay his name is alexander like every other white guy on earth but i guess he's sooo special so when prof called roll the first day he was like "call me axe!" and one what a dumb fucking nickname two what the hell did you even get that from like. anyway

R: and like first day before we have labs on wednesdays axe or whatever who sat at the same table as me prof was like hey can i use you as an example and he was like YES like so overexcited like. hes just so loud and tries so hard its fucking annoying

R: he was just an example because he was wearing a lot of things out of lab dress code like holes in his jeans and a sleeveless shirt and piercings and stuff but the whole time he was being so annoying like turning for the teacher and being like yes im so hot check me out like. his ego is just gigantic and when he talks to anyone it's like this tone of "im being nice to you and i hope you realize im being nice and be really impressed by me for how nice i am being :)" you know like

R: its not genuine he's just like wow look at me i developed basic human decency

R: but anyway we just got out of our first lab and he was part of my group and he and the others were discussing their majors while i was just trying to take observations and get this shit done and he asked me mine and i said food science and he was so like over the top about being like wow that's SOOOO cool like

R: i dont know if he's just overly friendly or if he just wants people to like him but either way he was just. really annoying like once i replied short twice he didn't bother me again like. he wasn't being That kind of guy like pressing himself on me it was just super irritating and when we were leaving he held the door for me and was like have a nice day! like what 

R: like i know rwally there's nothing wrong with someone being nice its just so irritating like we get it you're white and probably have a job and a girlfriend you love stop rubbing it in my face

D: okay so

D: basically you're the grinch and he's christmas

R: yes that's exactly it just im justified in hating him because he's dead fucking annoying and has no volume control and is so chatty to everyone like can we finish the lab i want to go home

D: maybe you can sit somewhere else next time?

R: :/

R: but we're the only group that's all science majors so i feel like we all know what we're doing and we can do group labs so i dont wanna move and end up with art people who expect me, a science person but also the biggest dumbass in the room, to do the work

R: like

R: idk our group talked and they were like well im good at math so ill do the calculations and im a good writer so ill do the analysis stuff etc and i said id take the pictures and organize the final doc and do our sources and stuff bc that's fine

R: i mean it's just. 15 more weeks of him and his gigantic mouth ill get over it :/ hes just so annoying and doesn't stop talking but he said he'd do all the math always in the course so like. i need him

R: my dumbass aint doing math for no reason

D: lmfaoooooo

R: just god i hope he calms down he acts so spastic for no reason

D: maybe he will? he could just be the kind of person who likes new things so was all excited for the first week of classes

-

R: god im at lab early and that fucking guy is here i can hear him from around the corner because he's so loud and hes talking to someone about guitar because he plays it i guess like please fucking die every white man plays guitar!!!! 

R: and now i have to walk around the corner to go wait by my class because i dont want to look stupid just standing on the stairs

R: end it all @god

D: best of luck! tell him to fuck off if all else fails.

-

R: hi were on break. lowkey im mad because he's calm and actually bearable today like when i walked up the stairs he didn't even like make me talk he just smiled and waved then kept talking to another girl in our class then once we went in he asked me how my day was going and i said fine and he was like good and that was it and during the lab he didn't like. prompt me to talk unless i said something first and

R: ok i need ur opinion because i cant tell if he was lowkey getting fresh w me

R: like im about 100% sure he's straight so it's whatever but we were using the microscopes and then i went to step back from it because i couldn't get it to focus and he was like here ill try and i like stepped too close to him on accident and he grabbed my hip like. it would have been enough to just get out of my way

D: aldjsldkakf UR SO MEAN ABOUT HIM

R: LET ME BE MEAN HE'S SO IRRITATING U HAVEN'T HEARD HIS VOICE

R: i keep my headphones in before class but i hate-listen to his convos and hes literally just like yeah im a math major i play guitar and saxophone and harp and i minor in music i love cats  i go to a concert every week like. all of that as one sentence. he does not stop talking or breathe ever

D: i don't think he was being fresh with you though. his straightness aside i think it was just a reflex to try and steady you and you just aren't used to being touched in a casual context so it felt very forward

R: damn drag me

R: ur right just. i wanted another reason to hate him

R: he literally said he played saxophone like

R: Why

D: skdjakjdkskxksc

R: he is the worst man i've ever heard speak

-

D: did you decide to see dominic today??

R: yes and i fucking regret it im literally walking up the stairs to lab and i am. feeling it

R: im still like. tired cause my twenty minute nap with him didn't Hit like i wanted it to ashdjkskx

R: ive never napped with someone since like hs it wasn't too weird tho like. doms always more awkward than i am so

R: i can hear axe's voice i literally dont want to go upstairs id rather. die

D: sjdksjdkskf just go

-

R: okay

R: im trying not to show anything on my face as i tyoebths

R: i dont. think axe is straight anymore

R: i was wrong and i admit it

D: oh, christ. what happened?

R: he was standing outside class like normal but theres kinda a like. longish breezeway we have to walk down so i guess he saw me walking up and he like. 

R: idk its whatever but he just gave me the longest once over ever and said good afternoon to me and i was like hey and he was like nah i meant you look like you had a good afternoon and i was like. haha yeah

R: please kill me

R: like

R: he didn't Say anything but i know i am walking like i just took dick. i can admit that

R: like he didnt sound judgmental like very. it was just weird like what are you congratulating me on the sex?? are u trying to show ur surprised i take it up the ass??? what are u trying to say

R: please kill me i went to check your snapchat and front facing camera was on and my face is kinda red idk why im so embarrassed literally dont care what this guy thinks of me

R: i guess this doesnt mean he's gay or anything like he could just know what gay guys look like after they get plowed

D: that is the most hilarious text ive ever read but its tru

R: fuck okay lab is starting brb

-

R: okay. i think i have some tea

R: not really but kinda i was listening in on axe and my lab groups convo and they were all talking about their favorite bands and someone mentioned one and axe was like oh they're good! and she was like oh do you listen to them?? and he was like nah but they were my ex's favorite so i know a lot of their stuff

R: hes got an ex so someone out there found him bearable enough to date which is baffling

D: you hate him so much u consider the existence of an ex "tea"

R: im literally recording his voice for u next time

-

R: [audio file] you'll know which one he is

D: i think we have different taste in men/voices because i find his voice super soothing and sweet

R: pls call claudia and set an early appointment 

D: wldjslfkkrg shut up

D: take a pic of him

R: No

D: whats his last name

R: idk honestly i always send the lab to this girl laura because every lab group had to pick one person who would always send in the lab so she adds everyone's names and sends it in and i dont care enough to ask prof for the roster to see the Alexander's

-

R: dude im. i literally am so mad i feel hot all over i fucking HATE this guy

D: what happened?

R: we started the lab like normal which is me and one girl read the instructions together and axe gets materials and the other girl takes all our notes for the lab like we all have a job and axe came back to the table with a bunch of shit in his hands so i took the bin of chemical jars and sat it down on the table bc idk i was trying to be fuckin nice and he was like "thanks for your help" and like dude seriously we all have our jobs like 

R: like the tone he said it in was really nice to where u can tell he was being sarcastic like "it would have been nice if you were helping with materials in the first place" bc usually if we read the lab and there's a lot of materials one of us goes and helps him

R: like yeah i could have helped i get it but ever since then he's like not talking to me not that i want him to but hes being so pointed about it like. for real are you serious

R: i think what makes me so mad about him is hes a dick but he acts like he isn't because he says things in a nice voice and never says anything outwardly mean but hes so fucking arrogant and rude like that like

R: if you wanted help you could have asked instead of passive aggressively carrying too many boxes then being sarcastic when i helped

-- narrator's voice: he was not being passive aggressive. ryan is prickly --

D: that sounds like such a nonissue like. why is he like that

R: right

R: like sorry i didn't realize prof was giving us huge bins of chemicals and not just small samples

R: break is over brb

-

R: hi welcome to another week of i want to kill axe

D: akdjsldkslf what now

R: nothing just before lab everyone was chatting and then someone pointed out axe still had his lip and eyebrow piercing in and he was like ah fuck thanks and took them out really quick and someone was like "how many piercings do you have" so he listed them then was like "and 46 tattoos counting all the tiny ones" like we get it… youre so hardcore i bet you listen to mcr

D: 46 tattoos is he okay

R: no he fucking isn't im so tired of him everything he says makes me so mad and he talks so loud and i'm just so. tired

R: like someone just asked if he has any tattoos that really mean something to him and he showed everyone i refused to look bc then itd prove im not playing anything in my heapdhones. but he said he got one for his aunt because she always calls him "kiddo" and apparently its in her handwriting so everyone is fucking desperately grabbing their crotches because man respects woman in his life???? WOW! 

D: at least he doesn't have the mom in a heart tattoo

R: hes literally just so annoying like you can tell he thinks he's a super interesting cool person 

R: and also im just mad because hes really fucking good at chemistry and just understands it and natalies been helping me and everything and im still so confused like i try to read the textbook i just dont retain and he seems like he hardly tries and hes getting great grades on everything like okay cool

D: comparison isn't usually a good idea, but i understand. he might have taken other chem classes before or he's just good at bullshitting. stay on your track and don't worry about it.

R: i know you're right just hes so loud and everyone literally loves him like

R: its like no one else can see hes a fucking Dick

D: sometimes people are easily fooled. you see through it and that's where you win

R: yeah i guess so

-- (easily some of the funniest texts i've ever written imo below) --

R: good news and bad news

R: axe is bi

D: what's the bad news?

R: that was the bad news

D: then what's the good news

R: it was also the good news

R: i hate him but it's kind of cool to be around other lgbt people ofc

D: how did this come up?

R: oh i wore my indy pride t shirt bc idk yeehaw bi visibility day or whatever

R: and axe saw it and like i dont want to even say this bc ur going to have a field day but he smiled really big and it was cute and he was like "hey, wearing that for bi visibility day or something?" and im so funny so i said "yeah you fucking know it" and he laughed really hard so i feel slightly less the grinch abt him

R: but he held out his fist to bump and he was wearing a bi pride bracelet and was like "same dude" and so of course out of. bisexuality i had to bump him back but

R: it wasnt the worst thing like i hate him less now that i know hes bi him being obnoxious feels more valid now

D: sjajdjkskckakc if only he knew all it'd take to make you warm to him was coming out

R: stop i still fucking hate him but like idk he's bi so you know

R: just feels nice or whatever

D: i know what you mean!!! its just 💕❤️💞💕💞❤️

-

R: i want to die

R: okay lab was actually super fucking fun and interesting today we burned some shit but axe was like idk being. annoying but some of it was cute i want to die

R: like he made a bi joke and smiled super big when i rolled my eyes okay die

R: and then right after class we were walking down the stairs at the same time and he was like "hey in all seriousness, just wanna say it's cool as usual to run into someone who's out and bi and just in case no ones said it to ya in a while im proud of you" and i was like "thanks" but standoffish because it was kind of extra but kind of nice too

R: like i could tell he was just trying to be nice not like fake nice please like me but he was being serious and i it was kind of stupid but like he meant well i guess

D: that's sweet of him. not necessary and sort of obnoxious, but sweet.

-

R: oh my fucking god 

R: i literally cant make this up anymore axe is literally just this kind of person we were waiting for lab and he got a facetime call thing and i dont know who it was but the first thing they said so fucking loud and drunk as hell was "HIIIII HOW ARE YOU" and he was like "hi im just waiting for class why are you so drunk at 7 pm please drink water beautiful" and. whoever it was just said "i was dared to call the guy in my phone who gave the best head" and so now of course i am 100% fucking tuned in run that shit back and turn it up

D: SKDJALCJOELAKDKAJFSF

R: SHUT UP

R: AXE WAS SO DUMB ABOUT IT HE LIKE CLUTCHED HIS CHEST AND WAS LIKE "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME AND MY DICK AND MY EGO" LIKE AJFKSJDKSKCKWIRKSC HE LITERALLY HAD THIS CONVO OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND EVERYONE WAS LAUGJING LIKE I WANT TO HATE HIM FOR IT SO BAD BUT ITS GENUINELY JUST. HILARIOUS

R: then their convo was boring because axe was like im in public let's be less… ourselves… 

R: and he hung up and was like "sorry guys my ex is really drunk in europe" and someone was like "well we've all been there" sarcastically lmfao

R: he was so like. idk people made fun of him and axe just like laughed it off lime

R: idk whatever hows your day

D: i want to revisit how axe apparently gives the best head

R: yeah im not too surprised his mouth is really big

R: not that ive looked

R: :/

D: 😭😭😭

-

R: ur gonna laugh

D: oh, god. it's a lab day. please tell me everything axe has done to piss you off today.

R: he fucking flirted with me and i literally chubbed up about it

D: SDGJSAG SAY SIKE

R: shut up it was so

R: like he was just okay first he just stood by me to help with a chemical thing which was super innocent but then he was like "dude your hair smells so good" and i was like uh. thanks i used my rich friends shampoo ahdjskkf because i used the shampoo you left here and that was whatever but then like when we were doing the lab we had to pass beakers back and forth and our hands kept brushing and we made eye contact a few times it was kind of stupid like. were adults but whatever and then like

R: i dont even want to type this

R: im so tired of how much of a slut i am

D: skdbksjciekakxc TELL ME

R: me and axe went to this one station to grab some of the different solutions and our shoulders were touching and he kind of leaned into me and i leaned back because like whatever! he's lowkey cute even if hes annoying and i know he's bisexual and im literally just. a slut so

R: but yeah i leaned into him and he just smiled to himself which was super annoying but then he was like "hey" all fucking gentle like why the fuck so i said "what" and he stopped what he was doing and turned and looked at my face for a second then was like "are we grown enough where i can tell you i think you're hot or should i keep flirting until you get the hint" and first of all. my dick is hard

D: SJKDKSUDKWKXKWKX

R: like idk his tone when he said it was so casual it took me a sec to process it but i was like "you could try both to cover your bases" and he just smiled and was like "so you don't mind me coming onto you" and i was like "you'd know if i minded" and he just kinda hummed along and finished getting what we needed but like

R: for the rest of the fucking lab he wasn't all over me it was just he kept doing subtle things like catching my eye then holding on purpose for a second before looking away and when we were leaving we were walking down the stairs at the same time and i literally cant tell you why but he just started laughing and i did too and it was so weird and i dont know why but he was just like have a nice weekend, see ya monday and i was like yeah see ya like. what

R: my god

R: this day literally didn't feel real

R: ???????? why do i always let my dick win im trying to tell him axe is probably so annoying in bed but he just doesn't care

D: akdjaldkskx

R: i got here earlier than axe for the first time the sweet bliss of not hearing his voice

D: akdkdkf shut up you know you're about to flirt or be disappointed if he doesn't immediately come onto you

R: i will be disappointed i actually did my hair today not for him but. my dick said i need to

R: :/

D: LMFAO

D: UR SO DUMB

-

R: hhhaaha shhhshd DAKORA

D: what did u do

R: i literally dont know why i just let that happen shdjdhhhhs

R: like

R: we were leaving class and talking and axe kind of brushed against me and i was like "what do you want" like kinda teasing bc like the whole lab he was like. flirting again and he was like "that's a loaded question" like. shut up i. but i didn't know what to say, but we started walking towards the parking garage and it was so quiet and tense like. literally the same atmosphere when im waiting in the elevator w someone to go to their apartment and fuck. ajjdkskdkdkdkkx

R: but we were just quiet then like for literally no reason the second we stepped in the parking garage axe was like "dude like no joke can i kiss you" and i was like  ???

R: like first of all why ask to kiss me djdjdjd obviously ive been flirting back but second of all i didnt know what to say so i just sounded really stupid and said "yeah i guess" and he was like "no pressure like. i know we flirt but you don't owe me anything" and like

R: why are u nice. But also please choke me 

D: EIEKKSJDKSKXLAKDKSKCKI2JDKENCKAMC

D: RYAN

R: im SORRY he just gets such a reaction because i went from hate to i wanna fuck him so fast ghhshdhd

R: but anyway parking garage just wasnt setting the mood and backpacks like. it was just weird so i was like "oh well in that case" and just started walking to my car and he was like "ryan" like. laughing because he gets my humor i guess and anyway we made out against my car like. for what and he was like "this is fun like. i havent made out at school in forever but it's less fun now that i know too much about making out like. alone at home" and i was like yeah i know and he kissed me super quick then was like "we'll do that again off campus sometime but you're making me late to work so bye" and like it didnt even feel real so i was just like haha yeah bye but like. what

R: like. What

D: u made out

R: yeah

D: against your car

R: :/

D: i love this 90s movie scenario

R: shut Up jsjhhdf

R: im kinda. swooning

D: KDJDKSKFKDKF

R: NOT REALLY just like the feeling of a guy pressing you against a car and then he was a good kisser and it lasted literally like 2 minutes then he was like ok bye and i was still. processing how good of a kisser he was

R: like he was like. He was really good

R: like

R: wow some men really know how to put a lot into a 2 minute make out session huh

R: i literally wish i weren't so like. fucked in the head about this but that lowkey blew my mind please shut up i can hear you cackling from across the river

D: this is the best ending to your intense hatred for Loud Guy In Chemistry

D: turns out… you two…

R: no

D: had chemistry

R: DIE

-

then they start being college hornies :((( less fun but there's a few funny texts

-

R: hi

R: what do i do if ive had sex with someone four times and the sex isn't bad or embarrassing yet

D: Run

D: Cry

D: Seek therapy

R: what if he just asked me to have sex tonight and im available :/

D: sgsghdhf

D: why hold back

D: seems like you two are on the same page and having fun

R: ur so fucking real thank u

D: anytime, slut

-

A: Hey

A: I hope you read that as heyyyyy bc that's how I meant it

A: I’m leaving a party and your apartment is on the way, you busy?

R: lmao

R: no im not busy how long tho

A: I can keep mingling if you need some time

R: just gonna shower

R: maybe 20 minutes?

A: Sure

R: text me when youre here

-

A: Here

-

R: you left your jacket

A: Whoops I'll grab it next time

R: as if im gonna have sex with you again after you confessed you did band in high school

A: And middle school :)

R: ugh gross

-

A: Hi, very fine man who says he's not going to have sex with me again. Will you have sex with me again because I miss your ass

R: oh my god

R: this showed up on my fucking screen when i was showing my sister something

A: Sorry :/

A: I had one shot and got immediately horny

R: im busy tonight

R: well not really

R: my best friend and sister have just decided to be at my apartment

A: No worries, I'll get through the night alone. Blow a kiss to your ass for me

R: shhdhdf shut up

-

R: hi

A: Texting me before 3pm is crazy

R: shut the fuck up lmfao

R: im trying to plan my night

-

on and on until they eventually fall in love of course. dakota is right..........they had chemistry............. </3

look, i have no experience with polyamory or open relationships in real life so i can't say how they work. but i can say that in a few cases, axe, ryan, and dakota were Saying Something to me. there are little references in pancakes. these aren't in order because i just looked up the ot3-ish scenes i remembered with ctrl+f.

Pancakes references:

1. Axe says his goodbyes again, but Ryan doesn’t muster anything beyond a nod. He meets Axe’s eyes on accident when Axe leans down to give Dakota a standard goodbye kiss, and their eyes find other places to settle in the space of a heartbeat, but Ryan still feels his nerves light up. It wasn’t a “I wish I were kissing you instead” because that’s not how Axe is, and that’s not how either of them are with Dakota. If the glance meant anything at all, it was probably “I wish I were kissing you both.” Which would sound really weird to anyone besides the three of them.

2. Enraptured and not without a dangerous spark of jealousy, Ryan tracks the way Axe leans down to accept the smoke Dakota blows out for him. He isn’t proud of the heat that unfurls in his chest, winding its way down to his stomach and a bit lower.
   
   Ryan forces himself to fall back on the bed and says, “Stop being hot.” Only Axe laughs, and every bit of the smoke Dakota gave him gusts out of his mouth. 

3. Ryan and Axe share a laugh, and Ryan watches on as Axe touches a few fingertips to Dakota’s reddened cheek. “You always blush so hard,” he says, and the tenderness in his voice nearly makes Ryan go red.
   
   Dakota doesn’t seem to be having any of it. He bats Axe’s hand away, flops back into his seat with a huff, and narrows his eyes when Axe sends him an indulgent grin.
   
   “You put that away, Harmon,” Dakota says darkly.
   
   Instead, Axe giggles, which only makes his smile brighter and more lethal in Ryan’s opinion. The way Dakota said it, though . . . Ryan can’t help but feel like they’re referencing something.
   
   Axe must catch his expression because he clues Ryan in without a prompt. “He’s got a thing for my smile.” Ryan sees him make a conscious effort to tamp down on it. “Or, well, a certain smile I have.”

4. Axe gives a little cheer and bounces up off the floor with so much energy he almost topples over. Dakota has to rush to steady him, and the adoration on Axe’s face is deafening even if he doesn’t utter a word. Ryan ends up strung between Dakota and Axe more often than not, but he’s just as startled by the vehemence as everyone else. “Thank you, angel face. You are so sweet.”

so first and foremost, axe and dakota met before axe and ryan. there was a night natalie invited axe, breanna, reema, and dakota to the movies, and that was how axe and dakota were introduced to one another. they had a nice conversation about music and dancing and eventually exchanged numbers. a week or so later, axe was planning to go out to a bar with tyler and paxton, so he invited natalie and kenzie (who both lovingly rejected him). finally, he texted dakota to see if he'd be interested. dakota agreed and met up with axe and his friends. they chat some more and dance together (or, more accurately, dakota dances on and around axe), and somewhere in there dakota makes it clear that he likes axe as a friend and isn't interested in dating. axe never really had such intentions in the first place so they move on from it pretty quickly, but axe accepting it easily and still indulging dakota's love for dancing while respecting his boundaries is nice. when axe talks to someone, he gives them his full attention. dakota loves that.

in his first therapy session following that night out with axe and his friends, dakota talks about axe and starts crying. he doesn't exactly know why he cries, so claudia helps him unpack it a little. in pancakes, dakota mentions someone named rian (or ryan with an i) who is dead. that person is a past friend who was not good to dakota and manipulated him emotionally and sexually, and also nonconsensually fed him drugs, but we'll skip the deets of that. for now, just know that the reason dakota hung around rian for so long is because he loved having his attention. here's a quote from dakota's therapy session with claudia about axe, "his attention was intoxicating... like with rian. i felt like i'd do anything if he just kept looking at me. and I think I realize that might not be a bad thing. it was just a bad thing with the wrong person."

in that therapy session, dakota mentions that he's kind of interested in sleeping with axe just to see how it goes. he tells claudia, "it was almost healing to be near him" and "i just felt like the longer i was there, in his radius, i was better."

claudia told him, "but this is a person you don't know well yet. could it be that he just made you feel valid and safe, and the betterness was you alone?"

dakota: "maybe."

claudia: "you sound doubtful."

dakota: "he was different."

claudia: "i believe you. but let's take care not to put him on a pedestal. he is human, and he makes mistakes too."

dakota: "yes, logically, i know that's true... i'm still not sure why i cried."

claudia: "take some time to think about it. give me your best guess."

dakota: "...i think i felt relieved."

claudia: "relieved?"

dakota: "that i could be around someone, and feel that way, but it didn't have to be rian. and i didn't have to be drugged."

and henceforth, axe is a "safe person" for dakota. they get lunch here and there as friends. dakota takes him to a jazz bar and pays the expensive cover fee, just because he knows axe likes jazz. they support one another's interests. to dakota, axe is a guiding light of sorts. dakota looks up to him, admires him, and plainly just likes being around him.

another sidenote about dakota's backstory. rian was about ten years older than dakota, and he encouraged dakota to engage in bdsm with him that was not safe/sane/consensual. axe is a soft kind service dom, so what's dakota supposed to do about that???????? he's into it. that "smile" he has a thing for? it's basically dakota's wet dream of an indulgent dominant partner's smile. he wants axe to tell him what to do in a general way but also in a sex way probably

post-pancakes, axe and ryan obviously discuss dakota. axe tells ryan he doesn't care if they still kiss or "whatever else." ryan is very curious what axe means by "whatever else." so then he basically gets a free pass to do whatever with dakota as friends because they communicate a lot through physical touch, and axe doesn't have any problem with that. he understands that intimacy looks different for dakota and he's supportive. there is eventually three-quarters of a buddies handjob between dakota and ryan. dakota's handjob game is absolutely elite. ryan cuts it off before he finishes then panic texts axe in the bathroom and axe is like "why are you panicking send me a pic is he blushing." canonically, dakota watches them make out sometimes especially if they've all been drinking. they're just a little freaky basically

have some texts that i think are sweet and accurately explains their dynamic (many will disagree which is valid):

Dakota sent $20 for Today.

A: We paid separate you don't owe me money!!

D: Just take it. Put it in the ice coffee fund. Buy something nice for your cats or Paxton or Tyler or Ryan.

A: What are you doing angelface

D: :( stop just take it

A: I'll let it slide without a conversation this time

-

Dakota sent $15 for Holding me.

D: don't ask just take it

A: Asking

A: What's with the sending me money thing, like you have to pay me for holding you and I didn't want to cuddle in the first place

D: :(((

A: Use your words

-

A: Dakota

D: stoppppp 🥺 just let me

A: Noooo

-

A: [screenshot] Alright Ryan weigh in

R: sugar daddy but reverse because dakota's sub so he's the sugar baby but he's paying my boyfriend for his services as a sugar support system

R: i have no fucking idea what i just typed

A: Bro 😭

A: Sugar support system is kind of real tho I think that's what's up

R: he's sweet

A: Yeah the sweetest

-

and some other post-pancakes sillyness:

A: Hey I'm here

R: i was just going to get us a glass of water and

R: [picture of Dakota passed out on the air mattress] apparently someone stayed the night

A: Usually I'm soooo happy to see Dakota but I really want to have sex

R: you still can he left me a note saying he got in late and he'll choke me in a not fun way if i wake him before noon

R: well just be quiet

R: could be kinda fun

A: I'm walking up bye

R: WAIT

-

D: Good morning, group chat. I'm 97% sure Axe and Ryan are having sex not even five feet from me.

D: Oh, that was indisputable evidence. I'm 100% sure.

N: Why are they so gross

D: They seem to be having a great time. They laugh a lot. It's sweet.

Re: omg ur not gonna tell them u can hear

D: They chose to have sex knowing full well I'm sleeping in Ryan's living room

Re: okay fair

-

THEN of course from there, i could spin off in a thousand different directions of them actually doing relationship negotiations and being serious about it, but i'll spare any deets. just know that it was a thought. in terms of axe and ryan together, dakota loves their love. he loves being around it, hearing about it, and knowing that kind of love exists, even if he doesn't want it himself. he feels similarly about breanna and reema. the only difference is he gets to kiss both members of the axe-and-ryan relationship semi-frequently.

one last thing. here's what dakota wrote in axe's birthday card, probably around year 2 of them knowing each other.

Axe - 

I bought you this card online and ordered 7 of them, not because there was a minimum requirement, but because I knew I would start, and mess up, and have to fix it. I even wrote it on paper first then started copying it down, but then I said something I wanted to take back. This is card six, and I figure it's the one I will give you no matter what I say.

You are special to me. I know you know that, but I know you love hearing it, too. I love you. I love knowing I never have to do more than send a text or place a call, or sometimes just look up, and there you are. You don't always say the right thing, but that's okay. If you're there I already feel better than I did when you weren't. I already feel better, quieter, more contained. You stand near me, and I feel like I can handle anything. I never know how to thank you for that feeling. Sure, you know how to cheer a man up, but the feeling of    the way it seems when you   "I trust you to handle yourself, and I know you can. But if you can't, I can." That's how it feels.

Thank you for every day you stay close to me. Thank you for your patience, when it's all I can do to manage one word about the cause of my panic attack. Thank you for sharing your compliments and your heart so freely. Thank you for understanding my relationship with Ryan. Thank you for always treating me the same.

I read something before that said a wonderful thing about pets is you come home at the end of the day, and they don't care what mistakes you made or what you said or didn't do but should have, they only care that you're home, and safe, and now they get to spend time with you. I know the analogy doesn't quite fit. I know, if anything, I'm your pet; you aren't mine. But you give me that feeling--the unconditional one, where no matter what I do wrong that day, I can come to you, and you will always be seeing the best version of me. As someone who struggles with PTSD and anxiety, someone who tries desperately to draw a line between present and past versions of me, it means the world to know I will always have someone I can go to who doesn't see any of that. You always see what I want to be because you know that's what I will be. And I can't thank you enough for believing in me like that.

You don't even have to try, you know. I know I'm pointing things out, but please don't change. I know you aren't perfect. I know you're only human. Just knowing people like you exist helps. 

I cannot explain the instant ease you bring with you, and how wonderful it makes me feel just to be near you. I cannot believe how difficult it is to write my thoughts for you. It all makes sense in my head when I'm in front of you, but it doesn't on paper. I guess it wouldn't. You're pure comfort. Noise-cancelling headphones. Cashmere in winter.

Stay around. I love you. Thank you for letting me stay close to you and borrow some of your light. I will always treasure the lessons you have taught me.

Yours, 

Dakota

he very formally, very dearly, loves and treasures axe and ryan. the devotion comes from a place of trauma for sure. that's all