On the plane to Melbourne, I sat by a man who described it as combining the worst aspects of British weather, Victorian morality, and Tokyo traffic. It is true that the weather often runs the gamut of changes in the course of a day, and by contrast with Adelaide's blue sea, the water in Port Phillip Bay slops around greyly, but Melbourne, like Manchester, is much maligned. All over the world there is a belief that Mancurians live beneath a ceaseless drizzle, and the legend of Melbourne's weather is almost as widespread. It was interesting to find that hoary old jokes about Manchester have migrated to Australia and are told about Melbourne. The Yarra River is also the subject of local witticisms. It is described as the only "upside down" river - having its mud on top, and as being "too thick to swim in but too thin to plough."
Collins Street, seen first on a tranquil Sunday evening as the church bells were sonorously calling the faithful to prayer, conveyed an impression of calm dignity. The following morning the traffic transformed the street into a bedlam, but at the top, "Paris" end, where cafe tables out on the pavement are shaded by the trees, I enjoyed a coffee-break enlivened by a tall, gaunt and unshaven man at the next table.
Having finished his drink he stood to attention, then, without bending his knees, demonstrated that he could place his cup and saucer flat on the ground. Again standing rigidly to attention, he recited a tea "commercial" which I had been unfortunate enough to see on television the previous evening. He mimed with dreadful accuracy the mincing tones of the lady, though the striking contrast between the smooth, silly words and his mad appearance, distinctly added impact to the advertisement. The tea commercial was followed by two for cigarettes and two for soft drinks, and in all of them he seemed word-perfect.
As a waitress tried to get rid of him, he repeated his trick with the cup and saucer, this time accidentally dropping a half cigarette from his shirt pocket into the tea dregs. Before leaving he retrieved it and put it, sopping wet, back in his pocket. I was left to speculate on whether T.V. adverts had driven him out of his mind, or whether, because he was out of his mind, he enjoyed reciting them.