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THIS IS STU NEWS. BRINGING YOU THE BEST NEWS YOU'LL NEVER USE SINCE 2011. NOW IN CAPS!

Satirical news just like "The Onion," only worse. - Powered by Grammarly!

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Adam Goldberg Mauled by a Lion While at a Theme Park
Tsavo, Kenya (Biko Express Daily Wipe)
4/6/2026

For the second time in 20 years, Adam Goldberg (55) was mauled at the Fart Fontinelle Park in Ballsach this weekend. The first incident, as you may remember, occurred sometime around 1999 when Roller Coaster Tycoon was released. Witnesses to the incident included a kid who just happened to be there. He looked like that dorky kid in Radio Flyer. The older kid. Anyway, the incident happened around 2:30 PM Saturday as Goldberg had just stepped off the Decapitator, one of the roller coasters at the park. It is unknown where the lion came from. It may have come from a village outside of town, where, historically, random people were hunted by the lions until Michael Douglas showed up and then got eaten. Actor Val Kilmer, who passed away in 2025, was known to hunt lions that killed people in the area in the early 1990s. The eyewitness kid was joined by a limo driver who looked like Random Task in Austin Powers. Both said that Adam started acting like his character dying in Saving Private Ryan as the lion tore into him. It became very graphic. The incident happened near the Hessian Pass Monorail, which, at the time, had no people in line since they weren't paying that much and wanted to go on something more thrilling. Goldberg survived the attack, similar to surviving it in 1999. The kid present said he would have nightmares any time he played Roller Coaster Tycoon from then on. Roller Coaster Tycoon can now be played on modern computers by purchasing it on Steam and downloading "OpenRCT2". "It makes the game more fun and adds more rides, like the ball scrambler and more shing coasters," said Park Manager Who Hah Zulu. Goldberg's representatives declined to comment to the Biko Express, other than releasing a statement wishing he would be in movies again.

Idiot Alert: President Says the F Word on Easter Sunday
Washington D.C. (Truthless Social)
4/5/2026
Easter Sunday is supposed to be about the resurrection of Christ (which apparently was witnessed by 5 bazillion people, and then written about 20-something years later); however, President Cheetolini had something else to say. In an explicative-laden post on Truthless Social, Cheetolini's money laundering app for gullible MAGA idiots, Cheetolini warned Iran that they better give back the golden toilet they stole from the White House when Obama was president. "Open the F-ing Dire Straits", the post reads. It's unclear what Cheetolini was referring to. Sources closer to the edge by Yes indicate it may have something to do with the 1980s band famous for their song "Money For Nothing". Mark Knopfler could not be reached for comment, but his press secretary did release a statement: "Why worry, there should be laughter after pain, there should be sunshine after rain, these things have always been the same, so why worry now?" Meanwhile, Nosferatu Miller and his ugly-as-fuck wife were seen taking a dump on the White House East Wing where Cheetolini is building a golden schlong statute for himself in the shape of a mushroom. Many people on social media were pissed off that Cheetolini used the F word, but some diehard MAGA morons said, "I voted for that". Others called for Vance (Couchfucker) and the rest of the cabinet to invoke the 25th amendment, because the rest of us with eyes can see Cheetolini is sundowning, and hopefully leaves this mortal coil soon. We can only hope.

Morons on Threads Amazed That Earth Isn't Flat
Houston, Texas (Unofficial NASA Press Release)
4/4/2026
With the successful liftoff and trans-lunar injection orbits complete, the world is getting another look at itself through the eyes of a stranger. Whoa, you'll be living in danger. Not since the early 1970s has humanity traveled this far from Earth; however, there still seems to be a lack of education. This is mostly prevalent in the United States and skews in favor of people who voted for Trump. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of thousands of scientists and engineers, there are still morons on Threads who think: 1) the original moon landings didn't happen, 2) every image Artemis sends back of Earth is AI, 3) The astronauts are not really up there, 4) NASA means to deceive in Hebrew (it doesn't), and 5), that Earth is flat. Despite mountains of evidence, the attention whores over on Threads have decided now is the time to show the world how fucking stupid they are. "This is damning," says NASA spokesperson Wah Wahbertson. "Once again, the education system in this country is a damn joke to these morons on Threads, and despite direct evidence that we're actually on our way to the moon, they still can't believe what they saw with their real eyes". Wahbertson said that thousands of people witnessed the Artemis craft lift off from the pad at Cape Canaveral. Despite some hiccups with the Canadian astronaut clogging the toilet, everything is going peachy otherwise. The craft is scheduled to return to Earth soon after flying farther out from the moon than any craft has before. NASA has also worked out some kinks with the onboard live stream to TikTok, as some users there have questioned its reality. It doesn't help that Ryan Gosling is currently farting in a spaceship on his way to save Earth because some dingleberries between Venus and the Sun have threatened the sun's existence. Gosling decided it was best to live with a rock instead of going back to Earth, because why the hell would anyone want to return to this shit hole?

Big Jim Dies - Community Mourns By Blasting Genesis' ... and Then There Were Three.
Cornholio, Texas (BongoButt Liberal Herald)
3/21/1886

Monday, it was reported that Big Jim died with his boots on next to his men. He climbed up a burning rope to escape the fight below. The situation happened at a saloon, when Big Jim placed a bet with local Rancher Small Richard to see who had the bigger shlong. Actually, it had something to do with a herd, but only the bartender knows. He's that guy who recently passed that was in Back to the Future, because literally every bartender in the Old West was THAT GUY. RIP. Anyway, the bet was over a herd of Muffleblow, not a dick measuring contest. Small Richard called him yellow, and it caused Big Jim to throw his badge down, and made him mad. Anyway, he pussed out from whatever he was going to do and left the saloon. Witnesses said a lady who looked like Maureen O'Hara told Big Jim, "Good luck". "Hell, I don't need it," he said. After that, he got on his horse and rode away. Big Jim must have won the bet, because this story gets as confusing as a Genesis song. Over the trail, he led the Muffleblow through the crappy weather. I don't think he'll try that again. His horses were spooked by Natives on the warpath, six gun at my side, chewin' my tobacca. Big Jim was scared. He was then killed by a scary Pawnee Indian, who looked like that guy in Dances With Wolves. Anyway, he died with his boots on, next to the rest of his men. He will be laid to rest in a Snowbound Undertow on Sunday. Rumors have floated that Jim is still alive. Maybe he's a ghost. Scenes from a night's dream, or something.

Stu News Returns (Now in Open Sans)
Recluse, Wyoming
3/21/2026

Well, you sum'bitches, we're back! Now that we're on a new platform that can actually be edited without turning on a 2010 Windows XP dinosaur computer, we can start reporting only the best in crappy news you won't use. Now, with the power of Grammarly, we don't have to worry about crappy spelling or sentences that go nowhere. Some of the news may be rough, but that's just how we receive it here in Stu News HQ. As evidenced by our past reporting, we really don't care about typos. It's not meant to be serious, never was. It's about having a chuckle. If that happens, then mission accomplished. If not, then there are probably hundreds of better satire article websites out there that might tip the scales in your flavor. Big Stu's like you, He's old and fat too! Also, now that it's been over 10 years since the last article was posted here, we have better image compression technology, so things won't look like shit.

Taylor Swift Blows Up Stage During Denver Performance
Denver, Colorado (Denver Post Apocalyptic Press)
9-26-15
Although you'd think driving 800 miles or so to see Tay Tay perform would be worth it, concert goers at the Pepsi Center earlier this month got a rare treat that many will not forget. This particular Saturday night concert earlier this month was part of a three-night gig. For Saturday night, Taylor decided to switch up her act by playing a new song called "Bad Butt". Fans were taken aback as Casper, Wyoming-based staple "Bad Gass" took to the stage during the song, and began to stink up the arena. One concertgoer, Barbrah Wah, had front-row tickets with her daughter, Incredi. "I couldn't believe I was seeing giant butts coming out from the trap door Taylor emerged from moments earlier. They began playing a stinky tune we've never heard before". That tune, "Bad Butt", is sure to start rising in the charts, as local Denver station KGTFO 104.7 played it seven times in one hour. D.J. Perv, who was widely known for being a lying sack of shit about touching Tay Tay's butt earlier in the evening, had returned to the station following the concert to play the tune which he recorded on his run-on sentence recorder.

Bad Gass continued to stink up the arena following Bad Butt. They were only scheduled to perform one song, but soon began performing their hits, including "We Will Fart On You" and "Hangin' Butt". Taylor had to run to her rotating stage, which, like a helicopter, took off and hovered mid-arena while the audience suffered. "It smelled like super methane and sulphur dioxide," said Barbrah. Her daughter Incredi was enjoying the bad gass music. Pretty soon, a huge fart cloud had enveloped the entire arena and was seeping outside. A homeless guy near the arena who had tickets to Sunday night's show was smoking a fat joint (marijuana is legal in Colorado, remember), and got his lighter out. In less than 10 seconds, the Pepsi Center collapsed due to an explosion caused by built-up methane. Tay Tay escaped because her hover stage could fly out through the roof. She then began to perform "Out of Sync," her next scheduled song after Bad Butt. It involves her using pre-recorded tracks and just pretending to sing along with them. The photo included with this story was taken at the event, moments before the boys from Bad Gass took to the stage. Taylor Swift is seen showing off her armpit hair.

Ridiculous; Three Interviews and No Job

Des Moines, Iowa (Spee-Dee-PIP Delivery Services)

8-28-15

Bob Cuntry applied for a data entry position at Spee-dee PIP Delivery in Des Moines last month, thinking he could do the job. To his surprise, the next day he received a phone call from the delivery service. Spee-Dee-PIP services Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Duhkoota, and South Dakota. They have headquarters in St. Mierda, Minnesota, and online reviews indicate many customers are dissatisfied. The HR department called Cuntry to ask if he wanted to come in for an interview, which he accepted. During the first interview, the HR staff asked general questions, and Cuntry left with a good feeling. He was then called back for a second interview, this time with someone who asked him the same questions as before. She mentioned they would be calling Country's references, which they did. They called him back again for a third interview. This interview consisted of nearly similar questions, including more about customer service, and how working in that industry fucking sucks. They also made Cuntry take a test to determine if his penis was long enough for the job. "I've never had so many interviews for a job that paid such a shitty salary," said Cuntry, as he continues to tell his story while watching his cat fall off his porch. "The interviews seemed very redundant, and I have never experienced anything like it in my days working". Cuntry previously worked in a shithole that got worse after he left. "The people who did the same job I did at the other places were all assholes," he said, citing his reasoning for moving to a new state. "I had to get the fuck out before shit got worse". Spee-Dee wouldn't comment on their interview process, other than saying if they thought Cuntry was a good fit, they'd call him back. It has been a week and change, no call. "That's pretty shitty to do, for a $10 an hour job," said Cuntry. "Needless to say, if anyone wants to ship anything, I'll tell them to stick with UPS or FedEx, or even the USPS". Spee-Dee refused to comment for this article, saying that if they felt it would be a good match, they would contact us. Jerks.

Orange UFOs Spotted in St. Cloud, Helicopter Accompanied

St. Cloud, Minnesota (St. Cloud Flatch Dispatch)

8-28-15

On the night of August 21st, two people were among dozens who witnessed a strange and very real phenomenon in the town of St. Cloud, Minnesota. Just after 10 PM, a helicopter was spotted flying over the eastern side of town, near Highway 10. The helicopter was hovering over the Coburns Headquarters when it suddenly turned on a spotlight, starting from straight out to the ground and then panning up. The helicopter's searchlight then focused on a nearby radio tower to the southwest. It continued to hover. Two witnesses pulled over to videotape the helicopter with a phone when a strange orange UFO was spotted flying south to north over the area. It was going fairly fast and was oval-shaped. The UFO made no sound and disappeared into the clouds. The helicopter, completely unaware of the craft, continued heading west. Moments later, a second craft heading in the same direction was spotted. The craft also made no sound and was also caught on video. A local reporter quoted the St. Cloud Police as saying the helicopter was in the area practicing orchestral maneuvers in the dark. The unexplained craft, however, remains just that. The picture here was not of the sighting, but reflects what it looked like.

Candidate for President Thinks He Can Win

Washington, D.C. (Colon Powell Press)

8-28-15

A few weeks ago, we witnessed the beginning of the end, the downfall of society as it were, as 100 candidates for President of the United States each spoke for five hours on Fux News. Commentators Kelly Services, Babyfaced Pansy, and Lyingsacko Shit each asked the candidates questions, including how many times they went to the bathroom each day. "I thought the questions weren't fair," said frontrunner Donald Dump. Dump has led the polls since the race began earlier this year, because Americans really are that stupid. "They asked me how many pubes are on my toilet seat", said Dump. Dump says Fux News is irrelevant because it panders to the morons in this country, but he didn't realize his statements were being recorded, and those morons watch Fux News every day. Dubbed America's Smartest Network, Fairly Unbalanced, FUX News has been a notorious outlet for anti-President Obama propaganda. Dump says he knows he can win with his 30% poll numbers, leading the next-worst candidates: Dubya #2, Walker Tucker, Qualen, Dick Hurtz, Butfuc Jones, and Sheeit. Candidate and former CEO Ivana Tinkle rounds out the remaining field. The remaining candidates include Deez Nuts, Dis Butt, and Da Vag. Dump also continued his tirade against Latin Americans, proposing to dig a moat around the United States and have Mexico and Canada pay for it, because yeah, that will happen.

Dumbass Believes Fluoride and Chlorine Equal Cancer
Assbackwards, Wyoming (Asshole Media)
4-23-15

As the debate over whether to add fluoride to the city's water system continues, people remain completely devoid of intelligence in their arguments. A recent post to the Facebook group "Asshole U News" indicates people are still morons about the subject. While discussing a completely unrelated subject, a swimming pool, a frequent troll on the site posted one of the most idiotic statements known to man: that swimming in pools somehow increases cancer risk. You know it had to be important, too, because he put exclamation points behind his statement. For someone who worked in the health industry, you'd think they'd at least have half a brain. Apparently, that isn't so. A recent survey of ignorant people in Assbackwards indicated that the majority of people still think fluoride in the water system causes health problems. Some even claim there's a woman to blame, but I know it's nobody's fault. 90% of respondents stated they value conservative values (ha), but then advocated for bigger government by doing little to stop fluoride entering the water system. Most people agreed that the man who shall remain nameless was an ignoramus who spent too much time with an aluminum foil hat on his head. Others noted that they spend hundreds of dollars a month on bottled water, because 0.7 ppm is scary! It's scary, I tell ya. We're all going to die from cancer-causing chemicals. It seems the person isn't aware that chlorine is already added to the water system, so you don't get Montezuma's revenge and have parasites in your water. Oh yeah, I forgot you bought bottled water, which, as many know, comes from CITY TAP WATER TO BEGIN WITH. Where does the stupidity end? The simple answer is that it never does.

Stu News Editorial: Do Your Own F&#ing Work
Recluse, Wyoming (Stu News Opinion(ator))
9-18-14

I've worked in news reporting for over three years now, four if you count what got me the award in the other large market. Boy, that must have sucked that year for some people. Lately, it's getting frustrating, however.
People have told me time and again that copying is the greatest form of flattery, or that I'm a trend setter since others seem to be doing what I'm doing, but the fact of the matter is, it bothers me that those people are allowed to do that. I'm concerned that I put in long hours, only to have my work posted on another local site and receive no credit. That's all I hear about, my work getting credit by someone else, who didn't visit the crash scene, or take the time to go get the pictures. A lot of people seem to turn to me for breaking news, I figure, because I'm good at it. There is a reason I'm good at it. I put work into it, even with limited resources. I also have access to a few things, I know damn well nobody else does. There have been several of my news stories lifted simply because they can be.

An example was a vehicle-versus-pedestrian accident I practically witnessed right after the fact on a street very close to the radio station. You may recall this story. A guy on a bike didn't stop coming down the street and was hit by a vehicle. He was transported to the hospital with injuries, and the cops were there taking pictures of the scene. I got pictures and did much of the preliminary work on it. There were details in my article about the scene that only I would have known, and I don't believe the PD would have shared them with other media outlets. The newspaper didn't copy it; only one other media outlet did.

Lo and behold, the same story is posted on another site the next morning, with details only I would have had from the scene.

Another example... right after a councilman resigned, since our studios are there in town, I was able to go right to them, type the story, publish the audio, and call it good. No more than half an hour later, the same story, almost verbatim, was published on another site and was credited to someone who wasn't at the meeting. If I recall correctly, it was a webmaster who wrote the story. But come on, the same story nearly verbatim with words I used, including the kicker... "embattled".

Yet I get accused of plagiarism.

This is another example of me putting in the work and someone else receiving the credit.

If you wanted to have the story, type it in your own damn words. Put the audio in the article, and try not to write my article as your own. Simple solution. Did I write a nasty accusatory letter where I threatened legal action rather than have my poor reporter suffer? No. I did not.

Again, I don't mind breaking news; I'm good at it, but an organization that has the balls to accuse me of plagiarism even though they have no clue, and then rips off my stories? Where does it end?

It doesn't, unfortunately, and there is little I can do about it.

And it has happened time and time again. I don't have an issue covering the same news in a small town, but when stories I know are in my article also appear in other articles, that's where it gets frustrating. How would Henry Ford feel if someone stole the plans to the Model T and got the credit for it? He'd be pissed.

Next, if you follow my stories consistently, you'll notice some are posted early in the morning. Obviously, I'm not up at 2 am typing news stories (even though I have in the past). I can, just as with most other content hosts, set the timestamps in advance so the articles look fresh in the morning.

Guess what happens. Now the other media start bumping their timestamps ahead of time, too.
Do they not have original ideas of their own? Am I really that much of an influence on the news of this town? If so, cool, but at the same time, come up with your own stuff.

That's all I ask, come up with your own work. Go out to scenes where news happens. Then maybe people will ask you what is happening when something breaks instead of me. I know that has to piss off a lot of other people, but again, people come to me because I have a track record of breaking the story. Whether or not I get credit for doing so is the problem.

Baby Cries Because Nobody Plays With Him

Hostel, Rawanda (Sore Loo-za)

7-18-14

Recently, a baby who works for Constipato Monsanto in Rwanda was caught complaining to local folk because no one was playing with him. The baby, who has since been identified as a waste of time, first complained that someone else got something and he wasn't quite sure how. Maybe if he'd have thought about it, he would have realized it's actually pretty simple, and only took a fucking phone call. There was also a report that the baby thought that the other person didn't care about him because he wasn't there for the past three weeks. Oh noes. Turns out that it was all a flat-out lie, in the worst degree. The baby has since been caught with his pants down, because he spread too many rumors around town, when, to his surprise, the other person hasn't done anything like that AT ALL. Sure, the other person doesn't like the baby, but it's simply because the baby cries and starts rumors. The baby doesn't realize that he is making his business look bad. Please continue to spread false rumors and question something he should know the answer to. Complain that an email can be sent and a phone call can be made. We believe more people read the other person's work because they put more work into it and care about the region as a whole.

Half Assed News Report Lifted from Other Sources

Bangbong, Boomerz (Flatchican Whuzha)

5-14-14

Translated from the native language of plagiarismoun:

Hey oh, an accident happened in a town we normally don't care about oh, but this one be bigger because like 10 iguanas, no, they got killed. Since we don't normally report on duh happenins in that town 100 miles awayee we decided to lift a press release and duh fotos from that credible news organization, and post our own story of it half the live long day later. Oh ah ha eh er oooh ahhh ha eee ohh. "Cool". Nobudy cares tho, because we duh leading reporter in town, evun doh everyone alredy don had the story hours before us, and duh road reopened like 5 hours before we posted dis story. Onleee when it big enough news doz we repurt it. Oh yeuh, and we totally lifted the fotos too. Agun, nobudee cares.

Flour in Water is Bad, Because I Said So

Manila, Philippines (Fluoride Pamphlet)

4-1-14

The debate continues in Manila regarding whether or not flour and baking soda should be added to the city's water system. Even though folks around the world have been adding flour and baking soda to their water since the 1940s, recent studies suggest both may be poisonous...on a larger scale that is. Ingesting too much of anything can be deadly, even water, but don't tell people that, because they won't believe you. The two chemicals already exist naturally in the water system, but still, people believe it can lead to idiocy, ignorance, and the inability to read the other side of the story. Critical thinking is something removed from the debate, says expert Puld Outamyass. Because the Philippine Baking Society recently said flour in high levels is toxic, that must mean it is toxic at every level. Manila officials installed equipment that would add a fraction of a percent of flour and baking soda (or is it powder) to the water, as studies suggest people's teeth will actually be healthier. Dentists are on board because they know the properties already. "There's just a lot of people out there not willing to hear the other side of the argument. I'd call them a small but vocal minority," said Public Health Inspector Clouseu. "You get these ignorant people that likely also believe the world was created in 6-24 hour periods, and is less than 6,000 years old, and they believe anything someone tells them, usually the wrong information", he adds. "Then you add in the people that just have a bone to pick with the local government to begin with, not trusting anything the local, state, or federal governments do anyway, and they create vastly uninformed opinions, thinking they are fact. Science says otherwise bitches. May the rest of us who couldn't care less have the most say."

Council members finally pointed out that they were being dicks

Question, Ofbalance (Question Answerer)

4-1-14

It was only a matter of time before someone's head exploded, literally, due to the amount of ignorance spewed by two members of the Question City Council. In regards to a false report of a mountain lion which ended up being something for sale on the Question DownCycle Facebook page, two old farts on the Council had to complain. Councilman Airhead Jones stated that he'd seen a Facebook post come across regarding a Mountain Lion in town, which turned out to be complete BS in the end, but nobody told him that. "Who's going to pay for this, who will maintain this, who what when where why," he asked. The question had nothing to do with what was actually being discussed at that time, which was whether or not Provincial Park could be rented for the Youth Baseball team. Janitorial Department Head Stands with a Fist told Airhead that he was confused, which isn't unusual, and has happened since he was elected. Jones then proceeded to ridicule Blind Question Committee chairman PoorGuy Salways publicly, before fellow Councilman Krusty Lobber joined in the questioning. "I've heard people complain about the mountain lion in my Bieber shop. Because one person who always comes and buys stuff told me he didn't like the prospect, that must mean everyone doesn't like it, he said. Mayor Kinky noted that both Airhead and Krusty were blithering idiots whose sole mission is to drag things out and complain when they don't get their way. The Question Answerer expects to write an editorial this week that actually makes sense of this story, since it doesn't make much sense to begin with. What was the subject again? I forgot.

PAID ADVERTISEMENT: Tips for being a good little news reporter

Daniel Plainview, California (SO YOU WANT TO BE A REPORTER)

4-1-14

So you want to be a news reporter? Well, have we got an offer for you. Take our five-step program and find out how easy it is to report news and gain respect in the community. Our simple program will teach you the basics of reporting, from not using minions to try to subvertively get a story, and then still expect to beat the competition. In today's world, that is a no-no, and makes you look like even more of an ass. Second, learn tips to be respectful in meetings, such as not taking ten pictures of some random guy complaining about a septic tank in his yard. The best way to act in this situation is to 1) take advice from people, 2) don't be an interrupting jerk, and 3) turn off the flash on your camera.

Other tips in our five-step program to become a better reporter include not twisting people's words around so they lose trust in your organization. Do you plan on working for the Monopoly Man? That still means you can do so with respect and dignity. Step four in our program will teach you how to deal with someone else publishing a story before you do, and how you really shouldn't care what they do. Our proven method will allow you to focus on your own work, and not that of others, because in reality, does it matter that much to get frustrated when you don't get a return phone call? To find out step five, call 1-800-B-RSPCTFL today. We'll rush you free information on our proven method, already in use by hundreds of sane reporters around the country. Call today, or don't; just keep digging yourself in a hole. Your choice.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: Nobody Gives a F**K

Echo, Utah (Star Trek Enterprise)

2-11-14

Today, we continue our worthless series of looking back at this day in history one year ago, because that's really hard-hitting news in February. I'm a crazy cat lady who can't get the hint that people don't want to be bothered on the phone and don't like your organization so therefore, won't return your call and do a story for you. Reality sucks. A year ago today, Sam Wheat shoveled his driveway and, in return, was pissed off when it snowed another five feet in the space of two hours. He shoveled his driveway again, but it snowed again. Darn. Imagine what life was like a year ago, it must have been so terrible to shovel ten feet of snow and walk ten miles in both directions to go to school. This story was typed because we have too many people and there's nothing really interesting to report, except what our competition reports anyway. Oh, that one incident two towns over, the one that could've resulted in suicide. Yeah, forget that, we've got history to look back on and report on.

Alert - Realtor Wanted for Questioning/Possible Bitch Charges

Gordon, Montana (Lightfoot County Municipal Untimely Times)

1-13-14

Mary Kaye Olson works at IOU Realtors of Gordorn, the biggest non-heating company in town. She also happens to be the head master-debater realtor at the company. Last week, her cousin Redbox Hicke was arrested in Billings on multiple drug charges. Just last month, her other cousin, Randy Butz, was also arrested for drug charges, including owning the single Possession by Sarah Mclaughluigahhhn. Billings PD issued an all-beat alert for Olson, who was last spotted in Red Blotch, MT, about 10 miles south of Billings. Police Officials are asking the pubic to be on alert for Olson, who is about 5' 4", 130 lbs, 3 or 4 of that just pure bitch. If you see her, call 1-800-EF-SHMDA. Your comments will not remain confidential, and will be posted on Twitter, Facebook, and who the hell still uses Tumblr.

Cameras Cause Commissioners to Catastrophically Crater

Bright Light, Gremlin, Russia (Babooshka YaYa)

1-12-14

Thinking it would be a normal day, just like any, all five of the Gremlin County Commissioners were unfortunately in for a much different session. A crazy cat lady wielding a Canon DSLR camera came in and thought she was hot shit. This is the same person we've reported on in the past, who likes to interrupt meetings and ask stupid questions in the middle of sessions that are supposed to be uninterrupted. Once Ridin TheStormout, the local children center director, took to the podium, a barrage of flashes emanated from the cat lady's camera. Flash after flash after flash began to fry the sensors in the Commissioner's microchips. It was so bad that at one point, when the Cat Lady tried to ask a question, the lead commissioner told her to wait until the end of the meeting, which was seriously like 30 seconds after that. Her question wasn't even answerable, nor was it relevant. Blinded, former Commissioner Chairman Cram Dimely stated he wished the Cat Lady had acted professionally like the other two media representatives present. Vladimir Pootytang, with Das is Gud Radio, stated he was blinded by the light, ripped up like a douche, another rumor in the night.

Guy Makes Empty Threats Based On No Evidence

Bendover, Oregon (Unidentified Radio Company)

1-12-14

So last year we reported that a guy with an ego the size of a building thought he was still big shit in town (see below). That guy still thinks he is good at what he does, and everyone worships him, even though he moved to a town we didn't know a damn thing about, and works for a company we don't even know. Anywho, that guy made an empty threat the other day, blaming us for his own stupidity in publishing anti-telegraph stuff on the internet. I mean, who is going to believe you when you rant about telegraphs these days, and then go crawling back into the telegraph industry? Sources close to Wikipedia say telegraphs account for .00002% of communication these days. Sources Closer to the Edge by Yes says a sad creature nailed upon the corridor of time.

Poison Expert: Poison Can Kill You

Lexington, Nebraska (Pig Butt Media)

1-12-14

Augustus B. knew he was doing something wrong when he was constantly throwing up and using the toilet at the same time. For the past months, he was unaware, but by drinking Bleach (Cl2 + H2O), he had put his body in harm's way. Captain Obvious sat down with Augustus B. to talk about his feelings over the past month. "I would feel like crap, and then start throwing up and pooping a lot," he said. "I don't know what it is, but I suspect that bleach may have been the culprit". Captain Obvious reported to Pig Butt Media that Bleach is poisonous, just like Carbon Monoxide is. "Everybody in their right mind knows what poison is," he said," To do a story that says Carbon Monoxide or Bleach, or Chlorine by itself, or even too much water being poison is frankly unnecessary". Carbon Monoxide is odorless, just like my farts, so whenever you breathe farts, you're essentially breathing poison. Cars cause carbon monoxide, as do crappily maintained furnaces. "People know this shit. Again, putting it out there must mean it's either a really slow news day, or you really are that dense to be reporting on it", says Captain Obvious.

Guy Still Thinks He's Relevant After Burning Bridge

Ahguy, Mongolia (My Ass Backwards Life Along the Tibetan Plateau)

10-27-13

Okay, I know this is going to sound like I'm complaining, and will likely make some people mad, but I turned on my telegraph machine this morning to find out I hadn't received any messages. During half an hour, nothing, no alerts, nothing. Because I own a shitty website nobody visits, I figured I might as well write this blog about it. Now, for some reason, I still feel like my word carries weight in this village, because I was once an egotistical guy who would walk down the street talking to myself because I loved to hear myself talk. The fact that I didn't receive a telegraph this morning shows that everyone who still uses one should be ashamed of themselves. I mean, come on, we expect more out of this. I have two wires that run into my house. I used to get all the stuff I could from that machine, but it was dead this morning. I know the power was out, and half of the county couldn't do anything, but come on. Oh yeah, and I am going to edit this blog after I get caught pointing out specific people.

Big Shot Reporter Interrupts Meetings, Interviews

Shantytown, Alaska (MillionPictureTaker)

10-27-13

A local reporter is catching some flak after her antics have been pissing a lot of people off. The reporter, Lynn Chenie, is new to the area and brought her big head with her. For the fourth time last night, Chenie interrupted another reporter's interview and proceeded to act like she was a big shot. Chenie bothered a bunch of people at the Shantytown Memorial Hospital Board of Trustees meeting by taking half a million pictures of some dude talking about auditing. Previously, she has done the same thing, interrupting County Commissioner meetings and City Council meetings to ask stupid questions. It is only a matter of time before this shit will come back on her; we can only hope. Note to Chenie, stop taking a million effing pictures at meetings, and for God's sake, wait until the end to ask a f*#king question. Be respectful of others, too. Also, you are not a big shot; you are just annoying.

Station Struggles to Validate Comment
Lexington, Nebraska(Dingletown Gossip)
8-7-13
A year ago today, we reported that a local radio group had accused another radio group in town of plagiarism, while plagiarizing itself. The station's news department, which has only one good person left out of three, is at it again. Nearly a year to date, and more in public this time, another station employee falsely accused rival station group - Not Stuck on Ourselves Radio - of plagiarism. Both stations have been at war for at least 3 years, for unknown reasons. It has been reported that the reason may be that one believes it is entitled to be a monopoly (while operating three stations using loopholes), while the other continues taking the high road and not caring. This latest incident is the same. News editor James Flatchagain told the Dingletown that he has not once accused anyone at Pig Butt Media or any other local media of plagiarism. "I don't do it, even though there are times it is painfully obvious". When asked to elaborate, Flatchagain pointed to a story regarding a city council person down in Venango, NE, resigning. Because their studios are closer, Flatchagain was able to run up to the studio after the announcement was made and type up a brief story about what had occurred during the meeting. Flatchagain's article contained the word "embattled", which to this date has never been used in any other news organization's reports. His report also contained the full story, including audio. Pig Butt posted about 15 minutes later, with a different author, the same story with fewer details and no audio, going as far as using the word "embattled" as well. Blatant, but nothing was ever said. Earlier this summer, an accident occurred on a street near Flatchagain's house, and he witnessed the aftermath. Sure enough, the same story was run the following day by Pig Butt Media. "They wouldn't have had it, had I not witnessed that accident," says Flatchagain. "I am one person working 60+ hour weeks sometimes, especially when events are going on like fairs. I don't look at Pig Butt Media's website, even though I know they monitor mine. I don't have time to care, nor do I plagiarize," he says. "This is just another effort by them to see if they can run me out of town, for whatever reason". The employee at Pig Butt was not able to come up with examples of plagiarism, basically making the argument null and void. Stu News would like to remind folks of the disclaimer on this page, just in case anyone gets butt-hurt.

Morning Show Not Funny after Sound Byte Goes Wrong

Norfolk, Nebraska (Nylon Penny Saver)

8-7-13

Local Radio Station KFSM 104.3 is in hot water after a sound byte played during the morning show "This Studio Smells Like a Zoo Crew Show" has people turning out. The host Sissy Chrotch Rotz began talking about the Gordon Lightfoot concert coming up in Rapid City, South Dakota, mentioning several of his songs. The station does play Gordon Lightfoot, but is mostly known for its music genre that bears a resemblance to every other radio station in town. Coming out of a song, Rotz began mentioning Lightfoot, saying all of his songs sounded the same. The station then played a sound byte, but cued up the wrong track, mistakenly playing a file that someone in the studio had apparently recorded. As it turns out, it was just owner James Squidward mimicking his favorite movie, "UHF". It said "this community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot!! You think I CARE about the pea-brained yokels of this town?! If you took their combined I.Q. and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first!! I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them". Coming out of the audio byte, Rotz immediately went to a commercial and put the station on satellite after his show was over. Squidward issued an apology via AM station KARP 1090, which was again interrupted unexpectedly by the same audio clip. Squidward issued a paper statement saying the station's license had been revoked for the remarks, much the same as the ending of the film "UHF".

Car Catches Fire, Pot to Blame

Xanadu, Mon Flatch, France (fudss.com)

8-7-13

Early this morning at 6:30, a fire was reported in the back of a pickup truck in the Ball-Mart Parking Lot, about 3 km from Mon Flatch Gardens. Police responded along with the local fire brigade to extinguish the blaze, which took an excruciatingly short time to put out. The fire started after a lit joint, smoked by Jean ConDam, 19 of Mon Flatch, was flicked into a pile of leaves. When police arrived, they found the back of the car completely engulfed in flames, and a car stereo blaring the song "Still" by the Geto Boys. A noise complaint was filed because the song says "n*%%ers be all up in my mug, but its a different story when they coughing up blood". Someone nearby apparently said "daz racist foo". Anyway, back onto the fire. The fire spread to a trailer that the guy was carrying, which had highly flammable kerosene containers on it. Dumb ass. The cause of the fire was immediately known.

Stu News Has Complainers
Recluse, Wyoming(Stu News Wikileaked Cable to its one employee)
7-21-13

Stu News has received confirmation that its one viewer, and you know who you are, has some complaints about the writings and ramblings on this site. By all means, take a seat and read this because it means the world! Okay, first, you likely didn't read the opening, which says if you feel offended, scroll to the bottom. If you do by chance scroll to the bottom and read the disclaimer, you'd be reminded that every single article on this website is satire. These articles aren't about real people or places or things! They are based on whatever the hell I think of at the time of writing. Why do you think the town names are sometimes fake and the news sources are always fake? It has also come to my attention that you are trying to look for any damning information against me that you can use should something arise. Why? Ok, so someone told you something about me. You weren't there, you don't know the context, the facts, nor should you care to be honest. If it bothers you that much to know every little detail about my life, ask me instead of going to someone else and not hearing the truth. A question for you, dear reader: why are you so damn focused on what I write, do, and say? Do you have a life of your own? Don't you have more important things to worry about, like bills, or when you should get your car repaired, or what days you have to water? Why waste your time trying to dig up a scandal when you should be doing your job! See what it feels like when you make assumptions? The problem is, I'm not assuming. I know who you are. One of the awesome benefits of owning this website since 2003 is that I know who visits it. I know your IP address, I know your internet provider, hell, I even know which browser you use. Do I let it get to my head? To be honest, this is the most energy I have expended on this subject, ever. I simply do not have time to worry about what YOU think of me, nor do I care. I don't think I see you in a town you know damn well I don't live in, walking an animal I've never owned. Ha! Gotcha! It works both ways. Again, am I going to talk to a news source and say, oh, so in so did this, therefore he is a bad person? No, I just do not care. Whatever rumors may be flying down where you live are just that, rumors. You and your fellow kiss ass of all kiss ass friends down there are notorious for starting rumors about my place of work and about employees at said place of work. It has been going on for years, and karma will catch up to both of you, if it hasn't already. Do you think this is going to ultimately earn you more advertising dollars by spreading BS throughout town? I don't think so. If people aren't blind, they will see through it. One of the huge benefits of living in a big city, like I did before I came here, is learning that people just don't give a shit what others do in a town that size. Here, everybody wants to know everything about everyone. Once they dig up what they perceive to be dirt, they run with it, true or not. I honestly hope you keep thinking the stories on this site are about you personally, or about somewhere you work. If you can't understand sarcasm, that is not my problem. If you can't accept the truth, that is also not my problem. If you have something to say to me, say it to my face, instead of other people around town first. Also, I would appreciate it if you would do your own work, concentrate on that, and not even remotely care what I am doing. Got it? Thanks! On another note, you can't accuse me of plagiarism and then blatantly rip off one of my articles. Did I accuse your organization of plagiarism even though I know damn well you did? No. I just do not care.- CEO Shawn Ovthaded

My Radio Done Broke
Shingled House, Idaho (Crazy Whitesupreme Back Country Writer)
6-28-13

Yesterday I was listening to the radio, you know, the one station I can actually receive from Salmon, about 40 miles down the steep ass road that goes nowhere but my house. All of a sudden, the station faded out, and I heard some hip hop and shit, and it literally knocked me out of my seat. The man said Dallas, Texas, and I said, " What the hell, they must be having some kind of error at the Salmon station. I called down there, and they were unaware of anything going on. They suggested I tune to the AM band, which up here sounds like shit thanks to the nearby cell phone tower. I told them to fix it, and they still didn't hear me. A few minutes later, I checked on the NPR station, but no, I'm not a communist, Barack Obama needs to burn on the uh, stake. Damn him and his communist, racist, Muslim, Nigerian, Kenyan, Saudi Arabia, or Chechenslovakia ways. He's just as bad as the guy who killed those people in Boston. So anyway, I checked the NPR station, and they were playing some preacher guy, who I could tell was black. I know that station doesn't do that. What the hell was going on with my radio? It had to be a conspiracy, so I contacted the radio manufacturer, and they didn't know either. I waited about half an hour, and the NPR station came back in, and everything seemed normal. I swear HAARP and the government are creating this shit. That damn democrat in my state is responsible. He's a black guy, so you know he's trying to rob something.... It gets lonely here up on my soapbox.

Hexagon Oil Country Blowdown Next Week
Los Angeles Harbor, California (Daily Times Press Democrat Republic Paper Thingy)
6-28-13

Hexagon Oil, the fictional company in the 2nd Naked Gun movie, you know the one with Robert Goulet and O.J. Simpson? Yeah, that film. Anyway, Hexagon Oil is holding its annual Country Blowdown next week, July 3rd. The showdown features the absolute best in kids playing with instruments, mostly of the Country music variety. Traditional favorites include "Taken a Poo (On The American Flag)", "Drivin' My Country Girl to 7 Eleven", and the staple "Kissing Drunk Girls at the Mint Bar". The contest brings out the worst people, who are just looking to make a quick buck. It is sponsored every year by 94.9 The Copycat FM. The idea to hold the festival was stolen from Pigbutt Town Media in Lexington, Nebraska, the company notorious for suing its listeners last year, and failing miserably when the judge asked their owner what the hell he was thinking. Anyway, the contest takes place July 2nd at 1:50 AM, and is open to anyone aged 1 through 5. Prepare to get your cuntry on.

NRAA President Says Southerners Hate Northerners
White City, South Carolina (Think Backwards)
5-9-13

Newly elected National Rabid Arse Association president Peppie Le Peu sees the progress in White City as a sure sign of how stupid people really are. "The people in this fair city are like everyone else in the Southern United States. Their opinions somehow set the standard for how the rest of the world thinks," says Le Peu. Le Peu has gone on record saying the South was attacked by the North during the Civil War, and calls the war the War of Dumbass City Folk versus the God Fearin' Gun Totin' South. Le Peu also believes the world was created in 6 days, and that it is only about 2500 years old. "There's evidence that man walked with dinosaurs," he said. "That Flintstones TV show, you know, was right," he said. "God created Adam and then Eve out of his rib, and global warming is a myth," he adds. Meanwhile, the progress in White City regards erecting a giant middle finger statue in the city center, which faces southeast for some reason. "We put this statue here as a way to say f*#( you to the north, we don't need you in our land". Think Backwards can be found online here.

Kentucky Senator Introduces Law Requiring Removal of Certain Hairs
Lexington, Kentucky (The Glenn Alex Jones Beck Reporter)
5-9-13

Senator Mitch D.Umbass (R-KY) today introduced legislation into the House of Representatives that would require both males and females to remove pubic hair from their bodies. The measure, according to staff, requires women to remove facial hair around their chin and moustache area. "We're better people than this," said D.Umbass. "Our people of the great state of Kentucky should be pure souls, and not have a single hair on the [other parts] of their body". Editor's note: Several words of the Senator's have been censored for the kids. Senator D.Umbass sees this as the ongoing movement to intrude into the lives of constituents, while calling for limited government at the same time. "Our 4th and 5th amendment rights are being trampled upon," said D.Umbass, as he installed a video camera in the woman's shower at the local YMCA. "This is the only way to enforce this," said D.Umbass. Staffers were quick to point out that the law didn't contradict privacy laws already in place, and simply improved privacy. "Women's health, especially that of her nether regions, is very important for us," said Senator D.Umbass Friday at a press conference. "We want to make sure that women are not allowed to make any decisions regarding anything, especially when it comes to their health," he added. D.Umbass is on the Senate Janitorial Committee, and notes an increase in pubes on toilets in the men's bathrooms on the Hill.

High Speed Chase Ends in Free Lt. Dan Ice Cream (EXCLUSIVE STORY - Ya Bastid!)
Richard Pryor, Montana (92.9 The Beagle)
5-9-13

A rare high-speed chase took place under everyone but the local paper and our noses last night, and a quick call to the Richard Pryor PD confirmed the details. 27-year-old Victoria Santoz, perhaps well known as being the best-looking woman in town, has been on the radar of many of the men in law enforcement lately. Officer Down told the Beagle that a lot of his fellow officers wanted to get into her pants, but he said to keep that part off record. Oops. Anyway, the chase began on Interstate 90 when Santoz was pulled over under charges of being too attractive. Santoz fled the scene, and the chase took down Ballwors Street, turning onto the Double Decker highway. Santoz pulled over on the road after nearly running an ice cream truck off the road. Police officers offered to negotiate with Santoz by buying her the Arby's Market Fresh flavor of Lt. Dan Ice Cream from the truck, and she accepted. Officers on the scene noted they also ate Chocolate Magnesium Chloride Ice Cream, as well as Bacardi 105 Alcohol flavored frozen yogurt. I hate yogurt! Even with strawberries.

Stu News Has Readers
Recluse, Wyoming(Stu News Wikileaked Cable to its one employee)
5-8-13

Stu News has confirmed that it does indeed have one reader, at least. Sources closer to the edge by the band Yes say the news comes after three months of a very crappy situation, in which uncalled-for attacks have surfaced against Stu News. Apparently, people aren't aware, even with the blatant note at the top that this is satire. Now, some may think they are the subject of the articles, but even if they are, they aren't, if that makes sense. The humor here is simply sarcastic, and frankly, not that funny. So congratulations to our half employee for their success in confirming that Stu News has readers. I guess. The rest of you get back to work - CEO Shawn Ovthaded

Paper Plates Chosen as New Dinnerware
Hesston, Tennessee(Durp DooDoo)
4-5-13

Due to the sequester, caused in major part by those dumb folks in Congress, we here in Hesston half decided ta cut back R own way. In rder to trim da city's budget one hundred percent, we's decided to switch ta paper plates, yah know, that red solo cup song ya always hear from Mephis radio. Yah, that brand is what we chose after a long 8-hour filibuster from Randy Newpaul, son of Rondy NewPaul, cusin of Mitt CDromney. Until dos nut jobs in Washington can resolve duh issue of this zquester, we has no choice. You are also now required by duh law to use only utensils from Wendy's. They maken good burgers tonight, I might go down there and get me a Son of a Bitchinator. Sounds like a deal to me. See ya with more reportin tomarra falks. Be suren bring yah own beer too!

Dunbar County Planning Commission Plans Plan against Plan for Plan
Salinah, Eyon Iasis, China (Randolph Johnson State Run Press)
4-4-13

For nearly two hours this evening, the Dunbar County Planning Commission heard complaints and praise for a new proposed cattle mutilation factory, to be located near the Y. The location is perhaps best known for a fire that burned down a bus after it blew up, no thanks to that bad guy in the movie Speed. Local Dunhorn resident Mark Mywords lives 2 miles from the proposed factory, which was to include ceilings 900 feet high with a roof only about 10 feet off the ground. Currently, the area is zoned denzen, but the factory requested two girls and a CUP in order to move it to the proposed locations. Residents near the proposed facility complained about the potential for traffic to be a problem, even though the place only has two employees who work 24-hour shifts. "It's not like we're going to have gillions of people pulling in and out of the parking lot every day," a resident in support of the measure said. Cattle Mutilation Factories are located in most western states, and manufacture mutilated cows to be strategically placed where their ranchers can later find them. "We're responsible for those reports you see and hear about on Coast to Coast AM with Ian Punnett," said Art Hess, a worker. In the end, the planning commission voted against the facility. Hess said they could put it somewhere else, like next to the PassGass Refinery in Dunhorn.

We Were There, Therefore We Matter More, and we work hard to break your news.
Upyerbutt, Nroundthecorner, Italy (C. Foyer Information)
4-4-13

Since everyone seems to give a s*#t, we posted the fact that we attended a stupid ass meeting that 90% of the county couldn't care less about. The fact of the matter is, we were there, and we have no respect for anyone else, so we've gotta have it first. All day we've poked and prodded, but they seem to be taking the high road. What the hell is up with that? I thought rounding up all of my coworkers to like my post on Facebook would somehow break the spirit of that person who's been back for two days now, but he refuses to acknowledge we even posted something. What else is funny... nobody gives a s#%t what we say. Why is that? Is it because everyone in their right mind knows what a bunch of monopolistic pricks we are? Our heads are too far up our asses; we can't see that. Or maybe we're just afraid of competition. Oh my god, someone is doing something better, I must demean them. Yep, that is what we do. In other words, you weren't there, so I'm not telling you what happened.

Out of Season Twister De-Pantses Storm Chaser

Django, Nebraska (The D Is Silent But Deadly)

3-24-13

World-renowned storm Chaser Reed Mylips and his team, known as the deflatchinator team, have been chasing twisters for over 8 years now, but weren't prepared for an out-of-season twister that struck a small farm outside of Django yesterday. The EF0 tornado had winds estimated at 5 miles per hour. It carved a 200-foot path through Ernest P. Worrell's farmhouse out on Suckit Road. Called to action from his Oklahoma hiding place, the sometimes cocky Reed flew up to Nebraska just in time to intercept the tornado. "I instructed my goofy-looking driver, who pisses me off sometimes, to drive right into the tornado," he said. "I wanted to film it for my ego-centric website tornadossuckballs.net," he added. Just as Reed's vehicle, the Deflatchinator approached the twister, he got out of the vehicle like a moron and stood in front of the tornado. The 5-mile-per-hour winds ripped off most of his clothing, leaving little to hide. "We got some great footage of the twister, but unfortunately, most of it contains nudity," said Reed. Meanwhile, authorities in Shinger County criticized Reed's work by asking him what the hell he was doing in the middle of a thunderstorm, being the tallest object around. "That guy is a moron," said Sheriff Perry. "He violated my territorial bubble," he added.

Wal-Mart Register Machines Make Happy Music
Disux, Texas (Stuper Slaver)
3-24-13
Walmart in Disux today unveiled a new item at their cash register earlier this morning, just as the AM shoppers began to file in as the store opened. Walmart Cashier Gedorf Yu Cochucker told the Stuper Slaver that the store had purchased new receipt machines that played funky MIDI music of different lengths, dependent on the size of the receipt. "It plays lots of melodies, each of a different length," he said. "If a person spends over $100, they get treated to an awesome song," he continued. Store Manager Butch Cassiday said the machines add flair to the store, which usually has a dull atmosphere full of weird people dressed sometimes in nothing at all. "I've seen a couple of almost-naked people here a few times," he said. The new machines are expected to roll out to all stores across the country, continuing this year. Parts of the south and Podunk towns out west will be the last to receive the devices. "My favorite song that plays is Eeee EEE ohhh Eeee Ohhh Eee" says Cochucker.

Woman Butthurt After Comments She Made Get Posted Online

Applebee, Minnesota (Daily Dingleberry)

2-1-13

An Applebee's woman is upset after comments she posted in private somehow ended up online and caused a shit storm. Literally, there was shit falling from the sky! Poster Welch Esjuice left that phone dangling off the hook, turned around and gave it one last look, and slowly left the area. Her complaint, "They're trying to take away my guns, and such because I don't have a political agenda". The post ended up online somehow, and posters to the local Upcycle Facebook page tore into EsJuice's comments, saying they would stop advertising with her business, The local Nylon Penny Saver Classifieds, because of her comments. Oh noes, terrible grammar strikes again! The Nylon Penny Saver had very little comment on the situation other than to say that it came upon a midnight clear, and that the person who decided it was conveniently on his 100th vacation of the month. Seriously, does that guy do anything useful?

Facebook to start charging its users

Menlo Park, California (Facebook Internal Memo)

1-17-13

Dear Fellow Facebook employees, I, your fearless leader, Mark Zuckerberg, want to send every one of you a message about the pathway to prosperity that will get Facebook to a new level. What I am talking about will revolutionize the world of Facebook, allowing more people to return to Myspace or Google+, so we can level the playing field. It begins, my friends, by charging a small per-month fee for every user on the site. Beginning tomorrow at 9 AM, we will implement a tiered structure for charging. Those who use Facebook at least 6 times a day will be paying $9.99 a month. Those who use the site 4 times a day pay $8.99 a month. Finally, those who use the site 1-3 times a day will be charged $3.99. We all know how much bandwidth and server space it takes to host this wonderful time-waster of a site we have built, but if you can bear with the next few weeks of angry callers, we can achieve great success while earning profits. Again, tomorrow at 9 AM, those logging in will have to copy a certain message, and Facebook will begin charging them a fee. - Sincerely, Mark Zuckerberg. P.S. - This is a joke. We all know Facebook has been and will always be free.... or will it? DUH DUH DUH! P.P.S. I just farted.

Commenter's Complaints Fall On Deaf Ears

Clearmont, Wyoming (Local Gossiper)

1-17-13

A local woman, long known for being rude to folks online, may have finally met her match earlier today. The woman, 58-year-old Patty Krusta Hoth, posts on a popular Facebook group called Clearmont U News. The kicker, she only comments when someone badmouths her favorite radio station, K292DZ 106.3, which is a praise jeebs station from Rapid City. The station barely makes it into Clearmont, and some, well, most don't even know it even exists; that is, except Hoth. "They call out how bad of a job they do on that station," she says, "it hurts my feelings because I somehow matter in the discussion". Hoth, who has nothing better to do than to berate hard work, lives in a trailer outside of Leiter, Wyoming, with her 9 cats and a rabbit. "Wow, just wow," she says. The radio station had no comment other than releasing a small memo that said nobody gives a ff what you think.

Drive Safer When Winter Weather Hits

Nome, Alaska(Icicle Sketcher)

11-16-12

Because nothing else worth talking about is going on, we thought we'd offer up some winter driving tips. When the weather gets cold enough, water freezes, creating something called ice. Ice is frozen water and is very slippery. When driving on snowy or icy roads, it is best to use common sense. Don't slow down abruptly when you are driving on ice, unless you want to cause an accident. If you travel at 90 miles per hour on the Interstate when the weather gets crappy, you will likely get ahead of it faster. Always make sure you check road conditions before you travel. They won't help you. Road conditions tend to be out of date and can actually cause problems when reported incorrectly. It is best just to grip the wheel and drive through a storm, rather than stop at a hotel and play REO Speedwagon's Ridin' the Storm Out, headin' for fall out. Dealin' with a Rocky Mountain Wintahhh. Well, I'm not missin' a thing.

Newspaper Releases Names of Laid Off Employees Before They are Formally Notified

Forsyth, Montana(Liberty Daily Wipe)

11-16-12

The local penny saver, the Bounty Crounty, which shares its name with a national chain of really crappy classified ad newspapers across the country, has alienated more readers again this week, by publishing a story that should have been withheld until employers received word. Word was coming that the lay-offs at the local Janitorial Supply Company prior to an official release, but because they are assholes and had to be first, the Bounty Crounty reported the story first, shocking many in the public who had no idea they were involved or were to be terminated. Comments on the Stu News Facebook page indicated people were generally frustrated that the report was released before their spouses or even they themselves were notified by management. "This isn't the first time they've been assholes," says one comment. "Why do they always have this 'we have to be first attitude?" asked another. Reporters from the Bounty Crounty said they were informed by a news release from the company, when all sources show no such release was ever sent to the media. Inside sources tell the Daily Wipe that the reporter saw the story based on one post on Facebook and made the rest of the story up from there. In other news, Sara Fields, you have been terminated (in best Arnold voice).

Pig Butt Town Media Exclusive: Planning Commission Plans Plantation

Lexington, Nebraska(Pig Butt Town Media)

11-16-12

Lexington City Planning Commissioners, on Tuesday night, approved a plan that would approve another plan that approved the first plan. Pig Butt Town Media Reporter Don Dickoff was there and has the story. The Lexington City Planning Commissioners have approved a plan to upgrade the sewer system at 949 Copied 927 Street in Lexington. The plan includes digging dirt with heavy equipment and moving that pile of dirt about five feet from where it was. The plan calls for the installation of a new 1/4 inch ABS line to provide improved raw sewage removal from the house at 949 Copied 927 Street. Resident Rust Humper complained to the Lexington City Council that the Mayor was doing the project because he was a pretty boy. Pig Butt Media will have more on this story when the pipe cement is installed.

News Reporter Dies in Fire at Middle School/College/University, Whatever.

Casper, Wyoming... no wait, it was Laramie, Wyoming, no wait... Salt Lake City, Utah (KgodurSTU TV)

11-7-12

Local competition reporter Matt Tolera was killed in an apparent fire at Centennial Jr. College University of..who cares. He died. Don't you know he cheated? Oh, come on. Do you really trust one person with you're (sic) news? Tolera was known for copying our stories and pasting them, even before we published ours. How did he do that? We think he was hacking our servers and seeing what we were posting ahead of time. As if he was smart enough to do that. He isn't, or wasn't at least. He was also known for handing our asses to us, even though we have 10 billion news reporters. We just wanted you to know that, because that is what we'd really do if Tolera were dead.

Update: 1:48 AM It turns out we jumped the gun to report this story because we thought it was sooooo freaking exclusive. It turns out nobody in this area cares about the words "exclusive" or "so in so reporter was there". People are smart enough to know a reporter was on the scene; you don't have to dumb it down. Tolera was later found alive and well. The fire didn't do much damage. In fact, after the fire was put out, the room where it started magically repaired itself. We showed up a few hours after the fire was put out to find Tolera very upset at our report. Tolera chastized us for our obvious slander and libel towards him and asked us blatantly to admit that we copied his reports. We admitted that we did. So what. We have more people than he does. We can get away with plagiarism, and nobody can prove us wrong, even if it is blatantly stolen from another website or elsewhere. Sources say this was all just a dream and that you'll soon wake up. 999,999,999 of our other reporters contributed to this report.

Candidate for Master and Commander Party Upset

Mouthwash, Australia (Outback Steakhouse Menu)

11-7-12

James Buah Blee Boo ran a tight campaign again this month for the monthly street sweeper position. His challengers included incumbent Dave Madguy, Shlong Stiff, and Ding Donge. As per tradition, once a month, a kangaroo wanders into the village to pick the candidate for street sweeper, but alas, it wasn't Boo's turn this month. "I don't get it, crickey," he said. "I got out my digeriedoo and everything, but none of it worked". Elsewhere in Mouthwash, two new village council members were elected, but in the end, we really don't care to hear every single candidate's opinion, so we're going to leave it at that. Beating the election like a dead horse because you have nothing else to show is pretty piss poor mate. G'day! (Due to poor formatting and limitations, the picture at left will be presented in Mellonhead vision format.)

Terribly Confusing and Poorly Coded Website Crashes Computer
James Woods, Ohio (Harlem Globe Trotter)
10-20-12

A million-dollar website launch was met with failure today as media conglomerate Ranchester Media launched their brand new website. The new website was designed to completely replace an older version, which still used HTML-3, like who the hell still uses that stuff. Anyway, the new website, which looks eerily similar to the old one, uses a brand new language called WGAF, or Who Gives a Fluff. It was designed by master encoder Toomuch Timeonmyhands, based out of Xianger, China. The website www.ranchestermedia.com was supposed to showcase news, but stories kept getting posted too quickly, so the important articles became buried under fluff pieces, like "Man Uses Toilet Paper for the First Time," or "Alcoholics Un-anonymous Meet Tonight at Local Bar". Owner Woo Dayton says, "We followed the example of pigbuttmedia.com website, which won the PaidMoneyToWin award back in 2001. We followed their lead by paying the Ohio Association of Broadcasters about $1,000 so our news reporter, who doesn't even have a show of her own, could win an improbable award. And then, we said that she covers the show on a radio station nobody listens to. Dayton is referring to 1410 AM WWYO, a classical station that can barely be heard in the parking lot of the studio. Anyway, this article went off on a tangent. The website, ranchestermedia.com, crashed someone's computer. Sources close to the computer say it was because it was a Commodore 64, and nobody uses those anymore.

Terrorist Who Works Out in the Nude Gets Blown Up
Dulles International Airport, Washington D.C. - Samantha Coleman WNTW News
10-20-12

International renown drug leader General Esparanza's extradition to the United States was cut short this evening when Los Angeles Police lieutenant John McClane put his and a band of terrorists' plans to shame. The terrorists, said Airport Police Chief Dennis Franz, captured a church outside of the airport grounds after a short exchange with an older gentleman who acted terribly before being shot. The terrorists used the church as a home base to take control of the airport. All the while, the terrorists, who had seized control of the control tower and all landing systems, kept saying "we've got you". The entire situation began with terrorist Colonel Stuart, who was once a good guy, but started working out in the nude, and then decided to hijack the airport. After several people died, including Robert Patrick, a fuzzy black guy was able to figure out how to thwart the terrorist plot by using a radio transmitter from RadioShack to broadcast to the planes circling the airport. A plane crash earlier this evening came as a result of bad acting on behalf of a fat British guy, who was also in the terrible flop film "Con Air". If this sounds confusing, watch the movie Die Hard 2. The plot of the film was ripped from this story. In the end, while flying in a helicopter, we witnessed McClane jump onto the wing of a 747 and manage to stand up straight, despite the plane traveling at an incredible speed. He then proceeded to beat the shit out of General Grant and Colonel Stuart after a pretty pussy fight. McClane uttered an expletive, and the plane blew up. Following the explosion, it was still snowing like crazy, and it was still at the former site of Stapleton in Denver, not Dulles International Airport like the film Die Hard 2 said it was.

Cat Throws Up on Blanket - Man Gets Cold
Superior, Notsuperior, Justplainabad (Captain Obvious Reporter)
10-18-12

Earlier this evening, resident Walffin Jingles was typing the latest entry in his blog, entitled "Horticulture Reporter, News That Puts You in the Driver's Seat," when he heard a strange, but familiar noise coming from his bedroom. "It sounded like upchucking," said Jingles, 38, who lives by himself in a one-bedroom apartment surrounded by an ugly, colored stucco. "I walked in only to find my cat, Bowie, throwing up on my University of Phoenix Blanket. Next to that blanket was another blanket that had visions of sugar plums dancing in its head. "The other blanket also got some of the throw-up," says Jingles, "I immediately grabbed the blankets and ran them under the sink". Bowie had no comment, other than trying to look cute as Jingles sat down with his laptop to continue writing his blog. "He eats too much too fast," says Jingles. "I've never seen a cat throw up in some of the worst places, now I'm going to be cold tonight," he added.

Debate Turns Ugly

Olongjohnson, Sardinia (Click Boop Poot.com)

10-18-12 1/2

The regularly scheduled candidate forums, put on by the local commerce society of secret things, took place this evening in Olongjohnson. Nick TheSlasher McGirk squared off with Rusty Hinges. Both men are running for the office of Head Janitor. The debate started fine, but after a giant fart cloud enveloped the debate arena, the two men began playing the blame game. McGirk shot at Hinges, saying he who smelt it dealt it, but Hinges was ready with a reply, countering that McGirk had also smelled the foul odor. The two men then got into a verbal melee over Starcraft, and where the SCVs were supposed to mine for minerals. It turned even uglier when Hinges coughed as he drank his tenth glass of water. "It just drove me over the edge," McGirk was later quoted as saying. "I kept seeing him drink that water, and it made me have to pee. I believe he has the power to influence that," he added. McGirk indeed couldn't hold it any longer, peeing on moderator Ivana Tinker, and causing some in the audience to lose their lunch. Tomorrow's debate will see candidates for bagger at the local Safetyway Supermarket, in downtown Olongjohnson.

Very Boring Lecture Scheduled

Shingleton, Illinois (Northern Southern Express Coffee Table paper)

10-17-12

Canadian Prime Rib Roast Phillip Terrance will be speaking at Shingleton College this week. He will be discussing the college's attempts at figuring out a mysterious problem in Canada. The problem, says Terrance, regards the Country's seemingly lack of care for racism. Compared to the United States, the racist capital of the universe, Canada doesn't give a shit, Terrance says in his latest non-fiction publication entitled "Dr. Giggles, or Hope You Have Protection". Phillip will be discussing his novel, as well as other interesting topics, including why cats can see ghosts but humans can't, and why some people pander for other people to advertise with them. The lecture will take place at the A-TEAM auditorium, in the Whitney Houston Commons Building, on the Shingleton College campus, on Tuesday. December 7th, 1940... at 9:30 pm.

90th Station Launched

Lexington, Nebraska (Pig Butt Town Media)

10-17-12

Pig Butt Town Media is excited to announce the launch of our 90th radio station in the Lexington area. The station will use 87.3 MHz at the very bottom of your FM dial. While 87.3 is not available on almost all radios, says owner Kim Jong Ill, of HateComm, he expects that due to haphazard engineering, the station will be able to be received from 87.1 all the way up to about 88.3 FM, competing with the local NPR affiliate on 88.1. "We got a call from the FCC, asking us what the hell we were doing," says Ill. "I told them to #&$* off like I normally do," he replied. The FCC hasn't inspected Pig Butt Town Media's 89 other radio stations for discrepancies for who knows how long, and since this is our news article, which we had first, we were there, and we can tell you that we aren't using any illegal means to transmit. The station will be known as KZYQ, and will play music from every single genre that our other stations play, says Ill. Expect to hear everything from Sports talk, crappy conservative programming, classic country, butt rock, gay current hits, and not-really oldies.

[Article appearing in the Incompetent Times in Lexington]

10-17-12

Pig Butt Town Media owns 89 stations in the immediate Lexington area. Incompetent Times reporters did some investigating into FCC records and regulations and found several of their stations to be operating either illegally or with deleted licenses. For example, their brand new "Franken FM" station on 87.7 FM, which they call First in Everything 87.7 FM, is not transmitting a video signal, as the FCC requires, nor is its modulation at a correct level. The station is also broadcasting using a deleted license, indicated by a "D" in front of the call letters, which are K06FU. The station's attempt to broadcast from Blue Incline Road, where 85 of its other stations transmit from, is interfering with properly licensed KFUQ-LP in Ogallala, NE. KFUQ-LP has requested the FCC's help in dealing with the interference, but the agency has apparently turned a blind eye. K06FU has until 2015 to cut to digital, but we expect ILL to fight the FCC, just so his precious 87.7 can stay a fake FM station. Our analysis, you're crowding the market and confusing the listeners, dumb ass. Oh yeah, and one more thing, source your articles, you hypocrites.

Google to Release Buttview Software

(Google press release)

8-9-12

Google Inc. (California), is expected to roll out a new piece of software similar to its wildly popular and sometimes controversial Street View. The new software amplifies Streetview's capabilities by taking video and following people around on city streets. Google also promises live streaming satellite feeds in the near future, to complement their Earth suite. Buttview, as it will be called, will initially be rolled out in smaller towns around the country, starting with Leo, Wyoming, and moving to Wolf, Wyoming later that afternoon. The camera can go places Streetview can't, says CEO Rich Uberly. Uberly stated that Buttview will go into people's homes and snap 360-degree pictures of bathrooms and other rooms. “We've secured the rights to enter about 32,000 homes in this country and photograph what is going on,” he says. Users can always report inappropriate content, such as that which has been featured on Street View before. “We'll tone down the nudity, which we'll most certainly encounter in people's homes, especially in the shower”, says Uberly.

Buttview is expected to begin snapping pictures in late 2068.

Fire Starts Last Year
Lexington, Nebraska (Pig Butt Town Media)
8-8-12
Written by Traci Grammar
Last year, a fire started when a power line was burned in the night by a lightennnning strike that took five years to hit the ground. Sources with Dakota Fanning Utilities say that we're a bit behind in our reporting. We say that nobody else had the story, so effectively, we ran it first. No matter if it was a year ago, we had the story. A fire happened last year, that is the news, and you're up to date.

[Letter to the editor in relation to this article]
Mortimer Snurd
Nylon Penny Saver
8-9-12
Pig Butt Town Media should remove its article regarding the fire that started last year. The fire started last year, and the story should never have been run because by now, nobody cares. Why is the supposedly best-at-everything radio company in the city running a story from a year ago? Newsflash, guys, and it's a breaking story: people already knew about the fire well before this report. In fact, most can't remember it even happened. I just dug through the archives at the library and found the paper had the story the day the fire happened. Where was Pig Butt Media? If I were an advertiser on their stations that, frankly, suck, I'd be asking the same question. Are we really up to date when we hear week-old news? Also, it is spelled “lightning”, not lightening. Lightening means you are making things brighter.

Retirement Community Complaints

Joint Pain, Florida (Dying-Print-News)

8-8-12

Old people like to complain, this is a fact, and such is happening in the sleepy retirement community of Joint Pain. The town has one of the largest populations of seniors in the entire state of Florida, with about 3% of the population under 50 years old. “I like it here, but those darn young people spend too much money,” said Loretta Clorretta. “Back in 1935, I was on City Council, and I tried to get rid of that damn baseball park.” Cloretta is referring to Sour Kraut Park, one of the few baseball diamonds in the city. “We need to build a community center there, to bring more of our kind here, and we have to be sure to make sure it[sic] ADA accessible – sure”. Meanwhile, Mayor Randy Travis, who is 36 years old, is wondering what the hell he is doing in town. “This town is a bunch of old whiners,” he said. “All they do is vote republican and bitch about the five of us in town who manage things”. Travis is speaking about the Council, who is made up of a majority of folks over 75 years old. “The Mayor is too liberal with my, uh, our money,” says Councilman Rust Humper. “They don't get off my lawn and fix my street because I bring it up every *$@*ing meeting,” Humper says Lobbmydick Steet has hills the size of a badger. Meanwhile, a campaign has been launched to remember what the campaign before was about, as nobody can remember. “They don't fix my street, the water runs into the drain as it should, it needs to collect more,” says Humper. Mayor Randy Travis was spotted online looking for jobs in Key West. “I need to get the hell out of here,” he told our reporter, who was there on the scene at that very moment in time, just standing there reporting... no, believe me, he was there. “The only reason they elected me is that they thought I was 90 years old. I was wearing a Halloween mask, which made me look older. They took it seriously.” Joint Pain has a population of 40 people, with ten community centers, fourteen churches, twenty senior centers, and one street. It has voted conservative in the past 900 elections held in OlYeller County. Ahyuck!

Styx Video Inspires Local Performer

Backwash, Ohio (Kangstown Trio)

8-7-12

For the annual Shello Rock Showdown, held this weekend at the Sztank Center in Hack Springs, local performer Rabble Riller was inspired by something. That something was the music video for the song “Love is the Ritual” by the 70s and 80s band Styx. In the video, the lead singer, some guy named Glen, sings into a microphone with a ton of shots of a woman in a bathtub in slow motion.

The rest of the band is shown in brief shots, but most of it focuses on Glen. Riller says he was inspired to mimic the video while on stage, and even sing the same song. A surprise came when Denis DeYoung, who was eating dinner in the restaurant adjacent to where the event was held, heard the song and joined Riller on the stage. “He needed back up for the nah nah part,” says DeYoung. DeYoung says that while the album Edge of the Century was a success, he missed Tommy Shaw so much that the new guy couldn't measure up. “He was a lot younger than I was, and it was frankly pissing me off,” he says. DeYoung left in a bad mood, farting in Riller's face. Meanwhile, Riller went on to win the Shello Rock Showdown and will head to Lexington, Nebraska, for the next event, to be hosted by the local NPR station. “I'm just glad to have met DeYoung, even if he was a dick,” says Riller.

Radio Station Accuses Other Radio Station of Plagiarism, While Plagiarizing.

Lexington, Nebraska (Dingletown Gossip)

8-7-12

Pig Butt Town Media News Director Daron Flabber recently accused crosstown rival Not Stuck On Ourselves Radio of plagiarism, a claim which News Director James Waterford says is absolutely false. The incident involved a news story about the Richard County Commissioners, who recently signed a lease with the Lake Mathew McCaughney for 990 years. Waterford's story, published at 9:17 am, details the events that had happened earlier that morning in the courthouse. Moments later, a similar story with nearly the same details appeared on the Pig Butt Town Media website: pigbuttmedia.com. The story there had (and still has) the time stamp of 9:25 am.

Flabber says Waterford stole portions of his story that hadn't been published yet, and changed the time stamp, as he hadn't seen the story until after his was published. Waterford showed Dingletown Gossip a screenshot of Facebook, which indicated that he had indeed posted the story at 9:17 am. Flabber could not be reached for comment, other than saying his company would rather spend money on lawyers to deal with the mutiny going on in the advertising department than deal with being beaten by eight minutes.

In other news, Pig Butt Town Media owner Kim Jong Ill, the 2nd, recently married an octopus.

Train Kept Rolling All Night Long

Totanka, North Dakota (Dances With Newspapers)

9-18-11

Last night at approximately 1:35 AM, a scary noise could be heard in almost all of Totanka, except on US 934 north of the county line. Sources likened the noise to a screeching metallic noise that sounded scary for quite some time... at least 3 minutes or so. Given it was a Sunday morning, people weren't usually out and about, but those living close to the train tracks noticed the large train stopping at the yard. It then crashed, and a huge monster came out, and some kids were filming it just like in the movie Super 8. Sources driving the train said they left it running from Billings, with nobody driving it. Denzel Washington mysteriously showed up, along with Chris Pine, and the two were able to successfully stop the train in Bismarck before it crashed, and then got back on the tracks and made their way to Jamestown, where a certain disaster would have happened, because cows were crossing the tracks, apparently. This terrible news report contains a lot of content from the APoo newswire, and FXFM 104.2 Totanka, the only pirate radio station.

A photographer takes a photograph of a building, and everyone who sees it agrees it's cool.

Lexington, Nebraska (Pigbutt Town Media)

9-17-11- originally published on 6-22-11 but the date was fibbed, who cares though, right?

Since we've got the best news in town, and we own the entire city, you'd better stop looking at those other news sites and read ours, because we're accurate and we have the best breaking news this side of Lexington. Yesterday, an event was held that we didn't cover, but we'll steal it anyway. There was a big concert out at some manure farm out on Big (*#@ road in Lexington yesterday. Over 2 bands performed during the afternoon. Our veteran photographer, James Voyeur, was on the scene and snapped an awesome picture that will make your head explode when you see it. Seriously, look at that photo! Do it now! Don't make us come down there and open your eyes. Remember, we own this town. Those other radio stations in Lexington suck balls. Pigbutt Town Media contributed to this report. Duh!

REO Speedwagon Song Causes Incident

Forededin, Ohio (The Gossip Poster)

6-21-2011

A local man (name not released by the police) has been booked for attempting to climb a local hill in his boxer shorts. Earlier this morning, police responded to Moon Hill and encountered the man attempting to jump off the hill. "He was sleepwalking," Deputy Doofy reported. The man was singing the REO Speedwagon song "In My Dreams" when he was jumping. "We climb, and climb, and at the top we fly, let the world go on below us, we are lost in time, and I don't know really what it means, all I know is that you love me... in my dreams," said the man. Fans of REO supported the man's release from jail this afternoon, with lighters held high and REO's greatest hits blasting over a nearby car stereo. The Gossip Poster was on the scene within minutes, thanks to our BS-Scanner. - James Fuggoo.

Yahoo! Mail Times Out; Refuses to Load. It's the end of the world!

Santa Clara, California (Rich A-Hole Reporter)

6-21-2011

Yahoo! Mail refused to load this evening, causing a major rift in the space-time continuum. Local scientist E. Brown commented on the outage with a simple reply... "Great Scott!" The website was not loading either, causing mass hysteria across the internet, leading to Harold Camping (who predicted last month's failed end of the world) proclaiming this event as the start of the rapture. Meanwhile, a guy listening to the Mask Soundtrack, while trying to work, complained that his pet cat was quivering his tail with the music. Yahoo! representative Tom Dingberry tells the RAR, "What the heck is wrong with your computer? Yahoo! is working fine on our end." Rich A-Hole Reporter apologizes for the badly pixelated image included with this story. Windows 2000 sucks!

Local Time Traveler Finds Out When Music "Started Sucking"

Ningular, Alaska (Can't Spell Bulitten)

6-21-2011

George Bell Punnett, a resident from down on the bayou, out in the street, has reportedly been time-traveling lately. He says he has figured out when music "started sucking". He pins the year as 1999, when the music industry started producing "more and more crap." Punnett explains that when "cookie-cutter" artists like "Britney Spears" started becoming popular, it was then that music as a whole started its downward trend into oblivion. George tells the Can't Spell Bulitten "this news story has way too many quotes in it, and not a lot of substance." He says he built his time travel device out of a 1995 Toaster/Refrigerator.

Tingling Cat Protests Cat Box Not Being Changed

San Negro Blanco, California (KFRT-FM 101.3)

6-20-2011

You've heard it before from LNG Radio, the cat now famous for waking up his owner, has done it again. In an unprecedented display of force against his owner, Milozart has now violated Beatcode 1-4-3 by tipping over his cat box. "I did it because (he) didn't change it, I was digging in my own feces," said Milozart. Owner Richard Waterford enforced a beat for the violation, despite protests from cats at the San Negro Human Society up near the KFRT Radio Studio. An all-beat alert was issued for cats nationwide after the incident, but it was in effect for only 10 minutes. Meanwhile, Milozart continues to tingle and quiver, and it still drives Richard nuts.

RADIO STATION SUES LISTENERS/COMPETITION

Lexington, Nebraska (Bounty Crounty)

6-8-2011

We reported to you yesterday that Pigbutt Town Media was planning on filing a lawsuit against listeners of the other radio networks in town and the state, including those stations that are received from farther away distances during the night. The station has just reported to the Bounty Crounty that the lawsuit goes toward district court #6 today, to be heard by Judge Holdanega Down III. "We can't stand by while these other radio companies are taking away our listeners," said owner Kim Jong Il. "They don't have the right to be in [Lexington]. We were here first," he continued, "those other guys were a joke, and now they're kicking our a$$. It's not fair. I want more money."

NO RELIEF IN SIGHT FOR DAMAGED POT HOLE

Dingle, Rhode Island (Nylon Penny Saver)

6-8-2011

A pothole on East South West 3rd Street, about a mile from Quahog's city hall, has been pounded lately by speeding traffic, and it wants some relief. City of Dingle Streets Manager Bates Master says the traffic along 3rd just keeps increasing and increasing daily. "We can't seem to allow it to settle and be by itself," she says. The pothole complained of cracking and stated it needed lotion to fix its bad skin. The pothole commented to the Penny Saver, "it puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again." If you see any other disgruntled pot holes, contact the Pothead Patrol at 1877-UCB-GUAY.

AT WAKES UP THE OWNER, MAKES HIM MAD

San Negro Blanco, California (LNG Radio)

6-8-2011

A cat named Milozart lives in a one-bedroom apartment on BrooksWasHere Street. He usually isn't that much of a pain, but lately his owner has been complaining to LNG Radio that he has been waking him up earlier and earlier in the morning. "The cat does this really weird meow, that sounds dramatic, and then jumps on me, waking me up," owner Richard Waterford says. "I swear I'm going to put on my super arm one of these days," he says. Meanwhile, nothing else happens other than Milozart knocking over trash cans, and meowing nonstop about needless things. "He tingles a lot," says Richard, "it drives me nuts!"

RADIO STATION HOLDS CONTEST... NOBODY SHOWS UP

Lexington, Nebraska (Bounty Crounty)

6-7-2011

Local radio conglomeration Pigbutt Town Media held a county-wide contest over the weekend in which nobody showed up. The contest featured several major country acts, including George Sidewayz, And Kenny Chestnut. The radio station says they don't understand why nobody came. "We advertised it heavily; in fact, it was the one commercial we had running all week," says manager Kim Jong Ill. "I blame it on those other guys [Not Stuck On Ourselves Radio Broadcasting Inc] for taking away our audience. In fact, I plan on suing the listeners for tuning to their stations. It's all about the money. We don't give a rats *@@ about the listener," said Kim. If that is any indication, it's no wonder nobody showed up. Pigbutt Town Media owns 10 stations in the city, 4 of which use an FCC loophole to broadcast HD-2 channels, since the only HD radio in the county sits in Kim's office. Wasted technology ioho.

MAN WATCHES A-TEAM RERUN, THINKS IT'S REAL

Gheyerstown, Oregon (Dying Media Press)

6-6-2011

We usually don't report this kind of breaking news because breaking news doesn't happen in Gheyerstown. Word from the Fharts Household is that Tom Fharts was watching channel 5 the other day, and they were showing a rerun of The A-Team. It was the episode where the lady was kidnapped off the jet ski when she could have easily outrun the helicopter by turning around and going the other way. It was also the episode where something randomly had to do with a judge, and some guy winked at another guy, and it was like... gay! Tom says he found the scene with the lady on the jet ski so real that he reached out to his television to stop the helicopter, but it didn't work. Tom says, "I don't understand. She wouldn't listen to me."

TOILET OVER FLOWS INTO BASEMENT

Casper, Wyoming (APoo)

6-6-2011

Earlier this morning at approximately 3 AM, at an address near Popular Street, reports from neighbors were sketchy that a massive explosion had ripped through part of the neighborhood. Firefighters were on the scene investigating the cause of the explosion, but no evidence of any explosion had been found. Chief SloFlatch from the Casper Fire Department reported to the APoo that a bathroom on the 2nd floor of a house behind Sunrise Shopping Center had overflowed after the homeowner had relieved himself. "The homeowner told us he didn't know what to do, water was spilling everywhere... [he] didn't have a plunger, so the water had nowhere else to go but down," says First Officer Somman Baulz.

A tree falls in the woods, RABBIT HEARS

Mustybutte, Arkansas (Musty Butte Steamer)

6-5-2011

Back on Route 56 near the highway split, there was a tree that fell into the roadway last Saturday night. The tree was one of those that look like big leaves, and provides a lot of shade for picnics or people who like shade and trees. Radio station KFKU 950 said over the radio today that the tree didn't cause any damage to the roadway, because nobody was around to be damaged by it. The legend says if a tree falls in the woods, does anyone hear it? Since no one alive was around, a local rabbit that makes its home near the fallen tree commented on the radio that he had heard it. "It definitely made a sound," said the rabbit. "It scared me for a little bit, but I knew I was okay, because I ran fast." Crews from the Bunhol County sheriff's office say they will remove the tree as soon as they can get their vehicle started.

All news on this website is obviously fake. The opinions and articles do not represent anyone but the writer. They are solely for entertainment and should not be taken seriously. The author is not liable for hurt feelings or your inability to accept the truth. The author is also not liable for slander, libel, or words you've never heard in the bible. You're so vain, you probably think these articles are about you!

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