Softly, I padded my way down the wooden stairs, sidestepping the spaces that I learned groaned under pressure. We had all gone to bed quite late the night before, and I did not want to rudely wake Maria and Liam. I shuffled to the kitchen and began making a pot of coffee, hoping the smell was a subtle way to wake them both. As the coffee machine spit and sputtered and leaked the liquid into its pot, I opened the fridge and inspected what was inside. Deciding I was not ready to eat, I grabbed the caramel almond creamer and found my favorite mug inside the cluttered cabinet.
After pouring my coffee, I made my way to the balcony, swiftly picking up the soft knitted blanket on the back of the couch and wrapping its warmth around me. I nudged Hershey out the way as he tried to squeeze through the door behind me, knowing he would bark at the seagulls all morning long if we let him. Picking my favorite seat on the balcony, the one I knew got the most sun, I settled into it, tucking my feet under my bum for the extra warmth. The air was crisp yet still, and the sun peeked through the clouds as it burned off the fog and morning dew. My eyes followed the flips and dives of the seagulls, watching them occasionally catch a herring. I was so deep in my trance that I hardly noticed the shuushh of the slide door. Turning swiftly, my eyes met Maria in her pajamas. Her long red hair was in a lopsided bun and her eyes were soft with sleep.
“Good morning, Sunshine! How’d you sleep?” I asked as she dropped into the chair.
“Once I yelled at Liam to turn over so he’d stop snoring, I slept fine.”
I giggled, knowing that Liam snored like a broken train.
“Good,” I said. “I was worried that I would wake you too early.”
“Not at all. I forgot to turn off my alarm that I set during the week. This is about the time I would usually be up anyway,” she said through a yawn. “I’ll be right back. I am going to go grab coffee and a sweatshirt. Are you hungry, Amelia?”
I glanced at my phone, reading 7:45am, and decided I should eat. “Yeah, I could eat. Nothing too heavy though,” I said.
Maria slipped through the door, fighting Hershey off from escaping. I fell back into watching the dance of the birds, laughing when one landed too fast on a rock and ended up falling off. My phone buzzed beside me, my mum’s ID popping up, underneath read, How’s it going with Maria and Liam? Everything okay? I rolled my eyes, knowing that this was her subtle way of being nosey but trying to come across as casual. My fingers raced across the keyboard as I typed, Yes, Mum, everything’s fine. Don’t worry! Xo. Quickly she sent back a heart emoji with a smiley face. I sighed and put away my phone. In no time, my mind began to race. I knew the only reason Mum was so worried was because she herself hadn’t seen Maria in over six years, and she was always worried about her. They never spoke on the phone or texted, and the only interaction between my family and Maria was the occasional birthday or Christmas card. I never knew why Maria cut our family off. Every time I brought it up, she’d said the distance was hard or that she was too busy at the rehab to visit. When I asked about coming to see her, I was shocked that she agreed to it.
The door slid open and Maria stepped onto the balcony, this time with her fuzzy penguin socks and slippers on, adorned in Liam’s oversized college sweatshirt. Carrying a bowl and a mug, she slid the door shut and slowly walked over to me. The sight of her mug made me realize that I had neglected my own. I finally took my first sip of coffee and let it warm my throat.
“What is in the bowl?” I asked.
“Your favorite combo,” she said, presenting it as if were an award. I looked inside and smiled at the sight of pretzels and dark chocolate chips.
“Can I marry you now?” I joked.
“Hey, if Liam takes any longer to propose, you just might!”
I played it as joke, but I couldn’t help but wonder if Liam was getting ready to pop the question. He hadn’t been rude to me at all, just the opposite, really, but I got the sense that I was getting in the way of something.
Maria and I both fell into silence as we downed handfuls of handfuls of pretzels and chocolate. There was so much I wanted to know and so little that I felt comfortable asking. We were getting along so well, and the last thing I wanted to do was ruin that.
Watching the sailboats drift by and admiring the whales that would briefly breach the surface, I finally asked Maria what her favorite thing to do was as a kid. She explained how she loved it when her mom and dad would take her and her siblings, my mum included, on a drive to appreciate the leaves changing color throughout Southern Canada. I smiled knowing that my Mum and Dad did the same thing with me and my sister growing up.
That one question led to others, and soon we fell into hours of talking about family events and all the stupid things my uncles did over the years. We only paused when someone got up to refill the bowl of snacks or to make tea. At around 10 a.m., Liam and Hershey joined us on the balcony, the latter scurrying a few feet before Liam grabbed him by the collar and settled into the chair next to Maria, and Hershey finally jumped up onto my lap for cuddles.
Again, a silence fell between us. This time, I was feeling bolder. I would not let it last. Focusing on the fine curly hair on Hershey’s back, I spoke up, but I didn’t look anyone in the eyes. I wasn’t that bold.
“Maria, why did you leave?” I asked softly.
A long wave of tension passed, and no one moved, not even Hershey. Finally I glanced at her and she looked deep in thought, pain on her face.
“I’m surprised no one told you yet,” she half whispered. “Do you remember Gammy’s brother Matthew? Your great uncle?”
“Kind of? But he died when I was ten, so I don’t remember him very well.” I said, my brow furrowing as I searched my memory.
“Well, when I was thirteen or fourteen, he came to live with us at Gammy and Poppa’s. He had filed for divorce from his wife and needed a place to stay. Poppa decided to clear out the basement so Matthew could have a space of his own.”
She paused, her breath faltering slightly, and Liam placed a supportive hand on her knee. “After a few weeks or so, my cousins came to visit, too. We all went on a lot of day trips to the zoo, the theme park, and for hikes. It really was a lot of fun. I enjoyed spending time with his daughter, cousin Milena. We were close in age and had a lot in common. I thought I had made a friend.”
Maria remembered that they had come home from a day at the aquarium and the adults sent the kids outside to roast marshmallows, an excuse so they could smoke and play cards without the guilt of bad parenting creeping over their shoulders. It was Maria’s idea to play Manhunt. She was bored of the smoky smell from the fire and the sugary glaze of the marshmallow on her hands and wanted to have some fun.
“Girls against boys!” Milena shrieked as the cousins assembled. That pitted Milena, Maria, and Sophie against Mike, Josh, and Jackson. The girls ran as far as they could into the woods surrounding the backyard. Milena climbed a tree, Sophie hid behind the old shed, and Maria ran farther and hid in the old treehouse. She held her breath for a long time, afraid it would give her away. She heard the giggles and screams of Milena and Sophie as one of the boys chased them. Soon there was a noise coming from the floor door, and a shadow of a boy appeared.
“OK, you got me, Mike,” she laughed as she made her way to the floor door to climb down.
Mike was grinning, but he didn’t return her laugh. Instead he pushed her onto her back and pinned her hands above her head. Maria could still feel the pain of his nails digging into her wrist like talons sinking into a mouse. She wiggled and kicked her legs to get him off, but he was older and stronger. He leaned forward and his hot breath danced in Maria’s ear as he told her that if she made a noise, he’d kill her. A chill so strong and deep rattled Maria, and for as long as she lived, she would never forget that voice. The shock paralyzed her, and she laid there still as stone as he ripped her jeans off and penetrated her, her own cousin, the big brother Milena said she could always count on. Maria’s eyes stung with tears and her throat felt like she had swallowed fire. When he finished, he told her never to tell anyone, or he would tell them she was lying. His word against hers. She thought about calling his bluff, and then thought of her new friendship burned on a pyre of hatred.
Fifteen years had passed, and Maria had never told a soul about what happened that night. Some nights in her sleep she could feel his nails in her skin and hear him whisper those words to her.
“I kept that secret every day for fifteen years. I never told anyone. One day I was talking to Milena, and she told me how at a frat party and a guy touched her when she didn’t want to be touched. He had held her up against a wall and kissed her so she couldn’t scream. Thankfully her friend had seen her and walked over and saved her from god knows what. I told Milena I knew what she had felt and how scary it was to be in a situation like that. I wasn’t going to say anything else, but she questioned me. She wanted to know why I hadn’t said that I’d been through something like that. Finally I broke down and told her the whole story. She consoled me and encouraged me to go to the police, but I knew they wouldn’t do anything, not after fifteen years. She asked me who it was and I told her, and…it nearly broke her in half. She didn’t believe me at first, called me a liar, but then she put so much together that she witnessed since we grew up, the way that Mike talked about his girlfriends, the way that he always made a face when someone mentioned me. I finally told my parents, who told your parents, who told the rest of the family. No one believed me. They all told me I had to have been wrong.”
“But Amelia, I know that it was Mike,” she said as she stared at the ground. “Mike raped me.”
I sat in silence, trying to process what she was saying, but my brain seemed to be malfunctioning. I didn’t understand. How could this have happened? Did Mum and Dad not believe her either?
I looked at her with tears welling in my eyes. I pushed them down hard, but my throat burned with a fiery fierceness. I was angry that no one had protected her, and I was sad she felt she had to leave us all, and finally frustrated that for all these years I was in the dark.
“How could they have not believed you? Why would you lie about something like that? How….it wasn’t your fault!”
I was blubbering, speaking a mile a minute as the tears fell. Finally, I nudged Hershey off of my lap, kneeled in front of Maria, hugged her so tightly and held it for a few seconds. When I pulled back a little, I looked her in the eye and saw the relief wash over her.
“You should have never had to keep that secret. Hell, you should have never gone through it in the first place. I am so sorry.”
“Thank you.” she said, shedding tears of her own.
We hugged once more, and that was when I finally remembered Liam had been sitting there all along. I had been so caught up in focusing on Maria and trying to process everything, that his presence was forgotten. I glanced over at him and saw love, pain, and happiness in his eyes as he looked at both of us. She must have told him, I thought. He knew and he believed and stood by her, further proof of their match.
“I am going to go make some brunch,” he said at last. “All this crying has got to have made one of you hungry.” He gathered the mugs and bowl and whistled for Hershey to follow him.
I stared out over the ocean, still trying to make sense of everything, thoughts sloshing in sync with the waves. I turned back to Maria, expecting more tears, but instead, she seemed at peace. It was a peace I wasn’t ready to share. I still had plenty of uncomfortable questions, for my parents this time rather than for her, but no matter what answers I received, I promised myself that I would never let Maria feel so alone again.