Tina Kedasih Diary 03/04/2022

Mrs Fix It Is Broken...

Dear Diary.

I have therapy in the morning, and since I pretty much know what she is going to say when she reads about B and his attitude at work.. accompanied by my fear of him losing his job and me having to fall back into Miss Fix it mode..

She is going to say that I need to have a talk with him... I need to tell him my concerns and let him know my mind space...

So tonight when he got home he first asked if I got to paint today... It is all I talked about this morning.. I was going to clean my space, and simply paint. I thought I would make a table trivot along with a set of coasters. A friend at work has been requesting some with a sunflower theme..

I have trouble with sunflowers.. Not only because they are harder to paint than they look, but also because seeing them reminds me of my daughter..

I'm not gonna get into that story right now.. Mentally I just can't..

But.. My friend said that she would pay a pretty penny so I thought I could use the day to work on them. It didn't happen.

I have been just so tired and overwhelmed lately... Every little thing is setting me off.

So he asked if I at least did the dishes............

Nope.

The only thing I was able to do.. is fold the laundry, make my bed..and order favor for dinner. After that.. I was just too tired to even stand. I needed a shower but I will just have to take one in the morning.

Anyways.. B came in and started ranting about work and how he got into it with the boss..and the boss made some snide comment about maybe b should look for another job...and blah blah blah...

I began to feel Anxiety take hold of me again..so I stopped him.. literally shushed him with my my fingers over his mouth.

I told him that he needs to be careful...

I told him that I have seen this behavior in him before, and it never ends well.. especially for me.

I made it clear that I do not have the strength to jump in and take the role of Mrs Fix It... I'm exhausted, I'm hyper emotional, my head is all over the place... I cannot do this again. I am broken..

His voice got real soft..and he told me he isn't going to get fired. I told him very sternly.. "Make sure you don't.".... Yes Ma'am...

He has never replied to me like that before..ever.

I hate being called ma'am..but in this instance it kinda felt good. I actually took a full breath.

Again, I am going to call this progress.

Being able to verbally state when I am struggling to cope with something..is something that I have never had the strength to do. I'm proud of me for that.

I'm noticing that the word progress is coming up a lot in these entries. It is not something that I have talked about with my therapist.. I am just trying to pin point some positive parts of my life that right now seems so chaotic.. Another new word...

I never considered my life as being chaotic before. But as I was trying to tell my friend at work about everything going on...I was met with her reaction of her cupping my face..and saying.. "Man your life is chaotic.. You really need to get a grip on this before you fly totally off the deep end."

Yikes..talk about a wake up call. But after looking through my entries here, and making notes of my moods and emotions.. Chaotic is putting it rather nicely.

I suppose I just never realized it before because I have lived in it for my whole life.. For as long as I can remember.. Being abused, Keeping secrets of abuse, hiding sexuality.. hiding feelings..both in and out of the closet..hiding thoughts and emotions.. It's killing me...

I held a knife to my wrist today...

No.. I had no plan or thought to hurt myself. But I did wonder.. If I were just to suddenly disappear. Would any one even notice or care? I mean beyond the missing person in dish room. They may miss me because I am good at my job and following all the procedures. But I am fully replaceable, and I know it.

At home? Who the fuck knows.. We call ourselves a family.. but are we? In public it's a show. Birthday cake and barbecues, smiles and jokes tossed across the room, Pokemon Go and Mario Kart.. It's just a freaking show.

At home... It's total silence for the most part.

We stay in our designated spaces unless on occasion we decide to watch a movie, or we need to vent about the stupidity of our jobs.

We all need our separate spaces.. We drive each other crazy... Togetherness is not good for us. It keeps us trapped and it immobilizes us to where we can't even find hope in moving forward.. There's no fucking air in here..

You want to know another word that has come up that I didn't really know was harbored inside of me until recently?

Loneliness...

I thought I was good. I didn't need anyone. Batteries take care of the physical need and that leaves me free to do whatever it is that I want to do. I don't have to answer to anyone.. I can stretch out across my whole bed, take all the covers..or kick them off. No one is going to care. No one is going to snore in my ear, or wake me with icy feet. I'm good.

I don't need love.. I felt love once and it left me in pieces. It's become a word of pain that I don't know how to heal.. If I even can heal.

Apologies were made, understood and believe me.. forgiven 1000%.

Shit happened that was terrible and beyond anyone's control. No one is at fault here.

But damage was done.. more than I like to admit.. because here I am at 3am knit picking my every flaw wondering why I am not enough.. and the only reason I can think is..

I am 6 to 8 inches to short.

I shouldn't be writing..

I am hyper emotional at 3am, and I haven't been sleeping well under all the pressure of work and long fucking hours.

When I clock in tomorrow.. I will have 36 hours... Out, somewhere around 45 to 48... Then I still have to get through Wednesday. At that point I quit counting..

I need to bring myself down..

I need sleep...