"When you help, you see life as broken. 


When you fix, you see life as weak. 

When you serve, you see life as co-creation. 

When you offer, you see life as gratitude."

-Rachel Remen / Nipun Metha 

:)

Asking for money has never been comfortable for me. Working in a non-profit organization, this is a skill that I aspire to cultivate in order to properly resource the organizations I serve. Interestingly, I have no issue with asking people to volunteer their time, which in some ways is more valuable. 

The bodily sensations that arise are rising tension and a sense of retreating. This low level fear stems from some sense that I would damage a relationship by asking, and that not asking would help me avoid potential rejection. There is also an element of some personal inadequacy for having to ask in the first place. Cultivating relationships with these states are now part of my contemplative practice, and this article covers how I am exploring this topic.  

Before the stories that I tell myself, and the emotions that flood my heart and mind, there is the affective sense of pleasentness, unpleasentness or a neutral state which is better described as neither pleasent nor unpleasent. I am in the early stages of studying the concept of Vedanā in a Buddhist context which unpacks these embodied ideas. 

"Vedanā are not emotions. They’re just this hedonic tone of pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral. Emotions are rather states of mind. Another possible shortcoming is to reduce vedanā only to the bodily component. Vedanā is by definition both bodily and mental. It’s the link between body and mind. There can be vedanā of the body – if I hurt myself and then experience physical pain. On the other hand, somebody might say something unpleasant about me. The ear is not in pain – it’s the mind that is in pain. This is a mental feeling. If you want to get the full potential of contemplation of vedanā, it would be good to be aware of both bodily and mental feelings, without narrowing it down to only one or the other."

- Bhikku Analyo 

The exploration began with a framework of intensions:

1. Could I better understand my unpleasent sense tones? 

2. Could I build a relationship with my reactions to all affective tones?
3. Could I learn to ask for money in a direct but relaxed way?

Underpinning all these explorations is the understanding that there are no answers, simply a motivation to cultivate a better relationship with a part of myself. Simultaneously I wanted to learn how to choose people who have the capacity for honesty, and learn how to help them feel comfortable and un-obligated within my request. Part of this multifaceted exploration includes the idea of letting go of linear relational thinking.  

"If you want money ask for advice, 

If you want advice and ask for money." 

My tendancy when I approach asking is to default to a transactional state of being. You help me, I help you. However this is a low bandwith engagement with life. Indirect reciprocity is more in line with the natural world, where each node exsits for and because of the other.

Bees and flowers exemplify a non-transactional relationship within a wider ecosystem. Bees facilitate cross-pollination while seeking nectar, supporting plant diversity, which sustains organisms and contributes to overall ecological balance. Fruits, seeds, and nectar produced by flowers serve as a vital resources for numerous species, emphasizing the intricate web of life.

Going back to fundraising, moving away from transactional relationships requires the cultivation of equinamity. I have an intuition that this is a more fulfilling way to live, as it leads us to other webs and circles: concentric circles, nested circles, spirals, and unnameable connections that take on a life of their own. I believe that contemplative training is the key to making these logical intellectual ideas part of embodied practice and eventually a way of being and living in the world. By working at the Vedanā level, the narratives that feed my self-limiting beliefs can be explored at the stage of conception in my body and mind. 

“When something is just about to arise in the mind, but before it has fully manifested – even before you could say it or type it out in words – when it’s still just beginning to come up, at that time a particular feeling is already there. And if I’ve trained myself in recognizing the distinction between a worldly and an unworldly feeling, alongside training in contemplation of the mind, at that time I can actually realize what’s happening even before it fully arises.

You can feel the arising of sensual desire even when it just starts, before the concept of chocolate cake has fully formed in the mind. Or say it’s irritation or anger – you can feel it before the mind starts to roll into, “So-and-so shouldn’t have said this, and next time I’m going to . . .”

Before all this starts, there’s first an arousing of anger, which has a very clear and distinct feeling to it. If at that moment I can recognize what is happening – and I can only recognize it through feeling at this early stage – I can nip it in the bud. Before the whole thing starts to formulate itself and rationalize itself it’s much easier to stop it – to stop it right there and then. This is how contemplation of feeling – and specifically this aspect of worldly and unworldly – can be a big boost for cultivating wholesome states of mind and avoiding unwholesome states of mind. We can meet them and recognize them when they’re still very weak and before they have gathered strength in the mind.”



- Bhikku Analyo 

I know that I have a lot of work to do to undestand this at the deepest levels, but I'm on the road to discover these ideas within my own experiential understanding. Nipun Metha's work has been a source of inspiration too. He describes three forms of relationships: beggarly, friendly, and kingly. Beggarly relationships are very loose, cheap, and shallow. They are filled with expectations, and everything is transactional. Friendly relationships have less expectations but are still filled with attachments, some unconcious. And then there's kingly relationships, which are rooted in service and altruism. 

For those reading this who want to go on their own journey to explore this, here are some key takeaways:

Practice self-reflection: Take time to reflect on your own feelings and attitudes towards asking for help or resources for others. Identify any limiting beliefs or negative emotions that arise.

Deep Contemplative Training: Work with the exploration of Vedanās on the cushion and try and observe the bare affective quality of an experience and observing the stories (and actions) that grow quickly from them. 
Explore the world of interdependence. 

Set intentions: Before approaching someone for help or resources, set an intention to approach the situation with equanimity and with open curiosity.


Choose the right people: Be selective in choosing who to approach for help or resources. Look for people who have the capacity for an honest and mature response.


Focus on service: Instead of focusing on what you can get from a relationship, focus on what you can offer. Approach relationships with a mindset of service.


Embrace indirect reciprocity: Practice giving without expecting direct reciprocity. Trust that your giving will create a ripple effect and benefit others in ways you may not even be aware of.


Practice equanimity: Cultivate a sense of equanimity in your interactions with others. Approach relationships with a sense of detachment and without expectations, while still being compassionate and caring.

- - - - -

With Gratitude To:
Daniel Cordaro 

Nipun Metha
Bhikku Analyo
Nikki Mirgafori