State Management

State is the emotional and mental frame that underlies all communication. Being aware and managing the state will have an impact on tone, sincerity, demeanour and clarity of thought. When listening and speaking, delivery is as important as content. 

Listening Principles

Move past immediate judgement and be curious. 

Try to sit for a minute or two to listen and observe. 

Don’t jump to problem solving mode for as long as possible. 

Observe your state and be aware of judgement in body language and tone. 

Listen from their frame of reference, not yours. 

Listening Tools 

Open Ended Questions - Questions that allow them to flesh out their thoughts & feelings. 

Mirroring - Repeating the last few words they say with a curious intonation. 

Summary - Summarising their situation to see if your understanding is correct. 

Labelling Feeling - Identifying and clarifying your interpretation of their state. 

Open Ended Questions 

What

How

When

Who

Where

Why - Use carefully as it can seem judgemental. 

Levels of Listening 

Intermittent Listening - You are not listening, but pretending to. 

Listening to Challenge - You are waiting to make your point.  

Listening with Logic - You are trying to understand them from your point of view. 

Listening with Emotion & Logic - You are trying to understand them from their point of view. 

Empethetic Listening - You meet them where they are and feel with them. 

What gets in the way? 

Not letting them speak fully, jumping to conclusions. 

Not leaving enough space for silence in case there is more on their mind. 

Trying to solve their problem when they never asked. 

Highjacking conversations to go down your path, instead of following theirs. 

Thinking you are right, and making the conversation about your point of view. 

Not acknowledging their reality and finding their deeper feelings or motivations.

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“A fool tries to convince me with his words, a wise man shows me with my own.”