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You'd shit yourself trying to believe that
That's what Shirou would have done
Unfortunately, he was too high to care
And now he was being chased by a discount Van Helsing hellbent on piercing him with arrows after he's penetrated his blue spandex sex partner at the school
This situation was oddly familiar...
As he ran toward his house, Shirou kicked open the door and swatted away his pipe collection
"Fuck you Shinji pipe. Why are you always the one covered in shit the most when all you did was being blue?"
"What? No, get out of the way mr Pipe Lawyer! I swear the other pipe is 18 months old and that means she is legal for fluid transition!"
"No, lady pipe. Maybe mr Pipe wouldn't had had his pipe piping pied by another piped piper if I haven't caught you trying to have sex with the plumber"
Let it be said that Emiya is not exactly a normal boy, and that these interactions were in no way the author's intepretation of the FSN routes whatsoever
Shirou stumbled through the house. He reached his hand out in an effort to find something to defend himself with
His hand grabbed a pair of plastic pipes.
"Ha!" Shirou let out a cocky smirk, raising the tools in twin combat sword stance he'd once seen those on anime do
Not a moment later a red arrow ripped cleanly through the pipes. Archer's cocky smirk almost mirrored his previous one as he lowered his bow
Shirou calmly threw his broken weapon away
Well
He's fucked. Both literally and metaphorically
But Shirou's still have a final trump card. One could say it's not a trump card, but a floppy flip of a coin that may or may not work due to the arbitrary operation of Fate
Plot armor. It is something he discovered just the night before
He believe in the universe's treatment of VN protagonists, and most importantly, he believe in the power of fate. As long as his chance of victory is not under 0%, reality itself would bend to his adantage
His dream of being a hero of justice...cannot die here yet
"OOOOhhhhhhh" He roared
Magic intertwined. The world weaved and spun
The shack exploded into a vibrant gold under his shout. The man's eyes widened as he let loose a barrage of arrows toward him
But he was too late
The World of Swords inside him called out, and a king answered
Ethereal blonde hair fluttered in the moonlight, swarming his vision
The woman raised her blade, deflecting Archer's arrow just as it was about to hit him. A small shockwave blew up from the impact
She positioned her blade forward and stood there with a posture befit royalty, an aura of natural grace surrounding her
"Servant, Saber has been summoned. I ask of you, are you my Master?"
"..."
"oh God there's now one more of them"
S&M, cosplay, swordplay, princess, European, knight. The amount of kinks on this chick makes the spear man seems tame in comparison
He had misread Tohsaka. She wasn't a good person at all. If she was, she wouldn't be the host of such an abominable sex club, and she most definitely wouldn't invite him to that foursome between them
He looked at the woman, before shaking his head
Make that a fivesome
"I ask of you the second time, are you my master?"
"I'm afraid you have the wrong client, miss call girl"
Normally a figure of medieval time would not be able to understand the slang word, but the knowledge provided by the Grail grants Saber a vivid example of what the teen could mean
If she remember right, call girl would be someone who accept the offer of bed warming over the line of the phone- a communication device she often sees used in the last war. Often time, the services they provide are sexual in nature and require a flat fee for their often high-quality labor
In short, Call girl (noun) = a professional bitch
This red-haired boy had just literally called her a whore
"Excuse me, w-what?" She sputtered, face turning red at the accusation "Did you just call me a lady of the night?"
"All my money had been spent on dinner, and what remains aren't even enough for one hour from you" The boy slowly shook his head
He literally had to eat some kind of root for dinner, Shirou's pretty sure his savings had reached rock bottom at this point
One can live without sex
But not without food. Like shitting and gaming, it's an essential aspect in one's everyday life
"I wonder if she'll accept compensational service..."
At the boy's words, Saber's face reached an interesting shade of red. Her expression turned so red it resembles a cooked tomato more than an actual face
"ENOUGH. I AM NOT THAT KIND OF WOMAN!" She roared, absenmindedly deflecting another shot from Archer with her blade.
The arrow flew back and hit the man in the forehead, causing him to fall back unconscious
"I ask of you the third and final time: Are you my Master or not?!"
Shirou covered his mouth
"Well, yeah...I guess?"
She huffed in indignation and offered him a hand which he accepted. Before the Emiya could thank her, she strut inside his house, leaving him and the incapacitated Archer in the garden
Though if one were to look at her ears as the Servant leave, they'd be burning a shade reddder than before
"Archer, don't kill him yet!"
Rin finally caught up to them
She took a look at their surrounding, only to see Shitou teabagging her unconscious Servant and swatting on his face
"Yeah, how do you like that you smug-faced asshole-"
"Emiya-kun, what the fuck?!"
The story at this point may be confusing, but as all things there are, there exists a certain order in madness
Now there is a lot of things he could say, so he'll start from the beginning
It all happened when he was having a shit
<><><><><><>
Shirou groaned.
Only shitting noises and the splashing of water echoed in the restroom's enclosed space
His stomach hurts. It is nothing less than a raging inferno that burns in the deepest pits of his stomach, hotter than the nine layers of hell
For all intent and purpose, Shirou didn't know eating that Root yesterday would lead to him
Either way, it's even worse than a Taco Bell deluxe experience Shinji often invite him to
It's as painful as a man giving birth
But instead of a baby, there is shit
HE'S GIVING BIRTH TO HIS SHIT
Shirou screamed as pain overtook his rectum
If the toilet underneath Shirou is capable of sentient thoughts at that moment, it would have undoubtedly commit suicide
Thankfully it didn't, because the author would have spent some time vividly describing the object's feelings and get the reader to know just how wonderful being a loo could be for some people
Anyway, the toilet exploded
"What...what just happened?"
He could feel someone just shot out of his anus, and the next moment, a bright light enveloped the toilet. Arcane blasts tore away the surrounding walls, blasting him away and leaving only a gaping hole where the school's WC has been
As the light died down, a golden sheathe floated in front of him, it's light shining down with blinding radiance
He did not know what happened. But...
"Trace. On"
Those were the words Shirou unconsciously muttered
To a normal person, those words would be undecipherable gibberish.
However, to a blade whose sole purpose is to be wield, they are the scripture that contains his entire existence
Fae letters formed in the air. In just moments, informtion flowed into his head. Information that should not have been possible to obtain even if someoen were to dedicate their entire life researching it. They writhed and force themselves into the boy's head as knowledge of the ancient weapon before him was laid bare
A sheathe made at the start of the world, formed as the ultimate crystalization of humanity's hope and preservation. It contained a power that can rival True Magics themselves
He did not know what True Magics are
He did not bother asking
The only thing Shirou cared about at this moment is...he had shitted himself so hard even this Avalon was expelled from his body
Great, now how is he going to explain it to Taiga?
<><><><><><>
Turns out the sheathe has some magical properties that heals people
It is able to grant one immortality, even when they are on the verge of death, as the sheathe is connected to a separate dimension void of such concepts
Impossible! He thought
People are supposed to be dead if they are killed!
But what if they don't? The question plagued his mind. What if human does not, in fact, die when they are killed? Would they even be called dead in the first place if killing them is not a successful endeavor?
No. This is against all possible laws of the universe
Dying lead to death! That's how it has always been!
He took a fistful of the white powder from his pocket and inhale deeply. The chemical from the drugs serve to calm his addled minds, allowing Shirou to carefully think about his situation
Just last night, Rin invited him to a sex party
Maybe he should talk to her about it, convince the girl that such misconducts are inappropriate for her and set the record that Shirou Emiya is not someone who likes it inside the ass
He is not gay, damn it
He's just...sexually inactive...because no one seems to be interested in him before
That is...beside, Sakura, Ayako, and some other girls in class. Now that he think about it, they've been paying extra attention to him lately, too...
...
Oh wow. He really need to get laid
<><><><><><>
Which is why they came to this situation
Shirou Emiya and Rin Tohsaka sat on opposite sides of the table. The Mysterious Hooker seated just behind him with a pissed off look on her face, while the Smug Asshole is content in staying on the roof like the little bitch that he was
"So there's this war"
"Not exactly a war, more like a messy compilation of murder-death-kill"
"And there 's this cup that grant wishes"
"The Holy Grail, to be techinical, but yes"
"And seven pairs of Master and Servants to compete for that"
"...Yes"
So his hypothesis is right! Rin is a closet nymphomaniac trying to start a BDSM orgy between fourteen people to drink upon the holy cum chalice that would fulfill her wish of an eternal global sex spree!
Shirou is high, that much is obvious. However, it is in one's most stupidest moments did their ingenuity shine the brightest
"Then you know there's only one conclusion to this"
The room's temperature plummeted by several degrees. Both Archer and Rin tensed as they felt the seriousness behind the redhead's words. Both of them felt for the first time just how intimidating the boy could be
Right now they are at a disadvantaged, not because of their Servant stats compatibility, but because they know full well Archer won't be able to get a single shot in before Rin is killed
Saber clicked open her sword. The room is only one step away from descending into sudden violence
"I'm going to join" Shirou stated "But usually there is a moderators for these sort of things, don't they?"
"H-how did you know?"
He frowned
"My Emiya sense is tingling"
"That does not even make sense"
In a distance church, Kirei Kotomine suddenly felt a chill down the priest's spine
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