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You take it
That's what Shirou did anyway
And now he's being chased by some weird dude in blue leotard wanting to penetrate him with his Gay Bulge after he caught him clashing poles with another man in red
Said man in red also seems to refer to Tohsaka as "Master" in a very respectful tone. He has tan skin, which wouldn't make sense because that would make him a rebellious Gyaruo, and red coat that makes him look very GAR
How did this happen? Both are fighting when he accidentally dropped the bong rip on the floor. The sound of it shattering must have caught their attention, as it led to him running for his virginity from both men who are chasing him with their "weapons" drawn
Wait, did he just stumbles into Tohsaka's private roleplaying party?
Now that would be awfullly impolite of him. At least Issei wasn't wrong on her being a vixen at heart
Shirou tripped. He fell on the floor
Just in time too, as a red arrow flew past where his head had been just moments ago. Outside the window, the other man clicked his tongue in anoyance
He gave the middle finger to the red coat Archer, who returned it
Nonplussed, he got up and continued running. Could she be sending those men to invite him for a foursome?
In Shirou's mind, that is the only conclusion he came up with that makes perfect sense, and he won't be wrong in a way
"You brat, how the hell did you run so fast!?"
Shirou blitzed across the hallway at speed that would have put an Assassin to shame
He is speed. Nothing can surpass speed
"Fine, be that way...Gae...Bolg!" The Emiya's eyes widened as those words echoed in the hallway
Without consent? All these people for real?
There was a flash of crimson light as reality distorted. A projectile was launched toward him, its power turning the literal fabric of causality open with one strike
Shirou slapped the red spear out of the way
It bounced off the wall and hit the blue spearman by the chest, cleanly stabbing through him
"Kuh. A deflection-type Magecraft?" Cu's eyes widened as he collapsed "Impossible! You can't just reverse causality with a slap. A Servant's power levels eclipsed that of a normal human"
But that is exactly the point
When you are're high as fuck, everything cease to work under normal law of logic in your mind. Things that are normally impossible, becomes possible
That includes power levels
Fuck power levels
So...how did it happen again?
Ah. That's right
It all happened when Santa Claus paid him a visit
<><><><><>
One week ago
The black van crashed through the wall, sending pieces of rubble flying and flipped over the dining table
Shirou watched with dead eyes at his ruined dinner
"Shirou, my boy!" An old, wrinkled face popped out from the car's window. He grinned "Merry Christmas!"
But it's still November
"Who are you?"
"I'm Zelretch Claus, and don't you worry. I'm an old dimension traveller who got bored and is finding something to entertain himself"
"That explains nothing"
"Just know that I don't intend to harm you, and that I'm a good guy who only wants to help children in need!"
Oh. Shirou relaxed. So he's a hero of justice of sort. The crash landing must have been a fluke
Clearly, this Zelretch is a trustworthy fellow
The old man walked out and open the van's door. Inside lay a wrapped package, to which he threw to Shirou
"What is this?"
"Something useful. I figured it would be nice to see a timeline where you weren't fucked over by Servants, Masters, and your own luck, so I made this"
Shirou stared dubiously at the mysterious package
"So...what does it do?"
"It makes you high. There's a 99.92% chance you're going to kill yourself upon comsumption, aside from that, the effect vary" He pulled out a saddle and put it on his car
"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to deliver the rest of this Saint Quartz to that master at Chaldea. She's been a good girl this year"
"Who?"
"You don't want to know"
He opened the door and climbed inside. As Zelretch slammed it shut, he gave the redhead a good-natured wink
"Remember, you could die tomorrow, you could die the day after tomorrow, and the day after that, so dying right now doesn't make that much a difference, does it?"
"See you later, my child. Ho ho ho!"
The van sped forward, crashing through another wall behind him and disappeared into the darkness of Fuyuki.
Shirou blinked. He rubbed his eyes. Blinked again, and rub his eyes a second time
"...Well that was sudden" His attention turned to the mysterious cardboard box on his lap. He opened the package, his eyes narrowed at what lies inside "Hm, salt?"
No, the substance inside seems far too smooth to be the spice. Some kind of powder, perhaps?
Curiously, he wiped some on his finger and licked it. The texture is normal, however, and it doesn't taste that different from your normal-
His world spun
<><><><><><>
And the next thing he know, Shirou was staring at a blank space. Darkness surrounded him, almost all manner of lights seemingly non-existent in this place. Almost
There was nothing around him save for this glowing sphere
Welcome, human, to the Root of all Creations
The voice reverbated around him. He blinked
Did it says root? As in vegetable roots?
To think something could be this plain and sounds that yummy. His stomach rumbled in agreement
We would warn you to leave. Depart this place. It is not for human mind to comprehend the power we possess.
And it is stopping him from cooking it. There's so many dishes that could be made from roots, most of them serves as traditional medicine but also packs quite a lot of nutrition in them. He should know, he'd cooked several of them for Raiga Fujimura before
Shirou desperately want to know just how it'll taste when deep fried. A little paprika, a little Kosher salt, the crispiness would be unparalleled
Leave here, and never return, lest we call upon the Shadows to purge you
"Yummy yum yum" The boy muttered. An idea popped up within his mind. What if, hypothetically, he used this Root to serve as nutritions to last until tomorrow? It won't be the most diabolial thing to do ever since he beat up a kid who supported the villain in Kamen Rider
He know it's kind of wrong, but-
What are you...no
He placed his hands on the ball of light. Shirou opened his mouth, and instantly the thing know what he was planning
Stop, you cannot consume the Root. We are Akasha, the swirl in which all are born and made to exist, even the merest droplets of our knowledge will break you. You can't AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
He swallowed the screaming light ball
Shirou's stomach felt weird. He has to admit a talking ball for dinner is not the ideal food he had in mind. However, currently he is running low on money and the dinner he'd prepared just got crashed by Santa Claus. So..he was left with little choices
Calories are just calories, vegetable root or not
Shirou awake with a headache. The room is still in disarray before him, the walls are torn apart, meaning the encounter last night wasn't just a dream
He checked the clock. The ticking of the hands echoed, their hands pointing out the exact time. It's not even midnight yet
With a sigh, he closed his eyes and went to sleep
In his dream, he saw an Unlimited World of Swords
And amidst the field of swords, lies a single Throne
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