Homecoming

The moment has come. I finally made it home to Bikini Bottom only to have home filled with suitors. With the help of Athena, I devised a plan to drive the suitors out. She disguised me as a beggar so that I could get by unnoticed.

First, I saw my old and trusty jellyfish keeper, Eumaeus, who agreed to show me around. Not recognizing who I was yet, I followed Eumaeus up until we ran into a seahorse keeper, an octopus named Melanthius. Upon seeing me, Melanthius immediately wanted to fight.

"Well, look who we have here. A jellyfish keeper and his unemployable beggar. Worthless Barnacles! You make me sick! If you get anywhere near the royal rock of Patrick I will crush you both with my tentacles!"

Enraged, I almost killed him. Should I yell back and let him know that I am Patrick and that is my rock? Or should I squeeze the ink out from his body and make calamari? I decided neither. I held my tongue and my fists and instead took the insults. We continued on our path towards my Rock.

"Well, we're about here! That there is the home of a hero who has never returned. I know he is still alive though! I sense it," said Eumaeus.

Upon our conversation, a sickly snail lifted up its nose and started sniffing. Here lay old Argos, a dog that I trained since he was just a baby snail. He was the fastest snail there ever was. I just regret that I was not able to continue to raise him. The snail lat on a pile of moss from old rocks and looks like his shell never got cleaned. Recognizing this, I flicked a tear from my face and pointed at the rock in order to divert Eumaeus's attention.

"That's a huge rock!" I said.

"Yes, that is it! It belonged to our wily king, Patrick. He left decades ago to Troy and has not returned yet. Although many people suspect him to be dead, I know he lives on and is trying to get back home! His rock is now ridden with suitors!" Eumaeus said.

"That snail, why does it just sit there? Perhaps he could have a better place to live," I said.

"Oh, that was Patrick's champion snail, Argos. He used to train him when he was a young snail and entered him into some major races. However, since the suitors got here, nobody gives a barnacle's crust about the snail. Interesting, in all my years being here, I've never seen Argos sniff around before. Could he perhaps smell something familiar?" said Eumaeus.

Diverting the question, I decided to walk towards the rock. Sweet Athena closed the eyes of Argos forever.

Next, Telemachus, my son, came and whispered in my ear.

"We must get you inside. I have asked for the old nurse, Eurycleia, to clean you up. She has the the wash basin set out now. I'm going to ask my mother to set the old bow up for her marriage just like you told me!"

Going up the stairs, I met my old wet nurse, Eurycleia. I sat down on a chair and let her wash my feet. Concealing my face, I did not make direct eye contact with her.

"So, stranger, where are you from and how do you know Telemachus? He is such a sweet boy, but his father, whom I nursed since he was a baby, has never returned. Poor Telemachus. He never really knew his father," said Eurycleia as she lifted my leg up.

"I'm from far away and have just by in Bikini Bottom in order to get some krabby patties!" I said.

Suddenly, I realized if she cleans around my leg, she'll recognize... the scar! I jerked my foot back abruptly but it was too late. Eurycleia dropped her wash basin and wept.

"You're finally home... Patrick!" shrieked Eurycleia.

"I'd recognize that scar anywhere. Long ago when you were a kid, you got that while jelly fishing with your cousin! Oh how I have longed for your return!" she continued.

Eurycleia looked at Penelope to try to get her attention, but could not get her attention. Athena had diverted Penelope's attention away. I took my hand and covered Eurycleia's mouth.

"Hush, woman! I will kill you right here and right now! You have raised and nursed me since I was a kid but I will end you if you let Penelope know!" I said to her.

She promised to not tell anybody. Afterward, Telemachus ran up stairs and informed me that the bow was set up. I quickly went down, and prepared to watch the contest. Telemachus greeted all the suitors, who had now made a mess of the house. Stepping over crumbs and empty buns he said in a strong voice,

"The time has come now for my mother to wed! She proposes a final challenge. Whoever can string my father's bow, which has been hanging on the wall since I was a kid, will be the next king of Bikini Bottom!"

The crowd cheered. First, drunken frank, the buff goldfish, got up and took his shot at bending the bow.

"This bow is nothing but chum bucket burgers compared to these patties!" said Frank as he flexed his large golden fins.

Frank grabbed the bow, and attempted to string it, but instead shot himself in the eye. Humiliated, Frank ran away crying. A couple more suitors tried and all failed.

"Is there no one that can string my father's bow? You are all nothing but buckets of chum!" said Telemachus.

I raised my hand and spoke up,

"Let me string it!"

Against all the suitors' wishes, I managed to get up on stage and string it. Surprised and realizing the impending doom, all the suitors at once charged at me.

"Now! Eumaeus, I need your help!" I yelled and we all charged against the suitors.

The suitors were soon defeated. I reunited with my son.

"Dad! Mom is waiting for you in the bedroom!" said Telemachus.

Smiling, I rubbed Telemachus's hair, kissed him on his forehead, and walked up the stairs to my bedroom. Opening the door, I saw my lovely wife facing the window. With tears welling in my eyes, I said,

"I'm finally home... Penelope."

And the doors closed behind me.

The End