Agreements for Engaging in Conflict

Agreements for Engaging in Conflict 

What we bring to the table

We commit to:

• Starting with an assumption of good intent while sharing the impact of the behavior

• Avoiding assigning blame or intentions

• Bringing an open mind

• Practicing empathy

• Seeking understanding

• Acknowledging triggers and working around them

• Being dedicated to finding resolution

How we care for ourselves

We commit to:

• Starting from a grounded and connected place

• Addressing our mental and physical needs before engaging

• Asking for breaks when we feel dysregulated

• Respecting boundaries and needs

• Giving hugs when possible

How we speak and interact with each other

We commit to:

• Kindness

• Active listening

• Using “I statements” where appropriate

• Considering the impact of our words and behaviors

• Managing emotional outbursts

• Holding space for each other’s emotions

• Having grace for mistakes

• Avoiding passive-aggressive communication

• Avoiding verbal and physical aggression (such as yelling or disrespectful language)

How we take responsibility

We commit to:

• Taking responsibility for our part of the conflict

• Avoiding dismissing each others’ concerns

• Giving full attention

• Honesty

• Being clear with our expectations

• Speaking up about the change we want to see and not letting issues fester

• Expecting change only if we engage with the conflict

• Following through on any decisions that are made

• Releasing resentment

Responses to Difficult Behavior

Living with a bunch of people means that we will sometimes have to deal with behavior that we don’t like. These could be really minor things, issues that build all the time, or actions that are scary or dangerous.

Our responses usually fall into one of four categories:

Not engaging: deciding that we don’t need a behavior change and we can overcome our frustration on our own.

Engaging directly: talking with the person to come up with a solution together.

Seeking outside help: getting others in the house or out of the house involved to manage the conflict.

Demanding change: unlike engaging directly, demanding change labels the behavior as problematic from the beginning and insists on a path that gets the behavior to stop.

The chart below offers some examples of actual responses within these categories:

Not engaging

• Ignore or reframe the behavior

• Forgive the incident

• Let go of frustration

• Take a break

• Reflect on why you are upset

• Process with someone who isn’t involved

• Create space with other person

• Engage in a centering activity

• Seek connection with the other person

Engaging directly

• Ask for space

• Share communication needs/wants

• Talk directly about the behavior

• Seek validation for your experience

• Share how the situation makes you feel

• Frame the discussion to ensure everyone can engage well

• Develop accountability plan

• Ask for clarification

• Seek to understand their side of the story

Seeking outside help

• Bring to a discussion at a house meeting

• Request mediation

• Engage by proxy: ask someone to talk to the person on your behalf

Demanding change

• Develop accountability plan

• Demand behavior change

• Ask housemate(s) to move out