HUMOR

“I love Valentine’s Day. When you’re a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It’s like, ‘To Tim, nice pants. Love, Scott.’ It’s valentines galore!” —Mike Birbiglia

“All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card: American Express.” —Milton Berle

“I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.” —Rodney Dangerfield

“Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.” —Jimmy Fallon

 “The 99 Cent Only store is calling itself “Your Valentine’s Day Headquarters.” Guys, if that’s your Valentine’s Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.” —Jay Leno

“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be … well, January.” —Jim Gaffigan

"I love spending Thanksgiving surrounded by all these great friends I met in the Best Buy parking lot." — John Lyon, humorist

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” — Howie Mandel, comedian and AGT judge

“You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, ‘Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.’”- Dylan Brody, humorist

“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” — Robert Brault, author

“Thanksgiving, the day where there’s never enough food. You can’t just have a turkey. No, there has to be a roast beef or a ham too. Or both. It’s the only day we have mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes.” — Lewis Black, comedian

We scoured the internet to find some of the stupidest jokes available.  But, you will not be able to avoid laughing at them!  Or, maybe you will.

What is Forrest Gump’s e-mail password?  1forrest1

Why does Snoop Dog use an umbrella?  For drizzle

Why can’t dinosaurs talk?  Because they’re all dead.

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?  Phillipe Floppe

My new thesaurus is terrible.  Not only that, it’s also terrible.