Cupid's arrows cause love hysteria throughout campus

Pop quiz: what connects the cremated remains of a beheaded beekeeper from Italy and dollar store chocolate plastered with LUV and XOXO? That’s right: everyone’s favorite international celebration of love –Valentine’s Day. 

The figure most synonymous with the holiday, more than cheesy pick-up lines and plastic bouquets, is Cupid. The cherubic harbinger of romance’s annual global archery trip has finally made its way to 6410 S. Dante and, as with most things involving teenage boys and love, it has been nothing short of unbridled chaos.

The first victim of the infatuation infant was none other than the voice of the morning announcements and beloved Merchant writer: Adam Stanislawski. Typically no-nonsense and straight to the point over the intercom, Stanislawski had a little extra to say with a lot of extra passion flowing through his veins.

“You know, I never realized just how sleek the design of my microphone is,” he murmured. “It’s so smooth and shiny despite its ancient age. And it picks up my voice so nicely too. I oughta show the old girl a little extra love today in thanks…” 

When Mr. Bill Nolan  told Stanislawski that the microphone was on, Adam replied, “Let ‘em listen.”

Besides Adam, a handful of others are exhibiting similar symptoms. Seniors are experiencing enhanced love for senioritis, bringing blankets, pillows, and teddy bears for quality sleep. Juniors are more in love with wanting to be seniors, with several going out and (il)legally changing their dates of birth in order to be technically seniors. Finally, sophomores are now utterly obsessed with the idea of becoming relevant. This, however, has not proven fruitful. An air of romance fills the air regardless.

However, the entire freshman class has been struck with Cupid’s arrows, making all of the behaviors they already loved amplified tenfold. Freshmen are now sprinting at Olympic speeds to the lunch line, wearing negative amounts of deodorant, and bucking and flailing their arms at the mention of a certain two numbers like their lives were on the line.

“It’s always great to come around here,” Cupid said. “People’s reactions are so funny. See? That Dean is handing out detention slips with endearing messages to everyone who walks by him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man that happy in his life.”

As time goes on, the effects of the arrows wear off and people return to relative normality. In spite of this, Mr. Nolan seems more in love than ever.

“You can’t talk or feel,” he said to his precious microphone, “but I know you love it when I say the lunch prayer every time. It’s what connects us.”