MC to replace freshman math classes with nap time, combat “rampant crankiness”

The transition from grade school to high school is more often than not filled with new challenges for new students to face. From being surrounded by completely never-before-seen faces to having to give serious thought about academics for once, it is not uncommon to see freshmen struggling to adjust. 

Yet the Class of 2029 has been particularly problematic in their next step in life, becoming “unequivocally cranky” from the increased time investment needed for their academics and extracurriculars. As a result, the school board has decided that the best way to move forward for these youngins is to take a step back: they are welcoming back nap time.

As of this school year, Mount Carmel is replacing every freshman math class with a dedicated nap time in hopes of revitalizing bodies and spirits and making it so the transition from grammar school to high school causes less friction within the new student body. Prior to this change, freshmen were reportedly throwing temper tantrums and rolling crying on the floor in response to things as minor as being told they were incorrect or being assigned any amount of homework that infringed on sleepy time.. 

Ultimately, the goal is to remove this program entirely, with staff hoping this year’s class was a mere anomaly behavior-wise. Many hope that the periodic nap times will subdue them until they are mature enough to not, in the words of math teacher Mrs. Jennifer Smola, “holler and scream in ways Satan himself has never heard from those damned for eternity to suffer endlessly in his lowest ring of hell.” 

“God bless administration” Mrs. Smola remarked, voice quivering, “I don’t know how much longer I can deal with these demon spawn. I mean, on the first day of school I assigned seats, right? Little did I know, those same seats were going to be flung at me moments later in a fit I’ve only seen by those possessed by demons. I feel more and more grateful every single day that my classroom is so near to Mr. Stimler’s. Please keep these kids away from me for as long as possible. I’m begging.”

During the period-long nap time, freshmen are told to meet in the new wrestling room on the second floor–which has been given an additional hundred square feet taken from Mr. Tim Baffoe’s adjacent classroom  to include blankets and stuffed animals–to snuggle up and relax for a good while. Bedtime stories are read and lullabies are sung to aid the sleeping process, but the wrestling team now has complaints about how the sleep is “too good,” as there have been multiple incidents of bed-wetting being reported on the new mats.

“Oh my God.” distraught senior Frank Burke complained. “That wasn’t sweat on the mats?”

This program has been relatively successful so far. Teachers and faculty report a “noticeable improvement” to the behavior of the freshmen.

“There was a hole punched into my wall yesterday from a fit of rage,” Latin teacher Doc Berry mentions, “Only one. It’s a miracle.”

As a result of this positive feedback, students and faculty alike expect freshmen naptime to remain implemented into their schedules as they enjoy their peace and quiet for a little while longer.

“If any of you jerks even dare to touch my sleepy cuddle time, I will get pissy,” freshman Christian Overstreet threatens, “And that don’t mean I’m just gettin’ angry.”