MC completes Phase 1 of turning school into giant wrestling room

Mount Carmel High School recently revealed a plan to expand the wrestling room across the entire main academic building. Already the new wrestling room has encroached upon the classroom of English teacher Mr. Tim Baffoe, shrinking it by six feet. Eyewitnesses report that Mr. Baffoe, upon discovering the plan, stormed into the administrative office to express his displeasure. However, his complaint fell on deaf ears and plans are now full steam ahead. 

“I don’t see what the big deal is with wrestling,” says Mr. Baffoe.  “I’d much prefer a martial arts expansion to one big dojo, creating a culture where I don’t have to constantly remind my students to call me Sensei.”

Because this project will effectively turn MC into one large wrestling mat, the school will be changing its dress codes and supplies. Instead of wearing comfortable khaki pants and Carmel polos, MC students will be required to wear snug fitting singlets and wrestling gloves daily. The tighter the better. Water fountains will be banned across the campus, and no beverages will be offered at lunch time to cut water weight, so students will be required to make weight at a weekly weigh-in to enter the building. 

The air conditioning will be cut off in the Graham-McCarthy Center and Student Commons in the warmer months, and classroom windows will be required to stay closed. The goal is to create that sweaty, musty smell characteristic of the wrestling environment where it is a struggle to even breathe. 

Teachers have different opinions concerning plans for the new wrestling mat expansion. 

“I believe my class will really benefit in a musty environment,” says Spanish teacher  Mr. Giovanni Minicucci. “If they come in everyday and say, ‘Yo, what’s that smell,’ they would have at least spoken one Spanish word this year even if they don’t know what it means.” 

There will be a Phase 2, where the wrestling mat would cover all of 64th Street and Dante Avenue. Students will now be required to drive on the mat, and this will undoubtedly lead to vehicle tires losing traction on the mat’s smooth vinyl surface increasing the risk of already bad student drivers losing control. However, leaking motor oil and dirt from tires will make for a more authentic, grungy mat experience, which the wrestling team loves. 

A ribbon cutting  celebration is planned where the Mother’s Club will be selling “Pinned on Dante” t-shirts and hoodies.