Senioritis spreading rapidly, school desperate for cure 

As the weather continues to stay dreary and sad, so do the spirits of the Class of 2025. Seniors left and right have begun to fall apart academically, and many are racing to try and find a cure for the annual return of senioritis.

Senioritis, a crippling illness that affects seniors around the country every year, is reaching an all time high. Symptoms include increased laziness, tiredness, a general lack of motivation, existential dread, and a longing for summer. Faculty, underclassmen, and even juniors are becoming concerned about the large proportion of seniors who are not coming to school, athletically ineligible due to missing assignments, and/or sleeping all day in class.

The motivation that bolstered the Class of 2025 throughout the last few years seemed to have disappeared–and although the seasonal sickness is not unexpected, the damage it is causing is out of proportion for this early on in the year.

“I believe it’s something in the air, which affects certain work-indifferent persons first,” said Medical Enrichment Club (MEC) moderator Mrs. Emma Norise. “The few that always catch it first generally have weaker ‘dedication’ sectors of the brain, which makes them a little bit feebler when it comes to a sickness like this. For example, senior citizens are more susceptible to COVID-19, and senior students are more susceptible to this.”

Many seniors have begun quarantining within the school, in a vain attempt to separate themselves from their infected classmates. Mr. Glonek’s room, a safe haven for the orderly and hard-working, is the last remaining room that maintains senioritis checks before entering.

“I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get into my AP Environmental Science class this morning,” said senior Michael Schwarz. “They said I was sleeping in class and becoming lazy, but then I reminded them that I’ve been acting like that since freshman year and they let me inside.”

Senioritis is similar to the common cold in its unrelenting and recurring nature and medical science’s inability to cure. While not experienced over and over again by the same students, every year the graduating class feels it to some extent. According to Mr. Bill Nolan, the great Class of ’87 never had anything like this happen, and MC student immune systems have been downhill ever since he graduated.

The MEC in particular has been exploring many different options to help protect seniors from each other and even themselves.

“Masking up, social distancing, these are all great.” says Mrs. Norise. “But the one thing you really can’t beat is a scientifically proven cure. We’ve been looking far and wide for some kind of antidote for their laziness, but unfortunately we’ve only been met with disappointment.”

The MEC has attempted to subject certain infected seniors to a barrage of physical, emotional, and psychological tests. It affects their energy, so stimulants were given to them, resulting in various different outcomes. Some began relying on the caffeine, so much so that seniors like Alex Urban were unable to operate for more than two class periods without it.

The MEC also attempted to emotionally and psychologically manipulate them into wanting to do work but to no avail. “Frued explained mothers pretty well, but he never really got around to this,” said senior Declan Deering, who was attempting to manage his own growing senioritis as he prepares for the rugby season.

Upperclassmen mixed classes have provided an interesting juxtaposition for faculty members. While the junior class is known to be troublemakers, their excitability was still preferred to the disengaged behavior of the seniors. Mr. Tony Vazquez commented that during Junior IMPACT Week, his now senior-only AP Economics class felt like, “A graveyard of dead parlays and missed legs.”

In other words, disappointing and quite sad.

“They stopped caring about my class even earlier than the previous few years did.” stated Mr. Dan Burke, theology teacher and department chair. “Most of the time, they can stick it out till February before really giving up, but I was noticing a drop off even in November. It was honestly quite worrying. Leonard Siegal even got a Dean Slip in my class earlier in the year, which I’ve had taped here behind my desk to remind them to stay in line.”

Dean slips, tardies, detentions, and JUGS have been the new staple of senior life, as well as falling grades, college stress, and lack of sleep during the night.

While the MEC continues to search for a way to help the seniors who have been plagued by this yearly illness, the most faculty and fellow students can do for them is pray that May arrives as quickly as possible.