Desperate students depend on primitive survival tactics to get through winter 

As winter rolls around, the same thing always comes around year after year to beat students down like a baseball bat covered in nails: the blistering, skin-ripping, terrible cold. To retaliate, humans have attempted various inventions  to try and secure a single win against low temperatures; burners, fireplaces, space heaters, hand warmers, and nice warm hugs. Despite people’s best efforts, the cold has prevailed time after time. 

However, as of late, students have been trying out a brand new strategy. Or, more accurately, a brand old strategy. The Mount Carmel student body has come back to the classics, using ancient warming techniques in hopes of finally winning against the cold. 

Many students have resorted to collecting leaves and branches that have fallen onto the ground as fire starters. Senior AJ Stanislawski, an Eagle Scout candidate, has been holding his own separate classes for those who want to learn to start fires by hand. After the first few classes, AJ stopped teaching because of the caveman-like grunting from the football players that he would hear while teaching.  Groups have formed, claiming the largest territories (classrooms) for themselves as places for shelter. Many have used textbooks as walls for insulation and believe that this is the only possible way that they can make it to spring.

“I admire the ingenuity of the school, but I wish people weren’t so hostile now,” said sophomore Sam Walsh, “ I tried to grab my bible from my locker and someone bit at my hand.” 

With Mt. Carmel having banned any hooded sweatshirts during school hours, students have had to take on the bitter cold with sweaters and some even choosing to tough it out in the short sleeved polos. One day, someone was able to keep themself warm by setting fire to a graded homework assignment and the craze for primitive survival began. Herds of students began rummaging for anything to light ablaze, looking in lockers, trash cans or even some teachers desks. Fires began springing up all around campus from the main building to the Graham Center, some even popping up in the Kiszka Suite.

Some students have resorted to full primal speech. When asked about his experience with the new winters, Sophomore Jack O’Neil responded, “Fire good. Cold scary. Fire beat cold. Fire good.” 

Others have been trying to navigate the new changes on the school grounds, “Sometimes I feel in danger with how many hunting tools people have been making,” freshman Gavin Bell said. “We don’t even have anything on campus to hunt for.”

Some students have been trying to bring back the old civilized Mt. Carmel ways, luring those who have gone primal into classrooms to reeducate them on the ways of modern society by using day old bags of chips and candy from the vending machines. Few of the many attempts made by student council members have worked out successfully, and those who have gone back reminisce about their times while rabid. 

“As weird as it was, I really liked scavenging for my food and cooking it with a fire I built,” said sophomore Ryder Alderson, “it’s like what they say about cooking at home–it tastes better when you do it yourself.”