Jesus disappointed in Halloween costumes, says "Christians are ruining the holiday" 

As the Caravan Community wrapped up celebrating Halloween last week, something was noticed by students and faculty alike. Not as many people were dressing up as in previous years. With only a few contenders in the Costume contest, people were unsure whether to vote for the Mr. Haggerty look-alike or the “Shaqula.”

Other than those two, however, there were very few people dressed up. Many kids cited their parents. 

“My mom thinks it means I’ll be worshiping the devil if I wear a costume,” said junior Kenny Groen. “Apparently this whole Halloween thing is all a guise to celebrate Satan.” 

For other students, it was fear of calling the Dark Lord’s wrath upon them. “The only Dark Lord I want at our school,” said swimmer Adam Stanislawski, “is Mr. McGuire.”

However, Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior, begged to differ. After Colin McKeown ’24, a freshman at the University of Notre Dame, attended the JCA game he put The Merchant in contact with Touchdown Jesus.

“Guys, it’s really not that bad,” the Prince of Peace stated. “I honestly really enjoy seeing what you kids come up with, and it’s not half bad most of the time. I think the werewolf costumes are overdone, but whenever someone does a really good Batman I get excited. And, you know, [English teacher Mr.] Baffoe is always [chef’s kiss].” Christ spoke at length about his appreciation for the Christopher Nolan movies after that.

The argument many parents make is that it is not something Christ would want them to allow their children to do. “My mother believes Jesus wants us to attend evening mass on those days instead of trick-or-treating,” Ryan Clark ‘25 told The Merchant. “She really doesn’t like dressing up.”

Again Jesus took umbrage with this. 

“When did people get this whole thing in their heads about Halloween being evil? I mean, sure, do some people treat it like a holiday of murder? Yes, but overall it’s just a fun time for the family. Dad and I always dress up. He loves going as a water stain shaped like me on a viaduct wall. And, well, The Spirit pretty much always goes for the classic bed sheet ghost look. There was one year he did Freddy Krueger, though. Uncanny. But yes, my children,  I just want to emphasize that if we didn’t want people wearing funny clothes, we wouldn’t have the Pope wearing that hat. Honestly, if you think it’s that bad, talk to Lucifer.” 

Our Lord and Savior eventually dissipated back to the heavenly realm after his interview, leaving a Milky Way on his chair for the reporters.

The Merchant reached out to representatives for Satan, Prince of Darkness and Sin, but MC vice principal Mr. Bill Nolan has not yet responded to an email requesting comment.. This story will be updated should he relay any message from Beelzebub or the Dark Lord himself.