Celebrities helplessly enamored with The Merchant

Quick question: what do Shaquille O’Neal, NBA Hall of Famer and four-time champ, and MC junior Reagan Tong have in common? 

It is not basketball skill, far from it, but a sheer and undying love for The Merchant. 

At Mount Carmel, things have been crazy lately with filmings and visits from celebrities. Some of the recent star guests on campus include Angel Reese, the General from General Insurance, and of course, Shaquille O’Neal, who visited earlier this October. The one common thread connecting all of these big names together is one thing: the school’s beloved English teacher, Mr. Tim Baffoe.

It was reported by many that the Big Diesel had an unusually sour expression on his face as he traversed, or rather tried to traverse, the school campus. While he was being bombarded by dozens of students more ravenous than a pack of rabid pit bulls eyeing a toddler, Shaq repeatedly muttered under his breath, saying things such as “Did they really turn the Student Center into a boot camp?” and “I need to know what they did with that tuba.”

“Those idiot kids were taking away from Merchant time,” O’Neal recalled bluntly, his expression grim from the dark memories, 

When asked about “Merchant Time,” Shaq simply responded: “Merchant Time is all the time.”

He proceeded to walk away without saying another word unrelated to the Jack Elliot fan club, a topic from a previous issue of the school’s satirical publication.

For years now, The Merchant has been near and dear to reader’s hearts, making people laugh, cry, and even contemplate existence itself. However, the devilish mastermind behind the entire operation, Mr. Tim Baffoe, MC faculty member and sandwich enjoyer, does not get nearly the same amount of love due to his difficult class content and controversial opinions on hot dogs, which makes many students very sad. 

Despite all that, the celebrities visiting the school are no stranger to appreciating Mr. Baffoe. Many rave over him, obsessing over his great work at MC, including coaching sailing and his Halloween costumes, but it is mostly The Merchant, garnering him great respect and admiration.

“I mean, how can you not love the guy?” WNBA player Angel Reese pondered, “He’s a teacher, he looks like Bane, and he runs my favorite source of satirical publication in the entire world. He’s a real cool cat.”

Shortly after, Reese continued scrolling her phone, laughing hysterically at sophomore Nicholas Lodato’s piece from a previous issue. 

Due to the extremely high praise from famous individuals for both the Merchant and T-Baff, as Reese refers to him, many celebs are itching for a chance to go meet the creative minds behind the operation, not to film a commercial in the gym as many believe. The Merchant is really just that good.

“I love the Merchant,” O’Neal declared with a stern look on his face.. “Reading it and watching their videos is like applying soothing Gold Bond lotion to my brain. Can I get a selfie with one of the Stanislawski brothers? Maybe the taller one?”

(Shaquille O’Neal, Angel Reese, and the General from General Insurance have been compensated for their endorsement.)