Shaq starts Icy Hot Scholarship for most-injured athletes

When Shaquille O'Neal visited MC not too long ago, he got a full tour of MC, which included the training room facility where many “injured” athletes like to visit to get treatment.  While there he and Mr. Phil Segroves, the school’s Athletic Director, had a conversation about him starting an athletic scholarship here at MC. Shaq liked MC so much that he decided to do it. 

The scholarship would be called the Icy Hot Tuition Commendation for the Injured, or “ITCHI,” and it came with an additional 5,000 cans of Icy Hot spray. Finding a place to store the cans was a challenge. 

“Dude, I literally have a hundred sitting in my living room,” said head trainer Joe Qualter. “Like, there’s Icy Hot everywhere. I can’t get rid of it. When I opened my microwave the other day there were four cans in there. And it doesn’t even taste all that good. I don’t know what to do.” 

Despite the Icy Hot can problem, the scholarship looks like it will be extremely  beneficial for MC. With the recipient getting over $40,000 in tuition reimbursement, there will be serious competition for who will be the most injured athlete at MC.

After learning about the possibility, the usual injured were very confident in their chances of getting this opportunity. 

“I’m so locked in for this you don’t even understand,” said senior quarterback Jack Elliott. “This is more important than the State Championship. I’ve been using my shoulder as an excuse recently anyway. Nobody will even know I’m faking it.”

However, this race might not be as clear cut as it seems. Players who are notoriously never injured have come out with terrible ailments just recently to try and win the scholarship. 

“I was considering having one of the guys run me over with his car in the parking lot,” said Tim Harkins. “I mean, I have to win this. Anyways, my stomach needs to be fed, and it costs a lot to feed a guy like me.” 

Other athletes are saying that the injuries they already have are much worse than they seem. 

“Yeah, I think they are going to have to amputate,” said Caleb Tucker referring to his injured toe. “I don’t know why, but it’s hurting and I don’t really care. I’m after that scholarship. How can they not give it to the guy who doesn't have a foot?” 

Athletes in other sports are also resorting to unnecessary medical procedures to make it so they are out of playing for the longest time possible. 

“I just walked into the hospital and asked what surgeries they could give me,” said senior golfer Micheal Schwartz. “They said something about a vasectomy, which sounded serious, but I want that scholarship.”

Not everyone is happy about the competition for this scholarship, mainly Mr. Qualter. 

“Bro, how am I supposed to help Bonecrusher through an amputated foot,” said the swamped trainer. “I’m not qualified for this. I have to do so much work now. I liked it better when Clark did everything, and I just came in to tell [Elliot] his shoulder injury was fine.”

The competition is heating up, and who knows what injury is going to walk into the training room next. Whatever happens, the winner will be chosen on January 1st and their scholarship money will arrive just a week later. 

“I can’t wait to give these guys this opportunity,” said Shaq.