Student Center to become state-of-the-art Scheuring basketball boot camp

It is common belief that the Student Center is being remodeled into a new fine arts wing for students to enjoy and utilize. However, this idea could not be farther from the truth. Since the beginning of the 2024-2025 school year, students have been greatly devastated–or at least mildly inconvenienced–by the closure of the Student Center, but unknown to many is the fact that the old lunchroom is being transformed into a training facility for Mr. Dominic Scheuring’s Theology 3 class, appropriately titled, The Character Basketball Training Complex.

Over time, students’ shot-making efficiency when playing the entirely exclusive, original, and beloved game of basketball within the walls of Mr. Scheuring’s classroom has plummeted. Due to this, Mr. Scheuring himself has requested for the student center to be constructed into a basketball boot camp.

“At this point, it’s downright incredible how absolutely horrendous my students as a whole have gotten at basketball,” Mr. Scheuring remarked after a very disappointing session with his sixth period class. “It’s like the entire class is Ben Simmons trying to shoot a three pointer. They’re that bad. I mean, they're three feet away from the basket. How in the world can they miss three times in a row? The only thing that I can think of that can save them is rigorous specialized training. Maybe then they can at least be somewhat competent.”

Statistics show that students’ shooting percentages in Theology 3 have dropped by a very large margin from previous years, dropping from 89.67 percent from the field and 21.32 percent from beyond the third row line to 75.66 percent from the field and a measly 0.06 percent from beyond the third row line after a miraculous shot from Junior Liam Burns after he woke up from a nap during class. 

It is believed that, with this new complex, the shooting splits of students should increase exponentially, possibly surpassing the numbers of previous years.

“There are many facilities that will aid in the development of Mr. Scheuring’s student athletes, such as but not limited to: a state-of-the-art workout room, on-site medical staff and sports scientists, cryotherapy chambers, data analysts and film, and dozens of desks and mini-basketball hoops,” lead architect of the project Doctor Bartholomew Bawol explained. “The only thing that will stop them from performing to their max potential will be their willingness to accept their faults and their improved focus to improve because of it.”

On the other hand, Mr. Scheuring’s students argue against the development of The Character Basketball Training Complex, stating that the staggering numbers are nothing of concern and that they will be back to their primes in no time.

“I mean, even LeBron James had off games, right? And, he’s the goat.” junior Kenny Groen mentions. “Yeah, the numbers may look bad, but we’ll bounce back no problem! There is no problem whatsoever. Not at all. Though, I heard they were building a hot tub in there, which I would not mind at all. I’m a huge hot tub guy. You know what? Maybe this facility thing ain’t such a bad idea.”