Freshmen form Jack Elliot academic fan club

  The new freshman class is in need of a teacher to sponsor their newly proposed AP Jack Elliott Fan Club. Younger students are not only obsessed with  the spectacular plays he makes in the classroom and scores on his exams. The desire to glaze academics has skyrocketed. In every freshman class one walks into, they can hear “AP-Jack!” They call him AP Jack Elliot because every traditional chant has three syllables and he takes AP classes.

Some feel the fans have gone too far, and the actions done by the new freshmen class have been described as “outrageous” by certain MC faculty and staff. This includes stalking Elliot on his way to class, obtaining his schedule to pinpoint where he is, buying the same lunch as him, and even trying to break into his locker to study the books he reads. 

“I can’t recall detention being filled with so many cases like this,” said Mr. Dan O’Connor, Dean of Students.

Some freshmen secretly walked inside Elliot’s AP English classroom and morphed into cheerleaders chanting “70%, 80%, 90%, touchdown!”  “I felt alive chanting for Jack Elliot while he took his English final,” said a group of students. “It felt like going to see astrophysicist Carl Sagan speak even though he died before I was born.”  

The student shared some of his ideas for this Jack Elliot fan club including custom art of him and housekeeping and janitorial services to honor his academic accomplishments. 

The teachers at MC have historically never understood freshmen. It’s been a task for them to transform them from grammar school babies into young men. They can not comprehend their lack of organization and struggle to get homework done on time. But this year, teachers have not liked the way the young students talk about “AP Jack Elliot.”  They find it ironic that freshmen exalt him but fail to emulate him. 

“I have kids with D’s in my class doing that stupid chant,” said English teacher Mr. Dan Haggerty. “And Jack never dropped a tennis ball in my class like some of these freshmen.”

Elliot appreciates the chant. “My not-so-secret freshmen admirers have helped me focus when otherwise I would be distracted in school thinking about less football,” he said. “My mind has been strengthened by their encouraging chants, which have sharpened my academic skills all the more.”  

Elliot has enjoyed freshmen stalking him because he knows it will prepare him for the rowdy classrooms at Vanderbilt University, the prestigious college where he’ll begin his academic career next fall. 

Teachers have been reprimanding students for the last five weeks moaning about the disruptive environment their fandom has created. 

“This is very upsetting,” says Mr. David Glonek, science teacher. “I have to write-up twenty freshmen daily for stalking Jack Elliot. They even sneak into my studium to take pictures with him.” 

Mr. Glonek has volunteered to be on Saturday JUG duty to better discipline these freshmen. All his attempts have failed.

“Because we keep stalking Jack Elliot, half of our class has received at least one detention,” remarked Bryce Daymond. “If we keep this up, the Caravan Class of 2028 will be extinct. Oh, hey, there goes Jack now…”

It is evident that Jack Elliot fandom is a major problem. But all the MC community can do is wait and see how the MC's administration will handle the unbearable glaze.. As of this publication, Mr. Scott Tabernacki, MC principal, was seen getting Elliot’s autograph.