Finding True Happiness: Letting Go of Resentment and Embracing Meaning

In today's world, we understand that holding onto resentment can be detrimental to our happiness, as it affects even our genes by constantly producing cortisol, a stress hormone. Sometimes, we perceive certain individuals as toxic because their behavior clashes with our own, which I call "individual toxins." But let's delve into what happens within ourselves when we encounter such people.

Coming from a family of psychiatrists, I had an interesting interview this morning, with an interviewer known for posing uncomfortable questions about Catalonia's mental state and Pedro Sánchez's grasp of reality. It highlighted how our society has lost its sense of purpose, replacing it with mere sensations like food, wine, massages, or even sexual experiences, which become toxic when they replace true meaning in life.

We tend to obsess over seeking pleasurable sensations, becoming emotional addicts always trying to fill an inner void. This behavior corrupts us and leads to numerous struggles that we frequently witness in counseling. The key lies in returning to our core values, those guiding lights in chaotic and uncertain moments that prevent us from losing our way.

Emotional dependence is another issue we grapple with, as we have become addicted to intense experiences and emotions. Many people nowadays are driven solely by emotions, as they fluctuate throughout the day, leaving us searching for something more substantial to anchor ourselves to.

The cult of instant gratification is pervasive, and trends dictate our actions and choices. We prioritize what's in vogue, lacking consistency and depth in our decisions. However, instant gratification, driven by the dopamine hormone, is not true happiness; it merely brings fleeting satisfaction.

Social media, like Facebook, has been intentionally designed to create addiction by triggering dopamine release through likes and validation. The modern world revolves around retaining our attention for as long as possible. We, as a society, must recognize who truly holds the power – us or the devices that control us.

The constant need to alleviate boredom and stress with our phones and gadgets affects our prefrontal cortex – the brain region responsible for attention, concentration, problem-solving, and impulse control. When we turn to instant gratification, we struggle to manage stress and frustration effectively, hindering our capacity to achieve deeper goals that require patience and effort.

To build strong and lasting relationships, be it love, friendship, or work, we need to embrace the notion of effort and endurance, understanding that true happiness comes from consistent and meaningful actions, not instant clicks. Developing self-control and managing our devices effectively is vital in this pursuit.

In summary, we must avoid holding onto resentment and embrace forgiveness for our own happiness. The toxic influence of individuals around us can be managed by understanding their impact on us. In a world filled with instant gratification, we must reclaim our values and find meaning beyond fleeting sensations. Striving for true happiness requires patience, self-awareness, and the ability to manage stress and emotions effectively, all of which originate from our prefrontal cortex. To foster lasting connections and a sense of fulfillment, we need to prioritize long-term efforts and goals over quick fixes.

They sit quietly in the waiting room of a doctor, or ride on a bus, not making a scene, attending to a teacher when they arrive at school, starting to write, in other words, controlling their impulses, not just being swayed by stimuli of light, sound, and movement. But what happens when an 18-month-old is given a tablet? It's all about light, sound, and movement. Something happens in the brain where that area, which should be developing and progressing, doesn't advance, and it's lost. The Americans call it "use it or lose it," and I love that phrase because it's easy to understand. If we don't use a skill or ability and give it to an external device, we lose it. Our brains work that way. Since Wikipedia exists, our hippocampus, the area responsible for memory, has been functioning worse because before, we would memorize things, like someone's phone number, and now, we don't need to remember it since we can find it online.

Now there are fascinating studies about spatial orientation and time since we got GPS. Nobody can orient themselves better now that they have GPS because that area of the brain, when activated, works really well. People who do mountaineering or go on excursions have that area highly developed. However, those of us who always rely on Google Maps have that area underdeveloped, and we suddenly get lost and don't know where we're going. So, coming back to our prefrontal cortex, which is what I'm interested in, since we don't use it as much as before due to what we pay attention to, like video games, series, social media, and screens, it becomes harder to concentrate.

There are German psychiatrists who call it "digital dementia," and it's true. One of the biggest components of happiness is self-control, the ability to control our impulses and where we pay attention. And this is where the interpretation of reality becomes crucial. Happiness is not what happens to us, but how we interpret it. The interpretation depends on three main pillars: the system of beliefs, the mood, and the attention. The system of beliefs consists of preconceived ideas that we have based on our biography, traumas, wounds, and education. These beliefs dictate how things should be, and if reality doesn't match that, we get upset, label things, and make judgments. But sometimes, our beliefs are limiting and can prevent us from seeing the positive in a situation.

The second aspect is mood. Our state of mind heavily influences how we interpret events. If we are feeling sad or anxious, everything will seem negative. It's crucial to work on our mood, and one of the essential factors is sleep. Many people sleep poorly in today's society due to the excessive consumption of hypnotics and the lack of sleep. Good sleep is restorative and can significantly improve one's day-to-day experiences.

Ultimately, we should aim to live in the present moment, connect with what is happening around us, and challenge any limiting beliefs and negative interpretations. By doing so, we can find true happiness and maintain a healthy and balanced state of mind.

It's me who has changed, not the third, it's the biochemistry. And this is very important, the biochemistry, the thyroid, the parathyroid, and some autoimmune rheumatic diseases have a component that alters the mood. I will explain this a little more later. Then there are the circumstances, we all have circumstances that can be tough at times, making us feel down, and that's normal. But there's a fundamental aspect I love, and it's the attitude. Attitude can activate or deactivate our mood. When a person is in a deep depression, having a positive attitude may not change much, but it can still help, even if it's just 0.1%. Many people say, "I can't," and for some situations, that may be true because depression can be overwhelming. However, there are many instances during the day when we just need to activate ourselves, make a decision, and take action. Sometimes, with that small decision, we can start moving forward.

I received an email from a patient today who has a severe neurological condition. She started coming to my clinic, and she spends months in bed. I told her I want her to be a little better every day. If she can stand for one minute one day, then aim for two minutes the next day, and gradually increase it. I believe that when we make an effort, our whole body gets activated because it's waiting for positive signals. Another crucial aspect of interpreting reality is the Ascending Reticular Activating System (ARAS). Although the name sounds terrible, its function is fantastic. Our brain constantly receives millions of bits of information. It filters out what it finds relevant and important. For instance, when someone is pregnant, they start noticing pregnant women everywhere they go. This system is responsible for that. Our brain highlights what is essential to us, aligning with our desires and aspirations.

This system is active and functioning in everyone. However, there are times when people don't allow good things to happen because they don't know what they want. Sometimes, we desire positive experiences, but we don't permit our brain to detect them. The main inhibitor of this system is the screen. The virtual world can provide instant gratification with a single click, but true happiness and meaningful experiences happen in the real world. The majority of people who feel disconnected and don't experience positive things often don't know what they want in life.

A few months ago, I was going out to dinner with my husband to celebrate our anniversary. He was very worried about a particular issue during the car ride. He had been trying to reach a lawyer in Madrid for weeks, but they kept missing each other's calls due to traveling and busy schedules. He was stressed about resolving the matter quickly without being annoying. I'm always the type to believe in the ARAS system, and I said, "Well, if we run into him, we'll see." My husband told me that things don't work that way, but he knows about the system and its potential. When we sat down at the restaurant, I noticed the lawyer sitting at the next table. I waited to see if my husband would notice him, but he didn't. Eventually, during dessert, I told him that the lawyer had been sitting next to us for two hours. We can get so wrapped up in our worries that we miss the good things happening right around us.

In summary, interpreting reality and finding happiness is influenced by our beliefs, mood, and attention. The Ascending Reticular Activating System (ARAS) plays a significant role in highlighting what matters to us. However, screens and excessive virtual engagement can inhibit this system and prevent us from noticing the positive aspects of our lives. By being aware of these factors and cultivating a positive attitude, we can better navigate life's challenges and find genuine happiness in the present moment.

One typical thing that happens in my consultation is that I have a very amusing theory about how to find the right partner. After many years, I developed a special mathematical algorithm that actually makes sense. Another day, a girl comes to my consultation and says, "Doctor, I will never get married; there are no men." I tell her, "There are men; you just need to know what you want." She replies, "Well, I want someone who likes to travel, is cultured, and athletic." So, I tell her, "You have a clear idea of what you want; now, go look for it."

Later, she sits on the train, and the guy sitting next to her opens his laptop and starts looking at pictures of Myanmar. Her heart starts pounding, and she thinks I set her up with this situation for practice. However, this time, she didn't act on it. The guy gets nervous and wonders how to start a conversation with her about Myanmar. He finally says he's into travel and writes for a travel blog. She asks if he has a partner, and he says no because nobody can handle his constant traveling. The girl almost had a heart attack, thinking that this situation was not for practice; it was real.

They started talking, and when she arrived in her city, she called my consultation in a hurry. I thought something bad had happened, but she said, "It's not your fault; this is not your thing." The guy next to me on the train is into travel and blogs about it, and he doesn't have a partner because no one can handle his constant traveling. She was completely apathetic to the idea of a relationship, but she realized that you need to actively search for what you want.

This leads me to a fundamental topic: cortisol. It's crucial to talk about cortisol today. Even though you're not in danger right now, imagine if the alarms suddenly went off in this place. We would all run for the doors and find the quickest way out. That's what cortisol does—it's the hormone of stress, survival, and anxiety. The body doesn't distinguish between real threats and imagined ones. If we constantly worry about things, the cortisol levels remain high, and that's not good.

Cortisol is beneficial in small doses as it helps us stay alert and respond to threats quickly. However, if cortisol stays elevated for extended periods due to constant worry, it becomes toxic to the body. Our body is not designed to live in survival mode permanently. We have two systems in our body—the sympathetic nervous system, which activates cortisol for survival, and the parasympathetic system, which relaxes and recovers the body. These systems are antagonistic, and if we stay in survival mode for too long, our body deteriorates. We need to find a balance between these systems to lead a healthy life.

It is crucial not to live constantly in the sympathetic nervous system. Cortisol, if someone needs to take corticosteroids (cortisone), is a potent anti-inflammatory. In low doses, cortisol prepares the body to face threats, whether they are physical or psychological. However, constantly elevated cortisol levels hinder the positive communication between cortisol and the immune system. The immune system becomes independent, leading to inflammation and various health issues like gastritis, gastroenteritis, amigdalitis, arthritis, irritable bowel syndrome, migraines, and even inflammatory states in the brain, possibly causing depression.

Our body cannot live in survival mode all the time, feeling constantly threatened or on high alert. Such a state impacts our physical, psychological, and behavioral aspects. Physically, we may experience hair loss, eye twitching, hand numbness, and muscular tension. This constant tension can cause injuries and chronic pain. Psychologically, we become irritable, emotionally sensitive, experience memory lapses, and may even develop depression. The constant state of alertness affects our sleep, leading to sleep problems like insomnia and micro awakenings during the night.

To reduce cortisol levels, exercise is essential. Moderate exercise helps metabolize cortisol, benefiting overall health. Additionally, we must pay attention to our thoughts and emotions as they have a significant impact on our bodies. Emotions and thoughts precede each other, and our attitude toward life affects our response to circumstances. We can even modify our genes based on our attitude, emotions, and how we manage them. Therefore, it is crucial to educate ourselves about our inner thoughts, be mindful of them, and not give unnecessary importance to negative or unproductive thoughts.

Sometimes, our attitude before a situation determines how we respond to it. A personal anecdote shows that our attitude can make a significant difference in our experience. On a day when everything seemed to go wrong, the author chose to change her perspective and approach the situation with a positive and confident attitude. Surprisingly, the outcome was much better than expected. By managing our thoughts and attitudes, we can prevent self-sabotage and lead healthier lives. By reducing stress and managing emotions, we can improve overall well-being and even influence our physical health positively.