Tilottama

Image Information: A faded cave painting of an apsara. (Wikimedia Commons)

I wandered through the forest in a daze, unsure of where to go. I was grateful to Brahma for granting me the ability to freely roam wherever I chose, but I was almost overwhelmed by the sudden privilege. Since my creation, my destiny was set, my desires were quickly replaced by the needs of the gods. I closed my eyes, swept back to those first moments of my life.

I opened my eyes and was shocked to see a man bent over my face, our noses almost touching. At my awakening, he sprung back with a large smile plastered to his face. The man called over his shoulder, his voice filled with unbridled enthusiasm,

"Brahma, come quickly, she is awake!"

I slowly sat up and discovered that I was naked. I curled up tightly, trying to protect my dignity, while the one called Brahma came into the room. Seeing my discomfort, Brahma quickly covered my frame with his outer robe while chastising the excited man.

"Vishwakarma, is this any way to treat a woman?"

I smiled, the memory holding none of the confusion I felt then. From the beginning, Brahma treated me as an equal. I did not realize then how rare that treatment was. Everyone else either desired me or desired to be me, but Brahma saw my desires, even when he explained to me why I was created.

"Tilottama, I asked Vishwakarma to create you for a very specific purpose."

It was now some time after my awakening. Brahma procured a modest robe for me and led me to a luxurious suite after I dressed. I was seated on a plush couch when Brahma said this, and I craned my neck up to Brahma's face, waiting to hear what that purpose was.

"There are two brothers, demons born of Nikumbha, and these brothers have driven me and my siblings from our home. Sunda and Upasunda are invincible to all but each other, so we need to find a way to drive the brothers apart. That, my dear, is where you come in. Of course, you are allowed to say no, but I hope you will say yes to helping us."

I of course said yes. I now know that while Brahma would have accepted my refusal, the other gods would have destroyed me if I had dared to deny them my help. Lost in my memories, I let my feet wander aimlessly from the forest path. Eventually, I found myself on the bank of a still lagoon. I took my sandals off my feet and tied my skirt up around my knees before I sat down on the bank and slipped my feet into the cool water. I studied my hands, both wrists still marred by red handprints. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts of that awful day.

Brahma's plan was simple: I appear before Sunda and Upasunda and goad them into fighting for my hand in marriage. The brothers, however, had a different plan. At my appearance, Sunda ran to me and grabbed my right wrist. As he began to drag me away, Upasunda caught up to his brother and seized my left wrist. Seeing that the other planned on taking me, both brothers raised their clubs to defend their new treasure. Sunda and Upasunda traded mortal blows while their grips on me tightened and tightened. I dared not cry out in pain, for fear that their anger would turn on me at the slightest provocation. Their battle lasted for three tortuous hours. After the dust settled, I was left in the middle of the carnage. The brothers' blood soaked my clothes and dried to my body, their grips still tight on my wrists even after death.

Upon the deaths of Sunda and Upasunda, the gods celebrated. They offered me a place in their heavenly kingdom, but I refused when I recognized the look of lustful desire in some of the gods' eyes. I shuddered to think what would become of me if I stayed, and Brahma graciously granted me an escape: a boon to roam freely throughout the universe. I accepted immediately.

Unfortunately, I could never escape that cold look of lust. In my travels, I soon discovered that every man, whether he was human, god, or demon, could not see past my features. I escaped to the forest, hoping to finally be away from the oppressive stares. I examined my bruised wrists and considered my predicament until I heard the heavy footsteps of an approaching stranger.

I spun around and saw a young man enter the clearing. He was dressed in the simple clothes of a sage, and his eyes stared straight ahead. I stood up from the bank and greeted him. At the sound of my voice, the sage jumped and looked around wildly for the source of my greeting. At his reaction, I called out,

"Do not be alarmed, sir. My name is Tilottama, and I meant no harm by my greeting."

The sage smiled, suddenly embarrassed by his reaction.

"Forgive me, dear lady. My alarm at your words must seem quite foolish. I lost my sight a month ago, and I am still getting used to being blind."

My heart leapt at the sage's words. Here was a man who could not be led astray by my visage. His blindness rendered us equals.

"Sir," I began excitedly, "would you desire a guide in your travels?"

He turned in the direction of my voice and asked,

"My lady, are you certain you want to be my companion? The roads I travel are often deserted."

I replied quickly,

"Sir, that suits me perfectly."

At my words, the sage broke into a wide smile and my heart was warmed by the sight.

In my past, I had known the lust of wicked men, but before me was a trusting and virtuous man. I walked up to him and gently took his hand, my heart finally at peace.

Author's Note: When researching myths about Tilottama for my Storybook Project, I found story after story about the ridiculous lengths that men--god and demon alike--would go to behold Tilottama's beauty. Even her creation story was built around the desires of men; Brahma ordered Vishwakarma to create Tilottama as a way to destroy Sunda and Upasunda. After reading all of this, I made up my mind that Tilottama deserved something much different. I did not want to force a relationship into Tilottama's life, so I left her relationship with the blind sage purposefully vague. My entire motivation for his character was to give Tilottama a companion she could trust. After a string of traumatic experiences in which she was harassed for her looks, I wanted her to feel immediately at ease with the sage. His blindness ensured that she would not be reminded of her past. Tilottama deserved a relationship that was not contingent on her looks or beauty, but instead on who she was as a person. Women are often judged and harassed because of their looks, and this treatment often leaves the victims feeling at fault and distancing themselves from society as a way to prevent future abuse. Through the eyes of Tilottama, we see this behavior, in addition to traumatic flashbacks and signs of physical abuse. It is very easy for a person experiencing a similar situation to believe they are broken, but just as Tilottama found peace in a new and trusted friend, someone plagued by their past can find comfort in a supportive ally.

Bibliography: Tilottama, Wikipedia