My husband Jeff and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this November. We tied the knot exactly two months after 9/11. I had just turned 29, and Jeff was two years shy of 50. I hadn’t planned on getting married. I was fresh out of a 7-year relationship when Jeff and I met, and at that time, I had zero interest in becoming entangled with anyone.

At first, I ignored Jeff’s attempts to connect, but he was persistent and kind in a way that told me to give him a chance—he was reaching out about a work matter, after all, and work was something that I could easily hide behind.

We ended up working together, and I discovered that you can learn a lot about a person by spending time with them in a corporate environment—like the kind of values they have, how well they treat others, and their respect for the work itself. Jeff and I fell deeply in love, and despite various complications (including the ending of his first marriage), we chose to respond to the inner calling that we felt to build a life together.

The deeper purpose of our union became clear over time. In addition to having a shared (spiritual) purpose, we were a perfect match to help each other become more self-aware, to heal wounds from our past, and to grow into our fullest potential as human beings. Jeff once said that in life, we often receive the experience first, and then the lesson. This was particularly true for us—both headstrong, impatient, and stubborn individuals who did not like being told what to do. We once argued about who was the most stubborn. I was genuinely surprised that he thought it was me when it was so clear (to me) that it was he.

To say that we’ve worked hard to get to where we are in our relationship is an understatement. In addition to our stubbornness, Jeff and I are high-performers, high-achievers (we are extremely creative and prolific), self-critical, demanding, and perfectionistic. Thank goodness we are also kind, curious, caring, and self-reflective—otherwise, things would be tough.

One of the most difficult struggles in our marriage was about power. For years, I felt that Jeff didn’t see or understand the ways he wielded power in our relationship. And, for him, because his intention was to keep me in complete freedom, he didn’t understand my feelings of oppression when he did or said certain things.

Why Couples Fight

According to Esther Perel, a Belgian psychotherapist and expert on the topic of relationships, couples typically fight over three areas:

1. Power and Control

2. Care and Closeness

3. Respect and Recognition

Jeff and I found the content of Dr. Perel’s video to be helpful, but we grew increasingly frustrated when certain areas of conflict kept repeating themselves year after year. One was when I would share something—this could be about anything: my perspective on a topic, how I was feeling, etc.—and his response would trigger me (or, to be more accurate, I would become triggered by the way in which he responded). When I would say to Jeff that I felt unseen, unheard, or misunderstood, he would get triggered. Jeff has always had tremendous care and respect for me and our relationship; to hear me say things like that was surprising to him.

Being “In Pattern”

Shannon Hernandez, an intuitive healer I’ve had sessions with, said that it was important to recognize when we are “in pattern” vs. being “in integrity” to distinguish when we are functioning from a place of reactivity based on old wounds (marked by defensiveness, fear, and anger) vs. responding from the higher, more equanimous parts of ourselves. It takes an evolved level of awareness to recognize being “in pattern,” especially when we feel activated and defensive.

When I said to Jeff that he didn’t understand me, his fear of being excluded and left behind was activated, and all he could hear was, “You just don’t get it. You’re not capable of getting it.” And, even worse: “You’re just not good enough.”

Intellectual vs. Emotional Way of Being

Jeff’s primary mode of processing information was via his intellect, whereas mine was through my emotions. I trusted my emotions to help me understand the truth about my experiences, and I trusted my intuition to help me discern what actions to take. My mode of functioning has always worked well for me. Jeff’s mode has always worked well for him. I wanted Jeff to listen closely to what I was saying, using his feelings and sense of intuition—something that was foreign to him (at the time)—and Jeff wanted me to express myself more clearly, using language—something I found challenging (and still do) for the following reasons:

• I struggle to find words that express how I truly feel. I’m what’s called a highly-sensitive person (HSP), and it takes me longer than most people to understand the depth of my feelings. (How long? It depends. And, it doesn’t help that what I think and feel tends to shift over time.)

• My use of language is different than Jeff’s. Some of this has to do with the fact that the first language I heard upon entering this world was Spanish. I was born in Managua, Nicaragua, and my mother (mostly) spoke to me in Spanish growing up, even though we lived in the States. My father (who learned Spanish as a second language) tended to speak to me in English. I tend to have a creative use of language, sometimes making up words or using them in unconventional ways—a quality that I share with poets and non-native English speakers.

• Probably the most frustrating experience for Jeff (though we’re starting to laugh more about this) is my tendency to say a few words and expect him to understand all the nuances of what I mean. I often blurt out, “I just said that!” but when I recall what I actually said (the meaning of the words and phrases), I see how unclear I actually was. So, then I correct myself and say, “Well, that’s what I meant.” 🙄

So, yes, relationships can be hard. I think it’s essential to have patience and grace (with ourselves, one another, and the process), and to try and laugh as much as possible. Jeff wrote the following poem/prayer that I like to read often to invoke the spirit of joy. I hope that you find it helpful too.

Additional Resources

• The Center for Nonviolent Communication - Nonviolent communication is a way to communicate how something or someone makes you feel, without blaming or putting them on the defensive. It can help to promote healthy dialogue.

• Jeff’s Substack - Jeff shares his personal and unique experiences with spirituality.