Letter to My 18-Year-Old Self

Dear SEHLI at 18,

As I sit here, I want to thank you for all the dreams you had in mind for me: the master’s degree in Architecture at 25 followed by the nice-paying job with benefits (especially the medical aid) at an established firm, the husband and the two children; twins to be exact! And the white Polo Vivo with the cute house somewhere in the nice neighbourhoods of Windhoek. And let’s not forget the cute wardrobe and pretty shoes. I want to say thank you, for looking out for me, for pushing me to do better to reach these dreams. I want to say thank you for dreaming about what you thought was best for me, for setting the standard high.

Before I continue, I’d like to ask you to have a seat before you read the rest of this letter. I know how you and Logic often talk about how things should go; that there should always be a clear plan that should be followed exactly. I know Logic hates surprises and changes because Critic will always have something to say about it. And we don’t want to wake Critic - never that!

My love… things did not go according to plan. Let me explain: You stopped painting after high school. Ironic, considering it’s one of your major subjects at school right now. You did get to Architecture school, but you became so stressed and sick, you dropped out before you could complete final semester. So you stayed at home for an entire year, and you hated it. Nevertheless, you went on to complete your bachelor’s and even went as far as Honor’s. But after that, you’d decided you’d had enough. So, no master’s degree.

COVID-19 happened in 2020. There’s no need for you to know about this. You survived. That’s all that matters. In that same year, you interned at a good firm. But never got the same job again. You changed churches about four times! Yes, you left SDA. I can’t believe it either. This happened after you broke up with your boyfriend and became born again. Crazy right? Yeah, yeah, you love him. But still, as the great Luther Vandross once sang, “Your secret love, can never be your true love.”

You didn’t meet your husband yet. Girl. You’re so single right now, you make other single people look like they’re in relationships! You went on a couple of dates though. Unfortunately, hubby won’t be your first of everything like you expected. Interestingly, you had a white sugar daddy for a day. Bulgarian. Rich Accent. Right ear piercing. Gold family ring. Don’t worry – nothing happened. He just took you out to lunch, but ghosted you immediately afterwards. Maybe it’s because you didn’t want to give up "the goods". I don’t know. He never said. You have daddy issues by the way. But don’t worry, we’re dealing with that as best we can. Plot twist! At 24, you did meet a man soon after that, whose soul was able to hug yours. But alas, t’was not meant to be. Plot twist again! Also, your relationship with mom never started like you wanted. And her boyfriend never left. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

You don’t have a Polo Vivo, but you do have a driver’s licence and now you drive like you own the streets. You don’t have children, but you do have an amazing nephew and even stayed home to take care of him for his first year of life. Yep, that’s right. Sis got married too! And although you spent FOUR YEARS in and out of hospital because UC nearly took your guts out, your worst fear came to pass: the medical aid ceased. Good news is, you DID NOT.

Honey, I know it’s a lot to take in. So breathe. Logic and Critic tried their best with what they knew to help you get through life. But they didn’t know everything. And they for sure didn’t know Him. “Him? Who’s Him?” You don’t know Him yet, but He’ll come into your life soon and make everything peaceful. When you’re sad, He’ll be there to listen and console you. He’ll bring you good friends to do life with. When you’re lonely in hospital, He’ll sing you a song and then watch you sleep. When you’re happy, He’ll smile with you too and dance along. When you’re depressed (yes, that happened too), He’ll not condemn you. I want to let you know, that you can rest now. Although your plans didn’t all come to pass, I want you to know that everything is okay. Not because of sheer luck, but because I met Someone, you don’t know yet. I met Jesus, and He has other plans. So, let’s go with that.

SEHLI at 18, you don’t know how loved and cherished you are. You often look down on yourself and think you’re not good enough. Most times, Logic and Critic held you back and you forsook your gifts and talents.  But, the 25 year-old you knows better now. I'm an artist by birth (which is something you tried to bury).Yebo! I carry myself with strength and dignity. I no longer fear and hide. I laugh at my future to come. I’m now a woman who fears the Lord, and that is praiseworthy. SEHLI, my love, the Lord is with me now. And I’m so successful.

Yours Sincerely,
SEHLI at 25

09 October 2024