A parent’s guide to the best ways to help your cross country runner succeed and enjoy the sport.

AUGUST 27, 2020

JONATHAN BEVERLY

Every cross country parent wants their child to do well. We often struggle, however, in knowing how best to support and encourage them. A parent’s role in a runner’s success is as or more important than the coach’s, but entirely different. Learning more about the sport can provide insight into how a parent can excel in filling this essential position on the team.

The Rebuilders

Unlike many other sports, where the majority of training is learning skills and plays, training for running is primarily conditioning: adapting the body to be able to handle the demands of speed and distance. Conditioning works by stressing the body beyond what it has been accustomed to, tearing it down with hard training sessions. The body responds by calling in reinforcements and rebuilding stronger so that it can handle the stress the next time it has to face it without damage. Without recovery and rebuilding, runners get more and more beat up until they break.

Thus, recovery time between workouts is more important than the workouts. And, two of three elements of recovery — time, fuel and sleep — fall in the parents’ realm. Allowing enough time between hard workouts to enable rebuilding is the coach’s responsibility. Ensuring that the runner gets adequate fuel and sleep happens when the runner is home with the parent.

The best way to help your runner get stronger and faster is to improve their nutrition and encourage adequate sleep. Nutrition needn’t be complicated: They don’t need special protein shakes or excess carbs. They do need a variety of fresh, whole foods and to minimize processed products full of sugar. Make it easy for them to snack on fruit. Provide regular, old-fashioned meals with a balance of protein, carbs and colorful vegetables. Help them keep hydrated with water.

As for sleep, the more they can get the better. Elite runners report sleeping up to 14 hours a day. Teens need 8–10 hours even when they aren’t adding the additional stress of distance running. We can’t, of course, make our kids sleep, but we can help them take it seriously, do the math on when they should be headed to bed, and encourage them to create a sleep-conducive environment in their bedrooms: cool, dark, quiet, and free from technological distractions (particularly phones).

A Mental Balancing Act

Knowing how to best encourage a young athlete to do their best is difficult for parents in any sport. It may be even harder in cross country because of the unique challenges of distance running.

When running a 5K, you’re not only trying to focus and execute an athletic skill, but you’re also in a constant struggle to balance your effort with the demands of the remaining distance, given your body’s current signals of distress. You’re always asking, “Am I able to do this?” Training is as much about honing runners’ belief in their ability to handle harder and harder efforts and not blow up, as it about building physical skill.

The goal is to reach a point where high skill meets high challenge; as the race grows increasingly more difficult, you’re able to say, “This is really hard—and I’ve got it!” In these moments, the runner can focus fully on running well, tapping into all of his or her skill to succeed; he or she can find “Flow.”

Note, however, that this challenge and skill are both self-perceived and constantly variable. You not only need the skill to meet the challenge, you also have to believe that you have it — and that belief is fragile and fickle. Whenever the perceived challenge — holding the pace, climbing this hill, needing to pass another runner — exceeds a runners’ belief that they can accomplish it, they become overwhelmed, withdraw from the struggle and start to make excuses.

As a parent, you’ve seen this happen: They come by you on the course, dramatically in distress, breathing raggedly, form falling apart or holding their side; they may even call out, “I can’t…” Less dramatically, they simply withdraw from the challenge and fall back in the pack, afterwards providing excuses or expressing bewilderment at their inability to perform as expected.

Managing Expectations

Which brings us to our role as parents. The worst thing we can do before or during a race is to increase the challenge beyond our runner’s perceived skill. Raising the challenge is easy to do and often well-intentioned. For example, the day before the race, or at breakfast on race morning, we ask if they are going to win, or break 20 minutes today, or beat a rival runner. We tell them we believe they can, thinking we are being encouraging.

But if the runner doesn’t believe it, we’ve already set an expectation they need to meet or explain why they couldn’t. We’ve already started the internal panic that the task is bigger than they can accomplish, the feeling of being overwhelmed, the need to find excuses.

What can we say that tells them we care and want them to be the best runner they can be? One suggestion is to simply ask, “Are you going to do your best?” When they say yes, leave it at that. Say you are proud of them and looking forward to seeing them run.

You can ask them their goals, but be sure to accept what they say is the best they believe they can do on this day — even if that is less than what you know they are capable of. Runners have enough people setting expectations they have to live up to, from teammates to coaches to fans in the community. Encourage your runner to set multiple goals: some that are a reach and only possible if all goes well, some that are realistic based on recent workouts, and some fallback that they can hold onto and accomplish even on a bad day. One of the beauties of cross country is that every scoring runner matters equally, and every runner has multiple ways to measure progress and success in each race.

If In Doubt, Cheer

During the race, recognize that your runner is treading a continual tightrope between caring and despairing, pushing harder and giving up. Many well-meaning sideline cheers — “Pass that girl now!” “Push it!” “Kick it in!” — add to the challenge side of the equation, giving the runner more to deal with rather than more confidence to succeed. Even encouraging cheers like, “You’ve got this!” or “You’re strong!” can be interpreted as pressure when the runner doesn’t feel that way at the moment — causing them to start looking for excuses for why they aren’t as strong as you think they are.

What does help from the sidelines? Everyone likes to hear something different. Some runners like information: Split times, how far the next runner is behind them, how bad the runner ahead of them looks (without adding, “You can get her!” — they need to decide that). Some like reminders of things they can do to focus and run better, cheers like, “Stay tall!” “Breath,” “Quick strides,” “Relax your shoulders.” Some might have a mantra they’ll share with you: “I’m in control,” “Relax and fly,” “Shut up and run”… Ask your runner what will motivate and help him or her.

The safest, always welcome thing to do on the sidelines is what fans do in all other sports where they aren’t close enough to feel they have to instruct or bolster: They clap, whistle, get excited, cheer: “Way to go!” “Great job!”

The One They Never Have to Apologize To

After the race, be the one who is proud regardless of the outcome. Ask how they felt about it. Accept their analysis. Celebrate every improvement and resist the urge to immediately raise the bar to the next level.

Praise their effort as much or more than their success. Make it your goal to be the one person they never have to make excuses to, because they know your care is not dependent on how fast a runner they are. If they need to work harder to accomplish their goals, let the coach figure out how to get them to the point where they can give that level of effort. Your support, combined with growing skill and confidence, will carry them higher than they can imagine today, and you’ll get to celebrate every step of improvement together.

-Written by Lori Wilcox, MileSplit writer and mother of a scholarship runner at Oklahoma State University

Aug 16, 2022

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Cross Country is a unique sport - one that requires consistent training and discipline. Parents and fans line the course on race day to cheer on a favorite runner and their team.  But what are the best things parents can do throughout the season and high school career of a cross country runner?

For starters, be as involved as you possibly can and get to know the coach and team.  XC coaches are very unique, in that they coach their kids year-round.  Most aren't paid for the summer training they provide, but they realize that summer can make or break a season.  It's also a more relaxed time for the team to bond.  And important note - if your athlete doesn't train consistently over the summer, they will be miserable when the season starts.   

Learn about the sport.  There are individual stars, but it's a team sport.  There are introverts, extroverts and everything in between.  And it's one of the only sports where all team members compete at each meet.    

Cross Country is not subjective.  Kids put in the work and they can see improvement throughout the season.  It's inspiring to watch kids blossom, as they realize the merits of consistent hard work and discipline.

It's a fact - high school kids don't always communicate effectively.  Go to parent and booster club meetings and listen to the coach.  Read team emails and talk to veteran parents.  Learn the importance of terms like "carb loading" and "electrolytes."  Understand that training shoes need to be replaced after a certain amount of mileage, and that those shin splints could have been prevented.  Coaches tell athletes these important things, but the message doesn't always make it home.

Trust the coach.  Don't think that you know more than the coach.  Encourage open lines of communication, as high schoolers should be able to speak for themselves.  Be adamant that your child report pain or injuries immediately.  Nothing positive comes from hiding issues.   

No matter the talent level of your athlete, he or she is part of a team and should act accordingly.  Remind them - locker room shenanigans, inappropriate social media posts and behavior on and off campus should reflect positively on the student and the team.  A coach never wants to bench anyone.  And athletes don't want to miss part of their season due to a self-inflicted scandal.

Help your child find balance.  A core value of distance running is discipline.  Some high school athletes achieve early success and want to take things to the next level.  They begin taking extreme measures with certain things they can control, like a highly restrictive diet.  The teen brain doesn't comprehend the short and long-term physical damage this may cause.  And when a highly trained, disciplined athlete can't perform - mental health can suffer.  So encouraging a good life balance is important. 

College athletic aspirations?  Athletes should consult with their coach for realistic expectations with regard to recruiting.  And yes, grades do matter.  Most XC/T&F scholarships aren't full rides, but can be combined with academic money.  Keep coaches in the loop, as your athlete emails coaches expressing interest in their program.  Many high school coaches have competed and coached at the collegiate level.  They are an invaluable resource.   

Most of all - enjoy this time with your kid and their teammates.  One of the best parent tips is that sometimes volunteering to "help the team" is a good cover story, as a way to make your presence acceptable.  And you might make some great friends along the way.

How to raise a champion - chill out

This article came from the Growth Equation blog and was written by former college coach and author Steve Magness: https://thegrowtheq.com/how-to-raise-a-champion-chill-out/?utm_source=The+Growth+Equation&utm_campaign=41aa56e9e3-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2017_07_14_COPY_01&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_ca7b0a0e16-41aa56e9e3-179918038

When it comes to their child’s athletic pursuits, parents can go a bit crazy. They lose it on the sideline, yelling at the referee at their 8-year-old’s soccer match. They stress over whether their kid is making progress and if he or she is good enough for the travel team or to make varsity. Even those who keep their cool can get swept into the march toward college scholarships, and maybe the allure of professional sport. They hire private coaches, move high schools to provide better opportunities, and go all-in, transforming their family into one dominated by soccer, baseball, football, track, or whatever the chosen path is.

It’s natural to want your kids to succeed, to want the best for them. Occasionally, this behavior is a result of the parent vicariously living through their children. But more often than not, the parent’s heart is in the right place. They want to support their child, to give them the best opportunity to succeed. Which is why a few recent conversations with a few former professional athletes struck me as interesting.

For instance, Lindsay Gallo observed, “My sense…is that (former elite athletes) are relatively more laid back about their young kids’ athletic endeavors.” Gallo was a former teammate of mine on a post-collegiate track club. She was also one of the best in the country, placing 6th at the Olympic Trials in 2008. Wouldn’t you expect the parents who made it to the top themselves to be hard-charging, to give their kids the advantages they wished they had, to pass on the lessons that got them to the top?

My inclination is that those who made it to the top understand both the difficulty in doing so and the luck involved. They know that it’s a long, windy path, and that in order to get through, the deep motivation and relentless drive is going to have to come from within. No amount of cajoling will help. Other former elite athletes expressed to me that there will be enough expectations and pressure on the child already, so why add more? Instead of yelling or videoing every move, they sit quietly on the sideline of their kid’s games.

After spending over a decade in the coaching world, helping high school and college athletes excel at and continue their athletic pursuits, I got to interact with my fair share of parents. The vast majority were great. But there are a few lessons that I’d like to pass on. Parenting is difficult, and I’m not trying to say this stuff easy. This is just one person’s perspective from being on the other side. Consider it a coach’s version of parental Bootcamp, lessons I wish every parent knew when it came to supporting their child’s endeavors, be it athletic or academic.

1. The fire has to come from your kids.

This may seem obvious, but it’s worth repeating. If you look at the research on prodigies and phenoms who eventually become standout adult performers, a deep intrinsic drive is a requirement.The problem is that success often pulls us away from this inner drive. We start out playing soccer or the violin because it is interesting and fun. As we get better, we get accolades from our coaches, teachers, and others. We start winning trophies, hearing our name on the morning announcements or in the online commentary, and before we know it, we’re pulled towards the external.

The best way to create and maintain intrinsic motivation? Let your kids dabble, explore, and find something where their interests and talents align. Then let them enjoy it, without an undue emphasis on success. (For a deep dive on this topic, check out our most underrated, book The Passion Paradox.)

2. Make sure your kids are doing it because they enjoy it, not because they see you enjoying it, and thus want your love and support.

One pitfall I saw quite often is that kids learned that they could get mom or dad’s undivided attention, love, and support when pursuing an activity. If dad was all about football, then of course little Johnny wanted to play football. When kids are young, we often confuse them doing the activity because they like it with them doing it because they know mom and dad like that they are doing it.

Kids just want to be loved, supported, and cared about. If the only way they get that is through some sport or doing some crazy thing, they’ll do it. It’s great to connect with your kids over shared interests. But like most things in life, there’s a healthy balance to be had. One of Brad’s parenting mantras is “love your kid, not what they are doing.”

3. The car ride home is the most important part.

Remember your role in your child’s activities. There’s no need to critique, berate, or even coach your kid up after the game. That’s not your role. If after a win or loss you’re always obsessing about the game, what message does the child receive? It’s very easy to turn a child’s passion into something they dread by ending every activity with a lecture on what they could do better.

In psychology, there’s a concept called the peak-end rule. It’s a heuristic for how we remember past events. We tend to remember the peak of the emotional experience, maybe when you scored the game-winning goal, and the last part of it; in this case, the car ride home.

Be there to support, no matter the outcome. Resist going into coaching mode. You are the parent. Leave the coaching to the coach.

4. Teach your kid how to lose well.

Sports are great for teaching life lessons. A tough loss forces us to deal with our competitiveness and a swirl of negative emotions. The message shouldn’t be that losing is bad; that we should ignore that experience; or that we should learn to hate losing.

Failure is a part of life. The earlier someone learns how to process, learn, and grow from failure, the better. If you see your child losing it, freaking out, unable to handle a tough loss, consider it as a sign they need perspective. (Same goes for the parents.)

Losing well is about creating space between who you are and what you do and having multiple sources of meaning in your life. This allows you to occupy a place where of course you want to get better, but it’s not the end of the world if you suffer defeat. In this way you can more easily rebound and then evaluate what went wrong with a clear mind. We do our best when we are challenged, but not threatened. Don’t set your kid up to be in threat mode.

5. If your kid is going to be good or even great at something, they’ll figure it out.

Private coaching, travel teams, and so forth aren’t going to make or break your kid. If he or she is good enough to make it at the highest level, they’ll get there.

I know this sounds sacrilegious. To just trust that things will work out. To not spend your life obsessing over how to give someone a one-up. But we often overemphasize the minor items, blowing them up as if they are what matter most. Sure, some extra help and support are sometimes needed. But what often happens is people take advantage of a parent’s desire for their child to make it, whatever “make it” means. Be wary of anyone promising results, scholarships, and the like. Be wary of anyone who tells you that their child needs to quit their team in favor of some private coach or special organization. There’s a whole cottage industry of youth gurus promising performance, scholarships, and more.

Don’t be the parent who thinks the coaching guru or a recruiting service is the difference-maker. It isn’t. If your kid is good enough and motivated, they’ll figure it out.

6. Your support should be unconditional; it should not be dependent on the results of the game (or if they even play a game to begin with).

This is a simple, but worthwhile reminder. Win or lose, be there. That’s it. It’s not complicated.

7. Resist the urge to always step in.

Let your kid figure things out. Support them. But let them figure out how to navigate some of the challenges that come with sport. Look for your spots to step in when needed. But don’t be the overbearing parent who goes to the coach or teacher every time your child underperforms. Let them navigate it. Sport and the classroom are great and safe containers for the real world.

8. Hold yourself back from going all-in.

A few times a month I get a message from a worried parent that their kid isn’t measuring up or progressing as fast their peers. They obviously care, but they suggest drastic interventions as the solution. So I’m going to say this: Don’t move across the state or country chasing athletics. Your kid isn’t that good. And if he or she is, they’ll make it regardless of where they are at.

You may think going all-in to help your child is a good thing. The more invested you are, the more pressure and expectations fall on that child’s lap. You want to support, not obsess. If you obsess, I promise it will end up backfiring. If the child chooses to be a bit obsessive about their sport, it should be entirely their decision. Your job as a parent then transitions to providing perspective, to help ensure that his or her passion is the harmonious variety and not the obsessive, that they don’t fall for the same trap that Lance Armstrong or Elizabeth Holmes did.

9. Chill out and step back.

Every coach has a story of a parent who by all accounts was loving, yet their simply showing up to a game or meet would cause their child to underperform. It wasn’t anything they said at the competition. It was just that their parent was in the stands.

In fact, research shows that choking in sport is partially because we perform in front of an audience and feel judged. In an article entitled The Many Threats of Self-Consciousness, Massimilano Cappuccio and colleagues concluded that “concerns about self-presentation may be the origin of the increased state anxiety for choking-susceptible athletes.” It’s not that audiences are a requirement for choking. It’s that they encourage and activate threat mode, when our sense of self is in danger in something that we care about. Choking isn’t succumbing to the pressure; it is a self-protective strategy gone wrong. And one of the items that activates this is when we are performing in front of people we care about, people whose opinions we value.

It’s why when researchers studied a variety of ways to increase anxiety and the impact each had on performance, it wasn’t punishment or playing for money that causes anxiety increase and performance to decline. It was performing in front of teammates or coaches. The same holds for parents. People want to perform well in front of those that matter. They feel like they let you down if they don’t. This occurs even if you are the kindest, most loving person in the world. It’s human nature. You can think of all the above principles as ways not to exacerbate it.

***

After spending a decade handing out athletic scholarships before stepping away from collegiate coaching, the best advice I can give is to not play the “pursuit of the scholarship” game. If the child is good enough and wants it, they’ll figure it out. If it’s coming from mom or dad, the coach will see that.

My first year in college coaching a parent and kid walked into my office. The parent spent 30 minutes going on and on about their child, the talent they had, and how they had so much more potential than the results they’d shown so far. The kid barely talked.

The tennis coach who had an office next to mine came in after the parent had left. He said, “Just a word of advice, you don’t want that athlete. It won’t turn out well for the kid. And the parent will be a headache.”

And more often than not, in similar situations, that tennis coach was correct. Let your kids be kids. Support them. But don’t get in their way. They’ve already got enough expectations and pressure from living in a world where they are constantly judged on social media, where they have to measure up against the world instead of just their local school. Give them space explore and basic support, and then get out of their way.

The odds are your child isn’t going to be a champion. It’s just how odds work. So do you want to leave them with a positive experience, with life lessons on learning how to fail, compete, be a great teammate, and so on? Or do you want to wring every bit of joy out of the process, in the minuscule chance it helps them make it to the top, when the reality is your pushing probably actually hurts over the long haul.

Take a lesson from those who’ve made it, like Lindsay Gallo. It is okay to be laid back about your kid’s future athletic success. In fact, it probably helps.