Divorce

The best predictor of a child's outcome in a separation is how well the parents get along! Children need their parents to get along because it makes them feel like they still have some kind of a family. "Cooperation is the most important contribution separating parents can make to their children's emotional wellbeing", because it increases their child's feelings of security and stability. "Cooperation is the best healer of emotional distress in children."

Rules of Separation

• DON'T STOP YOUR CHILD FROM SEEING THE OTHER PARENT - Your relationship with your child can be placed at risk if you withhold them from spending time with the other parent. They may create a fantasy image of the other parent in their head and leave home as soon as they’re old enough to seek the “idealised” parent out. When your child is older, they will be able to understand both parents’ perspectives. If you deny them a relationship with the other parent, your child might be angry about you preventing them from developing a relationship with the other parent.

• WHAT TO TELL YOUR CHILD - The truth about what's happened so they can be reassured about how they will fit into the separated family structure. Tell them they will have ongoing relationships with both parents. Both parents should agree on one story, e.g., 'We have decided to separate because we are no longer happy living together'. Do not add critical comments about each other. Tell them both parents will always love them. Most importantly, tell them it is not their fault and that THEY DID NOT CONTRIBUTE IN ANY WAY TO THEIR PARENT'S DECISION TO SEPARATE. By reassuring and not involving them in the parental dispute, parents are protecting the children's emotional wellbeing.

What story do you want your child to have about their parent's separation when they are adults? Do you want them to say they appreciated your capacity to enable them to have a good ongoing relationship with both of you, or do you want them to tell people they were robbed of their childhood?

• WHY YOU SHOULD NOT SPEAK BADLY ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT - It makes children feel bad about themselves. Because children understand that they are biologically half of their mom and half their dad. Hence, if their mom and dad make each other feel bad, then the child believes he or she must also make his or her mom and dad feel bad. If you say bad things about your ex, you are actually saying bad things about your child, which is detrimental to their wellbeing.

• DO NOT EXPOSE THEM TO CONFLICT AT ANY TIME - It causes great distress to them, the issues doe not belong to them, and it harms them emotionally.

• DO NOT INVOLVE YOUR CHILDREN IN YOUR OWN FEELINGS - This is extremely important. If you share your sadness with your child, he or she is likely to worry about you and may not feel they can tell you about their own worries or sadness for fear of adding to your distress. They need your reassurance, not your worries. In this case, the child has taken on a parent role at the time when they most need comfort from their parent. Talk to a friend, a family member, or a therapist about your own sadness. It is appropriate that you tell them you are feeling sad but reassure them quickly that you will feel better soon once you've spoken with (friend, Grandma). This will reassure your child that you have the capacity to cope and you are modelling a way to cope with sadness.

• DO NOT DUMP YOUR OWN TRUTHS ABOUT EACH OTHER ON YOUR CHILDREN - Many parents believe that an open, honest relationship with their children is paramount. So they share the 'truth' about the other parent with their child. But whose 'truth' is it? Unless you failed to meet your child's needs, your child will probably believe you are the best parent in the world! Children need to keep their own truths about their parents in order to feel good about themselves and maintain their self esteem. Your children need to keep believing they have the best parents in the world so they can keep believing they are the best kids in the world!

1. PARENTS MUST MAKE THE DECISIONS - The more children hear, 'Mom and I will talk about it' or 'Dad and I will talk about it', the more secure they will hear. Children can feel burdened to fix everything, make everyone happy. They may say they want to live with you. Make sure parents are making the decisions, not the child, and state that clearly.

2. ADHERE TO THE PARENTING AGREEMENT - Children look forward to spending time with the parent they see less. Prioritize time with your child and only cancel if absolutely necessary. Give as much notice as possible. Cancellations may lead to loss of trust and feelings of rejection.

3. BE ON TIME - This is to prevent conflict from developing between parents and to prevent feelings of rejection in the child.

4. USE FLEXIBILITY WISELY - The best parenting agreement is clear and reliable, but has a little flexibility to allow a child to have the best experiences both parents can offer. This means that if either of you has an opportunity that will benefit your child, but that falls outside your normal parenting time, it is often in the child's best interests to be permitted to go. This requires both parents cooperate and perhaps make up the time children may have missed with the other parent.

5. NEGOTIATE WITH THE OTHER PARENT FIRST - Always discuss changes with your former partner first before telling your child to avoid disappointment or your child feeling responsible.

6. NEVER COMMUNICATE ARRANGEMENTS THROUGH YOUR CHILD - Children need to focus on their own development and the simple act of maintaining a relationship with both parents. They are not responsible for passing messages between former partners.

7. DO NOT QUESTION YOUR CHILD IN DETAIL - Do not questions your child about specifics that take place in your former partner's home. Your child's sense of loyalty is then divided between you and your former partner. Let your child tell you in his or her time about the time they had. It is appropriate to ask if they enjoyed themselves or if they had a good time.

8. DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR CHILD TELLS YOU - Your child wants to feel close to you. To do so, they may tell you things about themselves or the other parent that may not be entirely true. If you child has been exposed to conflict between two parents, your child may unwittinghly say things that fuel the conflict because they have not understood everything that is going on. If your child says anything alarming, check with your former partner first.

9. RESPECT THE ROLE, EVEN IF YOU NO LONGER RESPECT THE PERSON - Both parents have an important role to play in a child's development. If you can see your respective roles as separate from, and as more important than, your personal issues, it will be a lot easier for you to negotiate your child's ongoing needs. You will also be encouraging your child to respect you both as parents and your child will be more likely to have a happy story as an adult.

10. BEHAVE RESPECTFULLY - Act if you have to, but let your child see you behave respectfully toward your former partner. If you continue to have feelings such as anger, hostility or sadness, approach the transfer of your child with a limited conversation. Do not engage in conversations if emotions are still raw. Remember: cooperations heals children, conflict harms them. If you act as if you're coping, you may suprise yourself with your capacity to do so.

11. PRIORITIZE THE EXPERIENCES - Remember that children remember what they did and how they felt when they did it!

12. FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT, NOT YOUR FORMER PARTNER AND WHAT HE OR SHE IS DOING WRONG - This will encourage both parents to take personal responsibility for being cooperative and respectful. The cycle of cooperation will develop and support your child. Litigation and court orders fade into the background when everyone can get along to an extent and everyone is focused on the love and welfare of a child.