2025 October 6 - Being and Childhood

When I was a child I liked to dress up and pretend to be an adult. I liked pretending to read the newspaper and trying hopelessly to fit into my Dads ‘business shoes.’ I liked old things like antiques, pocket-watches, and simple machines. I collected ties from old relatives and I was seldom seen outside the house without a collared shirt. Of course I also did ‘normal’ kid things like playing imagination games outside and making up fantasy stories with action figures. However, now I am starting to think that much of what made me a child was the former category and not the latter. 

When adults try to rekindle childhood wonder they often look at the superficial and imaginary aspects of childhood. But, when you think back to what it was actually like to be a child you will remember that it — like everything else in life — was a process of becoming. In this case, becoming an adult. At some point in your life, while playing some kind of pretend-adult game, some sad adult told you, “never grow up.” What they did not tell you is that you never really stop playing this game. When adults look backwards at children to learn how to be children again they are already failing, necessarily, because it is from their adult perspective that they perform this action. Instead, one should embody the perspective of the child and what they will see is that the world hasn’t gotten any less wonderful. And actually, you just got better at playing that pretend game. 

In my life, since I was a child, I don’t think I ever stopped pretending, but I did, until recently, forget that that is what I was doing. I never stopped wearing collared shirts — and now I get to iron them! — and I proudly have a mustache for the same reason. I think what makes certain adults magnetic to children is a tacit understanding of the concept I am promoting here. Importantly, they do not radiate adultness nor childness. The actual truth is paradoxical, these people radiate vulnerability and honesty by demonstrating the known and unspoken fact that what they are doing is all an act. (In other words, the only way to be truthful is to communicate the fact that you are lying). And, when you live knowing that everything is an act it is not long before those superficial imaginary aspects that you were longing for naturally make their way back into your life. Maybe I am a bad actor or just unapologetically me, but I feel like I have been good at this in my life. 

Finally, I think I owe this lesson to the unimaginably brave trans people I have been lucky enough to have in my life. A similar idea that I was able to happen upon through intellectual investigation, trans people must reckon with by (often lethal) force. The ineffable Judith Butler once wrote: "There is no gender identity behind the expressions of gender; that identity is performatively constituted by the very 'expressions' that are said to be its results.” I think the same holds true for all bodies and identities, and it is no coincidence that these ideas are intertwined. In many cultures, one becomes gendered as an adult (i.e. man or woman) the moment they start developing sexual characteristics (i.e. puberty).