So am I the only person who really liked 2019?

I'm not kidding, this was a wonderfully fascinating year from a chart-watcher's perspective. A novelty song about horses featuring the Achy Breaky Heart guy spent 19 weeks at #1, Post Malone became the most consistently good pop act on the charts, and any year where Tyler, the Creator has a top 20 hit is getting a pass in my books. Combine this with the swath of breakout talents including Billie Eilish, Lizzo, DaBaby, and Megan Thee Stallion, and I had some trouble filling out the ranks of this list.

However, it wasn't all horses and sunflowers: Chris Brown had his first top five hit since the Rihanna incident, the dregs of last year's crap still lingered throughout this year, and not all of the new acts were that good, so it's not like I had no material here.

And before we start, let's establish our ground rules.

• Songs must have spent 10 weeks on the Billboard Hot 100 and peaked in the top 40 sometime between last November and this December.
  • Even if a song has made the Year-End Hot 100, if it has not met this qualification, it is not eligible. In the case of 2019, both "Worth It" by YK Osiris and "Talk You Out of It" by Florida Georgia Line are eliminated from eligibility.
• I am only allowing one song per lead artist on this list and one song per featured artist – e.g. I can't have both "Nice for What" and "God's Plan" on the same list, and I can't have both "Walk It Talk It" and "Going Bad" on the same list, but I can have "Going Bad" and "Nice for What" on the same list. If I didn't have this rule, I'd just be repeating a lot of the statements I had already made at earlier points.
  • This rule does not apply to Dishonorable Mentions.

And with that said, these are...

The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2019

#10

Every year, in these circles of pop music discourse, there are always gonna be some songs that become easy punching bags. And this year, no song fit that role better than Lewis Capaldi's "Someone You Loved".

Now make no mistake, this song is bad. Very bad. But in a sense, despite its many obvious shortcomings, I get this song. It's not flattering at all, but it's raw. It's the sound of some guy in his early 20s who just got broken up with, putting a song together within a night, just as a form of catharsis. It's the same sort of appeal as a song like the late Juice WRLD's "Robbery" – another song you will not see here.

This, on the other hand...

10. "Be Alright" by Dean Lewis

[Peak: 23]

This is our annual entry for the worst 'white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar' song of the year, and while it's nowhere near as bad as last year's, it still suffers from many of the same shortcomings. First off, this song is a mess lyrically. While there's nothing wrong with some good old-fashioned teenage melodrama, with this in particular being about Dean's girlfriend cheating on him with one of his friends, the song doesn't allow itself to fully commit to the melodrama by framing the hook in third person – his other friend is telling him to move on and crack open a cold one. And it's pretty clear that Dean's now-ex-girlfriend has moved on – she's moved, kissing another guy, but Dean is simply stunned by how she's happy and over him when he's still in pain.

While this is a toxic mindset, it's not like that couldn't be properly sold with the right framing. However, we don't get that here, as Dean Lewis is simply not a good singer. He doesn't sell the anguish that a song like this needs, rather he sounds tired, like he's just trying to get this song over with - why else does he sing the word "fucking" like he just spotted a bug on his pants?

But what really drags this song down is the awful mixing. The piano and guitar have no room to breathe, the bass is thin, and Lewis himself struggles to poke out of the extremely overmixed drums, which are layered over the guitars in a way that saps the power out of both. There's no life to this, instead there's just a weak vocalist singing weak lyrics over a weak instrumental. Just a weak song in general.

#9

Hey, remember this song?

This was a lightning in a bottle moment – Bruno Mars was completely on point in a way he hadn't been since "Uptown Funk", the rising superstar of Cardi B was channeling her inner Left-Eye, and the new jack swing style of the song fit both performers to a tee.

Let's do that again but worse.

9. "Please Me" by Cardi B & Bruno Mars

[Peak: 3]

Few acts this year have squandered their potential quite as much as Cardi B, and that’s a shame because you know what? I still really like Invasion of Privacy, and having seen her live her strengths are only more apparent! A ton of charisma, a strong personality, and a knack for quotables...and yet her output in 2019 was consistently disappointing, with really only 1 and a half good verses not compensating for the waves of half-assed singles and features. And while she delivered worse this year, Please Me is not one that flatters her strengths. Sure, there's personality, and a few quotables, but in general she's definitely phoning it in.

And while there’s something to be said about how Bruno Mars is belting his ass off, the sloppy vocal production shorts that energy, resulting in him sounding less like a suave, smooth ladies’ man and more varying levels of drunk. This also leads to him not having as much chemistry with Cardi B, which if you remember was the main reason “Finesse” worked in the first place.

But the real crime here is the production. The instrumental is flimsy and grooveless, with drums that are way too loud, cheap synths, and a backing warble that reeks of cheap liquor and jizz - all mixed in a way that makes the song feel cluttered and almost claustrophobic, giving this the feeling of an expensive sequel that just lacks the magic of the original. And coming from two forces of personality like Cardi and Bruno, it’s such a disappointment. What a shame, really.

#8

6ix9ine.

We did not see a lot of 6ix9ine on the charts this year. Sure, some of the tracks on his DUMMY BOY album charted for like, a few weeks in December, but otherwise we got basically nothing from him...with one exception.

You see, 6ix9ine was able to score a pretty big hit this year as a featured artist, using his clout plus all the buzz for a different New York rapper to push another track into the top 40. And while I don’t think everything 6ix9ine touches is trash - I like "BILLY", "STOOPID" and "KIKA" just fine - this isn’t one of his good ones.

8. "Swervin" by A Boogie wit da Hoodie feat. 6ix9ine

[Peak: 38]

Now, while 6ix9ine is the only reason why this song became popular outside of New York, this is primarily A Boogie wit da Hoodie’s song, so let’s talk about him.

Among the new wave of melodic rappers, I don’t mind A Boogie wit da Hoodie. He’s not my favorite of the bunch, but he has a good ear for hooks and I see where a lot of his hype comes from. However, his Hoodie SZN album from last December was really boring and way too long, and this is by far one of the worst tracks. Part of the blame falls on A Boogie himself, as his laid-back delivery goes in through one ear and out the other, and when he’s not doing that, he’s trying to pull a Young Thug impression that just does not work.

In addition, London on da Track’s production does not do Boogie any favors. Now I don’t mind him as a producer, I’ve liked his work with Post Malone, Young Thug and even Kodak Black, but his beat here is limp, with the melody and bounce of the song feeling completely neutralized.

And then you add in 6ix9ine, who doesn’t try to fit with the beat or tone of the song, doing his typical howling in a way that simply clashes with everything. Once you add in A Boogie trying to match his content when they start trading bars, you end up being taken out of whatever vibe the song had set up, leading to an awkward experience and frankly, not one worth returning to.

#7

So, here’s something about me: I’m involved with the sound crew for my school’s musical this year. The show we’re doing happens to be The Sound of Music, so with that vague sense of authority, I proclaim that this song does, in fact, suck eggs.

But not for the reasons you think it does.

7. "7 rings" by Ariana Grande

[Peak: 1]

Now before I explain why this doesn’t work, I’ll say that this song’s idea is brilliant on paper – the original “My Favorite Things” is about the various things Maria thinks about to cheer her up, so flipping that into a trap song by way of retail therapy is quite a novel concept. I even get the "must not have had enough money to solve 'em" line – the style of the song doesn't fit the vocal flamboyance and whistle tones you'd expect from Ariana, so to compensate the lyrics are blown out of proportion. It all makes sense on paper.

The only problem is that everything about the execution is terrible.

I don’t know if any vocalist could split the difference between show tunes and Soulja Boy – maybe Tinashe, or one of the people involved with Six: The Musical, but Ariana Grande certainly isn’t the one to do it. While she may have indulged in trap production before with results that I actually liked (see 2018's "God is a woman"), “7 rings” has her go all-in on the sound, reducing her singing to just the verses and leaving her rapping to do most of the hard work, which comes off as forced and devoid of passion - and I’m not talking in the way some trap artists sound bored, she genuinely sounds like she has no idea what she’s doing.

And it’s not like her producers are helping. For starters, the double-tracking on her vocals is egregious, and for some reason they decided to pitch-shift it at points, resulting in some of the ugliest vocal production I've heard all year.

And the instrumental here is even worse, with the 808s that sound half-dead, the limp bass, and the synths sound like they’re being suffocated in plastic wrap. It’s one of the most ugly-sounding songs I’ve heard all year.

Now while the rest of thank u, next was considerably stronger, it seems that the general public has hit Ariana fatigue, with her follow-up singles underperforming considerably. And it’s a shame that one of the defining acts of the 2010s, one who on the same album was making her career-best music, has this as her biggest hit. What a disappointment.

#6

Chris Brown.

6. "No Guidance" by Chris Brown feat. Drake

[Peak: 5]

While there is a lot to be said about how Chris Brown was able to make another godforsaken comeback, this time resulting in his biggest hit in eleven years, it’s also important to note that said hit is utter trash regardless.

Now calling this a Chris Brown song isn’t entirely fair – Drake has just as if not more of the runtime than Breezy does – so you know what, let’s start with him. While Drake has certainly delivered worse performances, “No Guidance” has one of Drake’s least inspired showings in a while. The lyrics are your standard hookup jam – he’s done this before and better – but what really drags him down is the outro, where Drake just horny-rambles as the beat plays out for a minute and a half.

But even if Drake was on his A-game, he’s still on a track with Chris Brown.

As per usual, Chris Brown is easily the worst part of the song. His autotuned caterwauling sounds terrible here, and for a more sensual song like this, it’s jarring to the point where it takes you out of the atmosphere the song was setting up. And while we’re talking about atmosphere, the beat is completely recycled from Chris' 2016 hit "Back to Sleep", except that this time, we have a pitched-up sample about how...uh…

"Before I die I'm tryna fuck you baby / Hopefully we don't have no babies"

Look, I know Chris Brown’s entire brand can be summed up as ‘uncomfortably horny’, but come on, have some tact here! This is too boring to turn up to, too creepy to work as a hookup jam, and by an artist who’s, at this rate, too worthless to keep around. What’s even the point.

#5

Longtime viewers of my YouTube channel probably expected me to put Panic! at the Disco’s “High Hopes” on this list, and while I did consider that, in light of recent events it seems that my job has been done for me.

Plus, the follow-up was worse anyways.

5. "Hey Look Ma, I Made It" by Panic! at the Disco

[Peak: 16]

Now the first defense of this song always seems to be the lyrical content, and you know what? I actually think this song is decently well-written. Sure, there’s no shortage of songs about how fame sucks, but the disgruntled sarcasm of the writing has a certain charm to it that I can get behind. But one of the tenets that I’ve always held up is that having good lyrics doesn’t inherently make a good song. It absolutely helps, but if the composition and the sound itself don’t hold up, the full piece doesn’t either.

And wow is that true for this, because while Brendon Urie is far from a bad singer and he can holler his ass off, the production is not flattering him, neutralizing his increasingly thin belting through a blend of compression and bad mixing.

The instrumentation here is even worse, with a fuzzed out synth that doesn’t even try to blend with the stiff drums, the horns that sound both overpowered and underpowered, or the slight touches of strings that are mixed way too low – yeah, this sounds like an AJR song, but with worse mixing.

And on the topic of mixing, for some reason, the main emphasis is placed on the synth and horns, which 1) means Brendon’s voice has to fight for dominance in the mix, which is not something he can pull off, and 2) it sounds awful because there’s no bass, and unlike with even “High Hopes”, there’s not even a sense of consistent bombast.

So what are we left with? A deflating parade balloon of a song, a waste of decent lyrics, and an undeserved third hit for a “band” way beyond their prime.

#4

2019 was a year that took some time to find its identity. Prior to "Old Town Road", the charts really just felt like a prolonging of 2018's pop scene. Think about it - songs like "Mo Bamba" and "ZEZE" are technically this year, but they absolutely feel like last's.

Among this strange crop, there was one song that really embodied this awkward transition phase, and unfortunately, it happened to be the worst of them.

4. "Without Me" by Halsey

[Peak: 1]

Now unlike most of this list, including what's coming up soon, my problems with this song are mostly lyrical, so for now we'll start with the production. While this song is trying to have a more atmospheric instrumental - think somewhere between Frank Ocean's "Nikes" and Drake's "Marvin's Room" as a point of reference - what Louis Bell's production ends up having is less a hazy wall of loneliness and more of your standard Halsey song played underwater.

But as I said, it's the writing where "Without Me" falls apart. This song tries to frame itself as a sad, depressive piece - hence the drunken feel of the beat, or Halsey's more somber vocal tone. It all works in theory - he cheated, she finds out, and now she's bewildered that he's moved on - wait, WHAT?

It's that chorus, "thinking you could live without me", that really sets my teeth on edge. Terrible vocal production aside, that dash of toxicity shorts the emotional pathos, and just because the bridge interpolates Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River" doesn't mean it has nearly the same level of punch.

Now it's not like there isn't a way to do a toxic breakup song correctly - the aforementioned "Cry Me a River" and Lil Uzi Vert's "XO TOUR Llif3" come to mind - but those songs intentionally paint both partners as assholes in a situation where no one looks good – and both Timberlake and Uzi are strong enough performers to sell it on their own. Halsey can sell this sentiment - her verse opposite Post Malone & Future on "Die for Me" proves that - but with the misframing of the song, we end up with a bitter misfire that doesn't work on any level.

#3

I never thought I’d have to talk about this guy again.

Well, that’s not entirely fair. Even though my qualms with this particular artist are...well documented, none of my issues with this song in particular have to do with them.

But oh, do I have my issues.

3. "BAD!" by [XXXTENTACION]

[Peak: 16]

There are two ways to approach this song. One is to view this is as a transparently unfinished turd, shoveled out by a label as quickly as possible to cash in on X’s mourning fans, even titling it in a way reminiscent of XXXTENTACION’s biggest song.

However, sources have stated that the album, or at least this song, was for all intents and purposes finished by the time of X’s death, so I will be judging this as if he was still alive. And by that standard, booooy is this one a stinker.

The main melody is nauseating, a slimy synth lead with barely any presence, not helped by an 808 that sounds half-dead and a hi-hat rattle with no power to it. Unfortunately, the latter two are front and center in the mix, drowning out even X here.

And while X fans will tell me that he’s a great singer, I’m...really not feeling it here. This sounds like it was recorded at 5 AM on 3 hours of sleep, and the way his voice fades in and out of the mix certainly isn’t helping.

Lyrically speaking, while this isn’t reprehensible like, say, “SAD!” was, this is one of the most sloppily-written songs I've ever heard. The verse is laughably basic, and the hook, which is basically 90% of the song’s runtime, doesn’t even scan properly.

"Shawty heard you bad...word, so profane, something like a bad, word"

What in the fuck are you talking about.

So at the end, what do we have? Whether or not this song was finished before X died, it’s a sack of shit with varying degrees of exploitativeness, shoveled out as quickly as possible by a morally bankrupt label and estate to bank off grieving fans. I may have never been crazy about the man nor his music, but you know what? You guys deserve better.

#2

The Jonas Brothers revival was a mistake.

2. "Only Human" by the Jonas Brothers

[Peak: 19]

This is one of the most tired songs to become a hit this decade, and its failures are really on all fronts. While neither Nick nor Joe Jonas are bad vocalists, the melodies emphasize their much less flattering upper ranges, especially during the weak pre-chorus and hook. Said problem is augmented not just by how repetitive these elements are, but also how they run for about 80% of the song - and this is certainly not helped by the lackluster vocal performances. Both brothers stick in their upper ranges, which, when combined with the truly dreadful lead melody, leaves us with one of 2019's blandest compositions.

And that's not even touching on the instrumentation, a cod-reggae snooze with all of the guitar parts compressed to shit, percussion that doesn't even try to have a presence in the mix, and horns that resemble a cacophony of wet farts. The song tries to have a playful feel, but everything here is so stiff and blocky that none of the intent comes through.

All of this would've led to a stinker regardless, but it's the lyrics that really ice this vomit cake. Nick's bored performance might obscure this upon first listen, but once you hear him saying...

...you kinda can't view this as anything other than massively creepy. And that ties into the worst part of the song – how soulless it feels. There is no passion involved in this, this is non-effort to a frankly unthinkable degree. "Only Human" puts the soulless in 'soulless cash grab' – "Sucker" may still have the fingerprints of focus groups on it, but at least that song had a hook. "Cool" may have been a top-down disaster, but at least that song had at least a shred of energy.

This is bottom-tier album filler, shooting for the low bar of basic hookup jams and landing as a pushy, almost manipulative turd of an audio file. Say what you will about Maroon 5, they can at least own their brand of mildly-insufferable adult contemporary. The Jonas Brothers are too lazy to care.

And before we get to #1...

Dishonorable Mentions

DM. "ME!" by Taylor Swift feat. Brendon Urie

[Peak: 2]

This tries to be an all-you-can-eat dessert buffet, but instead it's just a half-empty gallon of expired milk. Consider this an honorary #11.

DM. "Someone You Loved" by Lewis Capaldi

[Peak: 1]

Just because "Be Alright" is worse doesn't mean this isn't also very, very bad. Consider this an honorary #12.

DM. "Cool" by the Jonas Brothers

[Peak: 27]

"Oh I feel like Post Malone, when I get home

Sittin' there, winning like it's Game of Thrones"

So you're feeling like an exceedingly disappointed, Bud Light-chugging zombie?

If that's what you're into, I guess.

DM. "High Hopes" by Danic! at the Pisco

[Peak: 4]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

DM. "Heat" by Chris Brown feat. Gunna

[Peak: 36]

Why does Chris Brown always go out of his way to use the grossest possible terms to describe sex?

DM. "One Thing Right" by Marshmello & Kane Brown

[Peak: 36]

pfffffffffffffffffft

DM. "You Say" by Lauren Daigle

[Peak: 29]

I didn't listen to the radio...pretty much at all this year, but if I had, this absolutely would've been on the list proper because ughhhhhhhhh

DM. "hot girl bummer" by blackbear

[Peak: 41]

I'm not sure if this is gonna be eligible for 2020's lists, so let me just say it now: I've heard plenty of punchable assholes in the world of music, but I don't think I've ever heard someone who embodies that curious kind of anti-charisma as much as blackbear. This is the kind of dude who I'd just immediately left hook on sight, with no regrets.

And on that note...

#1

I debated with myself over whether this or "Only Human" should be my #1. After all, "Only Human" is a intellectually bankrupt shitstain of a song that fails on every ground imaginable – it wouldn't be a hard choice to have that at the top.

But the worst hit of a year doesn't need to be the most worthless, most problematic to society in the long run, or whatever – sometimes, the #1 worst hit of the year is just one that really sucks.

And none of them sucked harder than this.

1. "Taki Taki" by DJ Snake feat. Selena Gomez, Ozuna & Cardi B

[Peak: 11]

There really are so many layers as to why this song fails, so let's start with a small yet obvious point: "Taki Taki" is a stupid title. It's a meaningless phrase, but it's not like this couldn't work, provided all the performers just have fun here.

They don't.

Let's start with Ozuna, since he has most of the song. While his hook has a strong melodic foundation, his nasal delivery grates within seconds, and despite how he tries to pull a more playful tone with the melody, the overproduction stifles all of that personality – let's put a pin in that for later. As for his verse, Ozuna struggles to come up with lines that rhyme with the titular phrase, leading to some very awkward word choice on his end:

"The club's full and the Annunaki are here"

I'd applaud the reference to Sumerian deities if the line wasn't so blatantly shoehorned in.

"Booty explodes like Nagasaki"

I– what?! I can't even get mad at that line, he so clearly has no material for this.

Cardi B is here, and to her credit, she doesn't try to force in a title drop - instead she just phones in 12 bars, sings the pre-chorus in an excruciating upper register, and dips – she's probably the best performer on the song, so make of that what you will.

But the worst vocalist here is easily Selena Gomez. While she's never had any semblance of artistic identity, her trying to play for brazen sensuality only highlights her weaknesses as a performer – her whisper-singing comes off as incredibly awkward and not sexy in the slightest, and it also doesn't help that she has easily the worst lyrics of the song:

"Porque I am the party, yo soy fiesta

Blow out your candles, then have a siesta"

Congratulations, you've successfully found the worst way to describe oral sex.

"What my taki taki wants, what my taki taki gets"

...

what.

But if I were to assign the blame for this song on one act, it would be DJ Snake. Dear god, what happened to him? Between "Turn Down for What", "You Know You Like It", and especially "Lean On", he was the shining star of the mid-10's EDM boom. However, the past 3 or 4 years have seen a massive drop-off in quality for Snake, with this being his nadir as a producer. Everything about the mixing here is horrific – the ear-piercingly loud synths - which even when they're supposed to take a backseat during the verses are mixed louder than everything else - the blocky percussion that is also way too loud and has no punch, and both Ozuna and Cardi getting shoveled to the back of the mix, not helped by how both their parts sound recorded with built-in computer mics.

This is a disaster, an avalanche of shitty performances and shitty ideas where nothing coalesces, slapped together to make one of the most unlistenable songs of the decade, and the worst hit song of 2019.