Practice as Research (PaR) Log

TheWith;OUT Dance Project
Practice as Research (PaR) E-log

Fall 2022

Up and OUT?

Repetition - Softness - Gender

Am I there for you? Are you there for me?

This is a work-in-progress that originated from the question: How can every one of us play a role in ensuring that all young people, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity, are provided safe, accepting, and supportive environments at home, at school, and in their communities?

Like The Trevor Project, we aspire to raise awareness of the issues the LGBTQ+ community still faces including mental illness, addiction, violence, and discrimination.

In this process, we hope to use dance as a bridge between the performing arts and social activism.

Filmed by: Ron Humphrey

After the performance, Mario and I decided that it would be in our best interest to focus on our personal life goals as well as tend to our individual hardships. After the "Undone Concert," I spent a lot of time wondering what our duet would've been interpreted as with our audience had we chosen to use a soundtrack or piece of music. I was curious and determined to explore and understand this complex intersection of art mediums because, reflecting on the feedback session with Jess Humphrey, Mario and I were going to do the duet to music but instead performed the piece in silence. How can the sound of silence support creating soft movement?

The Undone Concert 2022

We are all Undone. What happens when we’re willing to be seen that way?

The Undone Show is a collection of performances that are ready to be seen while they’re still becoming. Undone exists so that performers can see how being seen shapes their work. Undone loves both monochromatic and “everythingness” outfits. Undone’s pieces are created through collaboration, collision, and collusion with other art forms. Undone is an ingredient in vulnerability, one of the ultimate performance enhancers. Undone reminds students, alumni, and teachers that they’re all still learning—together. Undone will be just right for your beholding tonight.

The Undone Show

Features all kinds of performers and focuses on the role of their moving bodies in their work.
Is a bridge or meeting place between students, faculty, alumni, and local professionals.
Serves as a forum for several 1-10 minute experimental works-in-progress, risk-taking, and new iterations of the tried-and-true.
Uses simple costume scores to thread the performances together: monochromatic and/or “everythingness”, which brings multiple costume ideas into each ensemble.
Is curated by coincidence, happenstance, and chance as noticed by Jess Humphrey, who provides direction, feedback, or witnessing for each performer/work-in-progress throughout the process.

Reflection

How does a performance like "Undone" aid in this research process?

Reflecting on Mario's and I's minute-to-express-it duet, I think about the dramatic changes we made during tech week and our rehearsal before the concert. The Undone Concert challenged us to change our score to without sound, heaviness, and "enough" time to express the emotions and themes that we desired to convey in our work. It encouraged me to explore where that desire came from and question why its importance was so loud in our ears that it wasn't so loud that we couldn't use our voices to say what we wanted to say, it's the conscious decision that we made to use this modality as a conduit to convey information about our thoughts, feelings, and hope that we can make a dramatic change in our community and the rest of the world.

After Mario and I decided to take a brief hiatus from our research in the studio, I embarked on an intensive journey of exploration in intertextual and theoretical research. This quest took me deep into the realms of academia, and I found myself pondering the intricate intersection of dance studies and LGBTQ+ studies. As I delved into this multifaceted subject, I was confronted with a series of intriguing questions as well as an extensive book list.

How could we, as a community, bridge the gap between these two disciplines? What does dance have to offer the field of LGBTQ+ studies, and conversely, how can a nuanced understanding of LGBTQ+ studies enhance our appreciation and practice of dance?

In this exploration, I realized that there is untapped potential for a powerful synergy between the world of dance and the rich insights offered by LGBTQ+ studies. Dance, as a medium of expression, can amplify the voices and experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals, bringing to light issues of gender identity, sexual orientation, and societal inclusion. Similarly, LGBTQ+ studies can provide a theoretical and sociocultural framework through which dance can be examined, understood, and celebrated. The idea of forging a community where these two domains is both exciting and promising. It beckons me to embark on a collective journey, not only as a researcher but also as an artist and advocate. By engaging in this intersectionality, we can foster a richer, more profound appreciation of dance and contribute to a broader dialogue on LGBTQ+ issues and the broader spectrum of gender and sexual identities. In essence, this exploration raises the call for a multidisciplinary approach where dance and LGBTQ+ studies can enrich each other, offering new perspectives, creating meaningful dialogues, and advancing our collective understanding. It's an invitation to unite as a community of scholars, artists, musicians, and enthusiasts, to unravel the untold stories and possibilities that dance can bring to the forefront within the realm of LGBTQ+ studies.

TheWith;OUT Dance Project

Spring 2023

No Mans Land?

In the spring of 2023, the ENS building on the SDSU campus underwent closure. This development posed a challenge for the WDP (presumably, "We" or "Our") research project, requiring a change in our research location. As a result, we decided to conduct our research from the comfort of our homes. This transition prompted us to affectionately name our new workspace No Man's Land since we found ourselves at a crossroads, unsure of where to begin and what direction to take in terms of theory and practice.

From the outset of this project in 2022, I've taken pride in my ability to adapt to change. When I initially approached Frank to collaborate on this project, I found him to be open to the idea, but also somewhat cautious about working with me. We scheduled a day where we would do an experiential exercise and have a dialog about what it meant to be queer in our community, how we were challenged daily by societal norms, and how dangerous normalizing heteronormative behavior towards trans people could have catastrophic effects on the LGBTQ+ community as a whole.

When it came down to our discussion, I think I was tinkering with the idea of invoking movement from a somatic standpoint and building movements from that origin starting point.

Outside of this one-on-one with Frank, I circle back to a conversation I had with a mentor of mine who goes by Eric. From our conversation, he planted a thought pocket that there is something about FIs and ATMs that allow people to interact with themselves in a way that grants them the permission to let go [of something], and permits themselves the opportunity to feel alive. In this intersection of this embodied practice of somatics, it can also allow people to build a sense of community with one another and I would also like to argue that this could happen if you can also provide a controlled environment for this to happen and see what can be produced because of it. How can dancemaking from somatics be a way of producing a transformation in how we view identity, sexuality, and gender?

Frank sent me an email saying,

"Before my somatic session with Robbie last Thursday night I was a bit anxious because I did not know what to expect. However, once we got started, Robbie's confident and positive attitude helped me calm down. Laying down on my back and listening to the guidance from Robbie was very meditative. I have practiced yoga in the past, but it has been more than a year since I practiced it. I felt very calm and in the moment while being guided by Robbie. I specifically remember being very aware of the strains and lack of comfort while holding some positions. This made me more aware of my body and how I was feeling both physically and mentally. I felt very refreshed at the end of the first part of the session.

During the second part of the session Robbie and I walked around my neighborhood. Robbie kept asking me to be aware of what was going on with my whole body. As we walked I was feeling relatively relaxed. We discussed how different people in the neighborhood may or may not feel safe walking around based on their life experiences or physical appearance. For example, Robbie mentioned that sometimes he doesn't feel safe as a queer man walking around his neighborhood in Chula Vista.

I feel safe physically in my neighborhood, but not always safe emotionally. Most of that lack of safety occurs when I walk alone in my neighborhood on a cold evening. I usually wear a hoodie with the hood up in the winter to stay warm. When wearing that outfit I often get the feeling that other people out for a walk are scared of me. In my mind I often wonder if they are afraid because I am a dark-skinned Latino male and most of my neighbors are white. I guess I can never really know what is going on in their mind, but in my mind I feel safe but maybe not always welcome walking alone in my own neighborhood. The walk made me reflect on the fact that humans are complicated and that we all have different life experiences and privileges that influence our daily lives.

Overall I enjoyed the session and felt invigorated and inspired in my life to try to work to mediate and relax more often. For me that means hiding my phone away and avoiding electronics, music, and podcasts. I also realized that I want to connect with people that I feel comfortable around. For example, I have a large group of friends but I really only feel comfortable and connected with maybe 20 of them. The nice walk with Robbie opened my eyes to focusing on those friendships to have more positive experiences feeling connected with those who are closest to us".

(Frank to me in an Email)

Reflection

As I reread my reflections on the experiment with Frank, I was struck by the profound sense of happiness that emerged from that experience. I am also immensely grateful for the way Frank managed to transform his initial anxiety into a meditative state, which had a remarkable impact on my confidence and overall attitude.

In my interactions with 'non-dancers' within the context of our dance praxis, my foremost goal has always been to ensure their safety and comfort. During the experiment with Frank, I aimed to have him reflect on his position within our shared LGBTQ+ community in San Diego and how it felt to be a part of it. This reflection led me to recognize the importance of safety within our practice and how it relates to the environment I want to create when we eventually find a space for rehearsing and producing our work.

To me, providing a safe space is not just about physical safety but also about nurturing emotional and psychological safety. It's a fundamental step toward encouraging movement and fostering a sense of self-reimagination. I believe that when individuals feel secure and supported, they are more likely to step out of their comfort zones and explore new dimensions of themselves.

In summary, I'm deeply moved by the positive impact that cultivating a safe and comfortable environment has on my dancemaking practice. It not only enhances my artistic endeavors but also contributes to my personal growth and self-discovery. This reflection reaffirms my commitment to creating a positive and inclusive environment for when the collective comes together to produce work.

Practice

"What's it like to be in our body?"

A dance in collaboration with Emily Jane Sutherland

One day Emily convinced me to be spontaneous and generate movement for myself. We brainstormed on different ways we could go about doing so and reintroduced the letter score, grabbing words, and embodying them where it could be a phrase. In a conversation about dance and somatics intertwining with one another, we juggled another idea that we could eventually teach our participants these separate phrases when were able to finalize a group of individuals who wanted to be in this project. Again, since the studios were closed and there was no place to hold a weekly rehearsal, we continued to develop it in Emily's living room until the phrases outgrew the space.

We found ourselves in Smith Hall at SDSU where there was space to explore and develop the phrase even further. The question here evolved as well where instead of us curious about what it was like to be inside of our body: flesh, bone, and muscle what is it like to dance in our body?

Reflection: After being in a very serious depression and retraumatization of the ENS building closure, I finally felt a sense of progress toward dancemaking myself. I decided after recording the phrase of Emily and I that I would share the video with Leslie Seiters.

"There just is something about community being already in the work when you come at it somatically" (Leslie Seiters to Me Spring 2023)

Leslie owns the Gabble

For what it's worth, I believe reflecting on this conversation I had with Leslie, she had all of the best intentions... but I remember, in the moment, I was a bit bitter with the criticism she gave me after showing her the video. Reflecting on this experience with Leslie, this was probably one of the pivotal moments in this research project because Leslie was challenging me to reshape my understanding of 'living in a question.'

This concept was entirely new to me which in turn sparked my curiosity and ignited a desire to delve into the roots of this idea and tinker with it. Leslie, in her gentle and supportive manner, encouraged me to embrace the concept fully on the stage in Smith Hall. She suggested that I contemplate the question while allowing it to permeate every fiber of my being. As I reflect on this moment and memory I have with Leslie, I neglected to point out that the feelings I had of bitterness were not toward Leslie, but toward the closure of the ENS building and how affected me in a way where I allowed it to restrain me from actually making significant progress.

Leslie was challenging me to explore this introspection in which I would give myself the permission to allow the question to reverberate through my thoughts and my body simultaneously, from the depths of my soul to the tips of my fingertips. This outward expression initiated another thought-provoking conversation that was not limited to mere words but encompassed my entire being while exploring the embodiment of the question. A question that came up for me was asking myself if somatic dancemaking practices were just a tool for generating experimental movement or if it could be a skill that could help develop a dancemaker.

As we both engaged with this enigmatic concept, Leslie's pivotal questions continued to resonate deeply within me,

'Robbie, what does it feel like to dance within the confines of your own body?'

'What does it mean for you to not just ask questions but to truly live within them?'

In this dialog with Leslie, I believe we created a solid foundation for conceptualizing how we can collaborate further in this research project.

The question re-imagined as "How do you embody the question of what it is like to dance in our body" invites a sense of individual artistic vision and could also encourage surveying experiments more queerly that could potentially support and guide research intersections like those of somatics and dancemaking methodologies.

Another profound moment from this experiment was the yield and push of passing the phone back and forth while it was still videoing the experiment. I recall a sense of delicacy or softness in the phone exchange between Leslie and me where I would argue that there was an invisible agent of freedom; the choice to hand me the phone in an almost air-light way versus the alternative that the phone could've been tossed or thrown forcefully. I noted that this made me think about my conversation with Frank and how we conversed about how we are all agents of our freedom (to some capacity) but succumb to the nature of our species here on earth. If we are our own agents of responsibility, then maybe we can curate the empowerment of something greater.

A rich dia-log with desire

Brianna Lopez enters the chat!

Observation into movement.

Practice

We gathered people who wanted to work with me woooo!

For confidentiality purposes, the video is muted.

Dancemaking with Yan Samoza

What can you see, what can you hear, what can you smell, taste, what can you touch?

Product

Site Specific - Site Reactive

Practice

For confidentiality purposes, the video is muted.

Talk about inspiration from the movement.

Reflect on what you see in the video.

Dancemaking with Emily Deskin

For confidentiality purposes, the video is muted.

Emily Deskin's dancemaking skill set has always amazed me because anytime there is a score or a task they always try to find the 'backdoor' or the 'side gate' into investigating it and have personally never seen them just be so curious about letting themselves truly immerse themselves into the score.

Dancemaking with Tea