Can You Choose Gender In Adoption?

Some states have laws against discriminating against adoptive parents based on their gender. Yet, in the United States, the majority of children adopted through foster care are placed in families headed by women. The reasons for this are many, but one factor is the high cost of adopting a child, which may prevent men from taking on the role of parents.

Adoption is a complex issue, and as a result, it's difficult to draw conclusions about how to fix a broken system. This article isn't a complete look at the problems with the adoption system, but rather a collection of perspectives and statistics from experts who work in the field. In particular, it focuses on the role that gender plays in the adoption process, and how that affects both the adopters and the children.

"The reality is, most families adopting children are mothers," says Michael LaBarbara, an attorney at the National Center for Lesbian Rights and an expert in the field of adoption law. "There's a lot of prejudice that women can't be good parents, and that they should really be doing something else. So I think that the majority of families adopting children are mothers because there's a lot of stigma around being a man and having children."

Adopting a child from foster care requires a lot of resources. According to LaBarbara, the average adoption costs $40,000 to $50,000. "When a couple has a higher income, they tend to be able to adopt more children, but when you're dealing with foster care, it's just a question of whether or not a family can afford to adopt."

The adoption of children from foster care is different from the adoption of children that are not in foster care. In the latter case, prospective parents are often referred to an adoption agency, where they'll make a commitment to take a child home. If the agency finds that they are a fit, the child is placed in their home. If they are not a fit, the child is returned to the foster care system. Adoption agencies receive funds to support these children, but the system is meant to keep kids out of the foster care system in the first place.

Adoption agencies tend to prioritize the needs of the children they are working with. "We have to make sure that we're making sure that we're getting a child into the home that is going to thrive," says LaBarbara. "It's not about the parents' gender, it's about the child."

While the system may help children get a permanent home, it doesn't help adoptive families find the right match. "Adoption is about the parents, not the children," says LaBarbara. "That's why so many children are adopted by single women, because they don't have anyone else to rely on in their lives. If you have someone to rely on, it's going to be easier to raise your child."

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, the gender makeup of the adoptive families that adopt children in foster care is not necessarily a reflection of the gender makeup of the country. "If we were to look at the national population, we'd see that about half of the people that are adopting children are women, but it's more than that because many families who are adopting are single, and single women are more likely to adopt," says Dr. Mark Peabody, a pediatrician and the vice president of the American Academy of Pediatrics. "There's also the fact that men are less likely to adopt."

Peabody explains that the most important part of the adoption process is the relationship that develops between the parents and the child. "That's what's going to make or break the adoption, and it's what's going to make or break the child. If the child feels loved and cared for, then he or she is going to be very successful in life," says Peabody.

LaBarbara agrees. "There's this idea that if a woman adopts, it's going to be harder to raise a child. But the reality is, if you're in a loving, stable home, you can be a good parent, regardless of gender."