Memoir

I am a people pleaser, just like my mom. I always knew that if my parents divorced I’d stay with my mom. Growing up she was the only person I would cry around because I’ve seen her cry. She’s the one who talked to me like I’m a human, not a 4 year old that doesn’t know what sex is. I matured very fast because of it and she taught me how to read people's body language. I learned to keep my mouth shut about the things she’d rant about, unlike my brother who said everything he heard. I was very headstrong and hated changing my mind, but as my mom grew so did I. 

I’m now very open minded and love trying new food just like her. I love cheering my friends on and supporting them with the activities they do, just like my mom does for me. Lately I’ve been realizing that the way my mom raised me is how I treat my friends. Read them and find out what makes them comfortable, talk to them accordingly, be happy when they rant and respond with questions so they know I’m listening, and understand them. She had barely any friends growing up when I had a lot but now we both have bad luck with finding friends. I’m not afraid to yell back at my mom probably because we’re so alike. I would never dare to raise my voice towards my dad. 

When covid first hit, my mom and I would constantly fight. How to do this problem, why was this wrong, what happened here? We would always go back and forth seeing who could yell the loudest. Then she would try to calm me down after she lost, which pissed me off even more. I remember punching my mental desk, she was scared I was about to punch her. Having to redo every single math assignment all over again because the sub would only allow us to get 100%. I would constantly yell, “I don’t care about this bullshit” and that “everything we’re doing is pointless, I'm done doing this shit”. My mom forced me into calling the sub to work on the problems, which made me very uncomfortable. I told my parents that I was uncomfortable with calling a teacher. At first they understood then they didn’t care anymore and made me. The only good thing out of it was that I got my first webcam and started streaming, but the webcam sucked. So I had to call the sub on my phone. 

For the longest time, my parents never let me start a youtube channel until we were locked in. I started streaming on twitch then that next Christmas, we took all the money I got and went to best buy. My mom helped me find the best equipment to use for streaming by googling the reviews of almost everything. For once it felt like they supported me with what I wanted. My mom would always tell me and my brothers, “you’re in a big school trying out for sports will be the hardest thing you’d try” and as a 12 year old I read it as, “you’re in a big school, you’d never make the team”. 

I was a cheerleader at the time she would say that. The proof that I would never make a single sports team was from my childhood friend, the greatest soccer player I knew. He ate, breathed, and slept for soccer, but he didn’t make the team. I stayed in cheer for one more year after that, when I wanted to play modified football which had no cuts. But my parents said no, even for ice hockey when they knew that my whole life all I wanted to do is cheer and play ice hockey. But football and ice hockey were out of the question because they were “guy sports”.

Sometimes I look back at my childhood and realize that everything I did made sense of why I’m transgender today. All the geeks in my neighborhood would come over and play d&d or world of warcraft with my brothers. All I wanted to do was play with them but I was the annoying baby sister they all wanted nothing to do with. So I would be in the living room with my mom watching tv and playing with my legos, while they were in the mancave with my dad. 

My mom and I both share a love for disney. We would always watch the newest episode of Once Upon A Time together every Sunday night. It started as just a way for 7 year old me to stay up past my bedtime but I got addicted to the show. Anytime a new disney movie would come out we would go see it together. Now I’m addicted to 2 book series about disney and I’m trying to get here to read them. She has some books she bought and haven’t picked them up since she brought them home.

She tries to be a better influence on me but I really don’t care if she drinks. I mean why should I, it's her decision not mine. And she lets me drink with her as we watch Disney movies, double win. I think when I started reading more American books, she thought she should be doing better as a mother, which isn’t true. When I started buying more books and actually read them all the way through, she bought 2 books. Hell, even my dad started buying more books. 

It took the youngest child for them to want to read again. And took them a few kids to get the best one.