Prophets

In Pastafarianisms long history, we've had quite a few prophets. Here they are. (In no particular order)

Bobby Henderson

Bobby Henderson (PBUH) is the current Pastafarian Prophet. In 2005 he sent a letter to the Kansas state school board in regards to the idea of creationism. He was mad that they would only teach a certain type of creationism. So he wrote this:

 Open Letter To Kansas School Board

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence.

What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (Pastafarianism), and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.

Bobby Henderson (PBUH) Also has a Twitter 

Captain Mosey (PBUH)

The first person to learn of His Noodliness was the heroic pirate, Captain Mosey (PBUH) of the good ship Lasagne.

Born in Phoenicia, Mosey was the son of a sea cook, who was killed one day at sea by the vicious pirate king, Blackhook. When Mosey learned of the death of his father, he built himself a raft and attempted to go after Blackhook himself; however, he came ashore on an island often frequented by the pirate king's crew and was caught off guard.

After taking Mosey hostage, Blackhook fed him a dinner of undercooked noodles with mead, sending Mosey into a delirious stupor. At first seeing visions of elephants, strippers, and midgets, Mosey finally saw an image he would never forget: a giant monster, made of spaghetti, floating above a starry sea. The monster approached Mosey and said to him, "Do not be afraid. I am your God."

The monster soon revealed to Mosey that he had hidden himself from the world on purpose, "so that they may not become incredulous at my appearing." He then told Mosey he was to be "my prophet, my messenger to the people, who will give them news of my Coming, and rejoice with them." When Mosey exclaimed that he had neither the courage nor the personal bearing to be the messenger of an unknown god, the monster replied, "My son, do not be afraid; I, the One, True, and Most High God, will guide you."

Barry Foster (PBUH)

A notable, yet mostly overlooked figure in the history of the faith is the prophet Barry Foster, who took his apostolic name, Ishmali, from the great and devout disciple Ishmali Camuwundra, who clearly had no need of it.

Born in the small town of Gympie, Queensland in 1896 (Pastafarian Year 1971) to an agnostic family and later receiving the faith through the witnessing of a particularly vivid apparition shortly after accidentally falling into a barrel of mead, the prophet Barry devoted the later half of his life to the task of divining The Flying One's intent through dreams and visions (transferred to him via the pet parrot he kept in his trouser pocket) which he then translated to the page as a compendium of prophecies.

The resulting publication "Testament of a Noodle-Envious Disciple", while initially receiving little recognition, became a pseudo-bible of the faith shortly after Barry's unfortunate and slightly odd death by an electric model tram in 1936 (Pastafarian Year 2011) (odd, in that the electric model tram was unplugged at the time). Sadly, the popularity of his writings began to wane to the point of obscurity by the 1950s due to the fact that none of the predictions seemed intent on coming true. Take for example, one of his most notable prophecies regarding the fantastic Great Contraption:

>THE GREAT CONTRAPTION (10:3–5) Yea, so it shall come to pass that He will descend to the very earth, and He shall touch the tainted sands with His divine noodly appendage and He shall write in the sand and the writing that He shall scribe upon the sand will be writing that does tell of the means to construct the Great Contraption about which He shall write upon the sand. And the Great Contraption shall be built by His humble children who dwell upon the earth upon whichlays the tainted sand onto which the writing about the Great Contraption shall be written by Him ... (10:15–21) And so shall the Great Contraption serve the humble children and transport them to all corners of the world in half the time of the fastest contemporary propeller-driven aircraft, thus shall the need no longer be great for the consumption of the foul in-flight meal, nor the mingling with the wicked air hostess in her offensive garment which does reveal the calfs of her shapely, comely and smooth white legs and nubile curvaceous buttocks which call as like a siren to the very soul of a devout man, and her breasts. Did I mention breasts? Oh yes, breasts. Round, firm, pointy ... (10:28–33) And this Great Contraption will need not fuel, and it shall have not wings. Nor will its use demand payment of fare, and no longer will His children need travel across land or sea, no, but upon the winds of the air as like He does, and shall dwell upon the clouds in great floating cities away from the foulness of the earth's sand upon which will crawl the wicked children, and the wicked hostesses except those which He sees fit to allow to visit the cloudy cities for reasons of firm discipline ... (10:45) Round shapely ... (10:63) And as it is written so shall it come to pass while I do live.

Critics point out that, contrary to his oft-repeated quote "so shall it come to pass while I do live", this prediction, as well as every other prediction, remained unfulfilled at the time of his death in 1936. This criticism is easily refuted however by the logical conclusion that his statement "while I do live" was never intended to define the time of prophecy fulfillment, but in fact was a condition of fulfillment; If he lives, then all shall come to pass. If he doesn't live, then it won't. Clearly, as none of his predictions has yet come to pass, and as he no longer lives, history proves the astounding accuracy of his prophetic ability.

Perhaps the prophet Barry's greatest contribution is his explanation as to why Our Creator designed the world in such a way that those who seek to delve into the science of nature would be confused and led astray by the overwhelming "evidence" supporting the theory of Evolution. Many have wondered at the wisdom of such design, and why He felt the need to deceive His curious children, when He could have instead left them to search vainly, or perhaps provided evidence that would prove without a doubt the He indeed did create all species, therefore sating the curiosity of those who seek the truth and letting them live in peace with the sure comfort of faith, and avoiding such division, prejudice and hatred among His children that has instead resulted from the discovery of Evolutionary evidence. Prophet Barry's conclusion is succinct:

Well, obviously He's a bit of a dick.

R'Amen.

Blackbeard (PBUH)

A sea worthy, villainous, and holy pirate if there ever was one, Blackbeard (PBUH) was a devout follower of Pastafarianism and steadfast worshiper of Pasta. According to Charles Johnson, Blackbeard fought a running duel with the British thirty-gun man-of-war HMS Scarborough, an Imperialist flagship of Lutheran infidels of her Majesty's unholy Empire. This was followed with two other encounters, where Blackbeard waged holy war against John Martel's band and Blackbeard's close encounter with another warship, HMS Seaford.

One notable case of his pure, heroic, golden bravery was an account in 1732 just off the coast Bermuda. Blackbeard encountered a Merchant vessel carrying 300 atheist souls, mostly populated with women and children, at full sail and traveling quickly. Blackbeard, notorious for his vicious patience, acted fast and chased down the unholy ship and bombarded it mercilessly with his brass cannon balls. He and his brave followers then boarded the ship, slaughtering heathens to and fro, making sure to personally stick the Infidel's pagan baby spawn upon his cutlass. Thanks to his actions, the New World was spared yet another hated boat load of sacrilegious fools.

However, colourful legends and vivid contemporary newspaper portrayals had him committing acts of religious cruelty and terror. One tale claims he shot his own first mate, saying "if he didn't shoot one or two crewmen now and then, they'd forget of his holy noodliness that had birthed them all from his appendage."

Nin Jhah

A righteous man of prodigious strength, Nin Jhah was born the son of a poor cobbler. When not apprenticing under his father, young Nin was usually watching the prophet Ragu (PBUH) lecture to the people.

Growing to succeed his father in the trade, Nin the cobbler was well-known for his good advice when potential clients came to visit. With such aphorisms as "the wind that shakes the barley does not disturb the hops", Nin quickly became a popular denizen of Hanuwumdra. He was also renowned for his incredibly fighting skill; to the amazement of the townspeople, he once fought off an entire band of outlaws using nothing but a colander.

In AD 26, after the removal of Subh-i-Wayh from power following his execution of renowned sage Ishmali Camuwundra, Nin Jhah was chosen by acclamation to take up the seat of religious power in the city.

During his first few months in office, all was fine; the people were at peace, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was in his Heaven, and all was right with the world. All that changed, however, after Nin Jhah's sudden illness.

After returning from a trek into the mountains, Nin Jhah became afflicted with a vile disease, which drove him into delirious fervors and caused a horrible rash to break out all over his body. Bedridden for four months, he often hovered between life and death.

When he finally recovered, the people breathed a sigh of relief. That would change, unfor

Ishmali Camuwundra (PBUH)

The Most Reverend disciple Ishmali Camuwundra (PBUH) was born in the city of Hanuwumdra in 7 BC (Pastafarian Year 68), the son of an Indian convert to the new religion of Pastafarianism. At the time, the city of Hanuwumdra was being built, and his father was one of the workers at the city. Whilst living there, he became indoctrinated, and quickly spread his newfound belief in the FSM to his son. In his youth, Ishmali would stay up many nights, writing on parchments of new ways to glorify the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

When Ishmali was eight, his father was killed when the gold dome of the Temple of the FSM collapsed in as workers were constructing the altar. Subsequently, since he no longer had any family to speak of, Ishmali was taken in by the aging religious leader Ragu, who taught him the sacred ideals of the FSM. And Ishmali grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with the Flying Spaghetti Monster and men.

Just as the city of Hanuwumdra was finally completed, and just as Ishmali turned 33, his mentor Ragu died after a long illness. On his deathbed, Ragu predicted the coming of a Chosen Linguini, whom the people would know when he came, but the old prophet died before he could say the name of the coming one. Consequently, there was much discussion as to whom this Chosen Linguini could be. After much debate, and suggestions that it could be the late prophet Mosey or the Pastafa

Ragu (PBUH)

The great prophet Ragu (PBUH), the One True Heir to the prophet Mosey (PBUH), was born in the port city of Cyrene to a local farmer, who raised him to follow in his footsteps. Ragu, however, could not function in normal society, being plagued with epileptic fits that constantly ostracized him from the community.

At the age of ten, Ragu was part of a miracle performed by the pirate Mosey, who had just arrived in Cyrene and was preaching the good news of the FSM. As a sign, Mosey touched the boy's head with some wet noodles which had been dipped in sauce blessed through the FSM; Ragu's epilepsy never returned. He soon became a devout follower of the pirate, inspiring the people to rise up against the pirate king Blackhook when next he came to Cyrene.

At nearly all his religion's greatest moments, Ragu was there. When Mosey went up to the top of Mt. Salsa to receive to word from the FSM, Ragu was there, keeping the people calm with words of wisdom. When it came time for Mosey to buy a missionary vessel, Ragu selected the one they would use, even christening it Lasagne.

After twelve years at sea, Ragu was one of those who survived the attack on the Pastafarian vessel, soon becoming the spiritual leader of this group of people as well. After composing a number of prayers to the FSM, Ragu led his people off the shores of the Mediterranean and into what is now Saudi Arabia, wandering through the desert and most of Ira