Papagaios, Life & Times on a Speculative Archipelago

A collection of emails* between Inácio de Souza, estates manager of the Convent of Nossa Senhora dos Milagres and Ricardo Vogt, Professor of Herpetology at Pacificadora University. Emails sent May-June 2019.

*Translated from Portuguese.

Date: 14/5/19

From: estate@nossasenhora.pt

To: r.vogt@upac.pt

Subject: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Dear Professor Vogt,

My name is Inácio de Souza and I am estate manager of the historic convent, ornamental gardens and vineyard of Nossa Sehora dos Milagres, outside Porto Oeste. I am writing to you today because you because I have a big lizard problem. That is to say I have a problem with a big lizard, not a lizard problem that is big. Though that is also true.

For the past two weeks, staff and visitors to the site have reported damage to the plants and decorations in the ornamental gardens. Few have witnessed the damage in person, but I have observed several footprints in the vicinity of the destruction and one visitor reported seeing a big lizard fleeing the scene.

As our islands foremost expert in the reptilian inhabitants of the islands, please advise on how to proceed. I eagerly await your response.

Yours sincerely,

Inácio de Souza,

Estates Manager

________________________________________________________________

Date: 23/5/19

From: r.vogt@upac.pt

To: estate@nossasenhora.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Dear Inácio,

Thanks for your email, sorry it has taken so long to reply.

As I’m sure you’re aware, there are a lot of ‘big lizards’ on our islands. Nowadays, the largest you see outside of extremely remote locations are the group called ‘platydonts’. The largest are about the size of a Labrador, though far more heavily-built, with proportionately large heads, short, thick tails and muscular, pillar-like legs.

Does this sound like your culprit?

Best wishes,

Ricardo

________________________________________________________________

Date: 23/5/19

From: estate@nossasenhora.pt

To: r.vogt@upac.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Professor Vogt,

That could indeed by the beast in question! How should I proceed?

Yours,

Inácio de Souza,

Estates Manager

________________________________________________________________

Date: 24/5/19

From: r.vogt@upac.pt

To: estate@nossasenhora.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Inácio,

There are several species of platydont living on the island of Milagres and the method of deterring them will vary dependent on the species. Some can be ruled out due to your distance from both the coast and the mountains but we are still left with several candidates.

I advise you try to capture an image of the animal when it next returns, or at least a good visual description.

All the best,

Ricardo

________________________________________________________________

Date: 27/5/19

From: estate@nossasenhora.pt

To: r.vogt@upac.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Dear Professor Vogt,

I realigned several of the security cameras and set up several more camera traps in the grounds and have spent the weekend trawling the footage. Unfortunately, the security cameras do not have the best resolution and the latest incident happened at in the when it was getting dark but before the automatic streetlights had turned on. We therefore only have shadowy blurs to work with but these blurs do confirm the animal is dog-sized, though which breed of dog I can’t say.

As for the camera traps, it turns out they are harder to set up properly than expected and I have four hundred pictures of visitors shoes and none of any lizards.

I did however have luck in observing the menace. It was quite far away, but it was brown with spikes, or maybe horns, on its head. Is this useful?

Yours,

Inácio de Souza,

Estates Manager

________________________________________________________________

Date: 29/5/19

From: r.vogt@upac.pt

To: estate@nossasenhora.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Inácio,

Surprisingly that does help. A bit. The only platydonts with any form or head ornamentation are in the genus Osteops or ‘bony faced’, the name coming from the horns being protrusions of the skull grown over with keratin.

There are three species of Osteops. I shall describe them all and attach a picture in the hope it is useful.

1. Osteops pteridophagus

All platydonts are ancestrally omnivorous, but in the Osteops genus, they have become far more herbivorous, with all the adaptations that entails.

O. pteridophagus is a foliovore – leaf eater. As a result of this difficult to digest diet, it (and all Osteops, in fact) has developed a massive gut with a portion of the intestines folded to give a ‘second stomach’ to allow the vegetation more time to be digested.

From the outside, they are recognised by their brown backs, yellow stomachs and darker stripes. They have only two horns, near the back of their head. Like all Osteops, they have small spines running down their tail only, ending with a much longer spike. Its purpose on such a stocky tail in uncertain as it has little combat use. They are the height of a medium dog.

2. Osteops labrynthodontus

If leaves are a tough meal, O. labrynthodontus has taken things a step further. It is one of the few vertebrates IN THE WORLD that eats wood. This is even more difficult to digest and nutrient poor so they are a long-lived but slow-growing species.

They are about the same size at O. pteridophagus but far more heavily built. In order to ingest their food, they have enormous heads, around a third of their body length, with very thick necks to support them.

Not that you’ll get this close enough to tell this, but all platydonts have the ability to chew their food, at least more than most lizards. As a result, they have large, flat back teeth. In this species they are fused into one tooth on each side with a maze-like ridge pattern that wears down the tough wood that they eat.

Their colouration is a dull brown with a white stripe running across their side from neck to tail. Also, one each limb is a sort of eye spot: a circle of white with a darker circle within. We believe this is a threat display, perhaps mimicking a long extinct and far larger creature. They have four horns, crowning the back of their heads, and a bony crest over the eyes.

3. Osteops choirosaurus

Their name translates to ‘pig lizard’ which sums up their lifestyle well. They have the most horns of the group, with six around the back of their heads and four under the chin. One pair of these are particularly long and the animal uses them to dig up the earth in search of tubers, roots and other underground vegetation.

They are also a dull brown, often covered over in the mud they scramble through. Their faces, however, are distinct in having a bony crest above and below the eye. These crests are white while the area around the eye is black giving the impression of a massive eye on each side of the head. Why two species of Osteops mimic giant eyes in very different ways is the biggest mystery of my career.

A cute aside about O. choirosaurus is that it is almost always accompanied by a small red and gold bird called a gravewatcher. As the lizard digs up the ground looking for plant material, the bird follows behind, eating all the invertebrates that flee the scene. When not feeding they often ride on the lizards’ backs!

Their common name references the fact that they also hang around undertakers and likewise feed on worms etc exposed by newly dug graves.

I hope this has been useful.

I await your reply,

________________________________________________________________

Date: 30/5/19

From: estate@nossasenhora.pt

To: r.vogt@upac.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Professor Vogt,

While grateful for your detailed reply, my glimpse of the animal was so fleeting that even these images and information where not enough to help identify them. I shall endeavour to get a better look.

Yours,

Inácio de Souza,

Estates Manager

________________________________________________________________

Date: 30/5/19

From: r.vogt@upac.pt

To: estate@nossasenhora.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Inácio,

A thought. If you can’t get an image of the animal, a description of its behaviour may help. How has it gained entry to the site and what specific damage has it caused?

________________________________________________________________

Date: 31/5/19

From: estate@nossasenhora.pt

To: r.vogt@upac.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Professor,

Over the course of this destructive spree, I have found the ground dug up in the allotment and flower beds, entire swathes of ornamental fern displays have been devoured and a historic bench, used by the first nuns on the site in the sixteenth century, has gone missing!

There is a small tunnel under the western gate that I thought was a pothole, but also scratch marks on the south wall.

Please advise.

Yours desperately,

Inácio de Souza,

Estates Manager

________________________________________________________________

Date: 3/6/19

From: r.vogt@upac.pt

To: estate@nossasenhora.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Inácio,

…

This is an ‘I can’t believe I’m saying this’ moment but… it sounds like you have all three species of Osteops invading your site.

O. choirosaurus, of course, is a digger, but O. pteridophagus wouldn’t shy away from the hole if big enough. I should have mentioned earlier but ‘pteridophagus’ means ‘fern-eater’. They got the name in the 1840s when they devastated the stately gardens of the Milagresian elite. As for the allotments and flowerbeds, root vegetables and flower bulbs are prime food for pig lizards.

As for the wall scratches, it might surprise you, but O. labrynthodontus is a decent climber. When younger and smaller they climb into trees to eat the budding shoots of branches, and while older animals prefer decaying logs, they never loose the ability and will climb to flee a threat or access better food sources. Was your historic bench wooden?

Well, there we have it, we’ve got to the bottom of the mystery!

________________________________________________________________

Date: 3/6/19

From: estate@nossasenhora.pt

To: r.vogt@upac.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Professor,

Thank you for the explanation, but how do I get rid of them?!

Yours,

Inácio de Souza,

Estates Manager

________________________________________________________________

Date: 3/6/19

From: r.vogt@upac.pt

To: estate@nossasenhora.pt

Subject: re: BIG LIZARD PROBLEM

Here’s the thing, Inácio… they’re protected species. There’s not really much you can do. I’d suggest increasing your perimeter defences by pouring concrete to a depth that can’t be dug under and perhaps use an anti-climb paint on the walls? No promises though.

All the best,