Hello Again Olympus University,
Due to the upcoming OU/Troy rivalry football game, I’ve decided that it’s time to tell the real story of what started the Trojan War. The Trojan War wasn’t a real war, despite what everyone says. Instead, it was the name given to the first true River Styx Rivalry Showdown. Before the Trojan War we didn’t really care about the University of Troy. Yes, we played them every year and it was always a good game but it wasn’t the intense rivalry we have now. It all started with the Judgement of Paris.
Peleus and Thetis (yes, the same ones who would later become parents to future OU football star Achilles) threw a house party and invited pretty much everyone except for Eris, the goddess of strife and discord, because they were afraid that she was going to cause trouble. Surprise, surprise when she found out she wasn’t invited, the offended goddess decided to cause as much trouble as she could by throwing a golden tiara with the words “to the fairest” etched into it. Now when I say golden tiara, I really mean plastic, golden, costume tiara and by etched, I mean written on a note card and crudely pasted onto. It’s the type of thing that only drunk Greek Goddesses would fight over and Eris was counting on that. And she was right because the tiara caused a huge argument between everyone as they tried to figure out who the prettiest goddess was.
It came down to Aphrodite, Athena, and Hera, who were all drop-dead gorgeous, so they demanded that Zeus choose one of them to receive the tiara. He insisted that he couldn’t be impartial and couldn’t choose between his sisters and girlfriend (who is also his sister but who are we to judge, we aren’t Paris… that will be funny in a second). Zeus told them that he had the perfect guy to make this decision. He knew that this guy could be 100% unbiased because he was a great judge with Ares and the bull*. He told Hermes to take the goddesses to his buddy, Paris, who was a student at the University of Troy.
Paris, and who also happened to be incredibly good-looking, was just chilling in his dorm room when the group of four showed up and told him he must judge the three goddesses to determine who is the most beautiful. So to recap, we have a room full of ridiculously pretty people and Hermes. Anyways, Paris is more than happy to help them out. Each of the goddesses began trying to bribe him with promises of all that they could give him if he picked her. Hera offered him the chance to be the most popular guy at UT (which isn’t saying much because it’s UT), while Athena, the goddess of wisdom and war, offered to make him the best student. Aphrodite, the goddess of love and sex, went last and promised him the most beautiful woman in the world. This was an offer Paris just couldn’t refuse, since he was a college guy and they didn't (and still don't) like to think with the head on their shoulders. He immediately gave the tiara to Aphrodite and insisted on seeing this supposedly perfect woman.
The real fairest of them all was Helen, who just happened to be the girlfriend of OU’s star player, Menelaus. Paris rushed over to OU to meet Helen and here’s where the details get a little fuzzy because no one quite knows how she reacted to Paris. Never mind the reaction, what matters is that she went back to UT with Paris. Obviously, Menelaus wasn’t very happy about that. This of course all happens right before the football game between OU and UT. With everyone taking a side, this game became about so much more than football and created a rivalry to last for generations.
Happy Troy Hate Week everyone! Have fun at the game!
-Nobody
*For funsies, Paris would pit bulls against each other. One of his bulls started to always win these fights so he began challenging people who had prize fighting bulls, but Paris's bull still always won. Finally, he said that if anyone could defeat his champion bull then he would give them a UT baseball cap. The God of War, Ares, has a huge baseball hat collection and is always looking to expand his collection, so he was down for the challenge as soon as he heard about it. He turned into a bull and easily defeated Paris's champion bull. Paris gave the baseball cap to Ares without hesitation which proved to the gods that he was an honest judge. Look at how that decision came back to bite them in the butt.
Author’s Note: This is based on the Greek Myth, the Judgement of Paris. The original story is very similar to this one with just a few details changed. The house party was actually a wedding, the tiara was a golden apple, Hera offered Paris the chance to rule over Europe and Asia, and Athena said she could make him the greatest warrior. Also, Helen was a queen and she was married to Menelaus, the King of Sparta. I omitted Paris being a real creep and making the goddesses get naked to “truly” be able to judge him because that is just weird. The details on whether Helen went with Paris willingly or if he kidnapped her are still unclear but kidnapping is kind of frowned upon now and it wasn’t super important to the story as I mentioned. I wish I had been able to incorporate some more college shenanigans into the story but nothing that some revisions can’t fix! I had so much fun writing this story, especially because OU/Texas was this weekend and we WON!!! I hope this story also clears up some people’s confusion from the intro and shows where this Storybook is going with some of the Greek Myths mentioned in the intro.
Bibliography. The Judgement of Paris from Theoi.com. Links to page
Bibliography. Paris from Greek Mythology Wikia. Links to page
Image Info: Photo of the Cotton Bowl from Wikimedia Commons