Got a picture you want to share with the members? This is the place for it.
Got a good golf joke that's not too racy? Send it to me and I'll post it.
Email your pictures or jokes to Larry at " 2LarryAllen@gmail.com"
We'll post your picture or joke for all to see. Landscape, scenery, animals or members doing things are all fair game.
So send us whatever you have and we'll post it - providing it's tame :-)
Courtesy Larry Boutwell:
A father, son, & grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away & asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it; so please, don't try to coach me on how to play my shots." With that the guys agreed to relax & invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver & hit the ball 290 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away & said, "I really didn't get into it & I faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives & their second shots, the blonde took out a lob wedge & lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned & said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, & it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly & methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, & had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green, for a par. She turned to the three guys & said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists & telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 & I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner, & then show him a very good time the rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt, & finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole & hit it firm. It will get over that little hump & break right into the cup."
The father knelt down & sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right & let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up, & handed it to her & said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."
The blonde smiled & said, "Your car or mine?"
REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE & BRAINS WILL OVERCOME YOUTH & SKILL EVERY TIME
Author asked to remain anonymous (it was me.)
A "men's only" golf course was lobbied by a group of women to open up the club for women. After some heated debate the board of directors finally gave in and allowed women to become members.
Shortly after then women started playing on a regular basis the board began hearing complaints from the women about the men "peeing on the course" and they asked the board to do something about it.
The board met - again - and determined that the women were absolutely right and something needed to be done because it was clearly a violation of the women's rights.
The board was unanimous in their decision and created a new rule that said "women are now allowed to pee on the course."
Golfer's name unknown
A man who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for 10 years sees a speck on the horizon. “It’s too small to be a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft.
Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman emerges from the surf wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says.
She unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, is that ever good!”
Then she asks him, “How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?”
Trembling, he replies, “Ten years!”
She unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens it, takes a long swig, and says, “That’s fantastic!”
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper down the front of her suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Class group of guys
Another fine looking group of guys. How does Ken Paciocco keep showing up in these pics?
Our favorite lady golfer "Louise" showing us Neanderthals how to properly swing the club.
Courtesy Feherty November 9, 2018 (Not responsible for content - blame Jesse)
Notable Quotable by Feherty
Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer, who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind...(probably always on time delay these days).
Feherty Quotes:
"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."
"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."
" I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife."
Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."
Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin." (Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at this one.)
"That's a great shot with that swing."
"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."
"It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."
"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."
"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.”
“That green appears smaller than a Pygmies' nipple".
Forward this to any golfers with a sense of humor, or just forward it anyway!
Courtesy of Jerry Loring October 24, 3018
VERY RESPECTFUL - August 7
Four golfers who like to gamble end up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough.
If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.
Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.
Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.
"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."
"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."
KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN - July 11
A very bad golfer is playing at new course and he is having a very bad day.
He is on the 18th hole, and he see's a lake.
He says to his caddy "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake".
The caddy says, " I don't think you can, you can't keep your head down that long."
Submitted by Jesse Cox - July 9
Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
JOKE OF THE WEEK - Contributed by Jim Light July 4
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Roger Lesch, Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done, before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man... I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible !!!! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Roger died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder...
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty - - accepting her defense that Roger, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
A hole in one, so to speak !!!!
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This one contributed by Larry Allen - June 21
A young guy was returning from a day on the golf course. He put a bunch of golf balls in his pocket to take back to his apartment to clean them up.
As he got in the elevator to go up to his apartment a young blonde gal stepped in. During the ride up he noticed that she kept looking down at his crotch, then looking away. She did this several times until he realized she was looking at the golf balls in his pocket.
"Ohhh" he said pointing to his pocket with an embarrassed grin. "Golf balls."
The blonde nodded her head in understanding, then turned away and looked like she was trying to figure something out. She finally turned said to the guy - does that hurt like tennis elbow.