Afterall: A Recollection

Entry #1:

Deliah, a friend of mine, invited us to this cheer group. She actually made me vice captain. I’ve never been in cheer but it can't be too difficult right? Golden Leo’s has brought a lot of good but there's drama as well. It is a sports team after all. One thing that I’ve noticed is I’ve always been harassed in one way or another. Of course, what did I expect? While the harassment got worse by joining. it's kind of worth it in light of everyone I’ve met. The other day, we were having a party at the penthouse and everyone got drunk but me and this other dude named Yamoshi. The other guests locked us in my room and tried to make us “Do it.” We actually got them to let us out on the condition that we would go on a date. We did and it was nice but when we got back they tried the same stunt again. When Yamoshi refused they made him leave the room and one of the other guys named Hiro, cornered me. He was rather suggestive. I was frozen. Luckily he stopped...he was drunk but still. But there's also people like Raven, Ena, and Aisha, my friends who came with me from my hometown. Their support, their love is what makes the experiences worth it.

Entry #2:

I never ended up going on another date with Yamo. But at another party we hosted, a member of another team called the Royal Raven’s sat next to me as we played spin the bottle. I got his number and we went on a double date with Aisha and her boyfriend Yuu, and Raven and Ena tagged along. After we went to this lovely restaurant, he took me up a trail in the zen garden and we watched the sunset as he sang and played guitar. After that night, he asked me if we could date. I said I’d love to, it's my first official relationship! I hope it goes well. His name is Zenny, he’s so sweet. How did I end up so lucky to have found such a sweet guy?

Entry #3:

It seems when you date, everyone starts coming after you more. I was waiting outside a store for Zenny and this guy from his team named Kichirou cornered me and kissed me right as Zenny was coming out. Then later, Kichirou and a few friends told me he liked me and I was his… no one owns me. I’ve been hanging out with Yuu as well lately as Zenny keeps disappearing for long periods of time. I wonder where he goes. I hope he’s doing alright.

Entry #4:

Yuu lost his memory...something triggered a drama of his. He doesn’t remember much of anyone. Things have been crazy, I’m trying to help him as best I can, he worries me. I also noticed his eyes turned a different color, they were purple and now they’re red, from the trauma perhaps? Anyhow- cheers going alright, we actually performed at the school as part of a class. It honestly went terribly- we weren’t in sync at all. Oh well learned experience as they say! Oh- I became the cheer captain since Delilah stepped down. As vice cap- I was kinda next in line.

Entry #5:

I got into a car accident. I was walking home when a car jumped the curb and slammed straight into me. Hit the ground pretty hard. Definitely one of my top most painful experiences. Luckily my arm took most of the force. No head trauma or anything, though I had to get surgery done on my broken arm. I think it's gonna heal soon. Not to mention the person who hit me was Aisha, I’m obviously not gonna press charges or anything.

Entry #6:

Zenny has been so distant lately. I wonder where he is. He wasn’t here for any bit of my two month surgery. The only one there was Yuu… I hate to say it but I started developing feelings for him. He actually broke up with Aisha as well. Speaking of which there's a kid named Jasper I think she’s falling for. And I think he’s falling for her too. I really hope they end up together. Aisha deserves it.

Entry #7:

I don’t drink or smoke. Because of my dad, who used to hurt me while drunk, hitting me, hurling glass bottles at my head, blowing smoke in my face, burning me with cigarette buds, the whole of it. So when I was at a party and refused to drink any alcohol, my friends who were slightly drunk made me down an entire bottle. And as I was afraid would happen, I did something stupid. I started making out with Yuu… god I’m such an idiot. But when I tried to apologize he said he actually liked it??? I don’t know how to feel- what do I do? And I did something, I kissed him again while sober! While I’m still dating Zenny. This is really bad- Zenny’s never around, so I got with someone else? I’m a terrible person and I don’t know how to stop.

Entry #8:

Zenny finally came back after a few months. Takoma, a kind of friend of mine told him what I’d been doing. He tried- he tried to jump...I got him to stop but I wanted to hurt myself for what I did. I tried to cut myself, maybe end it? But Zenny and Yuu stopped me. I screamed “let me do this, I deserve it.” They refused. And once everything had calmed down I- I left to cool down. This hurts like hell. How do I fix it?

Entry #11:

My dear friend Yuki came for a visit, we grew up together. Actually I haven't really talked about it but Yuki, Aisha, Raven, Ena and I all grew up in the same area. Kyoto.

[!] There was a gap [!]

Aisha...dear god. She got kidnapped. They took her left eye, a middle finger, and left this horrid symbol on her forehead. I took her to the hospital, and it felt like I was there for years. I didn’t sleep for days, worried they’d come back to finish the job. My heart hurts- I cannot keep going, how does everyone stay strong in times like this?

Entry #12:

I hate this god damned city. I hate the people who hurt others for selfish pleasures. I hate how they come after the ones who want no part. Aisha. By god if anyone deserved to be safe and happy it's her. And Yet. AND YET! She gets taken again. This time by a disturbing man, named Alastor. He took her, locked her in a house and bit her, sucked her blood in all like a fucking vampire. He would have done so much more, if Shi and I hadn’t found her. And now I find myself wanting to burn it all.

Entry #13:

Alastor has been following me for a number of days now. He won’t let up. Says he wants to be friends with me and I’m “interesting.” After what he did to Aisha I’m too damn scared to say anything. Yuu and Adrien already threatened him, told him if he talked to another Golden Leo he was done for. Of course I could have told them, but I knew they’d kill him. Despite anything I hate violence the most of all, even when someone truly deserves it.

Entry #16:

Yuu… Car crash I can’t-

[!] the scriptable of words would be impossible to read. As if the author was in a deep panic [!]

Takoma came back to the pent and got into a fight with Jasper, Bunnie passed out first. Shock of seeing Takoma getting to her. Then it all goes black. I checked my recent calls, Amaya called and said Yuu had gotten into a car accident...I after everything that happen today and last week I..the stress got to me and I passed out. Next thing I know Shi is standing over me, Takoma and Aisha are fighting and Bunnie is left speechless. Aisha runs, Jaspers nowhere to be seen and Bunnie and Takoma fight next. I was shaking so bad, my head pounding so much, I tried to get up but I collapsed. The stress has made me so weak. I can’t even go see him. I’m so fucking useless as always. As I sit here I realize no matter how much I wanna die, I have another person to save. And that is the biggest burren of all. Help me.

Entry #17

Note: This happened the same day I found out about Yuu.

I went to see him yesterday. I layed on my bed for a few hours, trying to rest but found it impossible. I’d had enough and got Tenten to help me over to Yuu’s apartment. Amaya was surprised I came. I saw what happened to Yuu...his left eye was terribly injured as well as the entire left side of his body. He’s gone mute again, I think he’s in too much pain to speak...seeing him so hurt is killing me. Yesterday pushed me over the edge, I cut myself again. I hate being so useless to the pains of others.

Entry #18:

I just wanted one day and I can’t even have that. Bunnie and Takoma had another fall out after Takoma told Bunnie’s ex, who mind you Takoma didn’t know was, Bunnie was pregnant. Chris the poor guy tried to jump, and he did. Bunnie was distraught and Chris appeared out of nowhere claiming they didn’t check for his pulse. Those damn idiots. Then Bunnie hit Chris while I was at school. I kept saying I wanted to die, which isn’t a joke, and I got slapped and yelled at by Kat. It reminded me of my dad telling me to suck up… then later she did the same thing saying I was weak for showing it and I need to stop. Maybe she’s right, I’m being selfish. I kept it hidden so well until recently no one knew I’d been cutting myself or feeling this way. Now everytime I look at Cat I think of him and it sends a shiver down my spine.

Entry #21

I’ve been avoiding everyone like the plague. I wanna end it so bad, everytime someone asks me if I’m ok or how I’m doing I cringe inside. “Yeah I’m fine, I’ve got to go.” But they keep on coming, I can’t avoid it. I almost jumped after school, I went to the spot Yuu took me, the place high up in the hot springs. I was so close to the edge, so close, and I got a call from Cat and I left. Later that same day, I got snatched up and brought to Bri’s pent, she asked me if I was ok. I said fine and left. I can’t fucking believe it, only a few hours after that I get snatched against my will by Rika, Ninami and two other dudes. They bring me to Bri’s penthouse and they demand to know what's wrong. They tied my wrists and ankles together with wire ties. I was so mad, I yelled and screamed, lied and told them I just wanted to be alone for a day and they let me go. I ran out of there so fast, Bri called me yelling at me for acting that way but what was I supposed to do? Sit there and let them take me? I collapsed in the canal, I couldn’t stop shaking, I felt like I was gonna pass out, I felt like my lungs had been crushed. I was gonna drown myself right then and there. I have a feeling I’ll regret not doing it.

Entry #22:

I regret it. I regret not drowning myself then and there. I think I’m more hollow than I ever have been. He- he… dumped me. I’m so fucking worthless, so stupid. I don’t care about anything now- I’m sitting here drifting, I’m not floating, I'm not sinking, I’m being brought along these rapids. I have no control anymore, I’ve given up. Yuu found out what I did, stupid, stupid, weak, worthless. I let it get to me, the stress, this is my fault. Practically any girl is better than me, stupid idiot, I hate myself so much. It was his brother- the one who told me he could make the pain go away. How- I couldn’t have known...no I fucked it I fucked it all. No excuses no, I deserve this. The cutting helps. It makes me feel more alive than I ever have. I bleed, that means I’m still here, still present even if I feel I’m just a soul drifting through worlds. Dammit dammit, Worthless, Worthless, Worthless.

Entry #23:

[!] The sentences were scattered and broken. Making little sense in some places [!]

Worthless. I carved it into my forearm, my left forearm. W O R T H L E S S. I watched the blood streak downward and let it bleed as I walked back to the penthouse from the place I did it. I locked myself in the bathroom. Hysteria grabbing me tightly. Many times Usui called me, begging me to tell him where I was. Many times I told him to stop searching. Many times Aisha knocked on the door. Usui found me, I refused to talk. They broke in the door with some clips. He saw what I did, tried to clean it, and asked why. Why Why why? Because I am worthless, because I deserve the pain and it feels so good to feel this alive. Hurt me. Hurt me instead, he said, hurt me. No, no no. Why do you care? Why does anyone care? Because you said hello. Hello? A greeting is all it takes. Foolish foolish. I cried and sobbed. Cat came back, saw what I’d done and tried to slap me. I left the bathroom and hid in a corner. Usui blocked me in so I felt safe. But then a guy, a guy in a scary outfit and a mask came. He said he wanted to talk- talk to me. O...ok. NO! Usui wouldn’t let me. He- he scary man had a bat, I told Usui I didn’t want him to get hurt. He didn’t listen. Cat came and helped beat him. No no no no no no. Scary. I don’t like it, the yelling reminded me of him. The punches and screams. They’d almost gotten him when he escaped. Good, happy, good. Cat dragged me into the bathroom and the scary guy came back and beat me up. Then someone else came, in a scary mask too. They knocked me out and when I woke up I was in an even scarier place. They hurt me more, too scary, too hard to say. I remember the laughs and the tears. I blacked out and now I’m back in bed. And now...I...I can’t talk. I won’t talk. I’ll be good, I’ll be quiet.

Entry #24:

I am the problem. People fight because of me. The moment I sit down something happens. Jasper and Aisha were talking to me through a book when some guy came and sat down really close next to me. He had overheard I was mute and was trying to play it off as we were best friends. He gave me bad vibes. Then later that same day I was in the tree spot at school, my friends were trying to talk to me and Aisha and Jasper had to explain I was mute. Takoma was saying some things about me cheating and how horrible I am...which is true but Clover was upset and tried to fight Takoma and Bunnie. They got pulled apart by a counsellor and that was that.

Then later, Ash tried to grab me, for what reason I don’t know- and started running around with me while my friends chased Ash. We ended up in a tunnel where I was put down. Some people who joined the race turned out to be friends of Ash’s. They started beating up Jase because they thought he was doing something wrong. I broke down. I felt so useless AGAIN. I wanted to speak but I couldn’t muster the words. I collapsed against a wall as everyone was fighting. Lenard took me out of there. I told Aisha I just wanted to go home and she agreed. But AGAIN when I try to relax someone else gets in a fight over me. It was Bunnie, Takoma, and Clover again. They started getting upset because Takoma got detention from the earlier incident. After what happened to me yesterday, yelling and fighting scares me more than ever before. I just break down and freeze. I started to sob and they left, Aisha gave me a plushie and headphones and I calmed down. And Raven got back from her trip. I'm really happy she’s back. I missed her.

Entry #25:

Lenard and I have been talking more lately. He’s very sweet- everytime he sees me he fixes my bow. He’s very kind and I appreciate it. I was sitting in the school courtyard the other day and he was talking to me when Cat came and sat on my lap. I got a little anxious because of what she did but we are slowly mending. He got defensive and yelled at her to get off. He picked me up, pushing Cat off. He made her leave and muffled the word MINE a few times. Mine.... Then Don approached me later that day and Lenard got upset and stood in between us. Asking who he was and why he wanted to talk to me. I told him we were friends and he backed off. And then I thought that was the end. Someone was sitting above me and Lenard stared them straight in the eyes (though they were wearing a mask) and said “don’t you dare fall on her.” Which they did straight into my lap. I’m very bad with touch- especially from people I don’t know. I froze up and Cat saw, she grabbed me, while Lenard and them got into a fight. I don’t know what happened but I hope he didn’t hurt them.

Entry #26:

I went to a party Rika was hosting. A lot of my friends were there and I was chilling and dancing a bit. I got offered alc several times to which I declined. But I suggested we should play a game to Nanami and we gathered up a few people. We decided to play truth or dare. I should have known something would happen. Especially with my friends there- it was Rika’s turn and she picked Lenard. He picked dare. She freaking dared him to kiss me… and Lenard being a sweetie, asked for consent first. Which I said was fine- it was nice. I know I can’t date anyone- but I miss having someone that close to hang out with.

Entry #27:

Today started off fine. I was hanging out with Aisha when I noticed an old friend. Christian. The one who Bunnie- well her ex. Anyways we were talking, Shi was yelling Milf at me, like the weirdo he is. Then outta no where Chris says he has feelings for me- I got really flustered. I’m not sure I like him but- it caught me by surprise for sure. We went to school and were talking for a while, then Aisha and Shi came up to us. Then Aisha said Usui’s name and I looked up and he stared directly at Chris. He jumps down and gets in between us. He asked me who he was to which I replied he was a friend. He got in Chris’ face and said it better stay that way. I thought they were gonna get into a fight and I was panicking a bit. Thankfully he layed off him. Then later Zenny came around and we hung out for a bit. I think our friendship has healed. We were on the school roof and he said he might doze off. I said it was fine until he said he might sleep on me- I didn’t say anything and just let him. He fell asleep in my lap- I didn’t like that one bit. Then in the middle of his sleep he grabbed my hand and began to kiss it. When he finally woke up he noticed my hand was wet and kept asking me what was wrong. I told him I was fine but he kept pushing it. He got really close to me, directly on top of me, the kind of closeness you don’t do to someone unless... I asked him to please get off and he left. That made me very uncomfortable. I just wanna be left alone- but I keep getting pressured into situations…

Entry #28:

I think- I think I like Chris. He’s so sweet and he keeps trying to protect me from getting pressured into situations. I really need that right now, because even though it's been better off than normal I need support to fully recover. In anycase, we had some ups and downs but everytime we always fixed it and came back together. He’s been hugging me and kissing me on the forehead when I’m upset. He doesn’t know how much that comfort helps me. Zenny kinda set us up- which I think is so nice. It really shows how far we’ve come as friends. He brought me to the Zen garden and we- well he pulled me in and kissed me, like actually- I wanted to but I didn’t have the guts. He makes me feel so safe, like nothing in this world can hurt me. I don’t know how to explain it but… I love him so much- it's something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Entry #29:

Chris went home for the night and I was sitting in the plaza and Lenard and his friends came up to me. They were cheering him on as he presented pick up lines to me. I didn’t know what to say so I just sat there. They started pressuring me saying we should get together and date. I did like Lenard at one point but I don’t want to be with him. Then the next day at school I was talking to Aisha and he slapped my butt. Aisha took me out of the situation and every once in and while he’ll come up and say more. I don’t know what to do… then today I was looking for Zenny because he was down. As I was walking to go see him when three guys in a car drove past me, turned around and chased me down the street. They got out and surrounded me. One guy got really close to me and begged me to kiss him. One said stuff her in the trunk. I got really scared but then out of nowhere an adult female appeared and scared them off. Thank god for her.

Entry #30:

Help me- He’s….back

[!] Writing would be frantic and hard to make out [!]

No...no no. Yuki came, Levi came, and visited after so long. Party at the hot springs Zenny, Chris, and Aisha too. Wanted-wanted time alone big mistake big big mistake. Came from the shadows. Ow! Hurt, fuzzy, pain, drowning me and punching, hair ripping and yelling in my face. Made me drink-drink alcohol than-than smashed the bottle over my head. Dizzy, swaying, he left, I left. Found golden leos penthouse. Felt like it was going dark but it didn't get dark. I got moved a bunch, and got asked questions. I didn’t answer any. He told me not to. He said he’d hurt them if he found them. Im soaking in blood, sweat and tears. Do I die now? Do I? It never leaves, I never escape, it comes back day after day. Happy for only a second. I keep shaking, and can't stop. Too much to think, too much to consider. He’s out-out there waiting...he’s gonna hurt me-worse this time. Cannot run...I’m too weak, why am I still here, why do I have to keep going. I made Zenny cry, I made Chris panic. I only cause pain, I only hurt people and bother people with my problems. Why...why do they stick around. Leave, so I don’t hurt you, them, anyone anymore.

Entry #33:

My first two journals went missing. I knew I shouldn’t have left them at the penthouse. I asked my friends about it and Zey gave me one of them. Jasper said that the other one was with a girl? They talked very fowly about her. They really didn’t like her, apparently she took both of them but they only knew she had one. Jasper said he’d get it back and he did. I went for some alone time, I found Raven and we talked on top of canal bridge till it turned dark. Then out of nowhere, Zey, Shi, Aisha, Jasper, Lace, Ena, maybe others I- I cannot remember, showed up. Aisha was crying and panicking and told me Dai called her and threatened her. He appeared and Dai told me- he had Yuki and Levi. If I didn’t go with him… he’d kill them. He pulled me aside without my friends and we talked. He told me I...I had a half sister. My mother wasn’t good enough so he cheated, and I was too weak and he wanted a better child who could think for themselves and wouldn’t cry at every conflict. He tried to get me to drink alcohol again and then- he pulled out a remote and said if I didn’t go with him he’d press it and it would kill Yuki and Levi. I was about to drink the alcohol and go with him when everyone jumped out. Chris out of no where appeared and grabbed the bottle from me and Zey pulled me back. I screamed and begged them to stop, as I was pulled away I heard the maniacal laughter of Dai pressing the remote and the bomb going off. Zey brought me into an alley to calm down and then we followed the direction of the explosion to the graveyard. Where Jasper and Aisha were holding Levi who was severely hurt. Adrenaline took over and I tended to his wounds before he was airlifted. Everyone split after that. I was alone in the graveyard when Raven showed up. She explained she was leaving us all behind, she was joining a gang, she was gonna hurt people. And Haru came around and said things like he help my dad escape prison the first time and I was so dumb. And Raven joined in on saying stuff to me. Then they both disappeared and I was alone again. Then Yuki appeared and I called Aisha and her Jasper and Lace came. They said they didn’t see him and Yuki said he wasn’t real and then he disappeared. And then I remember the feeling of nothing and the sight of black. And that's when I woke up in the Leos pent Lace beside my bed. This is my fault- he wants to hurt me so he hurts my friends… I need to find him and go with him where no one can stop me. I cannot be the reason people get hurt, I am breaking again. My happy moments never last for long I should have known. But I just- wished it wouldn’t be like all the other times. I’m sorry.

Entry #34

Rin came up to me. It's like he forgot what he did to me or doesn’t care. He said “Okemia your hot date me.” I lost it, I said nothing and walked away. And I just sat with Aisha and Zey. The morning after all that happened with my dad too. No one knows who did it… only Aisha and Jasper know it even happened. Rin is a very popular person, they’d take his side over mine anyday. Then I’d just be hated even more than I am...so I’ll just avoid him and shut up about it.

Entry #36:

A week after the last entry I was at school when some guy came up to Aisha, Jasper, Ena, Zey, Lace, and I. He explained he was Chris’ brother, which I didn’t believe in the slightest considering the fact that Chris said he’d been adopted after his parents both died. He started making threats about hurting all of the people Chris held dear. The freaky part was he knew our names and about my father. I don’t like where this is going.

Entry #37:

I got a call from Chris’ phone. It was his brother, he told me he wanted me to meet someone at Chris’ bridge spot next to the dojo. He said if I didn’t comply he’d hurt Chris. I had no other option. A man claiming to be Chris’ father introduced himself and talked of Chris illy. Jasper and Ena appeared not long after saying they also received calls. They came while Chris’ father had grabbed me. Jasper tried to stop him but Chris’ father pushed him off the bridge and Jasper passed out. His father left to let Chris’ brother do the rest of the work. I stood there screaming Jasper’s name. His brother pushed Ena off too. He cornered me and turned me around snatching my hair bow. “I’ll be back for you.” And then he left. I called Aisha and she called Chris. After they arrived I was so overwhelmed I left. They tended to Jasper.

Entry #38:

That sister, the one Dai mentioned that night, I met her! Her name’s Naoki. She said she wanted to meet me. Even if we are only related through Dai , I still love her so much. I’ve always felt alone- but knowing there's someone like me in this world, just makes me so happy. She’s got Dai’s hair and eyes but her face looks sweet and gentle like I bet her mom is.. I can’t wait to hang out with her and do all the sisterly things I never got to. It really helped me forget for a bit about Chris being gone. It's been a week, I haven’t seen Chris at all. I tried calling him many times but he wouldn't answer. No one has seen him and I’m starting to get worried. If he doesn’t show up soon I’m going to file a missing persons report.

Entry #39:

It's been three days, I put in the report and the police are searching. I pray nothing happened. I wonder where he is, where would he have gone? Did I do something to make him leave? I don’t want this to be just another repeat of all my other relationships. They always leave-

Entry #40:

I’m beginning to lose feeling in anything. He was the one keeping me going, he’s gone. How do I find the motivation? I used to find it in helping others but- now that just causes more pain than anything else. I’ve cried so much these three weeks he’s been gone. I’m breaking badly, it's not at the point of sucide but it's getting there. I don’t want to go back to my old habits- I want to be happy. But life is making it so very difficult.

Entry #41:

The police told me they are still looking for him, but with no trail to follow the odds of them finding him are slim. He’s dead isn’t he? I’ve been pushing it off and pushing it off but he’s dead. Even if he isn't, he doesn’t want me in his life. Now what? What am I gonna do to keep going? Worst of all people are taking notice, they keep on asking why I am sad. I need to hide it so I don’t upset anyone.

Entry #42:

I feel so numb. I’ve been avoiding everyone this last month and a half. I’ve only seen Jasper and Aisha three times and everyone else once or not at all. I’ve had a lot of time to think. A lot. I’ve been thinking about my time in this town and life in general. Sometimes I wonder if everyones ok but I can’t bring myself to check. Because I know they’ll ask why I’ve been distant. I don’t have a reason other than I cannot be around because it hurts more.

Entry #43:

So. Is this what life is, a war that makes you lose it all? That verse is from a poem Eden wrote. It's been ringing in my head the last few days. I’m gonna agree it really is a war and I feel I’ve lost everything. Is it terrible I want to start life over? Or is it a selfish thought?

Entry #44:

It marks two months since Chris disappeared. I’m thinking of ways to make this easier but I find there's nothing to ease this heartache. I wish I could feel anything, depression, sucide anything. But I just sit here day in and day out with no purpose, no reason. I’m just a shell taking up unnecessary space.

Entry #45:

He’s alive and yet I feel nothing at all. Jasper called me while I was talking to Levi who had gotten out of the hospital. He claimed Chris had come back, I thought he was seeing things. He kept calling me and calling me and finally I wanted him to shut up so I went to where Jasper claimed Chris was. The Zen garden, where we had our first kiss. Sure enough, there he was standing there, a ghost to me, and almost a stranger. A stranger who killed his father as he put it. I listened to the empty words he said and when he was done he left in disarray. Perhaps I’m a stranger to myself, I should have- no I would have two months ago held him tight and never let him go. I left heading for the train station. Lily stopped me and asked where I was going. Leaving. I tried to leave. She blocked my path. She must have called Jasper, Aisha and Chris because they appeared from seemingly nowhere. I tried to step on the train. They refused to let me go. I tried to walk away and Chris grabbed me, not letting me go though I screamed and pleaded. They had me worked up so much- I had no emotion, so when I pushed him and slapped him across the face, the person I loved- I had no remorse. Only a fight to escape. Like some prey animal that had been caught. Of course, because that's what he does, Usui appeared. He really makes an entrance, he has a sense that tells him when my world is crumbling down I swear. He separated me and Chris and after I explained I wanted to leave but no one would let me, I was dragged away by Usui. Lily followed in the shadows. Usui and I talked and said our goodbyes. He said he supported me leaving after I explained why. It wasn’t just Chris. It was everything in those three god damned years I’d lived in Karakura. Seems like everyone did something surprising. Zenny came back from a trip he had taken out of the blue. I handed him my journals because he asked why I was leaving. I headed for the station once more, which Lily instantly tried to stop me. Zenny helped me there after some fights with her. I looked at the train, then back at my friends. They finally were letting me leave. Aisha- she thought I was going on a trip. She doesn’t understand that I'm not coming back. That hurt. I told Jasper to take care of her. I know he will. Chris was not there that time. For all I know he’s dead. How it should have stayed, that day he came back for me though it might have been real, to me it was just a ghost. The final memory of the last person I will ever love.

Entry #48

I’ve been making it a habit to check the bridge spot in the forest everyday since I’ve been here. I don’t know if I’m going to stay- but I thought while I was here I would. Today I actually met a strange person- he came up to the bridge spot. He knew who I was. He said months previous before I had left Chris had been looking for me for something and he asked him to find me. He introduced himself as Oosaka. When I asked if he’d seen Chris recently he said he had not, but said like he had done with Chris to me, he would try to find him. I thanked him and he left. Later that same day Yuki came up to me. I told him I wasn’t sure about staying but he convinced me otherwise. He told me something I dreaded to hear, my dad was out of prison once again. Levi was missing and to my surprise Zeke was alive. Yuki made a call to him and we talked after two years since he had mysteriously left. I also managed to see Usui. He was in good spirits and I found out he was dating none other than Calico!

Entry #49

Damn it. It's only been six days and now I’m reminded of why I left Karakura in the first place. Tragic events occur. I find I blame myself for this one, perhaps if I had stayed I could have seen past her hidden sadness and done something. Ena was found, overdosing in the bathroom. This was right after I had finished comforting Aisha after she found out Jasper had left for no apparent reason. It was such a horrific sight, one of my best friends, my sister, was laying limp half in half out of a bathtub. No pulse, cold as ice. I called the doctor, they rushed her to the hospital, I called Zeke, her brother. And we paced. He was disgusted at me for this, he cried that I was entrusted with her when he left as said in his note. And he was right, and yet I had left her all alone. I was truly the one to blame. I was there to keep everyone happy and now- now she is dead. I want to leave Karakura again but if I do, who will die next?

Entry #50

After reading through the previous entries I remember what happened this last week. I woke up in Lily’s apartment, my head pounding terribly. She claimed I had fallen down the stairs and hit my head. While I was regaining my wits, I came back to Lace’s apartment to see that Aisha was clearly distraught. I hadn’t read this before so I had forgotten about Ena’s death and of Jasper leaving. When I questioned her about it she started to get riled up to the point she screamed how much she hated me for leaving. How she couldn’t believe how selfish I was. She said she wished I’d taken Ena’s place in that bathroom. She went on a rant about roses- which is kinda my whole thing. One of the reasons I got a sleeve tattoo of a rose vine around my carving. Then she told me about Jasper leaving, I was very confused since I did not remember this so I kept repeating he was coming back. Her anger only rose, to the point she pulled out a knife and stabbed me in the side. “Bleed red like a rose bitch.” That was what she said before she walked out. I can’t remember much but the extreme pain, because I passed out shortly after. Turns out Lace found me in the doorway of the apartment and took me to the hospital along with Zey. And now I find myself having a deep unresolved hate I had for myself before I left boiling to the surface. Why the fuck did I leave everyone alone for so long.

Entry #52:

As I’ve been told by the hospital staff when I woke up, I was in a coma for 3 weeks. They said I cannot leave because they want to monitor me to make sure there are no lingering symptoms. They’ve given me a journal to write in. Plan ripping these pages out and taping it into the other journal. My head hurts a whole lot. They said I fell from a height of 30 to 40 feet. The doctors also said that I had a mild concussion before I fell that worsened the injuries I sustained. There was blunt trauma at the back of my head, they said it was similar to being hit by some large object in the head. So I guess it really wasn’t me falling down some stairs. I found out Oosaka works here- he comes in to check on me from time to time. He said he works at the hospital but is out a lot as he’s mainly a paramedic.

Entry #54:

They let me go today. I went back to the apartment but there was no one there… so I waited a few hours. Aisha came in the door and- she's blind? Her other eye is- well broken? Not working? How do I even put it? When I spoke she thought I was just some audio clip… she ran out screaming it wasn’t funny. As she ran she left the door open and I saw Lily. She was alive? My head hurts, not just from the fall.

Entry #55:

I’ve given up trying to approach Aisha, she doesn’t believe I’m real. I was at school today and an odd hooded figure motioned for me to follow them. I did and I couldn’t believe it, Levi. He started speaking nonsense telling me not to pursue my dad. That it was dangerous. He then whispered help. He looked around frantically and explained he was being made to say all this. He said my father wants both me and Naoki dead. He gave me a riddle from my father. Levi being held hostage and I- I don’t know what to do. I told Yuki and he seems so confident. I’m no superhero, I’m just an ordinary person. I’m not even that strong. How can I hope to help save anyone?

Entry #56:

Jasper came back today, told Aisha he would. I told him about everything that happened. Ena's death stunned him as well as everything else. I’m surprised in my 8 months of leave no one died but just one for Jasper and- well yeah. We tried to get Aisha to see I was really real but she refused still. It hurts so much she runs when I try to talk to her… I guess the only good part of today was I made up with Chris. I was really upset but- it's hard to stay mad. But of course it was ruined by Chris telling me Naoki was gonna kill Issac. We rushed to the bridge but she had already done it. I felt like I was gonna pass out. She burned the body- saying she’d killed many more people… what is my family-

Entry #57:

Raven- I haven’t seen her in like a year and a half! She came to visit the apartment! We didn’t have much time to speak but I was so happy to see her I didn’t care. We hugged and she asked about Akane. I told her she was doing amazing, she got adopted and I forgot to mention in the last entry but Zey and Missumi who adopted her are having another kid. So she’ll get to be a big sister. She was about to leave but damn it I can’t have one happy moment without it getting spoiled. Rin and two females barged into the apartment. They live above us. He still has the audacity to flirt with me after trying to force himself on me. What a play boy I swear to god it’ll catch up with him one day. I emitted to Raven he was the one who did that to me, no one knew who did it but a few knew it happened. She said next time she’d beat him up for me. I laughed at that.

Entry #58:

Wouldn’t be a Karakura party without the cops showing up. I got searched, surprise surprise I had nothing illegal on me nor was I drunk. Something that's been on my mind recently is how Aisha lost her eye- I thought if I couldn’t ask Aisha since she doesn’t think I’m awake, I’d ask Jasper. And my trust got betrayed. Usui blinded her. I didn’t even know he was involved in that kind of- practice. I don’t know what to think- Jasper said something that reminded me of what Aisha said before she stabbed me. I’m special to him so he doesn’t hurt me. Like Aisha said everyone loves you- I...I know it's true. And I don’t deserve that love. Jasper snapped at me, getting more pissed by the moment and left. Apparently Aisha blames the loss of her eye on Jasper. Which makes no sense.. He wasn’t even there, he was on his trip. I was sitting on the platform by the stairs in the apartment complex and Lace came up to me. He was wearing a mask and was holding a spiked bat. I didn’t recognize him and got freaked out. I explained to him my fear of weapons. He apparently had no clue of my past- thought it was public at this point. I showed him the newsletter of my dad killing my mother. Think I scared him off with that one heh. And I continue this entry. Thought I was done writing tonight but no. Rin comes up to me while I’m clearly distraught, sits down real close, leans in and looks at me. I asked him what the hell he wanted to which he replied “you.” I swear to god I’m gonna kill a man. I told him to leave and he said “sorry sexy.” And left me alone. Biggest playboy no joke. I bet knowing his type he’s salty about me not letting him have his way with me. Best decision of my life.

Note: The newspaper title was called “Deranged man slits wife's throat.” It's by Karakura’s news. The story is quite old at this point, like three or four years. But I still have a copy somewhere in my belongings.

Entry #59:

Met some cool people in the hot springs, well it's actually called a monastery. I spent the morning with them before going back to the apartment. A friend of Lace’s invited us to his apartment. Us being Lace, Yuna, and I. He asked for my help, so I followed him and found myself trapped in his laundry room. This made me unsettled but surely the same thing wouldn’t happen again right? Well apparently it was because I heard Lace mention me having a partner. After that unsettling incident we hosted a party which was nice considering it's been so long since I’ve been to one. It wined down rather quickly so we went back to the apartment. Next thing I knew I was in some sort of park. Miles standing over me. He told me he had forced me to drink alcohol while drunk and we’d gotten into a fight. Where he proceeded to push me off Lace’s stairs balcony. After that we arrived at another party hosted by Yua. I brought Yuna and Lace with me and Miles followed behind. Yet again Miles got drunk and kept kissing me. I told him to stop several times. He also kissed Yuna and Lace. I told Oosaka about the incident the day after and he said he’d talk to Miles.

Entry #60:

I’m falling into my old habits. Today at school an odd white haired man sat next to me. Miles and this kid were talking and Lace and Yuna were arguing in front of me. He asked for my name, he said he went by the name Berserk. Considering he was wearing a mask and that was an allius I knew he was in a gang. So I went along with what he did. As a joke he sat in my lap. Which I was kind of nervous about but he seemed friendly. I got to feel his hair- it was very soft. He asked if we could hang out. I didn’t see any harm so he took me to his apartment. I knew things were gonna be weird when we went into his room. We sat on his bed for a bit with a good distance. I asked him about his life and he said he had a fiance. That calmed me down. Until he started staying she might be cheating and he was poly. He then tried small things like holding my hand. I grew tense and he noticed. I had to explain very vaguely how because of trauma I was terrible with touch. He backed off for a bit. He finally took his mask off after that, saying I would think he was ugly. Which was far from the case. He had a pretty interesting scar. He then confirmed my suspicion of him being in a gang and said his real name was Kadoc. Kadoc asked me if we could go further- I was not at all ok. Firstly I was not comfortable after everything and Chris even though never around was dating me. He then asked if he could at least kiss me. I let him, feeling bad I denied him anything else. But he got very touchy very fast. He started grabbing my sides and such. He said he really wanted to go further. I told him he had finance and I didn’t want to ruin it. That wasn’t the main reason but I hoped he’d stop. He was rather respectful and asked my permission. He then started to kiss my neck- I was gonna push him off but if I’m being honest I was rather attention starved. After that I left. Was that considered cheating? Chris has been gone for so long… and it's been 8 months since I’d seen him. I’ve been back and I’ve only seen him twice. Maybe it's time we- split.

Entry #61:

I saw a ghost today. Well to be exact I got a call and went to the train station to see if this was all a trick. It wasn’t. I saw Yuchiro. Who had been rumoured to have gone missing and was dead. He said he’d been in London, his home, working on himself. I told him about all the things he’d missed. Which there was a lot… and we caught up. It was nice seeing a familiar face. Oh also Miles brought this new kid named Brix to the apartment. He seems nice, kinda reminds me of a short haired Oosaka, well in terms of looks, definitely not in terms of personality.

Entry #62:

I saw Raven and Yuki today. They explained they were planning an attack on my father to get Levi back. That whole thing seems like something out of a movie. I’ve been so wrapped up in present things I forget about the fact I’m being watched. I hope Levi’s ok. And hopefully we can get him back soon.

Entry #63:

Miles has been having a lot of trouble with Jasper as of late. And Jasper’s been bursting out in anger and in violence at the smallest things. I’m worried for both of their safety. Everytime Jasper is left alone with Miles they get into a sort of altercation that ends in bruises and blood. It's very concerning to see. Miles told me about his past today. He wrote a letter that said his parents were gone. He made friends, who he looked up to as parental figures and they betrayed him. He told them about his past and parents. They hurt him, tied him to a chair, and spilled his secrets to strangers. Dumped Milk and juice on him while tied and then pushed him off the stage he was on while still tied. Poor kid- no wonder he has trust issues.

Entry #65:

I was at the plaza and Rune picked me up and brought me to his apartment again. He said food makes him feel better so he gave me some pizza. I told him about Aisha. The food was nice but it didn’t distract me. He could tell that so he turned on the titanic. We were sitting on the couch and I was talking about how tired I am of all this shit happening to me. You know the ranting you do, and he just listened- and provided advice to me. I appreciated that. I asked how I was supposed to distract myself and he said he could help. Man kissed me- I mean it worked… all I could think about was the fact he did that! I left after that because of the awkwardness. I appreciate him. Even if it's a little unconventional.

Entry #66:

Today I came into Lace’s apartment to find three strangers who apparently were Lily’s friends. They didn’t explain why they were there but they kept asking if Jasper was home. In the middle of talking to them Lily asked me to take her to the woods bridge, the one Chris always went to. When we arrived Lily started going really close to the edge. She lied and said she wanted to see a nice view. I knew what she was doing, I’d seen suicide attempts so many times by other and by myself. I tried to speak to her and explained she was loved. But in such a sudden moment, so fast I couldn’t grab her. She jumped. Plumitting so far downward. When I made it to where she fell, her lifeless body was bleeding. I knew the only way to save her was the hospital. I picked her up and ran as fast as I feel I ever had. Oosaka was there thankfully. I was able to take her home- she did have bad head trauma so her head was tightly wrapped. It went over her eyes so she found it hard to see. When we got back to Lace’s she started yelling at Jasper and punching things. Yelling triggers me in some instances. Like when I’m not very menetally stable. This whole week has drained me past what I can endure.

Entry #67:

I couldn’t handle Lily’s yelling and breaking of things. I asked Zey and Yuna to watch her while I went on a walk. I ended up at the tunnel that leads out of Karakura. I sat there for a long while. And honestly I was about ready to leave without saying goodbye again. Oosaka appeared out of nowhere. He sat with me for a while and asked what was up. I told him this week was too much and I just couldn’t keep going. He asked me what was up but I didn't have the heart to tell him. He said I should head to school. So I made a stop by Ena’s grave on the way. There was an empty grave next to it. I hope they have Aishas there. I got to the school, and I actually saw Rika for the first time in more than a year. I was excited to see her, but again didn’t show it all that well. Lily’s been trying to get close and hug me. I can’t help but move away. I feel bad but- I just don’t wanna deal with it right now. I wanna be alone.

Entry #68:

I guess adrenaline can be a curse and a life saver. I got a call from Lily saying she needed help at Lace’s. I could hear screams and thuds in the background. I sprinted as fast as I could to the apartment. To find Miles and Jasper going at it and Lily hiding. Miles dragged him into a room and I heard yelling. Yuna arrived shortly after. Jasper was thrown through the doors of the room, I could see a very angry look emitting from him. I needed him to calm down but I doubt talking would have done the trick. With my stress levels and adrenaline high, and the fact I hadn’t been acting myself I did something I never ever would have done. I helped Yuna knock him out- afterward she broke his knee. Which I didn’t agree with one bit. She went downstairs. I grabbed Jasper and set him on his bed, beginning to wrap the knee. Miles lectured me about how all this wasn’t necessary. I just blew him off. He punched me a few times but to be honest I was too riled up to care. Not to mention he blamed Jasper’s knee getting broken on me. My only intention was to knock him out so he wouldn’t hurt anyone else. He had been beating Miles and Lily both. And I was done with his shit.

Entry #69:

Next thing I knew after that terrible incident. I was being dragged through the sewers by some lady in a rat mask. This whole day from start to finish has been emotionally and physically draining. I just let her drag me. We eventually stopped, to which she started kicking and punching my head. I felt so light headed with each blow she dealt. She ended up knocking me out. When I woke up I had this intense pain in my knee. Guess its karma? Because mine was broken too. I ripped the bottom of my pants and tied it around my knee. Thank god there was a sewer exit fairly nearby because I had to drag myself through it. I found a stick from one of the trees and limped back to the apartment. There I found Masamune, another one of Yuchiro’s brothers and a friend of his I cannot remember the name of. They said they insisted I go to the hospital. I tried to play it off as I was fine but they wouldn’t have it. They took me in, but the staff was all busy. Masamune ended up popping it back into place and we got a cast.

Entry #70:

At this point, I think my feelings were clearly visible. I can hide it so well no one knows I’m even the slightest bit upset. But it comes to a point where you cannot hold it anymore. I was a bursting dam. So I started asking what the point was, how I just wanted to feel no pain. I started talking very suicidal. Yeah I wanna die, I’m just too tired to do anything. Yuchiro was there, he kept telling me to stop talking like that. I was in a rather snappy mood and was pretty rude to him. I was pissed off from everything that had unfolded in one day. When I wouldn’t quit he picked me up and took me to the beach. Zey and the guy who came with Masamune to the hospital as well. I think he was using the tough love tactic because he told me if I wanted to die to drown right here and now. I did want to get rid of the pain but- I for one couldn’t walk. Two was too tired, and three didn’t want to die by drowning. But I understood his point. The three of those guys I owe a lot. They stopped me from committing at least for now.

Note: despite all the terrible people in Karakura, there's a few who continue to surprise me. Respect to them for not changing who they are, something I could never bring myself to do.

Entry #71:

Finally got crutches for my knee. It really helps, the funny thing is now that I can actually move alright people ask if I need help. Guess just a cast isn’t a big giveaway compared to how noticeable crutches are but still. I keep declining the request for help. Especially the strangers, I hate how much attention this draws to me. Anyhow I went to a party today and the guy, forgot his name, told me he was Kodac’s brother. He wanted to walk me home after the party but I declined. I told him it was because I wanted to be independent, but that full truth was that and I didn’t trust him.

Entry #72:

Kaz, the guy who brought me to the hospital made me climb up to where Chris used to hang. The bridge. He supported me by holding my back and I used the crutches as a lead way and made it up there. I sat for a while and thought about him. It's been months, either he left to give me a taste of my own medicine or he’s dead. Both of which I could see. I have a feeling I’ll never find out. I also met a sweet girl named Anno. She was also crippled from falling off the lighthouse ladder. We became fast friends. Later that day I found her passed out in the plaza and had someone carry her to the hospital for me. Soon after the gang arrived with Lily. She has tried to commit again which I’m not even surprised about anymore.

Entry #73:

Got pushed around a bunch today. Guess having crutches draws attention. Got called names, pushed, tripped, thrown in the canal. Anyway- I was getting seriously bullied by these two, a boy and a girl, in one of my classes. They continued the hazing into the courtyard. A guy who I’d encountered before but didn’t write about, thinking nothing of him at the time, got into a fight with them. He ended up getting suspended over it. I feel terrible but he said he was glad to help, his name is Ray. Think I’m gonna go- not forever but for a while. Maybe get out on the road again and enjoy the world. I don’t think it will be anywhere near as long as the last time I left but, it’ll be a while. With Aisha and Ena dead I need a mental break. From all this- pain.

Entry #75:

Yuna nearly had a panic attack in russian today. Apparently her sister was kidnapped or missing or something? I followed her around till we found her sister with some masked dude in Yuna’s apartment. Man seriously wouldn’t even address me, just had his arms wrapped around the sister. Couldn’t even tell me his name or take the mask off. Odd fellow really. Yuna told her sister to get away, and then threatened her sister a bit. The sister didn’t take the threats well and the guy comforted her? Nothing interesting happened though the guy kinda confused me.

Note: I knew some of what she said in Russian because here and there Osaka's been teaching me. Apparently his dad was russian? Or was it his mom?

Entry #76:

Got close with Ray. Honestly kinda doing whatever someone else wants to do or nothing at all, well maybe thinking and listening to music. He got a suit tailored to match my kimono. I showed him the hidey hole, he got really comfortable and started to kiss me. One thing leads to another, you know the story. He left so many bruises on me, damn he’s rough. He told me he had a girl and wanted to keep it a secret. Hell everyone cheats in this town anyway. I said sure, I think I’ma be done with him. I don’t wanna be the reason someone got cheated on. Too much drama to deal with.

Entry #77:

Was on my way back to the apartment when I saw Miles beating this white haired chick who hangs around everyone. Think her name is Aurora? Anyways he snapped her arm in front of me. I told him to stop but to be honest I didn’t have the incentive to stop him. But then the kid fucking pissed me off. He really needs to learn his place. Started ranting about how I was to blame for Jasper’s leg getting broken. I was pissed at Jasper but that leg snapping on Yunas part fucked everything up. Why am I getting all the blame when I didn’t even want her to hurt him. Idiots all of them. Anyways, I thought I’d teach him to keep his mouth shut. Knocked him out, kid prays on the weak to feel powerful, news flash he’s weaker then all the people he hurts. Maybe he’ll think about it next time he goes spatting shit. I’m so done with this city I swear to god, but I can’t leave.

Entry #78:

Lily asked me to take her to the station today. Didn’t question, before she got on she said she was running away. What a joke, thinking you can leave this forsaken town. I told her “you’ll be back. Once you come to Karakura you can never truly leave. It eats away at your thoughts like an infection until you have no choice but to return. Or maybe more of a curse. There's no escaping this hell on earth. Once you find yourself there, forever shall you pray that your grave get dug sooner.”

Entry #79:

Roses, beautiful when they bloom and when they wither, a symbol nothing beautiful lasts forever. However I feel, I myself am neither a rose nor a withered one. There is no beauty and there is no important meaning. I am now what I’d describe as shattered like glass. I am not colorful, but clear and unseen. I am only felt when you step all on me, I am rigid and painful to those around me. When you step on me, you bleed, you curse me and pull me out and throw me in the trash. Or you leave me for someone else to clean up the mess because you can’t bother to. And if that's the case, they step on me and leave, little bits of myself going along with them. Until I am scattered and you can no longer see a shape, only bits and pieces of what I used to be. I am shattered and scattered and the only color left is the red pain and the clear bitter emptiness of what little I have become. I wish I could even consider myself even the most withered rose, but there is no meaning to the beauty I have lost. Because it was never there to begin with.

As I ponder if my life even amounded to one thing, I find I’ve lost it all in the end, just as fate intended. So I’ll keep being broken into smaller and smaller pieces. Till there really is nothing left but specks that only sparkle for a brief moment in the sun. Catching the eyes of those hoping for something valuable, disappointing those who come to discover I’m nothing more than broken glass. Sorry I made you bleed, but rest easy knowing I paid my due in the end. For there is no feeling as draining, as sickening as being shattered glass. One day, it’ll rain and I'll wash away for good. Funny how, it only takes a little bit to sweep me away, though if it had before I’d become pieces, I would have cracked just the same. I am fragile, I guess that's why every person who stepped on me left such a profound crack. I mean that in the literal and non literal sense. I want to be a sheet of steel not glass, I acted like metal but broke so easily, I am done pretending, I am done. Don’t take that as I don’t wanna live, I tried that approach already. All it left me was feeling more frustrated than I was before. So, I suppose I’ll be those bits and pieces and accept the fact I’ll wash away. That's all glass can do.

Perhaps if I had been made stronger in the beginning of this life, not strong from pain like I was but strong from others. I could have been a window, protecting others from the rain. Maybe steel wasn’t what I wanted to be but what I wanted others to see so I didn’t seem as easy to shatter. But being a window, to show others what lay beyond if they go outside, would have made my life more beautiful. Sure I would have still been clear, but on rainy days I would have been appreciated and on sunny ones I would have reminded them of the beauty of the world, from sunlight that reaches the corner of their vision. They would turn and smile at it. To think I would have helped to create a smile. But I can no longer be a window, from the first cracks of my father I barely had a change anyway.

Try as I might, there is no bit of salvageable pane to protect, don’t dig through the wreckage hoping to find something beautiful, something useful. All you’ll end up with is a bloody mess you endured. Endured for someone who hasn’t the willpower nor heart to pay it back. Avoid me if you can, but if you do step on me, take the pain and go, don’t stand around hoping to find what I once was. I was always shattered glass. Tread lightly, glass scatters far and breaks so easily. You know, I try to steal your pain, make you happy. But the blood left behind compares little to the jagged slice of glass. So, in the end, I am nothing more than the glass abandoned, be it from a car, or a house that once served someone. This glass is no good to anyone. I pity the fool who tries to fix wounded souls like myself. It drags them down and soon enough, they’ll just become one of us.

Entry #80:

Guess I left my journal last night. I was just so wrapped up in thought I didn’t realize. The last entry is what I wrote, I guess- well I’m surprised I got this journal back. Oosaka found it on his way back from work. He told me he is here if I ever wanna talk, honestly- talking isn’t gonna fix this. What do you do when you feel so hopeless and so lost, how do you regain what you lost? I’m starting to think it's not possible. He actually gave me a long talk- I opened up because I just don’t care anymore.

Entry #81:

Dai’s dead, killed by Zeke, Ena’s brother. Well I suppose I should cross it and write hers and mine- guess Dai did more than ruin my life. He really wasn’t meant for a relationship, afterall he was never satisfied, moving on to the next. A brother. Yuki and Levi appeared out of nowhere. Levi was so very cruel to Aisha, who by some miracle regained her sight, tough love, had to be. Yuki told me they took over both Dai’s fortune and assets. They wanna make the worse a better place, less corrupt, ambitious. Honestly I have nothing to lose, just kinda floating around aimlessly at this point. So I joined them. May grow to regret that.

Entry #82:

Another day, another death. Yunas gone to, murdered in her own apartment, and the case won’t be solved because the police don’t care about one measly little life. Heck they only care about their title. Karakura really is something. Sephtis actually noticed my empty look, so I went into this nonchalant talk about my life. I guess my life could freak someone out- he just gave me a hug after. Don’t think I should be going around talking about it, it scares people and they don’t wanna get near for fear of saying something wrong. Suppose the distance between everyone and I keeps growing.

Entry #83:

Police finally found something they care about, a power plant becoming unstable or something? Could have to do with the gang war going on, or it could just be a coincidence. While I watched the police work I found Aisha and Jasper hanging with this group. They’re the school's science club I think? Glad they’re finding friends- who treat them right. They had a meeting, I zoned out during the worst possible moment because I was just staring at them. Made a break for it before I got questioned.

Note: they asked if I wanna join to which I declined. I don’t think I’d bring much joy to a club, I’d drag it down like everything else.

Entry #84:

Who knew one annoying flirt could cause so much grief and annoyance. I was relaxing by the volleyball courts on the beach when a hotheaded, ignorant guy stumbled his way over and flirted with me. I rejected him straight up but this cocky kid wouldn’t take no as an answer. I was about to throw fists at him when Aisha came barreling past, a guy chasing her. I pushed past the flirt in an attempt to get the chaser to leave Aisha alone. Mr. Flirt being the arrogant guy he was followed closely behind. I was ignoring him at this point, the dude who had been following Aisha grabbed at her and I stepped him yelling at him to back off. It got messy when Aisha tackled the flirt, who I found was named Hex, and stool some shrimp plush, then she ran off. The three of us dashed after her and I found her. I got her to calm down and she gave Hex back the plush and mr. chaser started lecturing her. I got pretty pissed at him for that.

Note: Does Aisha know Hex? Why else would she tackle, then proceed to steal something of his?

Entry #85:

I made a new friend! Hex started flirting with the poor girl, I told him to leave her and me and her got to talking. Her name was Emiko and she told me she was in the Mafia- I didn’t expect that from such a sweet seeming girl, but hey it's Karakura. Not sure if it was the best idea to tell someone who works for the Mafia, my rather questionable life but hey I kinda don’t care at this point so I did. Long story short I got a call from Aisha saying she was at the KPD and needed me. Mr. Chaser forced her to file a police report on Hex because he tried to drown her- If I see him he’s dead. Mr. Chaser's actual name was Khash, we made up after the whole lecturing thing. I had to explain to the idiot Aisha has PTSD and when he yelled at her, that's why she shut down (a whole incident I wasn’t there for). Anyhow we went to Khash’s apartment and she slept for a bit, Khash and I talked. Aisha went to meet Don once she awoke. Everything seemed fine.

Entry #86:

Khash and I were outside when we heard a scream and found Emiko. She says she had to deal with something, but she's alright. Khash started getting worked up and bolted down an alley, to which we followed and we found Don and Aisha chilling. He was all worried about her and soon they erupted into an argument. I tried to intervene but Aisha kicked me in the stomach knocking me down. Don and Emiko separate them and I try to talk to Aisha and she's pissed. She started lecturing me about how I’m the reason Yuu cheated on her and how terrible I am. Which I agree… still hurt though. Aisha disappeared and Khash goes back to his apartment for something. I should have known that wasn’t the end, the man shows up with a bat and a mask and starts threatening to hurt Aisha and take her eye. During the argument Aisha insulted his dead brother, which I thought was bad but he came back with the fact his dead brother and a few friends beat Jasper senseless and recorded it. What the actual fuck. I convinced him to not beat her but at that point I was half awake. It's been three days since I last slept. I jolted awake from a worrying text which I knew all too well means she cut herself. Aisha that is. When I did find her she was talking about sky diving, of course she meant suicide. I convinced her to go to Lace’s where I pass out in the hidie whole. Exhausting day.

Entry #87:

Mathis asked me today at school why I was so tense. I suppose I’m perhaps beginning to accept what happened in my life, because I shared it with him. I haven’t written about him, but he’s a friend of Lace’s. I think I went a little too into depth because he seemed upset when I brought up that I had cheated before. Khash called me during the conversation and wanted my help. He said Jasper and Aisha were having problems but when I got there everything was fine. Khash and Jasper started arguing and after Khash finally walked away I told Jasper about Khash threatening Aisha. Jasper went off the deep end and I knew he wanted to hurt Khash. They left and I just sat down, trying to forget. Mathis checked on me, and I tipped off Khash about Jasper's tangent, but started ignoring him after he threatened to hurt Jasper. I just kinda gave up.

Entry #88:

I just tried to ignore my thoughts, Mathis chilled with me, before Khash came in and asked why I wasn’t answering. I walked away and he started to follow me. I tried to lose him, then tried to tell him to leave me alone and he wouldn’t. I started to panic and picked up my pace, he was relentless and followed me through every alley. Even cornering me before I managed to push past him. I tried to duck behind a tree but he found me and cornered me this time I was totally trapped. He got real close, now I was really getting flashbacks of my childhood. Dai pinned me against the wall and beat me- I dropped to the floor trying to hide. Jasper suddenly appeared and got him to back up, I have never been so happy to see Jasper. I darted away and later got a call from Khash saying he couldn’t believe I’d done that when he was trying to help. Then he blocked me- I feel terrible, I am terrible. I guess I do hurt everyone I meet. Dai always said I was the problem, the mercy he’d shown is why I’m still here. And maybe everyone else's too. Wonder why I’m not dead yet then? Mathis called and I told him what happened- he came to check on me again when Hex appeared. Hex actually apologized for the whole flirt situation. I was gonna kill him for what he did to Aisha but I just sternly warned him to stay away from her. These days are getting longer and longer.

Entry #89:

I ran into one of Aisha and Jasper’s friends from the science club, her name was Ava. We were just talking when a quite pushy man started flirting with her. I stepped between them and tried to get him to back down. Like most of his type he couldn’t let his fragile masculinity be damaged by a woman so we got into a brawl. Some lady came running from nowhere when I was so close to winning and pulled me off the guy. She flashed a bage, the same one as Emiko. That idiot guy ran off before I could do anything worse. I departed from Ava after that. Later that night I was taking a nightly stroll on the beach. I’d gone to sit down and enjoy the peace of the waves when Zeke approached from behind. Scared the ever living daylights out of me. It was the first time I’d spoken to him, as siblings, instead of friends. His overall self, his tone, his movements, were completely changed. He explained that what I’d seen was just an act to get rid of Dai. I asked him about Naoki, since we were on the topic of siblings and he said she joined Grotto Hill. An actual brother? Who would have thought I’d get the luxury of one of those.

Entry #90:

I finally picked back up with the idea of moving into Zey’s room, in Lace’s apartment. As it stood I was staying in the hidey hole. Some terrible things were going on with Aisha while I was moving in. She’d seemed rather upset, and mentioned Aiko a few times. I tried to help her but she went silent for a bit. I had a bit of a scare when a loud thud came from upstairs. I must not have heard Aisha come back because when I went into the bathroom I found her collapsed beside the bathtub. Mathias came in a moment after I did, he was the one who moved me into the room. My stupid brain loves to relive trauma because I made the connection it was just like Ena’s death. I was no use in helping her since I shut down. Mathias checked on Aisha before dragging me out of the Bathroom where I promptly passed out. When I awoke I was in bed, Mathias was at the foot. These past traumas coming up really make doing things difficult.

Entry #91:

Khash ran into me on my way to the apartment. I’m still kinda on edge around him after the tree pinning accident but I tried to remain friendly. He told me he got suspended from harassing the teachers. Not to mention he claimed he and Aisha made up which I suppose was nice. I kinda just wanted to walk out of there, his presence is off putting. He asked if we could hang out but I said I had something to do (I didn’t) and hightailed it home.

Entry #92:

Don’t cry October isn’t for tears, it's what I keep on telling myself every year. But no matter how many years pass, I can’t bring myself to follow those words. My mom was killed on October 12th, she wasn’t buried till the following few days, and the newspaper I read. Yes, the paper, because I wasn’t informed personally, wasn’t published until 8 days after she’d been slit, with her favorite katana no less. The whole month doesn’t seem like I’m anywhere, well nowhere in reality, the present. I can’t visit the actual grave, it's too far to travel. So I picked an abandoned grave in Karakura as the spot. She would have been bones by now, so what did it matter if her body was there. She's gone, no longer habiting this earth. I got some stares from people passing through the yard, guess they see it more as a hangout then a place of grieving.

Entry #93

Guess I’ve got more family than I thought. I suppose it was either the grieving or the fact I’ve grown so detached from the meaning behind family I feel nothing when one claims to be of mine. I don’t remember any of my family, if I ever did meet them it's long gone from my memory. Dai was controlling- he didn’t let us go anywhere, especially with my mom’s family. An odd redheaded character came up and claimed to be my cousin. An interesting way to creep on someone I had thought but so be it. He wanted to go somewhere alone, I didn’t trust it but he practically latched onto me. I don’t know how he managed to convince me, maybe it was because he didn’t try to beat me when we immediately went into an alley or what he claimed that no one could know. My cousin, Rin, explained our family had been killed, and I was his last immediate family. He said something I didn’t know- well I didn’t even know he existed or my mom had a sister, but my mother and aunt were twins. He offered me after hearing what had happened to me here- well as much as I would emit to someone I wasn’t completely convinced was related to me, that we could leave together. Start a new life he had suggested. But the haunting thing he said made me think up an excuse and I left . He said he wanted to watch Dai die.

Entry #94:

I played my happy card. Not that I wasn’t genuinely happy but this repetition of reliving trauma isn’t giving much of a choice other than to act. Ray caught me sitting in the plaza and asked how I was doing. He explained he had gotten engaged. To his girlfriend I assume. I was truly happy for them- he had such a beautifully genuine smile smeared across him. After that I had no energy left so I went to visit my mom again. It doesn’t take much to break, it takes a lot to have a happy smile. Khash called me, he asked where I was, all I could say was “I’m at my mom’s.” He replied “Where.” Obviously not in the mood or able to cover it up I just said “I don’t wanna talk about it.” I guess humor, well dark, wasn’t hard to pull from my exhausted mind “Hospital?”

“It's a little too late for that”

Khash then claimed he’d gotten a broken leg and that prompted me to go check on him. Aisha was there with some guy named Johannes, who was being a little touchy for my taste with Aisha. I stayed till Khash was out of the office leg wrapped, weiling my old neinus crutches.

Entry #95:

I went for a walk and found none of them Aisha cuddled up to Johanas. I really thought she was being forced, so I stayed back to listen. I heard he apologized for kissing him? Was she the instigator? So I came up behind them, they were laying upright against a log. And picked up Johanas by the collar, whipping him around. Aisha immediately told me to set him down, I asked what Jasper would think of this to which the man replied, who is Jasper? I’d heard enough and I stumbled away.

Entry #96

Later that day, I found Jasper punching at a tree. I suppose word travels fast. He was starting to bleed so I tried to get him to stop. It was pretty deep. He blamed himself at first, I suppose in the moment Jasper needed help I just shoved it all back for those few minutes we talked. He wasn’t sure what to do and I told him he shouldn’t choose now in such a state and not choose to spare anyone's feelings. He left after that, I knew I couldn’t stop him, so I followed. I wanted to make sure he got somewhere safe. He ended up in Alvin’s apartment, the science club leader, Jasper and Aisha had been staying with him for a while now.

Entry #97:

Mathias wanted to talk. It seems we’re more alike than I originally thought. He’d explained he had had a terrible nightmare. One about his brother strangling his dad. He asked if I had ever had a dream about that, an obviously rhetorical question, but I blurted “I wonder if that's how he died. My brother did kill my dad. I wasn’t there...” After that he refused to talk to me. Must have scared him away, like everyone else.

Entry #98:

The following day I found Mathias and Rune sitting in the living room. Mathias disappeared, most likely to run an errand. Rune told me they were siblings- surely this wasn’t the man who Mathias had claimed killed his father? Rune went on a spiel about Mathias’ dating life, said he’s never gotten a date, asked me what I thought of him, interesting questions. I think I knew what he was playing at. Well, he brought up Yuna. Apparently he hadn’t the faintest clue she'd been murdered. Not an easy thing to exactly tell someone, let alone repeat- he started yelling and threw a few things around before leaving the apartment. I just kinda fell against the wall and cried- not just because of Yuna’s dead body, the way the cops had described her as being torn limb from limb literally. Rune’s actions once again made me feel like my dad was still around. How can I escape- how...

Entry #99: