Nicole Kheyfets

Professor Koning

English 115

3 September 2021

When someone goes through hardship, they often feel as if they are the only ones to experience that difficulty. One may also think that they'll never come out the other side as the victor but rather as the failure. An insider feels a sense of belonging and can fully contribute to the topics and discussions. An outsider does not feel they are welcomed or belong in a particular environment, whether due to a lack of understanding of a specific topic or a lack of bonding between team members. Many students, like myself, have f experience of feeling like both an insider and an outsider, especially when it comes to school.

When I was younger, I always felt confident in my reading abilities. I would always volunteer to read aloud to the class without struggles. I was even rewarded with a certificate for my reading abilities in kindergarten. Despite being an insider when it came to reading, I always struggled with analytical writing, especially in middle school. For whatever reason, whenever someone asked me to analyze a quote, I could never do it. Instead, I would restate the quote in my own words and always felt like an outsider because I didn't understand how to analyze correctly. I became frustrated. Why I would receive low grades on my writing assignments, I thought to myself, as my page would be filled with, "Yes, but what does this quote mean?" scribbled with red ink. My family and I decided it would be best if I received tutoring in writing to untie those knots of confusion. During those tutoring sessions, we wrote hundreds of analytical essays. We also read thousands of great examples that we analyzed and broke down sentence by sentence to extract how to analyze quotes properly.

By the time freshman year rolled around, I felt so confident in my writing that I decided to enroll in Honors English. Every essay I wrote received a high score which I was very proud of because I had practiced and worked tirelessly on my essay writing skills. Up until this moment, I had felt so much like an insider. One day, our teacher assigned us to write an analytical essay close to the end of the semester. I worked day and night, revising and correcting every tiny detail I could. I had around five different versions of my essay that I had changed until I achieved the perfect one. Even during peer reviews, my classmates would compliment me on my papers and would only have minor corrections, such as punctuation or a more robust word choice.

Once it was time to turn in the essay, I felt confident that I would receive 100%. However, when I looked at the final grade, it was around 54%. I was so bewildered and taken aback that I didn't know what to do. All that red ink and bewildering comments scribbled on the page made me feel frustrated with myself and like a complete outsider not only to the class but also as a writer. I took my essay to the teacher and asked her to explain why I did so poorly. She sat me down and scribbled all over my printed essay with her favorite red ink, different words I could have used, sentences I should delete or move around, punctuation "mistakes" that I had made, etc. When she finished, my whole essay was red. I stormed out of that classroom in utter disappointment, knowing deep down my paper was well deserving of at least an "A-." I decided, however, to fight back and took my essay to an AP English teacher that my friend had. I had asked her to read my essay and asked her what grade she would have given me. She thought my paper was well-structured and well-written. She even saw all the rough drafts I had and claimed she would have given me an A in a heartbeat. This comment made me feel as if all that time I spent writing this essay was worth it.

My teacher allowed us to rewrite our essay for a better score the next day. Powered by the other teacher's comment, along with my gut feeling that my essay was well deserving of an "A," I decided only to change one sentence in the entire paper and turn it in again. When I received the essay back, my grade skyrocketed from a mere 54% to nearly 100%. I looked at the comment at the top of the page, scribbled in green ink, which stated, "Your essay is so much better! Great job!" While I was happy I finally received the grade I did, this experience made me feel so much like an outsider from the Honors English class that I ended up taking regular English courses for the remainder of high school. I went from being an outsider to an insider, to an outsider, and finally becoming an insider again. I received so much more support in the regular English courses than in my freshman year Honors English course. I even believe taking the regular English courses strengthened me more as a writer anyways!

While reading Sheila Tobias's "Insiders and Outsiders," helped me put into perspective how some experts in a field don't realize they make newcomers feel like outsiders, such as my freshman English teacher. Unless one experiences being an outsider, one will truly never know what it feels like. Talking with my peers today about the triumphs and struggles we faced as writers, I felt relieved to know I wasn't the only one who struggled with analytical writing as we all had a similar issue with this concept. While everyone's cases were different, eventually, we all navigated towards conquering the tangled web that is analyzing quotes. It's encouraging to know that even if I feel alone in a struggle, there are possibly tons of other people going through the same struggle as me. Eventually, we will all prevail and have an empowering story to tell.