Nani Tituni Diary 05/04/2022

hello diary .. it's been a long time I didn't write to express everything that I feel and experience.

As long as I'm not writing I experience many events, circumstances, and emotions.

I will tell some events that I have experienced

1. I have now received an internship at a company engaged in services, namely training and safety services. It's a small company, but I'm glad I finally got an internship. The road to being accepted for an internship is also not easy, the day I came there to do an interview I was late because there was a problem while waiting for an online motorcycle taxi. After finishing the interview, I went home by busway, but yall must know. the road from the office to the busway stop is very far. From leaving the office to the bus stop, my emotions suddenly turned into memories with him and turned into mellow. I was crying while going to the busway stop, on that day I didn't know what was going on and why I could be like that. I feel it all again after a long time. When I arrived at the bus stop, I cried, sat on the busway and listened to the song and it got even louder, I remember really crying all the way before transiting at Monas. when from Monas direction to Pulogadung, when it is close to the Senen bus stop. I saw my mother in front of me, I was actually there crying and she seemed to realize that I was crying. The advantage of today's era is that we wear masks. So don't be too shy when you cry. From there I tried not to cry anymore, until the bus stop near my house and on the way to my house held it back. When I got home, I met my mother, uwa and sister, I was still able to hold it in even though I was already very congested, my heart ached again. After cleaning up, I, who was not getting enough sleep, went straight to the bed and immediately cried. really cry. until the eyes were swollen and the mother asked again.

2. A few days after I cried, I cried another full day. from early morning until noon, which is really really mental breakdown. I was told by my mother "crying all the time" and there I was offended because and I replied "who wants to cry all the time? Don't say that.". It's true that I was wrong to be carried away too much or carried away by the pain and crying but I couldn't control it that day, I really cried as much as I could again. really mental breakdown. but after arguing with my mother, I went straight to the bathroom to continue crying and sat in the closet with the shower water allowed to flow. After that I immediately took a shower and tried to improve myself so as not to drift away again.

3. I finally accepted an internship at a company located in Rasuna office park, I was happy but also very tired. I entered a company that was having problems, the problem was that there was corruption by one of the employees with one of the tenders or something likes that. the company lost almost 2M. that's sick, the bookkeeping of this company is really bad. Messy and dizzy. The company's taxes are also chaotic, they have never reported since 2020, which has resulted in the tax authorities conducting audits and giving sanctions to companies that are not small. Another wasting money, work and life in this company is not balanced. The workload is high, because this company only has 1 accounting, finance, and tax employee. where all the tasks are combined. In theory, such dual assignments are not recommended and are very risky. It's a tough job here, that's why the acc, finance, and tax people are looking for help with interns. BUT AGAIN, I only know about this theory, I have no experience with the world of work, I was faced with real world cases that I didn't learn about in the world of lectures and training. It's a big and valuable lesson. The user there said to me "if you can get along with XX and solidly become a Finance team. 2 months from now I will appoint you as a permanent employee, of course with a different salary from your internship. You are a graduate of Accounting and FG, actually this is a huge opportunity You can solve this case. You are great, even though this is a small company. I used to FG directly at big companies." But sir, I also have a dream to be able to work in a big company and can develop my skills and get a master's degree. That's my dream, but I'm really confused. because everything is blocked by everything. Thesis, company conditions, and idealism?. I really want to have a discussion with someone, namely you. but I can't, because we're done. same friend? I am happy and not used to discussions about my life and decisions.

4. I was really tested in 2021, yesterday my mother told me that my father would stop working because his contract expired. like a time boom, I'm really confused. Jihan will be in college next year, I don't have any grip at all. Fajar also has a habit that worries his family, namely a craving for food. The feeding period is very close, 3 hours at a time. This worries him, that's how he doesn't play outside or activities outside just play games on his cellphone. Until I suggested him to chat with you to play futsal so he could move, because the dawn of his weight was worrying. I'm afraid he won't be able to bring it down, even though he's still growing but I'm afraid.

5. tan, I really accept all of this. I'm legowo for everything tan, I'm sincere if you go out with another girl if it can make you happy and happy. I'm sincere, even though I still love you, just because you're happy is enough for me. Tan, why did you never say from the start that you didn't like going out with me? why don't you tell me, if you don't want to come back, actually tan?. do you know? I'm sick of all your words, if from the start you really don't want to continue the relationship you can tell me. I accept tan, I never force you. you know? why do i feel distant from you because you change tan, the problems that befell you make you change. but i never had a problem with it. but when I express what I feel and what I think there you say that you are ripe for the end. You have already taken a thousand steps forward. I accept that if you want to break up, I can't force you. I know you really want to end the relationship, it's okay. I accept tan, but if you still want to be in a relationship, you should be honest with your feelings and thoughts with me. What do you feel, what do you worry about, and what do you want. If it's like this, it's like hanging, did we previously have a problem, tan? did we fight before? Friday night I still met and I think it's still fine, apart from your annoying attitude when I was looking for an atm. tan, you realize that you are a bad person, you realize in your little heart you really want to give up, and you are aware of all those things. Tan, next time you're in a relationship with another woman, I hope you can take steps to discuss the problem first instead of ending the relationship. I know why, if you really want to stop. so the discussion step will not have any effect, you just are lazy to discuss the problem with me. I'm afraid the response from me is "okay" and I'm afraid to be heard by mom and dad. If you really want to be in a relationship, you must be looking for a way out for all of that. You should be able to find a nice place where we can have a long chat about everything. but in fact you didn't do that and it's already proven, plus your tweet (sorry for this, but tha'ts was a long a go. february). If you are currently close to a woman, I hope it goes well. Oh yeah, every time I talk to my friends about this problem, their response is always "yeah, that's just going to end. The reason doesn't make sense" :) and they're probably right.

6. Thesis and journals were supposed to run smoothly but were hampered by my unstable emotional state. I've tried so hard to focus but I can't, I feel like crying so much with all of this. I have a flashback to last year, when he was writing his final project, did I ever make him angry and upset? because I'm afraid of karma, I'm currently writing a thesis and it's really hard, when I think about it I always cry. everything has been unlucky since that day, the day of breaking up coincided with the selection of the supervisor. since then I always get exams, always. it's the middle of the year but I'm still being tested in this year. I hope I can survive this year.

7. I don't have any active friends. I do have problems relating to other people or my social skills are bad. Maybe you have friends who are active in chat, but I don't have one. Like sad with myself why I can be like this. Yes, it's really sad because I don't have active friends, chat only contains family and work. :") I feel sorry for myself. Actually, when I was with you, I was very grateful. Because I have someone who can always chat, exchange news, and communicate intensely.

He's gone, I don't have anyone else. I never chat with friends for a long time, the people who chat with me are always family.

Likes to be jealous of the friendship of other people who are close and still communicate with each other. I have a weakness, I don't want to be too deep in a relationship or friends. because I don't like it, I just relate to love, I still believe in the person and myself.

:(

sorry because I'm jealous of something, sorry I'm talking to him again, and sorry if I'm still like this.

I've tried to hold it all in and try to stay sane. must be healthy and sane.

stay healthy and don't forget to cry!

there is a very good word

"You may always be quicker to see my weaknesses. However, do you realize how strongly I accept your weaknesses?"