Nani Tituni Diary 03/04/2022

*trigger warning*

Unfortunately, my sexual stuff started early, it fucked with my brain. I found my parent's porn stash and I borrowed my parent's laptop (this is all hazy btw)I watched it. I don't even remember what was happening in the video. I showed my best friend at the time ( I don't remember who she was but she lived in the next duplex to us). Somehow her mom found out and I got into trouble and I left it. I think that's when I started having thoughts and feelings about boys. I became super aware of boys and what their touch means and how to get sexual attention. That's fucking gross to me because I was like 5. They are so many fucked up things that happened with cousins and I think my brother but everything is so hazy that I feel like I imagined it and if I talk to someone they don't believe me. There is this one cousin with multiple instances that I feel may not have been fake. My best friend and cousin says it must be my imagination because I said it wasn't painful. That kinda hurt because the people I want to save me don't care to further investigate so what if it didn;t hurt. I have been thinking about death lately and if I die I want everyone to know everything.

This one time in third grade my parents beat me up so much with a wooden spoon 2 actually and they both broke and they resorted to a belt and in that moment I had no fucking clue what happened for this to happen. why would they do this to me? later on, I was talking about it 2020/2021. My dad said it may have been because I was watching porn but I was literally beaten up so badly and still I am so fucking confused on what for.

I blame mom and dad for most of my addiction because 1) I would find porn on their phones and watch it.2) The iPad they gave had access to a fuck ton of porn from free Twitter( at the time Twitter was doing a no data thing and you could access it for free )and in I was in grade 5(10). I got caught then because I would watch it so much .on my way home from school, in the bathroom ( i started going to the bathroom a lot ) my dad caught me and he yelled talked about how it was for 18-year-olds but he had only seen an hours worth of what I was watching not the days, weeks probably months of content I was consuming then I stopped for a while. Back then I would mostly watch it for the tingle I would get downstairs. Grade 7 comes around and I went to a ghetto ass school and the boys would literally watch it in class. like what the fuck? I probably relapsed that year I am not sure when exactly and on what device but I pretty sure it was that year. Then came access to www. now that is still where I am trapped at. Pornhub, XVideos,fuq etc. This time it's not just for tingle. between grades 7-9 I found my clitoris. and every time I watched I would rub rub or DJ the VJ. I still do and I hate but I can't stop myself. I also watch porn excessively and masturbate when I am stressed or having emotional instability. My porn is getting worse and worse. The younger me watched people kissing or having a quickie on Twitter but now there are choking, rough sex, hardcore, categories I frequently visit and it's not only physical anymore my mind is literally the fucking sewage.

"The experiences"

I feel like a slut and I am disgusted by my actions. Why would I seek that kind of sexual attention as a 6/7-year-old

Cousin- I remember sucking something and I remember the smell. I remember my skirt was on the floor and that we had locked the door. he was way older and just hearing his name would bring fear of being found out and that's why I know it's real I don't know 1) I liked it and that's why I continued 2) if he took my virginity. One day he suddenly went distant and I felt like he was done and disgusted by me and we left it at that. I think his mom found ( may she rest in peace) and reprimanded him but she didn't tell anyone and who fucking cares about me right? and as noma said probably nothing even happened.

cousin 2 (super unknown )(don't know who it even could be ) (closer in age this time)

we were sleeping in bunks I don't know where mom was. I don't know where I was but a boy I was sleeping with started pushing his penis in between my legs and I let him.

actual cousin (another super close cousin)

touched me inappropriately and tried to stick his thing in me but his mom was sleeping next to us and it was day and again I l just let him.

possibly brother

our neighbour then used to build us a tent once in a while and we would sleep in there for most of the night before we got scared and went into the house, I think some touching but I don't anything happened and that one is really foggy so I don't think anything happened or at least I really hope so.

Best friend

we definitely did some sexual stuff. some licking and sticking in of pencils and some fingering. on like three separate occasions. I think that's why now I don't understand platonic touch. nobody can touch me now because it feels sexual and see other girls on tv sitting next to their dad and brothers and friends and she sits next to them or on top of them.

I feel like the whole porn thing affects my view on men and everything. it pushes the boundary on what's acceptable and what isn't. I want it to stop I want to be saved but how is any of that gonna happen if my now Separated parents don't give a shit about me or my siblings, especially our mental health.

THEY DON'T FUCKING CARE.

Dad has literally decided that his fucking going to beg for all of his life for mom to come back even though she cheated.

I see his messages fucking begging for mom to send him nudes to have sex with him He used to be my favourite parent who I would literally rather die than live without but now he disgusts me he is so pathetic. There is one more reason why my dad and I are close and I think I strongly started to dislike him. but it's going to be part of another entry

Everything sexual is now confusing for me and I can't go back to innocent me because was there ever an innocent version of me. I never got to be innocent. I never lived a life of pure ignorance,

This whole thing has an effect. I am fucked and that's for life.

If you are disgusted by what you have read then trust me its not more than i am disgusted by myself and i have to live with that everyday forever