My True Story
They say it's impossible to let go when you really love. But what if letting go is love?
I ask you not to judge me or anyone in this story, to convey all the subtleties of what happened in this relationship is an incredibly difficult task for me, given that I am not a writer of love novels and a man of red words.
I don't know if anyone will see my revelation, if it will be interesting to anyone, but to put all my feelings and experiences "on paper" at the moment, is vital for me. I want to resume here the history of relations with this girl and leave it in my memory, despite the fact that to remember and relive everything, for me in some places quite painful.
If you are not a connoisseur of love stories and the experiences that go along with it, please don't waste your time and scroll on. This is a true story of my life that I decided to share, it doesn't have to be liked or disliked, it just happened. This story would be enough for a whole book, but I won't bore myself or you with such a long story.
1
It all started when I was a student, I was an arrogant, stupid young guy. In pursuit of public recognition and the image of a successful man-lover, I tried to look like a cold-blooded guy who can get any girl, although inside I was always a vulnerable and sensual person. I think this is the problem of many young guys who grew up in modern society with imposed false values of "successful man".
Let's leave out all the details of my love affairs. There weren't many really, but that's what I was aiming for at the time. I was 19 when I first met her, her name was Lera. She wasn't the standard of female beauty that was accepted in society at the time, so I didn't pay attention to her right away. Besides, she was the daughter of a priest from a neighboring town and didn't allow herself flashy and provocative outfits, which at that moment my eyes fell on.
One day we met her in the stairwell of our training college, it was obvious that she liked me and as it turned out later, she had to gather a lot of courage to talk to me first. She shared that she had dreamt about me the previous night. After a humble and brief conversation, we said our goodbyes. She captivated me with her sincerity and openness, I had not seen this before among other girls. It wasn't love at first sight, she was very sweet and beautiful, but I wasn't looking for love. I was under the power of public recognition, which I regret to this day, for I caused her a lot of pain later on.
The next time we met, we exchanged phone numbers and began to communicate. She lived in our city during her studies, and sometimes we met her. For me, it was just a game, I didn't want to fall in love. In my school years, I was a naive and shy boy from a simple family. I was easy to get hurt, which was taken advantage of by peers and girls. School in my time (and not only) is a harsh place, where kids can sometimes be too cruel to those who behave differently or don't conform to their ideas of the world. And in those young years, standing up for yourself or skillfully wielding arguments is something not many people know how to do, and I was among them. It was then that I realized that most girls like "bad" boys, and this is the image I tried to adhere to the following years. Weak and shy people do not survive in this world, I realized this at school age.
I didn't get attached to her and continued my usual way of life as a bawdy guy. As time went on, we were still socializing, spending more time at joint parties. We were getting closer, though I didn't realize it, or just didn't want to notice it. She fell in love with me, but I resisted, I was afraid of being "wounded" again, I was blinded by the prospect of remaining the city's most desirable bachelor, even though I already had special feelings for her.
I continued to meet others, demonstratively showing that I am a loner, and do not want a relationship, but after each of his drunken revelry, after each binge night returned to her, and she..., she always received me with pain and longing in my heart...
I know I acted like a total asshole, that I shouldn't have done that. I can still see the tears on her sweet, dear face in my memories, and my heart is torn to pieces. If I had the chance, I would personally break my face for every tear she shed because of me. But unfortunately, I can't bring back the past.
Who knows how long it would have lasted and how much her strength and love for me would have lasted. But one person who intruded into our relationship I have to be grateful to. There was a man in our mutual company whom I had considered a friend for a long time. We had known each other for a long time, often spent time together, parties together, meeting new girls, drinking, everything as "real" friends from the common company are supposed to have. As it turned out later, after I introduced him to Lera, he was secretly in love with her. They were friends, socialized, and in my absence he shared with her where I was and who I was spending time with, which hurt her even more. Telling her how bad I was and that I didn't deserve her, comforting her when she felt so bad about my reckless antics. Of course it brought them together against the scoundrel in me. I found all this out later. We didn't have a serious relationship with her, but everyone in our collective knew perfectly well that she was my girlfriend. I was a scumbag, no argument, but I wasn't blind. At parties together, I started catching their passing glances at each other. Until the end I wasn't sure what was going on and denied it, after all this is my girlfriend and this is my friend.
It was becoming more and more obvious that they were attracted to each other. It is hard to describe what I felt at that moment: jealousy, hurt ego, humiliation or all of these together, but everything was burning inside me. At one of the next parties we went out with him to talk on the street, the dialog did not work out, after inarticulate explanations, losing my sanity I threw myself at him. He did not resist my impulse, I quickly calmed down, but my anger had no limit. Further verbal altercation, his words that they love each other and want to be together .... I was shocked by that statement, disarmed. All I remember is that at night I was walking down a dark street alone and howling to the heavens, smashing my fists against everything that met on my way, realizing that that man, indifferent and cold-blooded, behind whom I was hiding all this time had vanished into oblivion. Broken and betrayed, I walked towards home....
I was well aware that I had brought her to this point, that I had pushed her away and kept her away, that I had deliberately hurt her, and that I had demonstrated my indifference in public. How many nasty and stupid things I did, how many tears, how much pain I caused her, I am ashamed and bitter to remember everything. Then why did she put up with it for so long, you may reasonably ask, why did she let me behave like that?! I asked her this question myself after a while, to which I received the answer: "I knew that you are not really what you want to appear to everyone, I saw and knew what you are. When we were alone together, you were real. I felt that, in fact, you also have feelings for me, but hiding them somewhere in the depths." But as soon as we went out in public, I put on the mask of a callous and indifferent person again. At some point, she just started to lose hope. All the trials I was throwing at her, one after another, had shaken her faith in our relationship.
I didn't know it, but after I left, when she found out what had happened between me and our mutual "friend", that he had said unnecessary things to me, about their relationship and feelings for each other that they had supposedly developed during that time, she rushed in tears to catch up with me, to explain herself, to tell me that everything was wrong, but I was already far away. The days that followed I didn't get in touch, I was too angry. I spent about two weeks at home. I didn't want to even think about any parties or drinking, I shut myself in overthinking everything that had happened and was happening in my life. I was angry and broken, at her, at him, at myself, but was in no position to blame anyone but myself for that situation. And like I said before, I should be grateful for that situation, and that person who invaded that relationship. At that moment, I realized how dear this girl was to me, and that I don't need anyone more than her. I'm not ready to lose her because of some fucking stereotypes and opinions of others, enough.
To this day, I still marvel at some of life's accidents. Fate, providence or God himself throws them at us, with good or instructive intentions, who knows. But by the time I made the decision to go out to my yard to find the strength to send my Ego to hell and call her to talk, I saw a cab pulling up to the house and she got out. With sad and guilty eyes, she walked leisurely in my direction. She wouldn't have had the courage to come to me herself, she admitted to me later, but she drove with the hope of a chance meeting, which she did. We stood on the street for a long time; it was a long conversation, a frank one, and I was glad it had taken place.
The next few months were the most pleasant and happy in our relationship during that period. I had only her, I loved her purely and sincerely, and she loved me. All the nights with past girlfriends were not worth a minute spent with her. It was real, we didn't need anyone or anything. We could stay in the apartment for days on end, fooling around, having fun, enjoying the little things we had. That's how it is, real, youthful, carefree love. It may seem silly and funny, but we even had a kind of mascot of our relationship, it was penguins. In one of the documentaries, we learned that penguins, one of the few animals that make relationships once and for life. Couldn't that have touched young hearts in love?! It was a wonderful time, with a pleasant sadness on my heart, the memories rush through my mind. And here I would very much like to finish my story with a Happy End, to say that they lived together happily ever after, but this is life, and in it such an ending is unfortunately not as often as we would like. These two hearts have much more serious trials ahead of them.
2
In 2013, I received a summons to the army, I never hid from it and did not intentionally seek to go there, but I believed (at that time) that the army makes real men out of guys, I believed that I had to pass this test, since the circumstances were such. I never looked for easy ways, and sometimes even complicated them intentionally. Going to the army I did not want to waste this time, getting into some troops on snow removal or daily wiping the floor in the barracks, I was eager to test, I wanted to harden my spirit and body, then I did not even imagine what it would all end in the end. At the distribution commission they wanted to leave me in my hometown, I knew what our soldiers were doing there, so I insisted that I wanted to serve in normal troops. After asking if I really wanted to, the commander sent me to Kiev, the capital, 1000 kilometers away from my hometown.
It was an incredibly painful parting. Before I left, it was as if she sensed that I didn't need to leave, tearfully asking me to stay. I felt her heart shrinking from excitement and hopelessness, but my pride and stubbornness… I was determined, and it was too late. I was leaving, but it felt like they were taking her away from me. It's hard to convey all the emotions that were rushing through me. "It's only 1 year" I kept telling myself and her, but from the amount of emotions and tension hanging in the air, it seemed like it was goodbye forever. When I was being seen off, I saw no one around me, not my parents, not the other people seeing me off, I saw only her eyes, which by an effort of all her will were holding back all the flow of her bitter tears through the window of the car carrying me away. Later, my parents told me that when I left, they got into the car together to drive home. At that moment, Lera could no longer hold back the tears that came out of her eyes in a flood that even God himself could not stop.
The first months of separation were the most difficult (as it seemed to us), phones were taken away from everyone and given out once a week for an hour or two. During the whole week in the safe where they were kept, they naturally discharged, and for a company of 100 people in the barracks, the number of outlets was enough to count on the fingers of one hand. Rough, but it's really true. There was almost no time left for phone conversations, often I had time to call only Lera, forgetting about my parents. It was a very difficult time. For some reason, Lera was very emotional during this period. Feeling how hard it was for her, I was worried too.
So the first 3 months passed, then I was taken to a training center even farther away from my native land, where I spent the next 3 months. During all 6 months of service, nobody visited me except her. Despite the distance, a 19-year-old girl, the love of my life, went across the country, 1.5 thousand kilometers away just to visit and see me for 2 days. Let me remind you that her parents were temple ministers and generally did not encourage our relationship, but she managed to come despite all the prohibitions. It may seem like nothing to some, but it meant a lot to me, as did every letter she wrote to me, which I've reread over and over again. I never wrote poems, but the ones I did write were written with her, and for her.
After the training center, I return to the capital, halfway through my stay here is behind me, but it seems like an eternity has passed. During all this time, I never doubted for a second that she was waiting for me. Thanks to her, and with her in mind, I woke up every morning, imagining how I would return, how I would be able to hold her in my arms again.
Ukraine, Kiev, November 2013, the seventh month of my service, which was fateful and irrevocable for everyone. Revolution and mass unrest begin in the capital, the effects of which continue to this day. Our units of conscripts were often sent to resist the rioting people. I will not take any side here about the events that took place then, this story is not about that, although I have a lot to tell. A lot of innocent people on both sides suffered and died in those events, my life was also at risk, as well as many other conscripts who happened to be there by chance. One of my coworkers died, a very young guy, who was only 18 years old, just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And he may not even have known what true love is in his life. I was luckier, though I didn't meet mine until I was 19.
I can't tell you what those times were like for Lera, knowing that I was there and directly involved in all of this... A few nervous breakdowns, mental breakdown and depression are just a few of the things I learned afterwards. It was more than she could handle at the time. And I was far away the whole time and could do absolutely nothing about it, torn apart by my powerlessness.
This went on for several months, and I had the opportunity to see with my own eyes what I had only seen before on emergency news channels. As time passed, and I looked back on everything that had happened, I came to one conclusion: Whatever your views and good intentions may be, solving disputes with fire and sword is a losing solution for all participants; there are no winners in such confrontations, only losers, and those whose hands planned and organized it all.
As we know, the events in Kiev were just a cheap and easy seed for what awaits Ukraine and the whole world in the future. I categorically did not want to touch on politics and those events that to this day take thousands of innocent lives, but anyway it is part of the story I wanted to tell you, so please excuse me, I will touch only on the main thing, maybe someday I will tell more.
February 2014, everything is calming down little by little, everyone is trying to return to the usual, quiet life after the capital shock. After a short lull in April, when 2 months are left before returning home, and meeting with my dear and so desired girl is only a few days away, under the pretext of still unknown to me understandable reasons, a military conflict begins in the edges of my home...
I hope that no one in our world will ever have to experience the feelings and experiences that I have experienced from head to toe. A full-scale war was breaking out, my home, where my relatives, my loved ones, my love, for which I was ready to give my life, were being destroyed. I refused to believe in what was happening, it seemed that it was all someone's evil joke, it could not happen in reality, it was a terrible dream, in which all my movements were constrained, and my voice refused to utter any sound.
In the 21st century, when people's awareness and experience of past wartime events should be enough to find hundreds of ways and reasons to solve absolutely any issue in a diplomatic, human way, we are still grasping for weapons. No, humanity in its majority or overwhelming minority, unfortunately, is still not ready to call itself reasonable, since we are ready to grab each other like animals at each other's throats, just because someone has different views on this life, or worse, because someone said that someone else has different views on life. Absurd.
After the official recognition of the conflict at the state level and the declaration of a state of emergency, they announced that they were cancelling demobilization and extending our conscription from one year to two years. My hands were completely down. Everything that was so dear to me was slipping through my fingers, and I had no influence on it, I was powerless and could do nothing.
Another two and a bit months passed, I was humbly fulfilling my conscription duties, the conflict was gaining more and more strength, the destruction was getting bigger, the number of victims was growing, people had to hide in basements, conscript soldiers started to be involved in the fighting, some of ours were taken away. For all my requests and Lera's entreaties to leave the country, I only heard that she would not go anywhere alone until she was sure that I was safe. I was in a state of confusion again, because I had no influence on what was happening.
After much deliberation and sleepless nights, I am making a difficult decision for myself. It will be a revelation on my part, which I have told few people about, even those with whom I am already well acquainted, because the decision has a contradictory nature, and I see no point in arguing and explaining myself. I make a decision to leave the service, regardless of the possible consequences. It was a deliberate act, on which I have thought for a long time. In addition to my responsibility to the law enforcement agencies, I felt a great responsibility and regret to the guys who during the service became my friends, those whom I could call brothers. It was not easy, because with many of them we had traveled a hard and thorny path. Leaving them there seemed a betrayal on my part, but I made my decision and was ready for all possible consequences.
I was not going to meekly remain a soulless tool in other people's hands to do all the dirty work. I refuse to mindlessly follow someone else's decrees and provocations. I refuse to participate in the lawlessness that the parasites (whoever they may be) have organized to pit people against each other.
I have my own head to make my own decisions. There is reason, which is enough to realize that the conflict benefits someone, and all the participants are just puppets in their hands. There is conscience and moral values that are convinced that murder is an extreme degree of insanity that is not necessary. And there is the fortitude to go against all this madness.
No matter how shouty and patriotic the billboards and television channels may be, no matter how good their intentions may seem, try to keep your Mind cold and preserve your Humanity...
Don't write very often at all, but recently got inspired, and I think these lines would be appropriate here.
p.s. Transcribed from the original
No matter who you are or where you come from
No matter what language you use
What color your skin is
What your righteous motive is
Enough of silly bickering and swearing.
Shouting slogans and arguments
Debates about politics and "the truth"
Which everyone has their own
It doesn't matter who's stronger or who's right
No matter how much money you have
Of what political system
How strong your faith and religion is
We're all one in this world
We are all kin, if you take it apart.
Every evil, every injustice in our world
Is done by the hands and minds of many of us.
Though guided by others,
But all responsibility is ours
"They" are not responsible for our sins.
"They" only guided us.
Don't say it's someone else's fault
Don't say it wasn't your will
A blooming World is not built on blood
A blooming World can only be built by Love!
GB
So. We agreed with Lera that she would leave as soon as possible, and I would come later, as soon as I was ready. After a month of preparation and having thoroughly thought everything over, I left the unit. Even before the unit realized I was missing, I was already out of their reach. I will not tell you about the details of how it happened and what were the consequences afterwards, for the story is already dragging on. I will only say that after my departure, I learned that several guys from my unit did the same thing. Unfortunately, I do not know their fate.
And here I was, with one backpack on my back, no communication, little money, in another country, grabbing a pathetic bunch of flowers at the nearest place, going to meet my beloved. Along with the excitement and euphoria with which I was rushing to her with all my legs, I was anticipating this long-awaited meeting. There are not enough words and gestures to describe it. Just try to imagine the feelings, tears and emotions that accompanied us in this meeting. Our hearts, reunited, exhausted, tormented by time and everything that had happened together again. I couldn't let her out of my arms, I was afraid to open my eyes and be back in my military unit, I couldn't stop breathing in her scent that I hadn't smelled in so long. I clutched her so tightly in my arms, and she snuggled against me. I wanted to stop this moment forever.
3
It was a few weeks after our long-awaited meeting, and we were still clinging to each other. Lera had already taken a job at a hotel, and it didn't pay much, but it was something. After wandering around this small town I realized that here my chances of finding a decent job were close to zero. Without going into details and without torturing you with details, I will only say that I went to the nearest big city for work alone, leaving her there alone, and this was my next fatal mistake...
In my blind desire to give her more than love, to give her a better life, I failed to see the obvious, what she really needed at that moment, to be near her. After such a long separation, I left her alone again, when she needed me... I didn't realize it then.
It was a weighty drop on the scale. The next couple of months, which we were at a distance were not the best, often quarreled over nothing, a lot of misunderstandings and disagreements. The relationship was crumbling before our eyes. Having collected a sufficient amount of money and rented a decent apartment I came to pick her up, but she did not want to go. I came several times, with flowers and persuasion, asked to go with me, but did not leave this fucking work, did not stay with her. I didn't realize with my stupid head at the time that she didn't see her importance in my life. She wanted to feel (though not consciously) that she was still precious and important to me. She screamed it with her whole demeanor, but I was deaf and blind.
One day she said that she was going home to her parents. All my persuasions and requests were unanswered. I never heard the true reasons why she wanted to do this, and she didn't know them herself. At the end, she said only that she didn't love me anymore and wanted to go home. Now, years later, I realize that it was a very real "childish" resentment, which grew into something uncontrollable and beyond her control, even her. I broke an already fragile heart. After all that she had to endure, endure, overcome in herself and in me, I left her alone when she needed me so much.
I didn't realize it at the time. I was sure that I was doing everything for her and our better life, sparing no effort, and I was. But what she did ruined everything I was working toward, because without her, it didn't make any sense. I realized that I had lost her, but I didn't know where I had gone wrong, because I had given everything I had for our future together.
I shut myself away again. I know that men don't cry, but at that moment it was unrealistically lousy, I couldn't come to my senses for a few days, eventually the despair turned into anger, blind and cruel, I couldn't forgive, I wanted her to regret it, I wanted to prove that she had made a mistake. What a fool... I succumbed to my animal instincts again and threw myself into the whole thing again. I cut her out of my life, worked hard, made good money, started to lead a promiscuous life again. Parties, bars, girls, I wanted to close that hole in my heart with alcohol and other women and I succeeded. But I still thought about her and I couldn't forgive her, I wanted to hurt her. What an asshole I am, I'll admit it.
It was several months, maybe a year of complete silence, before I wrote to her. I told her I was on my way home and would like to see her when I had the chance. I was ready for that meeting. In fact, this whole trip was planned just for her. I was successful, good looking and confident.
We met, she felt a certain guilt and wanted to talk about it, but instead of the warm heart-to-heart talk she had hoped for, she got a resentful and pompous boy who tried to hurt her in every possible way. I was rude and indifferent, told fascinating stories from life that happened in her absence, recited haughty poems in every possible way trying to show my superiority and how I had succeeded during this time ...
She understood everything perfectly and humbly accepted all the blow I was preparing for her. She was calm, but I could see that everything I was doing was hurting her. She didn't fight back. After I was done, she never got the courage to speak up and explain herself for what had happened, what she had been feeling and experiencing the whole time. There was too much anger and resentment in my eyes toward her. I left, satisfied with myself, but humiliated, without realizing it, by my callous and stupid actions, for which I am still incredibly ashamed in front of her and myself.
Since then, we have had virtually no contact or correspondence with her except for dry birthday greetings every two years and a few short correspondences that will not make it into this story so as not to lengthen it.
4
I hardly followed her life on the net, at least I tried not to. I grew up, I no longer held any grudges or anger towards her, on the contrary, I became grateful for all those wonderful feelings and memories associated with her. We were close at that moment, and we cherished each other - that's the main thing, it's stupid to hold a grudge for what happened. It's not worth all the light and sincere things we had between us. We need to let go and move on.
Enough time passed, emotions and feelings subsided, a new life began. One day while scrolling through social media I saw that she had a husband. There were pictures of her in her wedding dress, and even though for a moment I felt some sadness and my heart squeezed, I was still genuinely happy for her. She had met someone she could trust, she was doing well, she was happy, it was important for me to know that. I didn't dare to ask her about it, though.
At that time I was also in a relationship, a few months later I also got married, and it seems that I again recognized that bright feeling of love. However, in the depths of my soul I caught myself thinking that it is probably true what the poets say: "We love only once in life, and then we look for others like them" Or perhaps it's all a shell of callousness that we build up as we age trying to prevent such wounds to our souls, who knows?!
Later I found out that she had a daughter, an adorable little girl with blonde hair. After 4 years I have a son, a nice guy, also blond, I am insanely proud of him and happy to have him in my life. It would be quite appropriate to put a point here with the words "and they all lived happily ever after", but in that case I would be lying.
After 6 years together, I am separating from my spouse. Humanly, without arguments or tantrums, but we are separating. It happened. I am madly grateful to her for everything we had, for my son, for her warmth and kindness, she is a wonderful girl and mother, I am proud of her. We communicate well, we call each other, we have a lot to talk about. As strange as it may seem, but it's true, we are still on good terms. You have to be able to break up and let go if there's a coldness in your heart. For this, too, there must be a certain strength to take responsibility for such a decision, despite the opinions and pressure of others, to be able to explain yourself, to allow yourself and that person to live the way he wants to live, to follow your own path, without infringing and not sacrificing the goals and desires of each other, if your views diverge. At the same time, it is worth a lot to understand this decision, to find a response to your actions in the heart of this person and to stay in a good relationship.
Looking back, it seems that all these 6 years, I was not exactly living my life, either because of my character, or feeling some guilt of the past, I was trying to make this girl happy by giving up my inner aspirations, as if I was going the wrong way. Don't get me wrong, a lot of great things have happened in these 6 years, she also tried hard in this relationship and sacrificed a lot for me, maybe even more than I did, but at the moment when we were moving in one direction or another towards her or my goals, one of us was unhappy because we were striving and needing the other. This was not to last forever, and we made the decision to separate.
I started to put myself back together piece by piece, I needed to understand who I was and what I wanted in this life. I decided to leave a fairly prestigious job with a promising career as a bank employee and move away. For several months I wandered around different cities and countries in search of myself and my activity. I thought a lot about life, I saw love and compassion, injustice and evil, I wondered why everything is like this, and it seems that I have discovered a great secret, which I will tell you about perhaps in another story, but I never found myself....
5
One evening while browsing social networks I came across Lera again, she was in the photo with her lovely baby girl, the cutest photo. I rarely left reactions under the photo, but now I could not pass by and reacted. Almost at the same moment I got a message, "Hi. How are you?"...
Don't rush into any illusions. It's been 8+ years, she has a family, a child, I let her go a long time ago and she let me go a long time ago. We've both been living a new life for a long time, but I was wondering how she was doing. That evening we talked for quite a while. She told me how she lived all this time, I told her about myself, the topic of personal life was avoided. I learned that she left the city and started doing what she likes so much. She designs and sews great things herself for her small online store, which she managed to create at a time when no one believed in her and this idea. It was nice to feel the fire and energy in her voice as she shared her story in this endeavor. It is truly an inspiring story. Behind this seemingly ordinary online store lies a lot of hard work, her heart full of kindness and love, which still strives, sometimes to its own detriment, to bring peace and goodness to those around her.... It was a nice friendly conversation, nothing more, which was repeated the next day.
We were so engrossed that we talked until late at night for several days in a row. We remembered a lot of things, mutual friends, acquaintances, funny stories from life, laughed a lot. One day we had a rather frank conversation. We opened up to each other, touched on something that had tormented us both for many years. I apologized for my idiotic actions in the past, she apologized for hers. I'm glad we had that conversation. It seemed that the heavy stone that had been weighing on my soul for so long had finally fallen from my shoulders.
Very cautiously and awkwardly, the conversation touched on personal life, which was avoided until the last. I shared that I had separated from my wife after 6 years of marriage. She shared that she has not been living with her husband for several months, that they have long had difficulties in their relationship, and that they are close to divorce. She also shared that she got married after knowing him for three months, mostly because of her parents' initiative. He is older than her and never took her and her life seriously... Make no mistake about your conclusions, I was not happy to hear that. The realization that all this time she wasn't happy was sad information for me, I had imagined her life differently...
Do you believe in coincidence? Some events that happen in life make you question this, and sometimes even believe in something magical. In one of our conversations, Lera admitted that on the eve of my reaction to her photo in social networks, I appeared in her dreams for several days in a row. She didn't understand what was going on, because we hadn't communicated in a long time and hadn't crossed paths in each other's lives in any way. After the third night in a row when I was in her dreams, a reaction comes from me online, at this point she got really worried, but decided to write.
I have repeatedly thought about how likely it must be that we, after not communicating for more than 8 years, starting a new relationship and forgetting the past, will reappear in each other's lives, and at the very moment when I am only 2 months out of my 6-year relationship with another girl, and hers will finally fall apart any day now?! And then there are these dreams!
We didn't make a big deal of it, we laughed and joked about it, but it was obvious that we were both seriously considering it. I wasn't planning on getting closer, I was happy with the way my life was going, and in fact, I was afraid to let her back into my heart. It's been so many years, we're not the same anymore. Who knows, maybe it's all a coincidence of crazy circumstances, and we both being in a difficult life situation, getting that very comfort and support in a difficult moment, intoxicated by the memories of our common past, became prisoners of illusory feelings, which are not really there! But our communication became more and more frequent and closer. At some point, I realized that I was already waiting for messages and thinking about her more and more often.
I refuse to believe what is happening, I have mixed feelings inside, I am completely confused. We are like children again, talking about feelings, how we miss each other, writing romantic letters, sending each other cute pictures and dreaming about how we will meet again. It's been like this for about 2 months. At one point I can't stand it, I spit on the consequences, I abandon all my plans and go to her, like the last romantic I'm going to hell knows where from, just to see and hug her. It's crazy.
14 hours later, I'm in her town. She doesn't know I'm here, it's about 9:00 in the morning. I move along the embankment with one backpack, getting closer and closer to her house, my heart beating faster and faster. I knew she liked to go to the embankment in the morning, to be alone, but I didn't know if she would be there today, if I would be able to meet her. As I got closer, somewhere in the distance, I recognized her. She was sitting alone on the promenade by the sea, listening to music on her headphones. I came closer and closer, and I didn't know what to say, I don't remember what I said when I got there. I only remember her slight smile when she recognized me. She didn't seem surprised, but I could feel the trepidation in her soul. We hugged modestly and sat next to each other. There were no passionate kisses, hot embraces, we sat quietly by the sea and were silent for a while, not believing in what was happening. We hadn't seen each other for 8 years! And now I am here, and next to me sits she, the one I loved so much, and it seems that I have not stopped loving all this time. I was afraid to touch her, I felt the awkwardness of it all. I could feel how embarrassed she was. I took her hand and hugged her, we sat like that for a while looking at each other and the sea...
I spent 5 days in this city. Without going into details, I will only say that it was the best 5 days in recent times, which made us even closer. We gave each other tenderness, affection, warmth, love. It had been so long since I had smelled her scent that I couldn't inhale it. Her eyes, her lips and every inch of her face kept me awake. A smile appeared on my face every time she caught my eye. Every moment I spent with her, I admired and couldn't look away. I couldn't believe she was here, that our paths had crossed again and she was part of my life again. Doing some household chores, walking in front of me in the kitchen, making dinner. Such trivial things, but it did not fit in my head, caused a storm of mixed emotions, from not understanding how it can all happen in reality! Every time I hugged her as if it was the last. Silly, but the feeling never left me...
After 5 days I left for another city, circumstances demanded it, but now I was near, all that separated us was a 3-hour drive. We often called, texted, missed each other, and it seemed that now the whole world was within our reach. I came every chance I could, we went for long walks, spent time together. One day she took me to the lighthouse. It was windy and cool, and it was a long walk. She said she wasn't cold, but I could feel her hands getting cold. I insisted on going back, but she kept saying she wanted to take me there and walked confidently with burning eyes, holding my hand tightly. It was just the two of us there, just us, the lighthouse and the sea. Despite the weather, I was ready to spend all day and all night there with her, clutching her in my arms. It may sound corny, but the feelings I felt, and which I'm sure she felt... you can't put them into words, you can only live them.
The happy ending to this story seemed so close. Two wounded hearts are together again, looking into each other's eyes with a feeling of unconditional love, holding hands, full of strength and intention to be together. Yes, there will be new trials and difficulties ahead of them, but it's all such a small thing, because they are together again.
6
Continuation in progress...
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