Dear Valued Customer:
We have updated our privacy policy to make it easier to understand and be more honest.
We don't expect you to read it, but you can. Not that it makes any difference.
You have to accept this policy in order to use our products. Since everyone uses our products to conduct business, you really don't have a choice.
But if you don't like it, you can stop using our products, and all your data will be lost to you. We, on the other hand, will make good use of it to the maximum extent allowed by the law.
By using our products, you agree to having every shred of personal data about you collected. We have designed our products to make it mandatory for you to disclose intimate personal information in order for the products to function.
For your convenience, we do provide you with a multi-layered, complex page where you can adjust and customize your privacy and notification settings using over one hundred switches. However, the information that is most valuable to us, you cannot refuse to share. Research has shown that the appearance of control increases customer retention and protects us from legal action, so there you go.
You can unsubscribe from notifications and emails at any time, but understand that we will drag out the process to make sure that we can flood you with marketing communications that will annoy you, since psychological research shows that your subconscious will be imprinted with brand awareness that will influence future purchase decisions in our favor. So, live with it.
Because there is money to be made, we aggregate, accumulate, cross-reference, and use AI to generate comprehensive profiles of you that we share with third parties with which we have a business relationship. This includes marketing firms that in turn have relationships with third parties…you get the idea.
Be aware that our software tools, including AI, may infer inaccurate details about you, and we take no responsibility for disseminating fabricated profile information on the internet, even if it can harm you. It is your responsibility to assure the accuracy of your publicly available information. If you discover any errors that you can prove originated with us, you can notify us in writing with a notarized letter sent by certified mail to an address that is no longer in existence.
It is cheaper for us to deal with a data breach than to protect your sensitive information. As such, expect that any of your most intimate moments that are not yet available for sale, will be in the foreseeable future. We promise that we will notify you no later than a year after any data breach has been discovered, provide you with useless monitoring services for free, and apologize with a form letter known to be appeasing, so that you continue to be our customer.
In the meantime, if you visit our website, and you are not yet a registered customer, we will bully you into becoming one by creating an informative website that will interrupt your reading with demands to register, pleas to turn off your ad blocker, notifications to turn on location sharing, requests to leave a review, and asks to subscribe. If you do share your email, we will reduce the number of annoyances, let you actually see the content, and also immediately subscribe you to at least three daily communications. Of course, we will also start to assemble a saleable profile in return for your gullibility. See previous paragraphs.
We hope this clarifies our intentions. If you have any questions, feel free to navigate our content-free help site, our faq of generic answers, or chat with our incompetent AI bot. Note that the listed phone number has been disconnected, and in case you sleuth out our legally required and published business contact information, you will not be able to talk to a person that can actually help you.
Best regards, and enjoy our products!
Signed: CEO name of approval
Copyright 2024, Aleks Haecky - Permission to share unaltered and non-commercially with this notice and my byline included.