The question of the year: what environment can help me flourish? What people are there? 

At the beginning of the month was having a job in the Netherlands, mostly phisical - walking, handlings boxes up to 15 kg. Going to work by bike, getting the minimal wage, which fits the amount of free time left besides work anyway. 

After just a month and a half at the job I started to feel out of my place - most people there repeating the same mantra - I DONT WANT TO BE HERE - continuing to work and complain. Generally - a lot of complaining. 

I left home primarily to get out of my bubble, meet people, get inspired - instead - at this job I felt dead, answering at the question "how are you?" with "normal". My last drop in motivation was when I thought - this is not the right place for my purpose, so - when called by the supervisors I was hoping to get fired. Eventually I got fired. 

These kind of jobs - easiest path, cause I know it, been there. 

Want something different - which I never had, and therefore seems impossible to achieve. Especially when I dont know how my desired reality looks like. 

After coming home, rested a bit - got bored. I have no people here with whom I want to interact. I want more than interactions - I want actions, but, without a clear inner direction - seems like any action doesnt have sense.

To find my place in the world I decided to go on a road trip to Turkey. Having a limited budget and unlimited time - I take the car, tent and no plan.

At the same time - it gives me mixed feelings, as if wanting to quit the idea before start. As if it all has no meaning, no sense to try to find anything, anyone - simply stay and die alone. No sense to try - because I wont find what I am searching for.

As if my mind wants to keep me in the known, comfortable place - getting no challenges - besides mental turmoil of staying.

From all the areas of life, I want to give up trying on the romantic relationships - till now I have been through some relationships which showed me some truths I did not want to accept:  I can not trust even the person sleeping besides me in the bed. The closest, dear people bring the most pain. They may lie, to get what they want making me question my trust. From my part - if at the beginning it feels good and can`t hold myself to stay away from someone - I will get irritated by the same person soon after I am satiated by what I needed from them. I use others, as well as they use me. Sad, but true.

I want to believe that besides this truth, there are others, specifically that- I can enjoy myself and the other in a long term perspective, I can be honest and vulnerable and the other can be honest with me as well.

Didnt work much according to my age, always quitting jobs quiet early. Always felt like I hate my life when at most jobs and thought that if I dont work - it should feel better - right? Turned out NOT AT ALL. Strange even. 

I feel frustrated that I am so clueless at my age. At the age when others from my school or college are married, divorced, with kids, years of proffessional experience, valuable property - and I am alone, without a job, and even avoiding a traditional job.... 

I do want to work, dont get me wrong - but I want it to be dynamic, social, bringing ideas to life, creating something that has meaning for me. 

I started with menstrual pads and photography - always quitting when something goes wrong and I get dissapointed, after a break coming back. After many repeats like this I got the idea that doing something on my own is not gonna work - I stop trying too early, progress is too slow. I dont believe enough in myself. So - I need other people, I am not enough.