Men grow beards to prove they have balls

It won’t have passed you by that over the last few years beards have become very popular. Now we know that bears have been on the gay scene for eons but suddenly about three years ago straight men started growing facial hair. Initially I just thought that it was a fad made fashionable by George Clooney or Ben Affleck or someone else as equally famous and hirsute. But then it dawned on me that perhaps men were growing beards for other reasons.

We now live in a world where women are expressing themselves more forcefully. It isn’t that surprising that three of the four leaders of the UK are women. Theresa May, Nicola Sturgeon and Arlene Foster are all very strong women. Let us not also forget the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel - now there is a lady that I would not like to get into a boxing ring with.

So my theory is simple, straight men started growing beards to demonstrate to women that they were indeed men. I have a beard therefore I have balls, so there! Are men so threatened by women that they feel they need to demonstrate their masculinity via the medium of a beard? I think it is a fascinating concept that in order to prove themselves they feel that facial hair will make all the difference. I just think that they should grow a pair and get on with life.

I was walking through Brighton just the other day and I saw a guy wearing a t-shirt with the following printed on it: If your boyfriend doesn’t have a beard, you have a girlfriend. It made me chuckle but it also proved my point. This guy, donning a beard that ZZ Top would be proud of, obviously has a sense of humour but I felt that he was the butt of his own joke. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind beards, I even grew one several years ago, but I have to say I am getting very bored of almost every man I see wearing a beard.

So I’ve decided to take action and develop a repertoire of one-liners so that I can ridicule these men and hopefully embarrass them into shaving the bloody things off. Here are a few of them for all of you out there who are as fed up as me:

Not everyone can be bearded. Someone has to stand on the side and clap as men with beards go by.

• Anyone who says your beard makes you look homeless is not the kind of person you want in your home or cardboard box anyway
• I totally understand. A beard would not complement the feminine look you are going for. Keep shaving.
• A decent beard has long been the number one must-have fashion item for any fugitive from justice.

So there you have it, now I must get back to shining my balls, my Christmas balls that is. Have a very hairy Christmas.

President chump, sorry I meant trump

What would the world be like with Donald Trump as President of America? I know that it sends a shudder down my spine and back up again every time the concept pops into my head. A colleague of mine said the other day that “within six months it would be like the world of Mad Max, but with Donald Trump as Mad Max or perhaps as Tina Turner”. The notion of Trump wearing a leather body-hugging suit, high stilettos and standing in the thunderdrome shouting “two men enter, one man leaves” made me laugh out loud. But then a few seconds later I was thinking to myself, shit that might not be too far from the truth.

I can't stop thinking of the four horses of the apocalypse, death, famine war and conquest. Trump is all four rolled into one globulous ugly mess, with a squirrel tail for hair. Recently he came out with the statement that he would deport 'criminal illegal immigrants... within one hour of swearing-in’. How exactly does he possibly think that he could even begin to set that in motion? How many people would he need to assist him in rounding up the estimated 11 million illegal immigrants that live in the USA?

And, he is still going on about getting the Mexican Government to pay for an "impenetrable and beautiful" wall between the two countries, and I quote - “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.” This is also the man who said that the Mexicans were only sending people with problems to the USA; drug users and rapists. What is wrong with this man?

He was also once quoted to have said "My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure; it's not your fault." Don’t worry Donald; I don’t think anybody is feeling insecure. Another confusing quote of his was “I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.” What does that even mean? That he has gay friends or that he is a traditionalist and therefore he doesn’t approve? Whatever he meant I worry that if elected his next aim would probably be to deport the gays too.

I have often thought that perhaps he secretly wants Hillary Clinton to be the next President and that is why he comes out with these truly insane statements. If this is the case, he has sadly and mistakenly expected a lot more intelligence from his fellow Americans. It is terrifying to think that a man filled with so much hate has so many supporters. I understand that a lot of people cannot stand the idea of Hillary Clinton becoming President, but please… Donald Trump?

Brexit, or fecks-it!

I am so unhappy right now, so may I provide the Diversity Pride World, who wants to believe in a United world, with some unhappy and disappointing views from an Irish homosexual living in a newly elected UKIP world? Well we recently chose to Fecks-it! Now what do we do? The hatred of immigrants could very quickly widen to a hatred of homosexuals. It has happened before.

Let's start with who voted out. To quote a very good friend of mine, who are these f***ing people? Why would any intelligent human being choose to separate themselves from the rest of the world? Are you arrogant or stupid? I fear the latter is true and that these people will live to regret it. Even Boris doesn't have the cojones to live and stand by his decision. The only good thing that has emerged from this catastrophic vote is that we will never have a Prime Minister called Johnson. I can only hope that he will now vanish into the world of obscurity, write another pointless book about Churchill and fall asleep somewhere and be an end note in the news at some point.

On another similar but different point, very soon it won't just be the immigrants coming over here taking all our jobs, a lot of the enemies will be within. Then what will small minded England do? The attack will be neighbour on neighbour. You can't always blame the man or woman who looks a bit different, or can you? They will start with the obvious but very soon they will turn on you or me.

“Should I, an Irish man, who shouldn't be here, be worried? Perhaps not, but looking and sounding a little bit like an ‘Englishman’ and not being straight, could soon be a factor. Being gay might not be ‘English’ enough for the people who voted out. Perhaps we should all worry a little. We won the last war and who came second? Yes the Germans, but at least they have the sense to know what is best for humanity. Division and separation can never be a good thing. The people who voted out never lived in a divided Ireland like I did, but they have now created that split. The UK will never now be the same. We have now voted for a united England, a separate Scotland, a Welsh country who will struggle to understand the English even further and an Ireland that will either unite or implode.

I honestly now fear for a country I truly love as my home. I don't want my home to become full of bigotry, but I fear it’s a possibility. A white England for a white people isn’t so far off. Please look at what people like Farage are saying and think of Germany only 70 years ago - don't let a wonderful country become something like that! We can prosper but please be good to each other, we need friendship now more than ever.

By the way, Happy Pride - enjoy yourself, it's later than you think.

What does a bear do in the woods?

If you go down to Brighton today

You're sure of a big surprise.

If you go down to Brighton today

You'd better go in disguise!

For every bear that ever there was

Will gather there for certain,

Because today's the day the

Bears have their party.

Party time for all types of Bears

All of the Bears are having

A lovely time today.

Watch them, catch them unawares,

And see them party on their weekend.

See them gaily gad about.

They love to play and shout,

They never have any care;

At six am all the naughty bears

Will take someone home to bed,

Because they're frisky little Bears.

Every Bear who's been bad

Is sure of a treat today.

There's lots of marvellous things to do

And wonderful games to play.

Beneath the bushes where nobody sees

They'll hide and seek as long as they please

'Cause that's the way the

Bears have their party.

Party time for all types of Bears

All the Bears are having

A naughty time today.

Cuddle them, kiss them everywheres,

And see them party on their weekend

See them happily strut about

They love to play and shout,

They never have any care;

At six am all the naughty bears

Who have not been to bed,

Will soon return to their lair.

If you go down to Brighton today,

You'd better not go alone!

It's lovely down in Brighton today,

But safer to stay at home!

For every bear that ever there was

Will gather there for certain, because

Today's the day that

All types of Bears have their party.

Party time for all the Bears

All types of Bears are having

A lovely time today.

Fondle them, snuggle them everywheres,

And see them frolic on their holiday.

See them drunkenly fall about

They love to play and shout,

They never have any care;

At six am all the playful bears

May be out clubbing instead,

Having more than their share.

Every Bear who's been horny

Is sure of a treat today.

There's lots of marvellous things to do

And lots of ways to go astray.

Beneath the bushes where nobody sees

They’ll flirt and tease as long as they please

'Cause that's the way the

Bears have their party.

Party time for all types of Bears

All the Bears are having

A raunchy time today.

Watch them, catch them by their hairs,

And see them frolic on their weekend

See them wishfully stomp about

They love to play and shout,

They never have any care;

At six am all the wicked bears

Will probably be ready for bed,

Because they're tired little Bears.

So if you go down to Brighton today,

You'd better not go alone!

It's lovely down in Brighton today,

You may even bring a Bear home!

For every Bear that ever there was

Will gather there for certain, because

Today's the day that

All types of Bears have their party.

Have a Happy Bears weekender everyone!

So what floats your boat?

In 1948, Dr Alfred Kinsey developed a scale for measuring human sexuality which determined whether a person was gay, straight, or something in between. I’m fascinated by this as it wasn’t too long ago that people assumed that being gay was a lifestyle choice or, even worse, some people saw it as a mental illness. So I decided to look into this a bit more and found out some very interesting things on the interweb!

In 2014 the Observer newspaper undertook a comprehensive survey of British sexual behaviour and attitudes. At that time 92% of Britons described themselves as heterosexual, however 21% of those aged 1624 defined themselves as either homosexual or bisexual. So it could be implied that people’s attitudes may be changing and that sexuality is a lot more fluid than it once was and with a little more research I even discovered ten more sexual orientations.

Heteroflexible: This is when a person is mainly straight but still open to the idea of a physical or emotional attraction with someone of the same gender. So not quite bisexual or even bicurious, as the individual may never act on this.

Homoflexible: This is the gay version of heteroflexible. This person would be primarily homosexual, but they may be willing to take part in a limited amount of heterosexual activity.

Skoliosexual: I have to admit I had never heard the term before but this is when an individual is attracted to gender-queer folks, or people who don’t identify as strictly male or female.

Pansexual: Pansexuals are sexually, romantically, or emotionally attracted to people of any sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind. I remember someone once defining these individuals as greedy.

Panromantic: This is someone who feels romantically attracted to, but not sexually attracted to, others regardless of gender. Asexual: These folk are just not sexually attracted to anyone. This may seem a little lonely, but then I have a lot of meaningful relationships in my life that have nothing to do with sex.

Demisexual: An already-established emotional connection has to be in place before any sexual attraction occurs. What is important to understand is that demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed.

Grey asexuality: This is considered the grey area between asexuality and sexuality in which a person may occasionally experience sexual attraction. You could say that it is similar to asexual, except every now and then their libido will get activated.

Androgynsexual: These individuals are attracted to all genders, but only if they are androgynous. So basically this is an attraction to people who have a combination of masculine and feminine characteristics.

Autosexual: The difference between a narcissist and an autosexual is that while a narcissist looks for other sexual partners an autosexual is content with self-gratification.

At the end of the day, do whatever makes you happy, as long as you don’t frighten the horses!

Gay by association

Let me tell you about a very good friend of mine. In my previous job I had the privilege to meet one of the world's true gentlemen. Robert is the kind of man that you could ask almost any favour of. In fact when I was going through a particularly difficult time at work a few years ago, he was incredibly supportive and he definitely was one of the reasons why I got through it. My husband has also become very close with Robert and we often still invite each other for dinner.

Now the other thing you may need to know about him is that he is straight. Shock horror, a gay couple can have a single straight man as a friend. Not really! Robert is so comfortable in his own sexuality that he doesn’t have any issues with spending time in the company of gay men.

A few weeks ago, on Christmas Eve, we had the pleasure of being invited, along with a Dutch friend, who was staying with us over the yuletide, to Robert's house for dinner. In total we were a party of eight. Robert’s cousin and his wife, and Robert’s two daughters were also there. We had a wonderful evening, lots to eat and drink and much laughter and fun was had.

A few days later we were again in Robert’s company as we were all invited to a mutual friend’s party. Our friend Kees asked Robert if his daughters found it strange that their dad had two gay men as very close friends. Robert simply responded by saying that he had brought his daughters up to respect people and not to judge them. He then however went on to tell a story which both shocked and amused me.

A few weeks before Christmas, a former colleague of mine was talking to Robert over lunch. Robert wouldn’t tell me who it was and to be honest I don’t really care to know. During the conversation my name came up and this former colleague asked Robert if he was still in touch with me. Robert told them ‘yes’ and that in fact he would be seeing quite a lot of me and my husband Roger over the holidays. The response from Robert’s colleague was, in my opinion, hysterical: asking if he was gay too.

If you ever met Robert you would understand my amusement. I think that he must be one of the straightest men that I have ever met. Robert was not upset by this narrow-minded remark and he just chuckled and responded by saying one word: ‘No’.

I guess that there are still a lot of people who live in a very small and limited world, but this did make me think, would this individual assume that if Robert spent a lot of time with a postman, he would obviously, by this reasoning, also be a postman? Hmmm, makes you wonder.

‘Tis the season to be narrow-minded?

In this season of goodwill I’m still amazed by the level of intolerance in the world. Only a few months after the same-sex referendum in Ireland I was quite shocked to read about a gay couple who were asked to leave a restaurant in Dublin just because they held each other’s hands. These two guys were out celebrating their anniversary when suddenly the waiter approached their table and told them that other diners were complaining that they were being tactile and suggested that they stop. They asked to speak to the manager as they felt that it was their right to hold each other’s hands, but instead of being sensible and reasonable the manager actually asked them to leave.

I was deeply upset when I read this story as I really thought that things had changed in Ireland. It was only in May that 60% of the electorate took part in the ballot resulting in an overwhelming 62% ‘yes’ vote, and victory for sexual equality. It’s upsetting that a few narrow-minded homophobes can still cause such damage and embarrassment for gay people. The manager should have asked the people who were complaining to consider leaving, if they were so offended by two human beings showing affection to each other, but instead he took the easier route and subjected the two men to homophobic abuse instead.

Another recent example of discrimination was the senior Vatican priest who was stripped of his post after admitting being in a gay relationship. Following his dismissal, Krzysztof Charamsa wrote to the Pope accusing the Church of making the lives of millions of gay Catholics globally “a hell”. This is also very disappointing news, as I felt that this Pope was a little bit more open-minded. He had previously said that gay people shouldn’t be marginalised but that they must be integrated into society and also said that “who am I to judge?”

This is all so hypocritical when you consider that the vast majority of Catholic priests are themselves gay. In fact, it’s widely considered that the last Pope was gay and had been in a long-term relationship with his private secretary. Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI and Georg Gänswein, a handsome German cleric, also known as ‘Gorgeous George’, continue to live together in a remodelled Vatican City convent.

So then why does a church that preaches about loving thy neighbour also create such anger and hatred of people based purely on sexual orientation? It’s like hating someone because they were born with blue eyes or black hair. I really hope that all churches start to wake up to the fact that sexuality is not a sin but a fundamental part of a human being. People shouldn’t be afraid to hold their partner’s hand in a public place, whatever your sexuality. I honestly believe that all religions are responsible for homophobia all over the world, and it is my hope that one day humanity will stand up to the churches and tell them that we do not accept this intolerance.

Oh yes, by the way, Happy Christmas!

Life begins at...

I turned 40 a few months ago and my husband took me on a surprise holiday to Venice. Well it was a surprise up to 24 hours before we took off! We had a fantastic trip and as I had just been promoted it was a double celebration. During the whole lead up to my birthday I never once really worried about getting older. It just didn’t bother me. However, on our return I got back to work and realised that I had slipped into a bit of a safe routine. I had been with the same employer for almost eight years and commuting 50 miles a day. The weekends had become housework weekends, spending most of our time on house maintenance, sorting bills, or going to the allotment.

I suddenly felt I wanted more, more time. I guess somewhere in my psyche the clock started to feel like it was probably speeding up. The weeks and months certainly had started to blend seamlessly from one into the other. So, like all great changes in life, I thought that even though I had just achieved a senior position at work, perhaps it was actually time to get out of my comfort zone and change the biggest thing that impacted my time, my job. I think that if you are going to do something, do it properly. So when the right job came up in Brighton, which was only a few weeks later, I went for it, and I got it.

So now that I have stopped commuting two hours every day, I have calculated that I have actually gained almost 19 days a year. That is 19 days not spent sitting in a car, 19 days that I can spend in a totally different way. At the time of writing this I have only been in my job for two weeks. Already my whole regime is more about me and my husband. We have met for lunch every day. I get to walk around Brighton at lunch time and feel like I actually live in this city. For the first time in eight years I don’t feel like a weekend tourist. We get to snuggle in bed for about an hour more each morning, and in the evenings we can even go for a drink after work and still get home to have dinner quite early.

I wouldn’t say that what I did was a brave move, but it was an essential one. I can already feel like my life is more my own. Even if, when I have settled in to my new role, I find that it is not perfect, I don’t care, I have more life. I think that if this could be considered a midlife crisis, then this was a fantastic result. If you are reading this and you feel that you can also make a drastic change in your life, my advice is do it, you have nothing to lose and so much to gain.

Which type are you?

So it is August again and all hell breaks loose across Brighton & Hove while Pride hits the city. This month I was going to write about the increased level of facial hair now covering Britain. I’m sure that if you joined it all together and took a satellite picture, you would see a very hairy landscape. Over the last few years more and more men are going feral. Gone is the clean-shaven, clean-living man and in comes the mountain men, down from the hillside to bash someone over the head and drag them back to their den or cave. Hmmm, that could be interesting, but depends on the man!

My partner calls them all Conchita. As we walk down St James’s Street (or it could be any other street in the country), Roger walks along saying “there’s another Conchita”, “look, Conchita”, “and there’s another!” Personally I don’t blame Conchita Wurst for making the beard popular - but I guess it hasn’t helped. I completely accept that ‘Bears’ have been around for a very long time and therefore the beard has been within gay culture for decades, but this lead me to thinking that there is a very wide and varied type of gay man. I mean you can’t paint all gay men with the same brush and say we’re all part of a gay ‘community’.

For example, after just a quick glance online, I can give you a short list of gay men ‘types’: Twinks, Chickens, Bears, Polar Bears, Otters, Wolves, Cubs, Muscle Marys (Gym Bunny), Chubs, Daddies, to name a few. So what are you? Where do you fit in on the list? Do you even fit in this list? I could get quite stereotypical and give you my definition of them if you’d like? Go on then, you’ve convinced me! So here goes along with a stereotypical catchphrase: meant to amuse not to offend!

Twinks and chickens: usually thin, smooth, often with highlights, never over 30 and tends to be on the effeminate side. Work it, girl!

Bears, polar bears, otters, wolves, cubs: all variations on a theme, usually large, hairy, often with facial hair. Bears have their own social calendar that is well populated with events including the Brighton Bear Weekender. Woof!

Gym Bunnies: usually very athletic and muscular. This guy probably thinks that no one would believe he is gay until he tells them. We're going to get rid of all those old gay stereotypes... through a lavish musical number!

Leather Queens: could be any gay man with a fetish for leather. We would all secretly prefer to be wearing chiffon!

Daddies: a mature man that can also be defined as a Gym Daddy, Chub Daddy, or Bear Daddy. All types of everything, just a bit older and possibly wiser. I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fuhlaming!

Anyway you get the idea, and there are even lots more different types of us. Whatever category you fall into, be safe, have fun and have a fantastic Pride weekend.

My way or the right way?

I was absolutely horrified to hear about an Irish radio programme on Ocean FM on April 27. The programme was a debate relating to the same-sex marriage referendum, between Declan Meehan of Yes Equality Donegal and Isaac Burke of Mandate for Marriage. While Declan Meehan was attempting to talk about all of the good reasons why same-sex marriage should be introduced in Ireland, all that Mr Burke could ask about was how do gay men have sex. During the broadcast Burke said: “But what we’re not really so clear on is what two men do. Maybe Declan you could enlighten us on that, on what two men do when they enter into a sexual act?”

Meehan continued to try and return the debate to the actual issue being discussed but Burke continued to ask Meehan about the gay sexual act. Why are some ‘straight’ men obsessed with gay sex? Was this Burke’s way of trying to get some sort of kick from hearing about gay sex? Obviously Meehan came out of this interview looking the better, saner man.

This show reminded me of an interview that Stephen Fry conducted in Uganda a few years ago as part of a television series looking at attitudes to homosexuality. Stephen went to Uganda as the government was considering, and in January 2014 implemented, a new law that would make homosexuality a capital crime. He was interviewing the Ugandan Minister of Ethics, Simon Lokodo. Even before the interview could properly begin Lokodo said: “Don't promote. Don't recruit. Don't encourage others to come into your social status”.

Stephen quickly responded to this by saying that he actually felt that he grew up in a world where he was subjected to the indoctrination of how to be heterosexual, and that it didn’t work on him. Stephen went on to try and tell Lokodo that homosexuality was more than just sex but about love. Lokodo retorted by saying: “I’ve got my dear brothers who have come here because their backs are oozing with puss.”

When Stephen tried to explain that most sodomy takes place in the heterosexual community and that young girls were raped in Africa, all that Lokodo could say was: “I say. Let. Them. Do. It.” And “But let them do it the right way.”

I was sickened when I saw that programme. How could a human being feel that heterosexual rape was alright just because it was being done the “right way”. In the same TV series Stephen met a pastor on a radio chat show who was obsessed with anal sex. It would seem that a lot of heterosexual men are obsessed with what gay men do in the privacy of their own bedrooms. I have to ask are these men truly straight? In a world with so many more pressing issues such as natural disasters, wars and struggling economies, these people are more concerned about gay sex. These attitudes say more about the people who say them, than the people they are supposed to be about.

Same-sex marriage for the Irish

Next month on May 22, Ireland will be holding a referendum where voters will decide whether to approve same-sex marriage. Over the last couple of decades Ireland has developed a reputation for being a tolerant and inclusive nation. Gone are the years of catholic oppression and in comes a new and open republic.

I’ve been looking at the polls and it seems that over two thirds of voters would back gay marriage. It would be truly wonderful for my marriage to be recognised back in my homeland. Even a former Irish Minister, Pat Carey, who was a Minister for Equality until 2011, has come out in recent months in order to urge voters to vote in favour of the new legislation. It’s a shame that he wasn’t openly gay prior to now, but I have to admire his courage to do it now and I’ve a lot of respect for him for doing it. Pat Carey isn’t the only one either. The Minister for Health, Leo Varadkar has also come out publicly. Varadkar has stated that his sexuality isn’t something that defines him and has said that he just wants to be an equal citizen in his own country.

However I’ve also noticed that a campaigning group have launched an attack on gay people. The Alliance for the Defence of the Family & Marriage (ADFAM) are making ludicrous claims that homosexuals are more likely to get cancer, die younger and are more likely to abuse children.

I was absolutely horrified when I read this. How can people still make a link between gay people and paedophiles? This group state that they are an initiative to promote and defend the traditional family and that marriage between a man and a woman is the best way to protect children. I find this to be quite shocking as I don’t think raising children to be scared of other people’s sexuality is the right way of going about this in the 21st century.

Still, I think that the majority of people will see through these blatant shock tactics and vote the right way. I think that most Irish people feel that two people that love each other should be able to get married and spend the rest of their lives together. The world will not come to a sudden end. Children will not suddenly feel that they will be abused just because the two guys next door have just got married.

I hope that when this law is passed it’ll give more people the strength and courage to come out. A ‘yes’ vote will say to the world that Ireland is a truly inclusive nation where all people are respected and treated equally. I’ll be so happy when my countrymen and women will be able to avail of the same rights as I have living in the UK.

Watch this space!

Married for £4

So here we are in the month of love with Valentine’s Day just a couple of weeks away. Only a few weeks ago Roger and I converted our civil partnership to a full marriage, and as of February 1 we’ve been married for nine years. It’s quite difficult to explain this to people, especially those of the straight persuasion, but the process basically involves switching your civil partnership certificate for a marriage certificate.

On Christmas Eve we went to Brighton Town Hall and did the deed. All relatively painless and it only took 30 minutes. The registrar asks you both some questions, you read the declaration, sign a document and hey presto you receive a marriage certificate dated back to the day you were civil partnered. The only cost involved was £4 for the certificate. The Government covers all the other administration costs for civil partnership conversions for the first year. I know that all sounds quite cold but once the formalities were over we had a fantastic day. Two of our closest friends joined us at the town hall to take photos and then off we went to the Bristol Arms in Kemptown. Fifteen of our closest family and friends joined us for lunch and another ten came a couple of hours later for more drinks and food.

Several friends asked me if it felt different, and I remember many had asked the same question when we were civil partnered in 2006. I responded “Yes” then and “Yes” is how I responded now. I never needed a piece of paper to know that I love Roger and that I intend sharing my life with him. But, somehow being married does feel different. We exchanged rings this time, whereas we didn’t before. Strangely, wearing a ring makes it more real. The other difference is that when Roger stood up to make a speech he began by saying ”My Husband and I”. That almost brought a tear to my eye. Neither of us believed that we would ever get married. Growing up in Ireland I truly never thought that the day would come when I could have a wedding day. But here we are, married and happy.

So every day when I get home from work I walk in and say, “Hello husband”. The novelty will wear off I’m sure, but my love for Roger never will. I feel I’m one of the luckiest men in the world to have found my soul mate. I know we have many happy years of marriage ahead. I’m sure I’ll be back to my usual cynical self for the April edition of Gscene so in the meantime have a wonderful Valentine’s Day and if you’re thinking of getting married (or converting your civil partnership) I hope you have as wonderful a day as we had.

Antisocial media

A few months ago I wrote a piece about the bitter bitches of Brighton and I was amazed with the feedback that people gave me. It would seem that a lot of people I know have experienced some form of defamation of character by evil queens who seem to have little else in their lives.

I ask again why do some feel the need to try and destroy other people’s lives? I recently had the horrible experience of having to look at Twitter. For reasons I cannot go into I had to spend a couple of days reading tweets. It seems to me that there are a lot of people out there that have nothing else to do but spend hours vomiting out pointless drivel for the world to see. It occurs to me that some people have so much hate in their heads that the only way they can deal with it is to spew out a series of words demonstrating their obvious lack of ability to deal with reality.

As you have probably guessed I am not a fan of social media. I can see why some people enjoy it and use it to stay in touch with family and friends, but it does nothing for me. I am very careful about the data that I share. There used to be a time when the idea of organisations or governments collecting personal data about individuals was not acceptable. These days, people willingly publicise their whole lives on Facebook and Twitter. Just looking at a few tweets I quickly realised that some individuals just use it to rant and rave about the most trivial of things. It truly is the diarrhoea of the devil. It is such a shame that the internet is being used by some as a vehicle for hate rather than for the sharing of information. A lot of the time they don’t even make sense. To me it just looks like a series of words with ‘@’ and ‘#’ dotted in between. The words often don’t even create a sentence. My advice is #getalife!

This is the kind of thing that is regurgitated across the internet. People spend hours of their lives either writing nonsense or attacking other people or organisations. It is truly very sad that individuals have not got more going on in their lives that they can spend so much time engaging in this sickness. I sincerely hope that there comes a time when this becomes extinct. I can understand the reasons why Twitter is used for marketing purposes or for charities to promote their work in order to gain funds but when these sites are used purely for vindictive reasons that makes me mad and sad.

So I ask you all, please stop using the internet to create such nonsense. Go for a walk, get a hobby, do anything else rather than engage in this dangerous and basically pointless exercise. The world has so much to offer.

Oh and by the way #happychristmasandhappynewyear

Prince Albert?

It always amuses me when lying on a nudist beach that my eye is suddenly drawn by the glinting of a tiny pendulum somewhere off in the distance. As this gets closer and closer it quickly identifies itself as a Prince Albert, usually attached to the penis of a gentleman in his early 70s. Well at least I have not seen many younger guys with one. The last time this happened was a few months ago while on holiday on Spain. The gentleman in question had quite a large appendage so the piece of jewellery was relative in size, so was very difficult to miss.

While laying there on the beautiful sandy Mediterranean beach watching ships travelling up and down the straits of Gibraltar, it occurred to me that this was the only man I had seen on the beach that day that had any kind of body art. I looked around at the predominantly gay clientele and noticed that there was quite a large age range. There were three local guys in their early 20s chatting and smoking cigarettes about ten feet to the left of us. There was a Germanic couple in their mid-40s about the same distance to the left of us. A little further along the beach there was a group of three guys ranging from early 50s to early 70s. Not one of these guys had a tattoo or a piercing. How strange I thought. If I were sitting on one of the nudist beaches here on the south coast of England, I imagined that the scene would be very different.

When we returned from our holiday, we did get one opportunity this year to visit one of our local nudist beaches. Again, this beach had a very mixed age group of mainly gay men. I sat there remembering my experience of the beach in Spain. I again glanced around at these men and my opinion was confirmed. Not all but many of the guys had some form of body art. A guy in his 60s was strutting along with a cock ring and several tattoos in various places on his body. Another guy aged about 40 had a relatively discreet tattoo on his shoulder. A larger gentleman in his 60s had a Prince Albert and most of his body was covered with different shapes and sizes of tattoo.

So my conclusion is that body art is a very British affair. I am not saying for one moment that Europeans do not indulge, however I think that men and women in this country are more likely to adorn some form of ‘beautification’. However, it is not for me, in fact it kind of turns me off a bit. I am attracted to men who are untarnished. I like to look at a man’s body and see the beauty of the skin. I like the look and shape of a man’s penis that does not have a metal shaft through it. But hey if that is your thing, please do enjoy.

The bitter bitches of Brighton

Brighton has quite a few evil queens. Speaking to a friend recently I was not shocked exactly but very upset to find out that someone he knew well had been spreading rumours about him. The reason was simple, this person was jealous. My friend was in a very strong relationship and this individual was trying to break that up. Why would anyone do this? I have experienced this kind of thing before, where people will smile at you while all the time sharpening their knife, preparing to lunge it right between your shoulder blades.

Following this conversation I also discovered from another acquaintance that they were also experiencing something similar. I cannot go into much detail as I would very clearly identify the individuals involved, however someone has targeted them and are going to a lot of trouble to try and create a lot of difficulties for them. This has wider implications for my friends and could potentially damage one of their lives quite dramatically.

Another friend spoke to my partner recently and told him about a party. As he was standing there chatting, two others arrived. One of them rushed across the room and immediately kissed him on each cheek. He was a little taken aback, as he was fully aware that this man had taken every opportunity over the last couple of years to character assassinate him. He had even done so to us. When I heard this I was immediately reminded of the kiss of Judas. This is not the only time I have heard of this individual acting in this way. In fact when I meet him I am always a little wary about what I say as I am convinced that he has also been responsible for a little back stabbing in relation to me and my partner.

But of course this is not specific to Brighton, evil queens are everywhere. When I was living in Ireland, Galway city had its fair share too. Some people just get off on messing with other people’s lives. In fact I would go as far as to say that the breakup of my former relationship, in Ireland, was mainly due to the meddling of my then partner’s oldest friend. This man is evil queen personified. If the phrase evil queen was in the dictionary, the definition would include a photo of this man.

What motivates these people? Is it because they have such unhappy lives that they feel the need to make others feel as unhappy too? Or is it just pure malice? Whatever the motivations, it is just very sad and unnecessary. If only these people spent as much time getting on with their lives, they may actually find something to fill the void.

I am trying my best these days to avoid such people. If I see them at parties I make a point of avoiding them. Life is too short to spend any time in their presence. Enjoy Pride but occasionally glance over your shoulder, there are sharks everywhere.

Baby on board

My partner and I went to see The Pride at the Theatre Royal in January. It was an absolutely fantastic play and the acting was superb. However one thing that struck us while we were there was the number of expectant mothers. The Theatre Royal has a capacity of 952. We were there on the final night of the play’s tour in Brighton so it was understandably a full house. I estimated that about a fifth of the audience were women. So that is almost 200 women, or possibly 100 lesbian couples. To our amazement, almost every couple was expecting a baby. We have indeed entered a new world.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that this is purely a lesbian thing. No, it’s just more obvious due to the biological evidence. When a gay couple are having a baby, the mother is not generally on the scene, the arrangement is usually very clearly laid out on a legal basis. The night at the theatre just made me stop and think. My partner and I would never con

sider having children for several very good reasons. I used to be a youth worker and I have six nieces and nephews, so I do actually like children but I do not feel in any way paternal. However, I am all in favour of other LGBT couples having the right to choose whether or not they want to have children. If we have the right to marry and to lead our lives in the same way as any other couple in the country then of course we should also have the right to have children.

One concern that I do have is that perhaps there are couples going into this for the wrong reasons. To be fair there are straight couples who embark on this particular journey for the very same bad reasons. I just hope that this is not just a fad for some people. Children are not a fashion accessory and unlike getting a pet, you cannot drop them off at the local RSPCA rehoming kennels if it doesn’t work out. Parenting is difficult, whether you are gay or straight. Making decisions not just for yourself but for another individual is stressful and hard work. Parents will tell you that there are rewards too and that it is these that make it all worthwhile.

I guess that perhaps my concerns are a little harsh and that possibly LGBT people could make better parents than straight couples. For example I could never imagine a gay couple sending their 11 year-old child to school in a nappy! Or alternatively I cannot foresee a headline that reads 29 Year-Old Gay Man Set to be Britain’s Youngest Grandfather. I sincerely hope that these headlines never hit the Daily Mail. Well they probably will but then the Daily Mail will invent stories at the best of times.

Just remember this, you need a licence to have a television but anybody can have a child!

Midlife crisis ahead

In a few weeks I will be 39, entering my 40th year on this Earth. Twenty years ago at the age of 19, I never would have dreamt that I would be living in Brighton for 10 years, have a wonderful partner for the same length of time, and be civil partnered for eight years. Back then, only a handful of people knew I was gay and my partner was a secret lover. Nobody knew about him and few knew about me.

So now that 40 is only 12 months away I have started to really think of the future. Twenty years ago I was a student and living a pretty carefree life, enjoying all that youth offers and then more. I didn’t really have much of a plan or any real dreams for the future. I just lived for the moment and had a lot of fun.

But now, being a little older and probably a little wiser, I do actually think more about the future. What will life be like in another twenty years? What will I be like at 59? Will I still be with the same organisation that I am working for now? Will I even be running it? Stranger things have happened! One thing for certain is I will be balder.

I do have one idea. I have been seriously considered retraining. It is never too late, they say, and at 39 I think I can still turn my life completely on its head. So why not take some risks?

My partner and I are thinking about increasing the mortgage and doing some major renovations on our little terraced house. We had thought of selling and moving, but why move away from an area that you like and enjoy? Yes let’s do it! Let’s take a risk and convert the attic, redesign the kitchen and turn the cellar into a usable room (no Roger we can’t have a sauna!).

So if we are considering doing all that, why not take another risk and study law too? I have been thinking about it now for a year. Why wait another year?

I have already wasted enough time. I don’t want my midlife crisis to involve an expensive car, learning a musical instrument, doing the four peaks challenge, or having a pointless and stupid affair. I think I want to look back when I am in my late fifties and think, yes, I did good.

So, instead of ticking challenges off a bucket list (yes I did do one of those!) I want to actually try to achieve something big. It would be one thing that will help me further my career, earn me more money and make me happier, and it would probably make my partner happier too. One year from now I hope to be sitting here again, writing another article for Gscene and telling you all that I am a few steps closer to fulfilling my dream.

What is a gay icon?

I am a little confused. Yes not for the first time, but I really feel a bit perplexed. The phrase ‘Gay Icon’ has been around for decades and when you talk to people or search online, you will generally find mention of people such as Madonna, Judy Garland, Cher, Janet Jackson, Kylie etc etc. Now this is where I get a bit bewildered. Have you noticed anything about the list above? Yes, you got it, they are all straight women. Hence my confusion.

A few years ago I wrote a piece about Senator David Norris, who ran for President of Ireland. Unfortunately due to negative media coverage, the Senator, who was tipped to win the election, did not. I was saddened because when I wrote my piece I had stated that he was in fact my gay icon. He was always openly gay and fought for the legalisation of homosexuality in Ireland. It is men and women like Senator Norris that I feel are true gay icons. They have put their own private lives in the public eye in order to create a world where bring gay is accepted as a norm. We have a lot to thank these men and women for.

I have no recollection of straight white singers such as Madonna fighting for or even mentioning gay issues. These individuals have made a lot of money via the pink pound. They have become very wealthy and popular people but I don’t think they have actually done anything for LGBT people. They are in fact just pop culture idols, not icons. In fact over the last 20 years or so, boy bands have been created and designed so that the singers’ sexuality remains completely ambiguous. The reason of course is to appeal to the widest possible audience: on the one hand for teenage girls and on the other hand for the young gay scene.

How many of you have heard of Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir - the first open lesbian head of state? She was elected as Prime Minister of Iceland in 2009. Or San Francisco City Supervisor Harvey Milk, who was the first openly gay man to be elected to office in the US. He led the defeat of the state-wide anti-gay Proposition 6 in California in 1978.

We have many people to choose from in the UK too. Gareth Thomas, rugby player; Sir Ian McKellen, actor and gay rights activist; Sarah Waters, author; Waheed Alli, gay rights activist and member of the House of Lords; Alan Bennett, writer. These are just a few of the gay and lesbian men and women from this country that I would consider to be gay icons. They have been so courageous in what they have done for future generations of gay people. I hope that young people take encouragement from these individuals when they are considering coming out, and that their paths have been made a little easier. The above list does not confuse me - exactly the opposite, it inspires me.