She

2021

Waking up is harder when there are things to wake up for. She rolls onto her side and stares out the window. Why does the outside not match the inside? Sunlight beams in through the slits in the blinds that she wants to cover up but can’t because “you have to wake up, stretch, make tea, meditate, get dressed, go to therapy, job search.” Her mother’s suggested routine flits through her mind and she was never a mourning person. She stops staring at the sun on her hands because procrastinating the inevitable isn’t helping anymore.

With the sweep of her legs over the side of her bed she stands and leans over the bench in front of her window looking out over the castle’s courtyard. She turns away and wraps herself in a robe before ringing for her lady’s maid to run her a bath. She lounges in the perfumed water wondering if the handsome prince will be visiting the castle again today. There is a fast knock on the door, “Who is it?” the princess calls. 

“Are you planning on spending the whole day in the bathroom?” The voice of her mother calls through the door, and she sighs as she stands up out of the small tub in their shared bathroom. After putting her contacts in she looks up at herself for the first time today. She doesn’t seem to notice the darkness around her eyes, instead, she pulls at the skin on her face and neck desperately. Red flashes in her eyes for a moment she sees a different face in the mirror, but when she blinks she only sees her own desolate eyes staring back. “Sorry,” she says in the general direction of her mother as she leaves the bathroom. “Why don’t you try seeing that therapist again today?” She ignores the comment and grabs the package of cigarettes from the kitchen counter. 

“Those will be the death of you one day.” The girl looks up from the lighter and a wide smile breaks across her face at the man walking down the stairs, “My darling I hardly need them when I’m with you.” She says as she wraps her arms around him. To be near him was to feel the burning passion and excitement in her soul. To be near him was to feel loved. To brush her hand against his felt like a world had been crossed and she was finally home. “Shall we take a walk through the forest again?” He said. “Let us see if we can find the magical pond again.” She said. They walked hand and hand through the woods to the pond. She stooped down to touch her reflection in the water and silently wished, once again, for a child. 

“Ground control to Major Tom.” She put her hands to her face before looking up to see her mother standing over her. “Why did you move the bassinet outside if you’re just going to stare at it out here instead?” She stares down at her hands noticing half moon nail marks on her inner palms. Sighing, she stands and follows her mother inside. “I have to leave today, but I will be back in a few days. Are you going to be okay by yourself?” The girl’s mother asked. “I will be fine. I love you.” She replies. “I love you too.” When the door closes she slumps down into a chair, her hands now beginning to moisten with tears. 

Creaking at the top of the stairs causes her to raise her head and turn. “My darling is that you?” She calls into the darkness. “Yes my love, I was just going to put the baby to sleep. Come upstairs, no more tears, I am here now.” She climbs the staircase with a newfound lightness, eager to follow her family into the bedroom. She takes her son from her husband’s arms and carefully lays him to rest. Looking up at her husband, she declares “Your grace, I do believe it is time for us to retire for the evening.” In their palace rooms, they lay peacefully until the sunrise. 

When the sun dared to illuminate the room it all faded into the black for her. She raced out of the room and down the corridor searching, but for what she could not even admit to herself. She laid in bed that day. In light and then in darkness. Stumbling around in the dark she knocks something over that breaks, loudly. A candle, "to battle the darkness," she thought. But when it is lit, the white of her wedding dress comes into view. Setting the candle on the floor she grasps at the necklace pulling at it, suddenly feeling suffocated. Breathing erratically, she reaches for the candle again to escape the darkness of her empty bedroom, that was once so full of love. She manages to set the candle down onto something in the hallway as she slides down the wall clawing at her neck. The brush of the white linen fabric meets her arm and she freezes. Looking up, slowly, she realizes the light from the candle is pouring out of the top of the bassinet her mother must have moved it inside. Tears begin moving freely down her face as she closes her eyes trying desperately to leave. But where have the images gone? Why weren’t they coming? Screaming, reeling back her head, the red took over her eyes again but this time it was followed by black. 

“Mama, can you help me jump high again?” The little boy said laughing as his parents held his hands on either side of him. “Of course, my darling, 1...2...3...up!” Her husband looked at her, smiling, infatuated. “I am so glad you could join us, my love, how much we have missed you here with us.” She pretended and she waited and she could not bear it any longer. “I am going to join you forever,” she said. “How wonderful,” he said. “Let’s gather flowers,” the boy said. “What a splendid idea,” she said. 

And when her eyes opened the candle piece was in her hand and so were the flowers. Her wedding jewelry began to tighten, and tighten, and tighten. She tried to cut it off with the candle piece. What a mess I have made," she thought. But when she went to clean it started dripping, and dripping, and dripping. The wedding jewelry fell into the sink, cut. But the cut was dripping and the sink was dripping and she was falling and then...cold. 

Cold wind blew through the trees and she felt it through her as if she was a part of the world at last. Finally, with her family, hand in hand, the outside matched the inside.