FAMILY STRUCTURE MATTERS

In Family Structure Still Matters, a new report released in August 2020, the Centre for Social Justice reviews the evidence from numerous scientific studies to show the "dramatically different outcomes" for children and parents that marriage brings.

Read the full article here: https://www.centreforsocialjustice.org.uk/library/family-structure-still-matters

The authors show that children of married parents are less likely to fall into poverty, to suffer mental ill-health, have educational problems or display poor behaviour and criminality. They are also more likely to marry and form stable family relationships themselves.

Married couples are more likely to fare better economically than cohabiting couples and to report healthier lifestyles and relationship satisfaction. They are less likely to suffer with mental ill-health. Smoking, drug use and depressive symptoms are much less common among married women, while married men have better cardiovascular health and cancer survival rates and report greater satisfaction in retirement.

These differences remain even when the role of income and education is filtered out. Neither can it just be written off as a "selection effect" – that couples who get married are just the most committed. It is, the authors argue, the public declaration of commitment itself, the stated intention, which confers the benefit by having an "inherently stabilising effect", and which is in principle available to all couples.

"To pretend that these family structures are interchangeable is to cheat couples, and in particular the most disadvantaged, of the best basis for a stable relationship", the authors argue.

At C4M we wholeheartedly agree that marriage is best for children and couples. The evidence is clear. The union of one man and one woman for life gives couples the best foundation for happy and healthy lives and children the best shot at a good start.

Colin Hart, Chairman, Coalition for Marriage (C4M)

The Building Blocks of Society

The verses in the Quran lays out the framework for the basis and objectives of marriage in Islam. The family unit in general is the building block in make up of a society and is an important component of Islam. Each element of a family are given due significance – from parents to children to spouses to kith and kin.

“O Mankind, revere your Lord, Who created you from a single person created of like nature its mate, and from this scattered countless men and women. Revere God through Whom you claim your mutual rights” (The Quran, Chapter 4, Verse 1).

Parents

The Holy Quran repeatedly reminds its readers of the duties children have toward parents, particularly in their old age. God says in the Quran:

“And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) “Uff” nor reproach them, and speak to them a generous word. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them Thy Mercy, as they cherished me in childhood.” (The Quran, Chapter 17, Verses 23-24)

Of the two, the mother is given even greater importance in Islam. The Quran bears witness to the mother’s travails by stating,

“With trouble did his mother bear him and with trouble did she bring him forth; and the bearing of him and the weaning of him was thirty months…” (The Qur’an, Chapter 46, Verse 15)

One of the traditions of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ strongly supports this as well. A companion once asked the Prophet, “Who deserves my good treatment most?” “Your mother,” said the Prophet. “Who next?” “Your mother,” he replied again. “Who next?” “Your mother,” he answered yet again. “Who after that?” “Your father.”

Obeying one’s parents and treating them with respect and affection are greatly esteemed virtues, even if they are non-Muslim. A female companion of the Prophet once asked him how she should treat her mother who was not a Muslim and followed pagan tribal customs and beliefs. Prophet Muhammad told her to be kind and considerate and to behave towards her as was a mother’s due from a daughter.

Yet, one’s obedience to parents does not overlay one’s obedience to God. He says,

“…and if they contend with you that you should associate (others) with Me, of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them, to Me is your return, so I will inform you of what you did.” (The Qur’an, Chapter 29, Verse 8)

Children

Islam further advises parents to treat their children with mercy, love, and equality. In addition, parents must provide proper education to their children along with raising them to be morally upright and responsible individuals of society. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ has said the best gift a father can give his child is good education.

The Prophet ﷺ also laid great emphasis on proper treatment of daughters and promised the reward of paradise for parents who raise their daughter(s) well.

At the same time, God calls for moderation in the Quran:

“O you who believe! Let not your wealth, or your children, divert you from the remembrance of Allah; and whoever does that, these are the losers.” (The Qur’an, Chapter 63, Verse 9)

Importance of Marriage

According to Islam, the institution of marriage represents a sublime manifestation of the Divine Will and Purpose.

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (The Quran 30:21)

In addition, the Quran beautifully describes the depth of a marital relationship by invoking the metaphor of “garments” for the husband and wife:

“They are your garments and you are their garments.” (The Qur’an, Chapter 2, Verse 187)

Moreover, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ has specifically mentioned marriage to be of his traditions and even equated it to completing half of one’s faith.

The Process of Marriage

While the concept of dating does not exist in Islam and intercourse prior to marriage is prohibited, the Islamic notion of marriage recognizes the need to determine compatibility between future spouses. Spouses are selected in different ways. Some marriages are “arranged.” Other individuals find their own partners through interaction with each other take a liking for one another. Through it all, the focus is on the immediate goal of marriage. In this way, Islam strives to keep the spirit of matrimony alive: a union not only of two distinct persons, but their diverse viewpoints, their unique backgrounds and their extended families as well; a pledge to interweave their hitherto autonomous lives, hopefully successfully, and to continue the legacy onward.

Contrary to popular beliefs, Islam does not avow forced marriages irrespective of the gender; in fact, a marriage is incomplete without express approval by both the bride and groom. In practice, arranged marriages in Islam refer to the process where a third party introduces two families with children of marriageable age.

Weddings are festive occasions involving family and friends. The essence of marriage lies in the nuptial contract signed by both the bride and groom after verbal affirmation to marry one another, which is overseen by two witnesses. This ceremony is called the “nikah” and it binds the two as husband and wife. An after-marriage feast called a “walima” is hosted by the husband, as was the custom of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.

Marriage: Related Topics

Interestingly, the convention to change one’s name to their husband’s continues to exist in many Muslim countries, but practicing Muslim women are increasingly choosing to keep their maiden names, understanding that no matter who they marry, they will foremost be their father’s daughters. They take their cue from the following words of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ: “You will be called on the Day of Resurrection by your names and the names of your fathers…” The women at the time of the Prophet ﷺ, including his own wives, were all known by the names of their fathers, not their husbands.

Moreover, Islamically, the wife is free to keep her income since the husband is expected to provide for the upkeep of the home and family. In actuality, though, many couples maintain joint bank accounts and share the burdens of the home together. Divorce, while discouraged, is a social reality which is accepted and legalized. The Qur’an has a full chapter by the name at- Talaq (Chapter 65). The wife or the husband may initiate the annulment process, which involves months-long negotiations with arbiters from both sides in the hopes of mending the relationship before a final decision is reached.

Polygamy

Although polygamy is practiced by a minority among Muslims, it is by no means the norm. Islam permits men to marry up to four wives at a time and this custom is more prevalent in some cultures than others. If a man chooses to have more than one wife, he must deal with all of them with justice. The Quran states:

“…marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one…” (The Qur’an, Chapter 4, Verse 3)

Limitless polygamy has been practiced in a variety of cultures; however, Islam humanizes this practice with a limited allowance, provided he is able to deal with all of them with justice, recognizing a variety of factors, such as a higher ratio of women in certain countries, the toll of war and excessive male deaths in a society, and offering a legitimate and protective solution against the social evil of adultery. However, Polyandry is prohibited in Islam for many obvious reasons.

Carrying the Legacy Forward

Having children is often the natural next step for many Muslim couples although some choose to wait a few years before conceiving whereas others are unable to do so – as is pretty much the case with people all over the world. Naming the child can become a family affair with the involvement of grandparents at times, whereas some couples opt to name their own children. On the seventh day after the child is born, a religious sacrifice of slaughtering is performed and the baby’s head is shaved, giving the monetary equivalence of the weight of his/her hair in charity. This ceremony, called an “aqeeqah,” may be though not necessarily instead be conducted on the 14th, 21st, 28th (etc.) day of the baby’s birth.

Extended Family

Even as Muslim couples embark on their lives together, maintaining strong ties with their extended families is an important aspect of their lifestyles. Some couples live in a joint family system; others prefer to live as nuclear families and may reside in close proximity to either set of parents or a great distance away depending on job locations, chosen community, or preference of state. Nonetheless, frequent family reunions, particularly during summer holidays or weddings, are common. Many visit their countries of origin for this purpose.

The Qur’an repeatedly stresses the significance of safeguarding the ties of the womb. Two examples:

“And give to the kindred his due.” (The Qur’an, Chapter 17, Verse 26)

“Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents, kins-folk…” (The Qur’an, Chapter 4, Verse 36)

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ has similarly instructed,

“Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should maintain good relation with his kindred.”

Homosexuality

References to marriage within the Quran and sayings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ are unmistakably heterosexual. In fact, homosexuality is strictly forbidden in Islam. The story of Prophet Lot (peace be upon him) is repeatedly mentioned in the Qur’an and the behaviour of his people is termed indecent, excessively sinful, lewd, evil, and shameful. While Muslims do not discriminate against gays and lesbians as human beings, they detest their homosexuality as something which transgresses the bounds set by God Almighty from the beginning of time. In this vein, orthodox Christianity and Judaism continue to strongly condemn homosexuality as well. (Click here to learn more about the Islamic perspective on sexual deviation.)

ﷺ The Arabic Calligraphy- salutations of peace and blessings of God upon Prophet Muhammad.